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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to spend a substational amount of money on an engagement ring?

541 replies

hotCheeseBURNS · 01/05/2010 13:18

Like one month's salary? The whole point of having a "guideline" like that is that a month's salary is a lot of money. To eveyone, whether you earn £10K or £300K.

We don't have a huge amount of money, but we don't really have any debt, and we like having stuff, we live in a materialistic world. If dp is happy to spend thousands on a flash car, or hundreds on an electric drum kit, if he wears designer clothes (albeit from TK Maxx) and has a top of the range mobile phone, am I being unreasonable to think that I should get the same treatment? A ring to wear for the rest of my
life, to hand down to grandchildren? A symbol of our relationship.

OP posts:
Doodleydoo · 02/05/2010 19:43

IagreewithNick I have to disagree on your point of good food not being expensive... good food can be uuuber expensive, weird food can be even more expensive - snail porridge anyone?

Sorry off topic but felt like lightening the mood as I feel since last looking it has got all a bit too much, i.e if you have an expensive ring you are shallow and won't have a decent relationship and if you have a cheap ring your other half doesn't love you. If that was the case would love to know why the hell anyone is married! I believe it all to be relative, if you earn lots of money then why the hell shouldn't you spend it on your beloved, if you don't then there is no point in getting yourself into debt just to get it. Everyone is in different situations and we should all live according to the cut of our cloth (i.e I don't want to live the life of a pauper if we have some money sitting around that we can use to enrich our lives - be it diamonds (unlikely at this point), good food or something else, equally I don't want to get into serious debt over any of the above either!) There is so much angst out there today! Is it the weather girls?

OrmRenewed · 02/05/2010 19:44

Who gives a toss how much an engagement ring costs. It's totally irrelevant. The point is that the OP can't make her intended want to buy an expensive ring. And if she forces him to do it it's an empty gesture.

2rebecca · 02/05/2010 19:46

Yes, YABU. If my husband insisted I spent a months salary on him as proof of my love I'd think him money grabbing and shallow and would probably decide not to marry him after all.
It's jewellery. It doesn't matter. Most jewellery involves exploitation.
His money is now your money, why not put it towards a deposit or something you can both enjoy..

IagreewithNick · 02/05/2010 19:47

Doodley I can say hand on heart I have never bought snail porridge. Although I guess that over a life time I could have bought a few massive rocks for what we spend on food.

I agree Orm.

Ryoko · 02/05/2010 19:49

I was watching a shopping channel today showing off extremely over priced trash and talking it up so much.

Reading this thread makes me think there must be a lot of people falling for it if it's all about the price.

Tanzanite this and that, waxing lyrical about how beautiful a low grade cloudy plum coloured ruby is and going on about white gold.

nowherewoman · 02/05/2010 19:50

Tbh I think the whole engagement ring thing is a load of bollocks. And the convention of 1 month's salary being spent was thought up by de beers.

2rebecca · 02/05/2010 19:50

Probably should have said most expensive jewellery involves exploitation.

nowherewoman · 02/05/2010 19:52

And why does only the woman get a ring? Is it symbolic of her being bought?

BloomingFlowers · 02/05/2010 19:53

Cut to the chase.

I'f your'e asking the question.

It's wrong.

End off.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 02/05/2010 20:09

I agree with Orm

And it's a total smokescreen to say "we live in a materialistic world" - what you mean is "I am materialistic, this matters to me, and doesn't seem to matter as much to him". Which begs questions, really.

Megatron · 02/05/2010 20:24

I'm quite astonished at the level of bitching on this thread between some grown women about their jewellery. Slagging off each others engagement rings? Seriously? How completely pathetic.

scottishmummy · 02/05/2010 20:31

wow.an incisive point.how dare posters express divergent opinions.hope you were not overly inconvenienced

SpeedyGonzalez · 02/05/2010 20:45

rofl at scottishmummy!

nowhere - I agree! That's why I bought my DH a watch as an engagement gift.

SpeedyGonzalez · 02/05/2010 20:46

Orm - beautifully said.

LeQueen · 02/05/2010 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Megatron · 03/05/2010 08:11

Ah, the thing is, I don't see slagging someone's jewellery or relationship off as a divergent opinion. To me that's just er, slagging someone off. Not the same thing to me but hey ho.

Original poster
hotCheeseBURNS · 03/05/2010 16:19

Urrghh I'm really wishing I'd never started this thread!

I'd just like to point out that I don't want a "flashy" ring with a huge diamond, there's no way we could afford anything dramatic like that anyway, and I don't want anyone to get into debt buying a ring they can't afford!

But I do like jewellery. I have a jewellery box with all sorts in it, from cheap woven bracelets bought in Greece to a silver ring that my dad used to wear to the Links charm bracelet my granny gave me as a graduation present. Everything in my jewellery box has a meaning and a memory. Many of you find this completely materialistic and think that enjoying inanimate objects is shallow and devalues my relationships. Fine. Whatever.

Having read this whole thread I do want to completely retract the bit about a month's salary, which is unreasonable! An arbitary figure should not be introduced. I just thought that that was the norm! Naive of me. The point I was inneloquently trying to make though, is that personally, in my world, I feel that the cost of my engagement ring should be appropriate compared with disposable income and the amount we spend on other things we enjoy. Obviously everyone's priorities are different and not everyone thinks that having an engagement ring is important but for me, as I said, I'd rather spend money on a diamond than on a fancy wedding etc.

I don't think for one second that bigger ring = more love. If you both agree that a ring is not important then great. If you both decide it is important then great. I think my dp and I are actually in agreement now so that is great.

So in conlusion, I would love to have a real good quality engagement ring which will last for centuries. Platinum rather than white gold, with a certified conflict free diamond. Or even better something vintage. And fingers crossed that is what I'll get.

OP posts:
ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 03/05/2010 16:27

YANBU, ish. I think it's abit... you know... if someone buys niced things etc. but buys a cheap ring, unless it has alot of meaning. I don't think it's very important, but it would be like getting a tea cosy for your birthday if they bought themseleves something 'nicer'. I bought myself a nice emerald ring but sold it the other week because it had bugger all meaning. My wedding band was a gold plated bit of shitey tin which went brown but I kept it (in a box ).

Jamieandhismagictorch · 03/05/2010 16:36

Thanks for your last post, OP, I think it clears some things up. I think that most men would rail against being told that there's some abritrary amount that advertisers have told you you must spend, but glad he agree with your sentiments

scottishmummy · 03/05/2010 17:35

bottom line is the ring wont signify or cement relationship.yes you will like your ring.but the biggie in any relationship is how you communicate,share values,support and love each other.what you jointly do when the keech hits the fan (as sometimes it will)

and you cant buy that...

Original poster
hotCheeseBURNS · 03/05/2010 18:02

scottishmummy your view is patronising and irrelevant. If women who actually value diamonds more than relationships exist, I don't think they are here.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 03/05/2010 18:04

listen sister it isnt me in a strop about a ring.holding expectations of its monetary value and all that

ahh and they say love is dead

Original poster
hotCheeseBURNS · 03/05/2010 18:14

It's a ring! It's not a deal-maker or breaker! Just a nice added extra imo.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 03/05/2010 18:16

you make sure he flexes his plastic to keep you sweet

madwomanintheattic · 03/05/2010 18:33

lol op. i thought the same, before we went ring shopping. in the end i spent hours and hours umming and aaaahing between the platinum/ certified and a pretty little second hand unusual thing that was as cheap as chips (diamond chips lol).

i was convinced i wanted platinum/ rock, having swallowed the whole marketing thing. but in the end i didn't. we've been married for 12 years now and people often touch my hand and say 'what a lovely ring!'

you'll know when you find the right one