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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to pay for their education?

230 replies

Name1 · 08/05/2010 08:40

Namechanged as I have a feeling I will get judged and lynched here.
My fiance' and I are in the process of moving in together. He and his Son are moving to my house (with me and my DS) as teh house is bigger and more spacious and also because I own it, not rent.
DF and I have have a lot in common but we have led pretty different lives up until now. I have a professional career and savings, DF works in Halfords and has no savings. I didn't think it would be a problem. Anyway last night DF mentioned something about when his son starts my son's school. (My son goes private) and this suprised me as I thought he had no money! So I casually asked how he'd got the fees together. He looked at me really suspiciously and said "you have loads of savings". So to cut a long story short, he assumed I would be paying for his DS's education when he comes to live here and not only that, but his daughter's also who lives with her mother!!! I feel a bit used and I'm starting to wonder if money is more of a kmotivation to him moving here than our relationship is.
I know the boys would have to be treat the same and have the same opportunities but is it really right that I have to use my savings to put his child through private school? or aibu?

In the past year or so I have bought his DS clothes, paid for his passport, paid for a school trip he had as DF couldn't find the money and also paid for a day to Alton Towers for us all. I'm not tight but putting another child through private will eat at my savings.

OP posts:

Quattrocento · 08/05/2010 10:17

ISNT - this is not my area of law, and the rules are complicated and applied to each individual circumstance, so not hard and fast. But no, you don't take out what you put in. here's a basic summary And this situation is complicated because of the children

irishbird · 08/05/2010 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 08/05/2010 10:18

YANBU what a cheeky man, think carefully before you marry him. Why should you use YOUR savings to fund HIS children. If he wants his children to go to private school he should fund it himself.

ScreaminEagle · 08/05/2010 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pigletmania · 08/05/2010 10:19

Yes and think very very carefully before you let him move in with you could get you into a bit of a mess tbh.

expatinscotland · 08/05/2010 10:20

I would not move in with this man. I would definitely not marry him.

I smell a con artist, tbh.

edam · 08/05/2010 10:28

If you let him move in and send his kids to private school, you may well be treated as responsible for their education even if the relationship breaks up. If you marry him, even more so. But even if you are merely engaged, I suspect a lawyer may well consider the kids have a claim on you once they are in new schools (legal action can be taken in the name of the child).

His assumption that he can start spending your money and tell the world without even bothering to discuss it with you should be ringing huge alarm bells. Delay the whole thing while you think about it, see a lawyer, or ditch him.

EdgarAllenPoll · 08/05/2010 10:29

i don't think it is what he expects so much as the fact he hasn't discussed it with you...why haven't you discussed this? you say you would actually expect to treat two childen in the same house as the same way...but haven't discussed what exactly this means prior to having him move in with you?

maxybrown · 08/05/2010 10:29

If I was to be moving in with someone with my child who also has another parent, it would not for minute enter my head that all of a sudden that man would be responsible financially for my child

Do not do this please - somebody genuine would understand - but then I am not a fan of presumers or people who expect either. You know yourself already, by saying he doesn't even offer anything - you are an easy ride.

He obviously does not feel uncomfortable about you paying for anything - and I'm sorry, but the response of "But you have lots of savings".....sheesh.........GET RID.

Any half decent person would be genuinely mortified after saying this to you and then seeing your reaction, realising that they have been presumptious and extremely embarrased about it all - and then to expect the daughter to be paid for.

Sounds like a huuuuuuuge scam or he is an ignorant, rude, presumptious no good so and so

caramelwaffle · 08/05/2010 10:31

Let him and ex wife (?) pay for their daughter's private education. If they can not, it is tough tiddly

If the ex wife (?) is also the mother of his son, let her, and him pay for their son's private education. If they can not, it is tough tiddly.
(They are both working and he will be living for freeeeeeeeeee with you. They can work out their budget based on this.)

If the mother is someone else, let her and him pay for the son's education.

If you are marrying this man and adopting his son - you and (then) DH pay for his education.

You continue to pay for your son's education; put the money in to an educational trust. Romance will turn your head to moosh so do not let even you get in the way of paying this.

Do not live together until married (not with this man)

Do not live together until married

Write your will and set up Trusts for your son. Update as and when necessary.

I've said it nicely. Now I'll tell you How It Is

This man is a wannabe-cocklodging go-behind-your-back-set-you-up-use-you-take-all-your-money-planned-with-other-women-need-I-go-on?-
pisstaker really.

Yes. Yes. You love him. You are soulmates yadda, yadda

But it is the smaller amounts of money (the day trips etc) and how he handles that; he does, after all, work. He can pay his way. He chooses not to.

You are the perfect mark or patsy. Except you did The Clever Thing and came to us vipers at MN to give you a virtual slap on the chops.

paisleyleaf · 08/05/2010 10:32

To marry him maybe you should be of the mindspace that you'd want to.
I just don't see how this is going to work, and it's only going to go on and on over the years.
The Florida thing is ridiculous, and for me that sums him up as knowing he's onto a cushy number, more than the education thing.
I know you're engaged and so probably feeling all positive about him - but cynically, what if you split years down the line?

maxybrown · 08/05/2010 10:40

Oh yes the Florida thing - what a bizarre thing to say!!

While you're at it - I've never even been abroad so if you could oblige please?!! I'm also sure a lot of other children in the country could do with going too, so you may as well take them with you whilst you're at it

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 10:43

Yes the florida thing is weird.

It sounds like another poster on here who has a partner who says everything has to be the same for all children even when it is inappropriate/silly.

sunshiney · 08/05/2010 10:44

Lol at the last bit of caramelwaffle's post...

Yeah, OP come on now the vipers are unanimous. Put the brakes on!

pigletmania · 08/05/2010 10:49

I personally I would not move in with this scrounger man, the children have TWO parents, and so its not up to you to support them. If as parents they cannot afford private education like the rest of us i am afraid its comprehensive it is. I personally would not have a relationship with him let alone marry him or move in

BessieBoots · 08/05/2010 10:55

Sorry but I do think he's taking you for a ride. The fact that his ex presumes you will pay shows that they've been talking behind your back about it.

LynetteScavo · 08/05/2010 11:04

I just had a thought..the money he is saving by not paying rent would cover school fees, surely? If he really wants his children to have a private education, he will be able to budget for it.

rosieposey · 08/05/2010 11:23

When i moved in with DH it was just me and my three girls, i never expected him once to support them as my ex DH does that. Of course as it is we do comibine finances and he supports them as much as he does his our mutual DS but the thing was i didnt 'expect' it and having been on our own for so long i was used to looking after them myself (and with ex DS's help financially here and there).
The fact that you havent moved in together yet and that he is already assuming that you are going to be forthcoming with ALL of your money would ring alarm bells for me. I once went out with a guy who basically let me pay for everything all the time - it only lasted a month as i got fed up with it and him taking the piss and if i hadnt been in such a vunerable place it wouldnt have even lasted a month If i were you i would think very carefully about this and have a long chat about what he expects from you and this relationship (or just bin him based on his taking the piss out of you thus far).
If his ex is in cahoots and thinks that you are going to pay for her children to go to private school id be even more worried and if im really honest - i cant understand why you need telling this? It sounds completely dodgy, the Florida thing and the private school thing aside - it all sounds wrong

beanlet · 08/05/2010 11:29

Massive red warning flags flying here -- seriously, you should be reconsidering whether you should be marrying this man at all. It would be one thing if you had the income and had offered to pay for your step-son's education (and even his sister's). It's another thing totally that he a) doesn't currently pay for anything and b) has already assumed you will pay for both his children's education and discussed it with their mother first.

For me, this would be the warning sign that the marriage would not work out, and that it was time to end it.

mountainmonkey · 08/05/2010 11:29

I'm just really surprised that you haven't already discussed the issue of money and who's going to be paying for what. I would've sorted all that out long before moving in together and definitely before getting engaged.

starshaker · 08/05/2010 11:33

Has the OP been back at all?

Xenia · 08/05/2010 11:37

Why marry a man who works in Halfords? He sounds like a total loser unless you've a fleet of bikes you want him to repair in his spare time.

I have two or three friends who are or have paid school fees for their new wife's child. It's very common and sexist if we think it's fine that way round but not the other BUT he seems to be jumping to conclusions. If you are going to marry him as Qu says be vvery awar of the legal consequences. If he earns less than you do he may get more than you of your joint assets. My ex got about 60% of our joint assets. I earn more than he does. So just be careful about that and the courts are giving some consideration to pre nups now although they are not legally binding and you do have children on both sides already and may have some together so do consider getting one drawn up with legal advice on both sides before the wedding. if he is moving in before the wedding also have a written agreement about that too. If he loves you he won't object.

SugarMousePink · 08/05/2010 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rosieposey · 08/05/2010 11:46

No starshaker I cant help feeling a bit about all of this because if the OP is smart enough to save all that wedge, owns her own house and has a responsible and great job then surely she would know that her DF is taking the royal piss.

OP if you are for real im really sorry for you and i hope you have enough sense to run and protect yourself and your DS rather than let this guy and the mother of his children bleed you dry.

LetThereBeRock · 08/05/2010 11:49

Xenia. Could you possibly be any more snobbish? Your superiority complex never fails to amaze me.

He does sound like a loser and is most certainly taking advantage of the OP,but he's not a loser simply because he works in Halfords.

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