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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to pay for their education?

230 replies

Name1 · 08/05/2010 08:40

Namechanged as I have a feeling I will get judged and lynched here.
My fiance' and I are in the process of moving in together. He and his Son are moving to my house (with me and my DS) as teh house is bigger and more spacious and also because I own it, not rent.
DF and I have have a lot in common but we have led pretty different lives up until now. I have a professional career and savings, DF works in Halfords and has no savings. I didn't think it would be a problem. Anyway last night DF mentioned something about when his son starts my son's school. (My son goes private) and this suprised me as I thought he had no money! So I casually asked how he'd got the fees together. He looked at me really suspiciously and said "you have loads of savings". So to cut a long story short, he assumed I would be paying for his DS's education when he comes to live here and not only that, but his daughter's also who lives with her mother!!! I feel a bit used and I'm starting to wonder if money is more of a kmotivation to him moving here than our relationship is.
I know the boys would have to be treat the same and have the same opportunities but is it really right that I have to use my savings to put his child through private school? or aibu?

In the past year or so I have bought his DS clothes, paid for his passport, paid for a school trip he had as DF couldn't find the money and also paid for a day to Alton Towers for us all. I'm not tight but putting another child through private will eat at my savings.

OP posts:
SloanyPony · 08/05/2010 11:50

Can he not afford private fees now he's not paying rent? How much is that saving him a month?

caramelwaffle · 08/05/2010 11:52

Ahhh yes SugarmousePink - a VERY good point about the OP getting pregnant and deciding that maybe, just maybe, she would like to be a SAHM. 'Tis not illegal after all

Name1 - tell your DF you are looking forward to getting married very much. You want to get pregnant as soon as possible and become a SAHM. You will both live off your savings whilst he works towards his promotions.
Come back and give us his response, please.

pigletmania · 08/05/2010 11:56

Its different if name1 offered to pay the fees because she wanted to out of the goodness of her heart with no pressure, but for the df to expect them to be paid and discussing it with his ex behind her back and not the op is and

pigletmania · 08/05/2010 11:59

Think verrrrrrrrry carefully before becoming involved with this man

bobbleplate · 08/05/2010 12:01

If you could pay it comfortably from your earnings then maybe (and only maybe) there is room for discussion

To use your savings to pay for private education for stepchildren, when both biological parents contribute feck all, well that is taking the piss.

Once you are married you need to make sure any wills, life insurance etc are watertight too.

pigletmania · 08/05/2010 12:04

Even then bobbleplat why should she pay for the fees from her earnings, the children have both parents around, she is not responsible for them, THEY are! If they cant afford private fees than they have to go to comprehensive school. To assume that the op will pay for them and discuss it behind her back is

Quattrocento · 08/05/2010 12:25

Let's put it another way

Say you split up three years down the line. Not being pessimistic, just realistic as after all, second marriages are statistically more likely to fail than first marriages.

You could end up financially liable for your fiancee's children's school fees. You could end up having to give him equity enough to enable him to buy a house.

And you may think well, if it's your mistake, you deserve the financial consequences.

But does your DS?

Do think long and hard about this ...

bobbleplate · 08/05/2010 12:31

You're right pigletmania. It's not something I would consider doing, but I never quite trust my own judgement when it comes to stepchildren because I made plenty of mistakes of bringing up my own!

expatinscotland · 08/05/2010 12:38

And what happens when the savings is gone?

Bet he is, too.

Don't you want to use your savings for yourself and your son?

Repeat after me: Con.Artist.

And yes, I'd say the same if the OP were a man.

Original poster
Name1 · 08/05/2010 12:39

Thanks again for the replies but I'm a bit shocked at the "where's the OP?" comments. As someone else pointed out, it's saturday morning, I have housework to do, shopping to do, DS to play with - do some of you really sit on Mumsnet ALL day??? I just can't do that, sorry.

Anyway back to the topic - I don't earn anywhere near £500k!!! I wish! my earnings alone would not be enough to pay for DS's education. That gets paid for by savings combined with the maintanance from his father. The savings are nothing amazing either, I have enough to more or less get DS through school, uni and then to maybe have a holiday at the end of it!
I'm not rich. I live comfortably.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/05/2010 12:42

Yet this person has assumed, without asking, that you are going to be able and willing to pay for three lots of school fees, including for a child that doesn't even live with you.

Your ex pays for part of your child's school fees, but he is expecting you to shoulder all of that for his two when, as pointed out, they have another parent.

In the past year, he's already been mooching off you without so much as a by-your-leave.

And he also expects you to take them all to FL.

Repeat after me: Con. Artist.

Original poster
Name1 · 08/05/2010 12:44

He's even asked if any of the maintanance can be used for his DS too.
I'm not tight and would always treat his son the same but buying two pairs of £50 trainers is a bit different to paying two (or 3!) lots of private school fees isn't it?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/05/2010 12:47

'He's even asked if any of the maintanance can be used for his DS too.'

Imagine how you would feel, if you were paying maintenance for your non-resident child, for his/her support and well-being, and you found out it was going to your ex's boyfriend's or girlfriend's kids?

DTMFA.

EdgarAllenPoll · 08/05/2010 12:47

do some of you really sit on Mumsnet ALL day???

do some of us not..?

shimmerysilverglitter · 08/05/2010 12:49

It seems to me that your careful management of your income has made your DF think that there is a lot more to go round than there actually is.

I don't have a lot of money but I don't drink or smoke and I am very careful with my money, also my parents help out every now and then I usually have enough to see us through. My ex whom I am on ok terms with seems to think that I am loaded and is constantly suggesting meals and days out for the dc that I just cannot afford, he gets quite irritated and calls me "tight" when I refuse.

This man sounds shocking and to be honest I could never find this kind of attitude attractive. He sounds like my ex very fond of spending what I call "OPM" (Other People's Money.

Be very, very careful. I know it is easy for us on here to say "get rid" but in this case knowing what I know now I really would, he sounds so grasping. How can he possibly expect this?

Xenia you are terrible but you do make me laugh.

Froid · 08/05/2010 12:50

He has no respect for you and is using you as a cash cow. He obviously believes he's on to a good deal, good money coming in and lots of it sat in the bank. He probably feels like he's won the lottery. You have, however won three more children. Hope you can afford them all!

welshdeb · 08/05/2010 12:54

No no no your ds has a father who is paying to maintain HIM not other peoples children. The fact your df has asked about the maintenance raises even more red flags. What does he spend his money on? Presumably with no rent he should have more money to spend on HIS child/ren not sponge off you/ your ex.
I think he see you as a meal ticket with benefits.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 08/05/2010 12:55

seems to me that he's after you for your money.

pigletmania · 08/05/2010 12:57

Sorry name why are you with this vulture, because thats what he sounds like, there does not seem to be any redeeming features. Expecting your ds maintainence to go on his children . Leave him dont do it, dont move in with him, you are a walking bank card to him thats all,sorry to be blunt but thats what it seems like tbh.

BattyKoda · 08/05/2010 12:57

He asked if the maintenance could go to his DS too?

What did you say? Fuck off I hope?

How does he know so much about your finances?

EdgarAllenPoll · 08/05/2010 13:03

i think what gets me about this is he isn't acting like half of a couple - where you would discuss how this was possible, how finances would be arranged, he is treating you like a cash machine instead - he isn't discussing whether what he wants is realistic, he's assuming that it is - and sharing that assumption with ExW!
I also think he has a v. different attitude to money to you.

Now i really believe that in a marriage you share equally - so i don't think education for his son would be unreasonable to ask...but very unresonable to assume without really discussing indepth what was to be done... How can you just assume this! HOW!!!).

DuelingFanjo · 08/05/2010 13:03

I think you should sit down with him and explain that the comments about paying for his son's education have really shocked you and you need to talk to him about it and how these things are going to be worked out if he moves in with you.

Will he be paying towards the mortgage for example, will you ever be putting his name on the mortgage or having something drawn up legally to show that you have contributed more to the house financially before he moved in.

I would advise it.

paisleyleaf · 08/05/2010 13:03

Well maybe you could say something like that the private education is only possible for your son because of the contributions from his father.

(Also, that you hadn't been thinking of adopting his DS as he has his mother).

But really, I think you need to reconsider the whole marriage thing.

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 13:10

What did you say when he asked about some of the maintenace money being available for his children?

That's outrageous.

In what context did it come up?

BattyKoda · 08/05/2010 13:11

She probably wondered off and is yet to get back to him ISNT.

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