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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to pay for their education?

230 replies

Name1 · 08/05/2010 08:40

Namechanged as I have a feeling I will get judged and lynched here.
My fiance' and I are in the process of moving in together. He and his Son are moving to my house (with me and my DS) as teh house is bigger and more spacious and also because I own it, not rent.
DF and I have have a lot in common but we have led pretty different lives up until now. I have a professional career and savings, DF works in Halfords and has no savings. I didn't think it would be a problem. Anyway last night DF mentioned something about when his son starts my son's school. (My son goes private) and this suprised me as I thought he had no money! So I casually asked how he'd got the fees together. He looked at me really suspiciously and said "you have loads of savings". So to cut a long story short, he assumed I would be paying for his DS's education when he comes to live here and not only that, but his daughter's also who lives with her mother!!! I feel a bit used and I'm starting to wonder if money is more of a kmotivation to him moving here than our relationship is.
I know the boys would have to be treat the same and have the same opportunities but is it really right that I have to use my savings to put his child through private school? or aibu?

In the past year or so I have bought his DS clothes, paid for his passport, paid for a school trip he had as DF couldn't find the money and also paid for a day to Alton Towers for us all. I'm not tight but putting another child through private will eat at my savings.

OP posts:

Quattrocento · 08/05/2010 09:34

I don't know about the idea of marrying people with the same income level. Marriages, even nowadays, last for years and it's impossible to tell whether one partner will earn lots and lots.

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 09:35

She has said that it would be her savings that would be spent on the school fees.

it's not on IMO and I don;t think it's a gender issue either

If I were moving in with someone who I knew had some savings I wouldn't earmark it all for my children without even talking about it

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 09:35

You want to follow xenia around batty

BattyKoda · 08/05/2010 09:37

MollieO - I have said I don't find that acceptable at all.

I do think that had this been a male poster complaining about his future wifes expectation to be entitled to his money, there wouldn't be so many crys of 'dump her she's a gold digger'. I honestly don't. We don't know enough about the relationship to jump to conclusions like that.

All I see is that the OP has got into a relationship with a man, a man she is moving in with, and intends to marry, yet they don't appear to have come to any agreement about how the finaces will work.

Maybe he's assumed he will be entitled to her savings because thats how it was in his previous relationship. Maybe it was the other way round in his previous relationship, and then he lost his job, house and his money in a messy divorce?? MAybe he presumed because shes talked openly about her savings, but not made clear the they are her savings....

BattyKoda · 08/05/2010 09:38

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 09:38

I think same income level = not a big deal

Similar education, ambitions, outlook on life, work ethic etc etc all important

I was with someone for years who was not at all ambitious and had a min wage job and while he was very nice and all, I think it would have caused problems if we had married and had children. He had no drive and I think arguments would have ensued if we had had kids.

twolittlemonkeys · 08/05/2010 09:41

I am at his assumption. Discussing the matter of private education for his kids is one thing but your DP and his ex assuming you'll pay really should be ringing alarm bells. Don't move in with him, it does sound like he'll bleed you dry. I can see that there could be resentment, though less so if his children live with ex than with you. If he and his ex have their sights on private education for their kids THEY need to work out a way to pay for it (maybe with you making a contribution if you are willing/able)

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 09:41

If I posted on MN saying that I was engaged and knew my DF had savings and that I assumed that he would spend his savings on putting my kids through private school. And that I had told my kids "when I marry X you will go to private school" and had told my ex as well. And that when I mentioned all this to my DF they were WTF and I couldn't understand it.

MN would give the same response as here.

Why are people so keen to see sexism in this sort of situation.

Quattrocento · 08/05/2010 09:44

Do please rethink the marriage idea. A chum of mine (male) has, after two years of marriage, been obligated to provide his now ex with the value of a house and maintenance for her child (not his) to the age of 18. He is terribly bitter because he sees now that she really was primarily motivated by money. Do take care ...

SeasideLil · 08/05/2010 09:49

Definitely a bad situation, as he ASSUMED his son will be going to the private school and that you will pay for a non-resident child as well! There's nothing wrong with having a conversation about who will go to which school, whether it's worth moving his children, whether it's more important they are all equal and so on. But he assumes you will pay for everything, and so far you have!

Money absolutely needs to be discussed. I don't have a problem with one partner leaning on the other for a while, say when in education, but he doesn't seem to be planning to take his turn, or throw any money into the pot. Planning holidays and school fees with your money, that's well out of order. If you discuss your joint pot of money and make those decisions together, fair enough. A frank chat about money in general (not about schools) is needed.

Goblinchild · 08/05/2010 09:52

Battykoda "Gosh, I'd love to see the response if it were a man that had written the OP."

I'd say exactly the same thing, why would I not?

MumInBeds · 08/05/2010 09:52

Even putting the money aside it seems there are some pretty big communication issues that need to be resolved before you live together. Don't let yourself be put in the position of needing to live together before you are absolutely sure.

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 09:52

quattro that's unbelievable.

i thought you took out what you put in, in a short marriage, if no children involved

or is it this thing that if you're married the starting point is half each even if it's only been a month

sethstarkaddersmum · 08/05/2010 09:53

dh's uncle lost half his house after a short marriage with no children (and his dog, which he was more concerned about )

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 09:56

How does that work then?

is it that the starting point is half each?

boyngirl · 08/05/2010 09:58

YANBU

I think it's very worrying that he assumed this, it's pretty outrageous actually. I'm shocked. I know loads of mixed/step familes and the biological parents always pay for/make provisions for education. Sometimes that means the dc go to different schools.

I wouldn't pay for my step kids education, however much I loved or supported them.

LittleMrsHappy · 08/05/2010 09:59

Where's the OP

Goblinchild · 08/05/2010 10:00

Drawing up a prenup?

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 10:01

counting her money

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 10:02

I think whether step kids should/shoudn't be schooled together is a tricky question which comes down to family circs etc.

However in this case it's the presumption that's the problem.

sungirltan · 08/05/2010 10:03

YADNBU!!

read back what you have written op - the wanting to go again to florida is just barking.

he is jealous of your financial position and it makes him feel inadequate. that is not your issue.

i dont think this relationship is on an equal footing.

sorry

sungirltan · 08/05/2010 10:05

quattrocento - my dh's exw tried to pull that shit too - she lost in court but it was an awful experience for dh

SeaTrek · 08/05/2010 10:07

WOW - that is such a difficult situation.

YANBU, at all, to be concerned. What an assumption!

I agree with a of the previous posters. I think a frank discussion about money needs to be had before he moves in with you.

I guess only you will know whether alarm bells are ringing or not, but they would be for me .

BelleDameSansMerci · 08/05/2010 10:10

As stated earlier, it's the fact that expects the money to come out of the savings. What happens when all the savings have gone?

I get all the points about if the situation were reversed but I don't think I'd expect a wealthier man to pay for my DD's school fees and certainly not from his savings.

This is, quite simply, not on.

OP YANBU

mrsfred · 08/05/2010 10:15

YA definitely not BU.
The fact that he had even discussed it with his ex before you says as much as you need to know.

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