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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to pay for their education?

230 replies

Name1 · 08/05/2010 08:40

Namechanged as I have a feeling I will get judged and lynched here.
My fiance' and I are in the process of moving in together. He and his Son are moving to my house (with me and my DS) as teh house is bigger and more spacious and also because I own it, not rent.
DF and I have have a lot in common but we have led pretty different lives up until now. I have a professional career and savings, DF works in Halfords and has no savings. I didn't think it would be a problem. Anyway last night DF mentioned something about when his son starts my son's school. (My son goes private) and this suprised me as I thought he had no money! So I casually asked how he'd got the fees together. He looked at me really suspiciously and said "you have loads of savings". So to cut a long story short, he assumed I would be paying for his DS's education when he comes to live here and not only that, but his daughter's also who lives with her mother!!! I feel a bit used and I'm starting to wonder if money is more of a kmotivation to him moving here than our relationship is.
I know the boys would have to be treat the same and have the same opportunities but is it really right that I have to use my savings to put his child through private school? or aibu?

In the past year or so I have bought his DS clothes, paid for his passport, paid for a school trip he had as DF couldn't find the money and also paid for a day to Alton Towers for us all. I'm not tight but putting another child through private will eat at my savings.

OP posts:
EldonAve · 08/05/2010 09:09

agree with itsmeitsmeolord

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 09:10

Putting aside the question about children living in the same household and schools etc which is difficult

What is not difficult is that he didn't discuss it with you. He assumed that you would spend all this money and he has already told his ex wife and children? That is really bizarre, sorry.

It does not right at all that he didn't broach the subject and talk to you about it. Instead having some big fantasy about how things were going to be and going and telling everyone.

I think the two of you need a very long conversation.

How old are all the children?

Quattrocento · 08/05/2010 09:11

You'll regret letting him move in IMO. First you have to pay for the accommodation - your house - then you have to pay for their treats - and now finally you have to pay for their education.

Two lots of secondary school fees would be 2x12x7=£182k. This is over and above the school fees that you already have to pay and the university fees that will come along afterwards. Sounds absolutely ridiculous.

Goblinchild · 08/05/2010 09:12

He must be stunning in one or more aspects for you to take this sort of abusive behaviour,
Seriously, I hate the thought of how it will be living with children growing up with that level of expectation that all needs and wants will be instantly filled by some fairy godmother.

belgo · 08/05/2010 09:13

If I was moving in with a rich new man with my children I would not expect him to pay for my children's education.

I would expect them to be included in day to day family activities and family holidays, but I would not expect the cost of a private education.

Eglu · 08/05/2010 09:15

Seriously don't let him move in. The assumption that you will pay is not good at all.

Quattrocento · 08/05/2010 09:16

It might depend on how much money you have of course. If it's a drop in the ocean then I can sort of see how it might be assumed. If it's a case of your lifetime savings all going west, then I can't for the life of me understand the assumption.

Goblinchild · 08/05/2010 09:16

One of my mother's favourite songs...she married a squaddie!

Just an Old Fashioned Girl

I'm just an old fashioned girl with an old fashioned mind
Not sophisticated, I'm the sweet and simple kind.
I want an old fashioned house, with an old fashioned fence
And an old fashioned millionaire.
I want an old fashioned car, a cerise Cadillac,
Long enhough to put a bowling alley in the back.
I want an old fashioned house, with an old fashioned fence
And an old fashioned millionaire.
I'll stay weaving at my loom,
Be no trouble to my groom,
If he'll keep the piles of money mounting.
In our cottage there will be
A soundproof nursery
Not to wake the baby while I'm counting.
I like the old fashioned flowers, violets are for me -
Have them made in diamonds by the man at Tiffany.
I want an old fashioned house, with an old fashioned fence
And an old fashioned millionaire.
I'm just a pilgrim at heart, oh so pure and genteel.
Watch me in Las Vegas while I'm at the spinning wheel!
I want an old fashioned house, with an old fashioned fence
And an old fashioned millionaire.
I'll ask for such simple things when my birthday occurs:
Two appartment buildings that are labelled 'Hers' and 'Hers'.
I want an old fashioned house, with an old fashioned fence
And an old fashioned millionaire.
I like Chopin and Bizet
And the songs of yesterday,
String quartets and Polonesian carols.
But the music that excels
Is the sound of oil wells
As they slurp, slurp, slurp into the barrels.
Our little home will be quaint as an old parasol,
And instead of carpet I'll have money wall to wall.
I want an old fashioned house, with an old fashioned fence
And an old fashioned millionaire.

BattyKoda · 08/05/2010 09:17

Gosh, I'd love to see the response if it were a man that had written the OP.

You are getting married and will be living together. It seems you are resentful of his financial situation and maybe you need to think carefully about whether or not this will grow into a bigger problem than it is now.

WRT to paying for school fees for his children, he was wrong to assume you would pay for them. However, you should consider also the resentments this could cause on his side if his children don't go private when yours do.

I think you should have a serious think about whether this relationship can work. Or talk to him about the way you feel. Can he get a better job, work more hours to contribute more to the 'pot'?

Just one more thing - how does he know about your savings if they are your savings and not the both of yours?

Bonsoir · 08/05/2010 09:19

This man is using you and intends to bleed you dry. Dump him NOW.

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 09:21

If I were engaged to a rich man I wouldn't assume that he would pay for my children to go to private school, and go and tell them that was what was going to happen, and my ex. Without ever discussing it with the person who was going to be doing the paying.

Really would the response be the other way around? I don't think so.

senua · 08/05/2010 09:23

Why did his previous relationship break down - was it to do with money?

If you do go ahead with this relationship then it might be an idea to put your savings into trust for DS's education so that DF can't get at them.

Frankly, I'm stunned that he thinks that you can pay for three sets of school fees. Quite apart from the cheek of it, does he have any idea how much it costs? He does not sound financially aware, which rings alarm bells.

MollieO · 08/05/2010 09:25

I think he sounds very financially aware and knows exactly what he wants! Bonsoir's direct advice is spot on .

diddl · 08/05/2010 09:26

The whole thing has been handled badly by him & it sounds as if he is using you.

However, his son will be moving in also, so I can see where he is coming from in that respect.

But he sounds like a user tbh.

brennannbooth · 08/05/2010 09:27

I agree with the other posters here, it's one thing to discuss finances before you move in, it's another thing entirely to be set up in advance.

He sounds like he doesn't understand about finances which is worrying and it makes me wonder what other cultural assumptions you may be making about each other - will he expect you also to do all the housework, for example?

It would also bother me that your DF has a relationship with his ex where he talks about these matters more freely than with you where (a) you will be his DW and (b) you are being expected to pay!!!!!

BattyKoda · 08/05/2010 09:27

If she has been open about her savings he might be under the impression that all money will be their money when married.

If I knew my fiance had a susbstantial amount of money saved, I would fully expect for them to be treated as ours once married and living together, but then that is our set up, any money we have gets put into the 'pot', regardless of who puts the most in, it is our money.

If the OP has made it clear her money is her money, and not to be shared, then fair enough he was massively presumptuous and unreasonable to expect her to fork out. However I can't see how she would have made that clear if he is already aware of her savings.

LynetteScavo · 08/05/2010 09:27

As belgo said.

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 09:29

I think the fact that he expects you to use your savings for this, it's not that it can be covered out of your disposable income, speaks volumes.

If you were earning £500K pa or something then I could maybe see his POV better.

I've just realised that if xenia were here she would be very against this. She maintains that women should only marry men with same or higher income level, so as not to get taken to the cleaners on divorce.

piscesmoon · 08/05/2010 09:30

I would stop him moving in for the moment. Work out what you really want long term. If you become a family unit and go on to have another DC together then all DCs have to be equal. Is this really what you want?

BattyKoda · 08/05/2010 09:30

I do also think he was massively unreasonable for dicussing this with his ex, but I think it a bit far fetched to scream 'gold digger' when we know so little.

porcamiseria · 08/05/2010 09:30

Oh dear, you need to talk as this is a potential mess. he has a case, BUT so do you. do you think its going to be easy living as a family when one is at state and one and private school?

have some chats as you might well decide you are better off to be free and find someone more suited to you

why on earth did this not come up before may I ask?????

MollieO · 08/05/2010 09:31

Battykoda would you make an agreement with your ex about your new partner's finances without discussing it with your new partner first? That is what has happened to the OP and imo that is completely unacceptable.

I don't get the point that one poster made about what the view would be if the OP were male. This isn't a gender issue at all.

JackBauer · 08/05/2010 09:31

How long have you been together? How old are your DS's?

I don't know, I can see your fiance's point, a bit, but I can totally understand why you would not want to.

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 09:31

not that xenia's word is law the op just made me think of her

BattyKoda · 08/05/2010 09:32

Maybe she is earning that ImSoNotTelling?