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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to pay for their education?

230 replies

Name1 · 08/05/2010 08:40

Namechanged as I have a feeling I will get judged and lynched here.
My fiance' and I are in the process of moving in together. He and his Son are moving to my house (with me and my DS) as teh house is bigger and more spacious and also because I own it, not rent.
DF and I have have a lot in common but we have led pretty different lives up until now. I have a professional career and savings, DF works in Halfords and has no savings. I didn't think it would be a problem. Anyway last night DF mentioned something about when his son starts my son's school. (My son goes private) and this suprised me as I thought he had no money! So I casually asked how he'd got the fees together. He looked at me really suspiciously and said "you have loads of savings". So to cut a long story short, he assumed I would be paying for his DS's education when he comes to live here and not only that, but his daughter's also who lives with her mother!!! I feel a bit used and I'm starting to wonder if money is more of a kmotivation to him moving here than our relationship is.
I know the boys would have to be treat the same and have the same opportunities but is it really right that I have to use my savings to put his child through private school? or aibu?

In the past year or so I have bought his DS clothes, paid for his passport, paid for a school trip he had as DF couldn't find the money and also paid for a day to Alton Towers for us all. I'm not tight but putting another child through private will eat at my savings.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 08/05/2010 13:12

Sorry the audacity of the man is shocking. Your ds maintanince (sp) is for him, your ex does not pay for your df children, HE should. Yes what financial contributions is HE going to make or does he expect that you will pay for everything, mortgage,bills,etc You are just too soft tbh

rosieposey · 08/05/2010 13:18

The maintence money that my exDH give to me for our 3 DD's does tend to go into the pot as well though - ex DH knows this but doesnt mind given that my DH had a perfectly nice 3 bed was living on his own before he met me but upsized to a 5 bed as we now have 4 DC's (three of which are teens) in the family and need the room. Sacrifices all round see?

Even if he doesnt earn much money thats fair enough but he could contribute or offer to. Im honestly surprised that you haven't had this out with him as yet. I agree with others on the thread, it does sound as if you are having misgivings and i would honestly heed those warning bells in your head. You know if something is right because its easy and you just do it, if its wrong then you end up thinking like you are now ... I honestly hope you get it sorted for you and your DS's sakes.

MollieO · 08/05/2010 13:25

The fact that he has asked whether the money paid by the father of your child could be used for his children frankly sums him up. He is very interested in your money. If you are happy with that then that is good for you. However I wonder how interested he would be in you if you were working in Halfords with him...

There is probably more to this whole story than you have posted. I am sure you must have thought about the educational inequality re his son and yours and the fact that they will be living together. If you haven't then there seems that you have to have a frank and open discussion with your df and resolve these issues before you consider living together/getting married.

MollieO · 08/05/2010 13:26

Should add that I have been out this morning too. I do not spend my entire time on MN, no really I don't .

Angelcat666 · 08/05/2010 13:31

Run as fast and as far away from this man as you can. Red flags are up, alarm bells are ringing. He's using you. I agree with Expat, he's a con artist.

The fact that he never even offers a contribution and expects you to pay for everything is not on. That he spoke to his ex and told his children that they were going to private school and then practically presenting it to you as a fait accompli is out of order.

For your own sake and that of your DS get out of this relationship.

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 13:33

Nothing wrong with people paying for the stepchildrens private education

Nothing wrong with maintenace money going into the pot

As long as it is all discussed and agreed from POV of what is best for that family

Assuming that someone will spend all their savings on private school for their kids and Asking whether maintenance money could be spent on other children is hugely wrong.

Angelcat666 · 08/05/2010 13:34

Btw I'm going out now so am not spending all my time on mn

Angelcat666 · 08/05/2010 13:36

Yes, I agree with your last post ImSoNotTelling. It's the presumptions and the expectation that she pays for everything that worries me.

backtotalkaboutthis · 08/05/2010 13:53

ot to say I have read this thread as a deregisterer and am so shocked that I re-registered to tell you that I think you'd be absolutely crazy to committing to paying for their education.

Why?

What happens if you split up? You might be required to continue paying maintenance for their education as that's what they've been used to.

Why?

Because you might lose your job and you will need your savings to keep your son at school.

Why?

Because if you can't afford it in future all the children might have to move school including your son.

Why?

For all the other reasons mentioned by others which amount to basically that he has his eyes on the prize. Money.

It doesn't matter how much he likes you or loves you or whatever, he doesn't respect you enough, that's for sure. What dreadful assumptions about entitlements he's making.

Tell him no. See what happens. He wants to live off you basically and you have to say no because and I think someone else said this, he will bleed you dry.

Just say no and see if he runs. Tell him you've saved a certain amount for your son's education and the rest is for a house, or your pension, or his university education.

The assumptions are appalling.

Anyway am going to deregister again now

listen to what they are all saying

saslou · 08/05/2010 13:58

If you marry this man and then get divorced, he'll be after your house and will probably try to get maintenance too.For the sake of your sons future financial security, please don't let marry this man

BigWoof · 08/05/2010 13:59

OP I would get rid of him

You need to put your son first and think of all of his long term needs. The way your DF wants to spend your money on his children seems to suggest that you are just a bank for him and he has no real interest in your DSs future.

Ask your DF how the school fees would be paid if you went on maternity leave (assuming you both want more children)

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 13:59

You'll be back, deregisterer

Nancy66 · 08/05/2010 14:09

OP - you're being a mug. If you let this bloke move in with you after all you've said then you must be fucking desperate.

he sounds a waster and a sponger.

saslou · 08/05/2010 14:10

Meant to add that if I was your exDH and was paying maintenance for my ds to go to private school I would be more than pissed off if the money was spent financially supporting someone elses DC, esp if that potentially threatened my own childs ability to remain at private school. It sounds to me as if you don't have enough money to pay for all DC to be privately educated, so what happens to those children when the cash runs out. Better for his dc not to go to private school in the first place than to go and have to be taken out halfway through because the money ran out!

hatesponge · 08/05/2010 14:11

How do you get to the stage of being engaged to and about to move in with someone without having discussed finances?

Seriously, what was going to happen when he moved in? Were you setting up a joint account for bills etc or was his money still going to be his own, & you carry on paying for everything?!

I dont think you should pay for his children's education. HOWEVER, I think having one child at state, and one at private will create what might at best be termed an uncomfortable situation - you are expecting the 2 children to live under the same roof, as step siblings, but the inevitable inference is that your child is 'worth' more than his.

What happens if you now have children together? Will they be privately or state educated?

I think you have to put the brakes on this immediately. You then need to have a full and frank exchange of views about finances. And you also need to think seriously if it can work out longterm.

It's possible there may not be a solution. I'm a single parent, I have a large house (albeit with a huge mortgage thanks to feckless spendthrift Ex) but a decent salary. As such I would be very reluctant to get involved with anyone not in a similar financial position. This probably explains why I am, and will remain single

PixieOnaLeaf · 08/05/2010 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

porcamiseria · 08/05/2010 14:12

another thing....

how do you know that if he marries you, under their custody agreement he might have to pay more maintenance. this will likely come from you. This has happened to my friend

mayorquimby · 08/05/2010 14:19

Funny I thought the general consensus on here was that when married, as they intend to be, there should be no such thing as my money and your money and instead it should be our money.

Elasticwoman · 08/05/2010 14:23

Sorry have only read OP.

You're not tight but you are being taken for a ride. For your fiance to have assumed that you would be paying for his son's education is v bad news. I would ditch him now.

Quattrocento · 08/05/2010 14:26

I do know several families where the birth (not step) children go to different schools. Some a mix of fee-paying and state, others a mix of different fee-paying options ... It doesn't mean that the children are loved any less - just that they do different routes

gingernutlover · 08/05/2010 14:28

what do you think his reaction will be when you tell him you have no intention of paying his children's school fees?

If he see's it as a deal breaker then there's your answer.

I would be very very suspicious about the fact he has discussed this with everyone except you, when in fact it would be your decision.

BritFish · 08/05/2010 14:43

mayorquimby: yeah, i always got that impression.
which i dont think is right for everyone.
some families feel its better to put all the money together, others would prefer to pay for children individually.
whatever works for the family.
if i divorced and remarried, i wouldnt expect the new man to contribute to anything other than house costs, bills etc.
i wouldnt expect anyone to pay for my DC's, after all they have two parents already why would another need to contribute?

OP, seriously this guy is taking you for a ride. private education is a privilege, not a right. his children have two parents to drain financially, they should not be cutting into your personal savings!

MPuppykin · 08/05/2010 14:47

I agree with others. Be careful. DH has a friend who had a short (18 month) marriage, but because he had verbally promised it, has ended up paying for three ex-Step children to go through private schooling. 7 years (I think) after the divorce and the youngest is just finishing up now and he is financially straitened to say the least. (Also, his Ex-wife apparently has gone back to the courts to see if she can get him to pay for their univ fees as well.)

firsttimemum77 · 08/05/2010 14:53

MPuppykin - - what a bitch his ex-wife is!!!

BattyKoda · 08/05/2010 14:57

What a bitch?! For looking out for her kids and ensuring he stuck to his promise?!

Jeees...

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