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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder about this woman...

190 replies

biddysmama · 27/04/2010 17:31

was a woman in asda with a small (maybe 4 months ish) baby, in a pram.. he was crying, she leaned into the pram said "why dont you justshut the fuck up" then turned to her friend and said "he never stops fucking crying"

not only is that not ok (in my book) but her friend didnt look shocked!

OP posts:
BuzzingNoise · 27/04/2010 22:43

Would you like to expand on that, HettiesMum?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/04/2010 04:22

But it's not just about swearing, is it? I mean, if someone hisses 'just shut up!' at their child in public, and then repeats it to a friend, then depending on the tone I might be a bit taken aback too.

A new boy recently started at my daughter's daycare, and the first week he started was understandably a bit upset (about 14 months old?). His mum dropped him off, looked at him crying with what I read as contempt, and said 'Oh, why don't you drink a cup of concrete and harden up?'. No swearing, but it did make me think - if she's happy to say that to him in front of other parents and childcare workers, then that's how she speaks to him normally. And given his distress, that's not a child who gets a lot of loving affection.

No swear words. But still made me sad for the little boy.

Madascheese · 28/04/2010 07:37

sigh

But no one on this thread has actually said, 'it's fine to swear and use bad language at your children, it's Ok to belittle them and make them feel bad'

No one says it's good parenting, there is a consensus that it's sad and unpleasant, but also a consensus of 'there but for the grace of God go I' because we are all human and a mumsnet universal condemnation of a Mum based on a snapshot of her life who 'maybe' does use bad language in every sentance seems unhelpful and vindictive. Especially given the fact that bad and judgy language was used to describe the incident and her.

No one ever called it parenting of the year award material, just suggested that it's not worth ironing your judgy pants for.

LittleMrsHappy · 28/04/2010 07:49

aliogise (sp) you cannot take a photography without content of the parents, new data protection at! what you done was illegal!

If your going to swear at your child, make sure your child is not subjected to emotional abuse, with your blue rated mouth and put downs on the child!

personally think its a crying shame that apparent parents who use obscenities at their children, to make then stop said behaviour, Its not going to achieve anything! Its vile lack of parenting and just plain right disgraceful!

BigBadMummy · 28/04/2010 07:56

only got to page three of this and lots of debate about Fuck... thread may have moved on so will check when this posts.... but...

I was rather proud when at the age of three my DD learnt to conjugate the verb "fuck".

I had muttered "For fuck's sake" about more cat crap on the carpet one morning and about an hour later when Barbie's head fell off my DD said "oh for the sake of fuck".

I was so proud. My child was a genius.

mumbar · 28/04/2010 07:58

swearing at kids is not good and does show parents have lost control BUT I admit to shouting and using a swear word with my DS (5) recently when stuck abroad with plane cancellations. He was tired whingy refusing to do anything excpet the opposite of what I asked!! and I was worried bout getting home. I lost control and shouted at him to stop the bad behaviour and being difficult as I was F-ing fed up too. I realised after the outburst that if I was feeling bad enough to use that language he must of been feeling worse as has lower understanding.
I apologised for shouting and using a bad word and we had cuddles and he behaved better after that.

NOT the right thing to do but we all have our limits and I don't think it makes us bad parents for reaching them - just human.

I agree with other netters words are better than violence which is nt acceptable.

LittleMrsHappy · 28/04/2010 08:25

I dont agree mumbar, its called emotional abuse, NEITHER is acceptable!

AnyFucker · 28/04/2010 08:27

I don't think swearing at children acceptable

I am guilty of it on occasion, it doesn't mean I think it is OK though

Verbal abuse is what it is. People who deny it isn't are wrong, IMO.

jonicomelately · 28/04/2010 08:57

I have nailed my colours very firmly to the mast already in saying that that what this woman said to this baby is very wrong.

That isn't to say I haven't lost my temper with my kids and DH who is very sweary once didn't realise that DS2 was in the room and swore. DS2 then repeated the word. I wasn't proud. I bollocked DH and he's more careful now.

To me, there is a world of difference between being at the end of your tether and snapping and leaning into a child's face and saying shut the fuck up or whatever it was she said then carrying on as if that was completely acceptable.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 28/04/2010 09:36

The OP needs to come back and clarify whether she shouted or whispered and in what context the mother said it before I can judge.

BigBadMummy, your daughter is a genius. I feel inferior now as all my DS says is "oh poo" when something has gone wrong. (no idea where he got it from because neither me or DH says that!)

Oblomov · 28/04/2010 09:38

The problem is that people can't agree on where, in realtion to shouting/swearing/smacking, where reasonable ends and abuse starts.
some people may think that a smack is abuse, entirely. others say it is not currently illegal in the uk, unless you leave a mark. even that is a grey area. others may not condone shouting or swearing, may think it is not good parenting. but may admit that these things do happen.
for others even the fatc thta it happened is abuse.
Tis a very difficult cand controversial topic.
I personally have shouted. Even sworn a couple of times. not good. but i do not consider it abuse. others do.

mumbar · 28/04/2010 18:05

I have to clarify that I swore in front of my DS not at him. It is wrong I agree but was not emotional abuse - not sure he even realised. He has no idea and calls them square words!!!

Read my thread littlehappy and you'll see I evaluated my emotions and actually losing my rag made me realise the reason for his out of character behaviour.

Odlomov you are spot on. The mother in the OP did not hurt her child and none of us know the build up to this and some people do not find swearing inappropriate language and use it daily.

howmuchdidyousay · 29/04/2010 20:10

Aloiseg I think you are extremely stupid.Obviously the mum was at the end of her tether.I am sure you really helped.Swearwords are a release and the baby doesn't understand what she is saying Next time she'll probably just give the baby a good shake instead.

spunkie · 02/05/2010 11:53

this is what happens with social services involvement -

www.ipetitions.com/petition/ukssleaveourkidsalone/

bridewolf · 02/05/2010 12:09

you know, for me, its the mother that needs a supportive hand, someone who does that is not coping well, its more than likely at the end of her tether.......

its very hard to cope with a non stop crying baby, and every baby is different, and having had one that was very, very high need............i would see this as a woman who need a supportive comment and a cup of tea, and a rest.

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