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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to feed my 3 month old baby at a wedding that I am a bridesmaid at...

164 replies

AmyEW · 27/04/2010 15:04

AIBU...one of my close friends is getting married. There are 5 of us that are bridesmaids (!!) 2 of us have got 3 month olds. She has always said 'no babies at the wedding' which we assumed meant 'no babies during the ceremony/at the party' but it transpires that what she means is 'no babies on site, at all, all day' We are both BF. We would obv time feeds so we could be there for all bridesmaidy duties and would slip away somewhere far away from the party etc to do the feed (both of us have asked our respective parents to babysit and had planned on them bringing the babies to us so we could quickly feed and then carry on with wedding stuff) I don't think it is unreasonable to want to feed our babies, and I can't help but feel like she has become a bit of a Bridezilla!! She has said that the wedding day has to be 'all about her' which of course I will do my very best to make sure it is, but I can't switch off the fact that I am a mummy as well as a friend. When she found out that even if we don't feed them that day, we will still have to disappear off every 3-4 hours to express milk that will be building up she was even annoyed about that...

OP posts:
fiveisanawfullybignumber · 27/04/2010 15:07

Personally, I'd be telling her that HER unreasonable demands on you, and banning your babies means SHE has made it impossible for you to be a bridesmaid.
Very on your behalf. Even if baby was FF I'd still not be parted from a 3m old for the day. She is a bridezilla of the highest order!!!

3cats3dogs · 27/04/2010 15:10

Your friend sounds lovely
YANBU to want to BF your baby. Not sure what you can do though. If you give your friend an ultimatum - "let me feed the baby or I won't go" you might end up missing out on her wedding.
Spell it out to her that whether you fed the baby, or express, it will mean time away from making the day "all about her" and there is nothing you can do about it.

rubyslippers · 27/04/2010 15:10

YANBU

I declined an invitation to a wedding when DD was 16 weeks old as no children were invited and i couldn't leave her

Bluesunday · 27/04/2010 15:10

She is being VVVVVVU - not you! There must be a side-room or somewhere private where you could slip off and feed you baby, surely? Would that seriously spoil her big day?

MiladyDeWinter · 27/04/2010 15:10

Babies that age are a doddle at weddings! My son was fine at mine. I wore Lilypadz under my dress and he was so new and little that people were more than happy to hold him. Can't say he nor my sister's baby took the shine off my day either to be honest

Much easier to take the baby than faff around expressing too.

Arcadie · 27/04/2010 15:12

YANBU. Super Bridezilla. Totally unreasonable on her part not to allow you to have your 3 month old WITH you all day. I assume she has no children or has known well anyone who has had children or she simply wouldn't make those demands. Ridiculous.

JaneS · 27/04/2010 15:12

Don't answer if it's TMI, but surely with a baby that new, if you don't feel him/her all day, you will be sore and, er, rather leaky? Is that really what she'd like?!

BunnyLebowski · 27/04/2010 15:12

OH for gods sake.

Why are you even pandering to her??

She wants you to neglect your tiny baby so that she gets her way.

She's an asshole.

Refuse to do it and if she still insists then tell her to find another eejit bridesmaid.

Mouseface · 27/04/2010 15:12

YANBU to need and want to BF your baby.

"the wedding day is all about her" Yuk. Bridezilla.

Yes, it's a very important day in her life and you're not trying to take any of that away from her but you are trying to care for your baby.

I think she's BU and I'd tell her that you NEED to have your baby there.

Like you said, it's not like you'll be wapping your baps out in the middle of the vows??!!

scurryfunge · 27/04/2010 15:13

Your friend is being competely unreasonable....she has totally lost sight of reality, especially as you would have made an effort with the feeding issue.You say she is a close friend? A close friend would not be so demanding.....I would be withdrawing from the role

JodieO · 27/04/2010 15:13

I wouldn't go if I couldn't feed my baby, it's not as if you are even going to have your baby with you all the time! If she's not a good enough friend to understand you're a mother with a young baby that needs to eat then she wouldn't be a good enough friend to waste my time going to her wedding tbh.

MiladyDeWinter · 27/04/2010 15:14

Really don't get this Bridezilla stuff, it's really obnoxious. Tell her etiquette dictates that at a wedding, the guests honour the bride and groom with their presence not the other way around. With a superior little sniff for good measure.

rastababi · 27/04/2010 15:17

What BunnyLebowski said.

Your friend is BVVVVVVVVU to even suggest such a thing!

WingedVictory · 27/04/2010 15:17

Oh, dear. It seems both sides have made a bit of a mess of this: you for not cancelling your agreement to be bridesmaids when you were pregnant and she for not doing it, either.

Having new mothers as bridesmaids is a silly thing to do, IMO. Their minds are not on "the job", and rightly so! I wouldn't dream of agreeing to be "on call" as a bridesmaid when I might have to see to my DC, the more so because of breastfeeding!

Having said that, the additional bombshell you mentioned - having new mothers as bridesmaids and not wanting their babies anywhere near the party - is just ridiculous and unkind. Even if she is doing it out of a sense of misplaced "fairness" to other people whose sprogs she banned, brides make "exceptions" all the time, and she is putting you in an impossible position which you are going to resent.

When is the wedding? It sounds like it is soon, in which case it would probably be unfair to cancel. However, you and the other bridesmaid will have to explain to her about breastfeeding, give her a rough schedule, and say you will have to dash off (AND that the baby may be seen at the party, as grannies come in to get you). It can't be unacceptable to the bride; it just can't. This is a human being who needs its food, who hasn't developed the stamina to "last", and who will get hysterical (not nice to the babysitter either, by the way).

If she fails to see reason after a discussion, if/when she has kids, she will no doubt be ashamed of herself!

thumbwitch · 27/04/2010 15:17

Utter bridezilla, I agree. I would not be bridesmaid under those circs.

I had a "no children" thing at my wedding but I told 2 of my friends who were bf'ing their babies that they could bring them along; I knew they were both the types to exit quietly if their babies started to scream and I wouldn't have made them leave their babies elsewhere.

legallyblond · 27/04/2010 15:18

Oh my... your friend is being quite extraordinarily unreasonable! Does she expect your child to actually starve?? How would you slipping off to feed your baby make the day any less about her??
I would be having second thoughts about being her bridesmaid....

emsyj · 27/04/2010 15:19

YANBU. We are invited to 2 weddings, one in August and one in October, but are expecting DD in June. So we won't be going to either of the weddings as they are strictly no children. We can't leave her - and don't want to. So we're politely declining. I understand it's harder if you're a bridesmaid, but really that's your friend's choice to make that rule. She must accept that if you impose 'no children' rules then the result will be that some people will be unable to attend.

porcamiseria · 27/04/2010 15:20

she sounds like a complete cxxt tbh. Wanting people to leave 3 month babies? WTF!!!!

you and other Mum friend need to gang up, and TBH I'd dump a friend if they were this ureasonable. You baby is your priority. not her!!!!

edwardcullensotherwoman · 27/04/2010 15:22

But the wedding day isn't "all about her", it's all about "her and her dp getting married"
I hate bridezillas
she is completely unreasonable - if you're bf you need to feed your baby, end of. I would either say, "sorry, my baby's health is more important than your selfish wedding day, I can't make it" or just arrange for your babysitter to turn up with the baby so you can bf. As you've said, you'll work feeds arround the ceremony, that's perfectly reasonable and she should be damn grateful. I'm sure some other people would just whip them out mid-ceremony (I'd love to see the look on a bridezillas face if that happened!

Pikelit · 27/04/2010 15:22

I don't get this Bridezilla vileness either. What is it about the word "wedding" that turns otherwise reasonable people into monsters?

YANBU in expecting to BF your baby on the day and at the wedding. At three months I'd be fairly reluctant to leave a baby at home anyway, BF or not. But actually, the whole wedding sounds worryingly incompatible with babies since I suspect there are various handmaidenly duties that will be demanded of you all day. Regardless of whether they are reasonable or convenient.

Five bridesmaids is a ridiculous number anyway.

fifitot · 27/04/2010 15:26

How dare you have a baby and spoil her wedding!

Bloody hell - how unreasonable is she??????? I would opt out if she can't accommodate you. You are feeding your baby!

Does it not make you inclined to whip your knockers out at the altar and latch the baby on during the vows!!!! it would me.

She is BU, not you.

Fleecy · 27/04/2010 15:27

I was bridesmaid for my closest friend when DD was 7wks old. The wedding and reception were at a hotel so the bride arranged a room where my parents could go with DD for the afternoon (we left after the meal, although I had already told the bride we would do this and she was happy with it).

Mum and Dad took the pram, went for walks round the grounds with DD, sat reading books or watching TV in the room while she slept and generally waited around very kindly - as it sounds like your parents would be willing to do. I could nip out to feed as necessary. So DD wasn't actually there for any of it and there was no disturbance, but she was very close by and I could pop up to her anytime. Could you do something like this? We didn't pay for an extra room, the bride just asked someone in her family if they would mind us using their room during the day, and presumably they didn't!

I do think your friend is being vvvv unreasonable but I guess you don't want to have a big falling out over this, especially since she will likely be very about this in the future (hopefully?!)

Original poster
AmyEW · 27/04/2010 15:27

aah thanks everyone for your supportive messages... WingedVictory: she knew we would both have little babies when she asked us to be bridesmaids; we were both already preggers! I think you're totally right that when she has a baby of her own to look after that she will feel really bad about this. If I'd have known she would be like this then I wouldn't have accepted the role but I just wouldn't have even considered that she'd be so unreasonable about the feeding thing.
I just feel really sad that it's become a big issue when it totally didn't need to be. I think I should prob have a conversation with her (along with the other bridesmaid), it's just horrible though as I don't like confrontation and she is clearly not in a very reasonable frame of mind!
And yes LittleRedDragon you are right...if I don't feed I will have enormous rock hard boobs that will be leaking all over the place (DS has just started sleeping through the night so this is what I wake up to every morning, not complaining tho )

OP posts:
pigletmania · 27/04/2010 15:28

Amy you know that you are not being U, but your bridezillabride is being VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU, rude selfish. If thats thats the case tell her very nicely that you are sorry but you cannot be bridesmaid as you are bf and have to have your baby near, and if thats not possible than cant go. If she throws a strop than tell her that you are a mummy first and foremost and your child is of utmost importance, he/she is still so young.

Fleecy · 27/04/2010 15:29

I should add - if you could do this, it wouldn't be any more time-consuming than nipping out to express so shouldn't make any difference to bridezilla extraordinaire but much nicer for you, your baby and your parents. Do you think she'd see reason for that?

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