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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to pay for their education?

230 replies

Name1 · 08/05/2010 08:40

Namechanged as I have a feeling I will get judged and lynched here.
My fiance' and I are in the process of moving in together. He and his Son are moving to my house (with me and my DS) as teh house is bigger and more spacious and also because I own it, not rent.
DF and I have have a lot in common but we have led pretty different lives up until now. I have a professional career and savings, DF works in Halfords and has no savings. I didn't think it would be a problem. Anyway last night DF mentioned something about when his son starts my son's school. (My son goes private) and this suprised me as I thought he had no money! So I casually asked how he'd got the fees together. He looked at me really suspiciously and said "you have loads of savings". So to cut a long story short, he assumed I would be paying for his DS's education when he comes to live here and not only that, but his daughter's also who lives with her mother!!! I feel a bit used and I'm starting to wonder if money is more of a kmotivation to him moving here than our relationship is.
I know the boys would have to be treat the same and have the same opportunities but is it really right that I have to use my savings to put his child through private school? or aibu?

In the past year or so I have bought his DS clothes, paid for his passport, paid for a school trip he had as DF couldn't find the money and also paid for a day to Alton Towers for us all. I'm not tight but putting another child through private will eat at my savings.

OP posts:
giveitago · 09/05/2010 12:27

Name- it doesn't appear that privately educating their kids was on their radar previously so I don't know why it is now.

In many of the families that opt for private school - it's often for only one of the kids due to the fees so why he thinks his kids have an automatic entitlement.

I don't think it's sexism - I think he's onto a good thing.

You went to Florida with your ds - good for you. This was a while ago and now he wants you all to go back so his kids can see. Why?

Do you have replicate every fun holiday or good time you had prior to meeting him to makes things more even?

What on earth?

Something is very wrong. Very wrong.

SugarMousePink · 09/05/2010 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BattyKoda · 09/05/2010 13:39

A few have mentioned that this OP seems familiar to them....

Xenia · 09/05/2010 13:48

It is an issue if two people with children already meet and they both have children and are living with different standards of living. It's something I come across a lot.

whippybamboo · 09/05/2010 14:54

YANBU and also to mirror what everyone else has said, it defo sounds like you need to talk with DF. You are not responsible for paying for his childrens' education

AuntieMaggie · 09/05/2010 15:13

It is not your responsibility to pay for his childrens education and nor should your son's education be compromised because you've had the sense to save and your DF hasn't.

Put your son first - tell your DF that your savings and maintenance are for your son and he has to accept that.

IagreewithNick · 09/05/2010 15:22

Firstly you do not sound as if you are ready to make the commitment of living togther, there seems to be a lot of resentment between the two of you.

I can see this from the other side. I am divorced and live with my dp and my dd from my previous marriage. I see myself and dp as the primary carers for dd. I made it clear to dp that if he wanted to move in with me he took on my dd fully and we worked togther as a family. For a while we considered an independent education for dd and dp and I were going to foot the bill. It did not enter dp's head for one moment that it would be any different. I would not want to live with a man who viewed my daughter any differently than his children. We don't have a child of our own yet, partly because it has only been in the last few years we could take on the financial reponsibility of another child. Dp accepeted that he had taken on the responsibilty of one child and could not, however much he wished, have another until the time was right. If I thought that my dp put the needs of his biological child before those of his step daughter he would be out of the door pronto.

I accept it is much easier for us as dp did not bring his own child into the relationship, but step families are difficult and need careful consideration before huge commitment leaps are made.

IagreewithNick · 09/05/2010 15:23

I do think the Florida thing is daft and would sound huge alarm bells for me.

LittleSilver · 09/05/2010 15:24

Someone mentioned about a pre-nup; I do not believe that they are recognised in the UK.

foureleven · 09/05/2010 18:11

I dont know why this thread has been going round in my mind! Ive already commented on it!

But just to add I have decided that this is similar to a situation that I am in.

Dp, my daughter and DSD all live together. He has always paid in to an ISA for DSD since she was born. He earns quite a bit more than I do.

I have never even for one second had the thought that he should have started paying in to one for my daughter...

I wouldnt even think of it if we married.

They have the same amount spent on them for birthdays etc. If he buys his DSD a new outfit, my daughter will have one too. But the big things in life i.e. education and savings are my responsibility.

Now im going to forget about it.

We'd like an update though pls OP!

IagreewithNick · 09/05/2010 19:14

I just would not have a two tier style of parenting within one family, especially if they are all living in one home. It is one of the many reasons we dain't take maintenance for dd from her biological father. She has two parents contributing to her life myself and dp, she does not need a third making a financial contribution as that would then make it unfair on a child that myself and dp would have together.

I think it takes a very special person to be a step parent and I suspect many of us are not up to it. I know I wouldn't be.

StarlightMcKenzie · 09/05/2010 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

grapesandmoregrapes · 09/05/2010 19:46

he sounds like a twat! it is his and his ex's responsibilty to educate his children, not yours, so it is ridiculous that he even thinks you will pay.

If he wants to take his kids to florida on holiday, then why the hell is he not paying half?!

most people feel bad having things for them payed for by someone else, the fact that he doesn't is very worrying, think you need to get shot of him!

IagreewithNick · 09/05/2010 19:52

I am not saying that he should not bear responsibilty, he should. The Florida thing is ridiculous. But when you become a step parent you shoulder some of this responsibility to, which is why it is not an arrangement to be entered into without careful thought and discussion.

GeekOfTheWeek · 09/05/2010 19:57

Get rid.

He is using you for £££.

expatinscotland · 09/05/2010 20:06

'Or just shellshocked - this thread is so unanimous, must be quite difficult to realise that you've so nearly been had.'

Yes, there has been in the past here at least one OP who was actually, truly conned out of about £5,000 by a boyfriend/partner.

It was a sad thread when the penny dropped (over yet another holiday, this one to Turkey, that he assumed she'd pay entirely for).

Hullygully · 09/05/2010 20:12

You sound a bit of an old meany guts

expatinscotland · 09/05/2010 20:14

'You sound a bit of an old meany guts'

She's stated more than once that she does not have the savings or earnings for three lots of private school fees.

What's 'meany' about that?

Doesn't sound old, either.

catinthehat2 · 09/05/2010 20:16

I think HG may joshing.

giveitago · 09/05/2010 20:19

Thing is he's already pitting his kids against yours eg florida

DF has decided that it's only right that we all go again so that his children get to see it too

So his kids are also entitled to experience what your child experienced years ago on your money - probably before you were together or in the early days of your relationship.

Seen the film single white female?

The fact his ex seems to know so much about your finances I also find worrying - I think if you marry she might be entitled to more maintenance - most of it borne by you.

OK - make a commitment and you make a commitment to his wider family as well but what's HE doing to contribute to this glamorous future life he feels entitled to?

scottishmummy · 09/05/2010 20:25

grab yer kitten heels and run like the wind.he's royally taking the piss

Hullygully · 09/05/2010 20:46

I don't believe a word of it

IagreewithNick · 09/05/2010 20:51

I don't care if it is true or not, it has reminded me how lucky dd and I are to have my dp.

Zedd · 09/05/2010 21:09

Waste of time offering advice if op drip feeds info only twice on a long thread...newsflash, we all lead busy lives.

BattyKoda · 09/05/2010 21:15

Not sure why she bothered to start the thread.