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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to feed my 3 month old baby at a wedding that I am a bridesmaid at...

164 replies

AmyEW · 27/04/2010 15:04

AIBU...one of my close friends is getting married. There are 5 of us that are bridesmaids (!!) 2 of us have got 3 month olds. She has always said 'no babies at the wedding' which we assumed meant 'no babies during the ceremony/at the party' but it transpires that what she means is 'no babies on site, at all, all day' We are both BF. We would obv time feeds so we could be there for all bridesmaidy duties and would slip away somewhere far away from the party etc to do the feed (both of us have asked our respective parents to babysit and had planned on them bringing the babies to us so we could quickly feed and then carry on with wedding stuff) I don't think it is unreasonable to want to feed our babies, and I can't help but feel like she has become a bit of a Bridezilla!! She has said that the wedding day has to be 'all about her' which of course I will do my very best to make sure it is, but I can't switch off the fact that I am a mummy as well as a friend. When she found out that even if we don't feed them that day, we will still have to disappear off every 3-4 hours to express milk that will be building up she was even annoyed about that...

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 28/04/2010 09:20

Blimey Chandon - why would you want someone so monstrously egotistical in your life?

The 'zilla stories on MN never fail to shock me. Heather - I hate to say this but I'm not surprised. As they weren't counting your DD in their calculations, she didn't exist in their wedding-maddened heads

What happens to women like this after the wedding? I want to know

thumbwitch · 28/04/2010 09:22

Chandon for you - but sounds like your "friend" had lots of ishoos with you that were none of your fault. Silly mare.

AmyEW - have you decided what to do? The more I think about your situation, the more I think you should pull out, because whatever you do now to accommodate your baby, the bride is going to bitch about and resent it, and you are going to have a crappy time. I think I would end up just going to the ceremony and then leaving to be with my baby. It would be so different if the child were older and not bf'ing but what she is asking is lunacy.

liliputlady · 28/04/2010 09:31

Haven't had time to read all the posts so apologies if repeating what already said. YA defintiely NBU.

You have to clearly state what is necessary for you and baby - it's not up for discussion.

The bride will understand how you feel if she's ever a Mum herself. I don't think I had any idea about how Mums need to be with their babies and vice versa before having my own. Whilst pregnant we'd happily agreed to attend a wedding without baby, but once she was here, I just couldn't do it and grandparents had to come too to babysit!

everythingiseverything · 28/04/2010 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maltesers · 28/04/2010 10:31

Havnt read all of this post, but your friend is the unreasonable one...no babies at the wedding???? ridiculous... this is typical coming from a bride to be that has no kids. Children are lovely and so nice to have them there. and near impossible for BF mums....so hard.
Its like a friend of mine who said if you have no baby sitter then you cant bring your ds round when we girlies are having dinner together even if you are a single mum with no one to leave him with. She even said its not fair on the other mums. what ?? RUBBISH.

thumbwitch · 28/04/2010 10:55

maltesers I do think it's a bit unfair to say "this is typical coming from a bride to be that has no kids" - lots of brides to be who have no kids are not as bridezilla-ish as this particular one!

Mind you, I agree with your second point - I went to a hen night when DS was only 8mo and I was still bf'ing, it was a weekend away so DH and DS came too and stayed in the hotel while I went out and did the "hen" stuff - but the organiser (childless) wasn't happy about it as other mums had come without their (mostly much older) DCn. None of the other mums were bf'ing and none of them cared in the slightest that I had DS and DH along as it didn't impact on anyone other than me (I had to go back to the hotel after the meal rather than going on to a club)

OtterInaSkoda · 28/04/2010 10:56

The breastfeeding thing is neither here nor there tbh - I doubt many people would want to leave a 3mo for 12 hours regardless of how they fed. I wouldn't mention it tbh as it gives her ammunition (as in she'll say you let her down because you wouldn't give your baby a bottle, rather than because you cannot leave your baby, iyswim)

The bridezilla is being very U. She clearly has issues - maybe she's so insecure that she thinks a baby will detract attention from her on Her Day or perhaps she's desperate for a baby of her own and this has made her a bit, ahem, odd. Or maybe she's just a twat.

Bow out gracefully. Just say you're sorry but you cannot leave your baby. Hopefully the other BM will do the same. It's the your twattish bridezilla of a friend who'll be losing out.

ndavy · 28/04/2010 11:12

I would pull out too.
My sister-in-law had a 10 week old baby when she was my bridesmaid last year. We did everything we could to make sure she was happy to be a bridesmaid still and to help her get roound the feeding issues (difficult to BF in a strapless dress!). So she expressed some milk in case of emergencies (i.e. during the ceremony), then when to her hotel room to feed him during the rest of the day. In the evening she changed in to a nursing dress so she could feed in the main party area with her family and other guests around. Why, oh, why, can your friend not do this?!
She sounds like a bit of a horror.

girlywhirly · 28/04/2010 16:29

When bridezillas start dictating what guests and attendants shall or shall not be allowed to do, the best thing is to leave them to it.

Now you have seen a very unpleasant side to this friend, I wouldn't be putting myself out for her or attending the wedding in any role. All her suggestions are unrealistic regarding feeding your baby and it would be a nightmare of a day. It's your choice if you think you can make it work, but personally I feel you shouldn't have to, I'd rather risk her tantrums and lose the friendship.

kitcat1977 · 28/04/2010 17:12

girlywhirly is right. I making the day all about her, she is making her bridesmaids' days a real nightmare. She really isn't showing any regard for your friendship, let alone your baby's needs (as opposed to desires). Cow.

maltesers · 28/04/2010 18:02

I do think women who have no kids and so have never fed babies just think its like some token activity (breast Fdg) simply for the fun of it or something.......GOd, its our life saving paramount desire and need to feed your child...the bride to be just hasnt a clue. You are basically ruled out of the whole shebang (wedding) if you cant bring baby too !!!

maltesers · 28/04/2010 18:03

PLUS,, wait till she is BF ing her baby in a few years time and wants to take her baby somewhere like this ,,,,,,ho ho ,, then she will realise the situation!!!!!!!!!

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 28/04/2010 19:34

Pull out if she won't see reason on this.

mumbar · 28/04/2010 19:49

YANBU. Would she go with food for a day????

Congrats on the success of your BF and your child is your first priority and your responsibility.

This is your friends day but she is making it harder than it needs to be with her demands and I feel sorry for her if she's threatened by the fact a small child may get some attention and she may miss out.

Surely the fact she's getting married is important?

froggymama · 28/04/2010 20:13

Whatever happens you will need to express milk or feed your baby every 3 to 4 hours so firstly the bride needs to get her head around that. If it were me I would take the bride out for lunch with no one else there and explain to her about the importance of breastfeeding and why you have made that choice, then I would tell her about the bonding thing that us mums have with our baby, then about how your boobs will explode if you don't express. I would then reassure her that she won't even notice you've gone and that you understand her concerns. Your baby should be your first priority but I'm sure you can sort this without falling out with her over it, if your her bridesmaid then your friendship must be important to her and vice versa. On the flipside, when you are a bride (and maybe an insecure one) you don't want everyone cooing over a baby when they should be telling you how beautiful you are looking on your special day. Just sympathise and tell her you'd probably feel the same prior to being a mother and it's only when she becomes a mother she'll reflect on this moment. Hope that helps.

Linziwam · 29/04/2010 15:29

YANBU!

I can completely understand why some people have a no children rule at their weddings, especially when they dont have children themselves. It wouldnt be my choice, but i do get it. i would even feel for her if u werent bf and just werent prepared to leave the baby for her big day. But when you're bf there's literally nothing you can do about it! Even if you expressed enough milk to feed the baby all day, you'd still have to go off to express more on the day or your poor boobs would burst! (especially if they were stuck in a posh dress!)

In fairness though, even though she's out of order, you should try to talk her. It could just be that as she hasnt got children, she just knows nothing at all about bfing. I know i didnt. She might genuinely not realise that you cant just express enough for the day and thats that? I didnt realise how much your boobs hurt, and how it affects your milk supply if you dont feed or express regularly.

If she's not horrified and sorry after you've explained the finer points, fuck her!

MadamDeathstare · 29/04/2010 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 29/04/2010 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HalfMumHalfBiscuit · 29/04/2010 16:36

haven't read the entire thread but YANBU

bonnymiffy · 29/04/2010 16:38

We decided no children at our wedding (apart from close family), mainly so we could invite more friends, but one friend was bf-ing so of course she brought her DD (5months) and others brought their twins (10 months) as obviously they couldn't be left. I checked with the venue what provisions they could make (high chairs, heating baby food etc) so that the parents could enjoy themselves. Amy, of course the focus will be on your friend as the bride, but I think she should be more gracious. If you were pg when she asked you and the other BM, then she should have thought a bit more about how the day would work. How can you have your lovely baby at a different venue and bf? Remote control? That's crazy. So, YANBU.
But please keep us up to date with any progress you make.

Morloth · 29/04/2010 16:38

I like the look of those Stokke prams, do they lower later on so the kid can clamber in themselves?

Morloth · 29/04/2010 16:40

Wrong thread! Didn't get a nap today...

HalfMumHalfBiscuit · 29/04/2010 16:59

right have read a bit of the thread now.

I have 6mo and 3yo and have said we can't go to one wedding this year where children were not invited (DD was 3mo). The groom suggested I leave breast fed DD with my Dad who lives 2 hours from wedding location. No thanks.

And a second wedding this year will accept 6mo's attendance but not 3.5yo . At this posh do I plan to nip and feed DD in our room whenever necessary and leave if we need to. I am not a BM or anything so have not got a significant role in the wedding.

Anyhoo my point finally is that how you bf and look after your baby is not really any of the brides business. It is nothing to do with her.

You are a bridesmaid and have certain duties at the wedding but other than surely you should be able to do as you like. Can you tell her that the whole baby issue is under control and that she shouldn't worry about it and then just let her get on with controlling some other aspect of her wedding.

It sounds like you have been able to make some plans with the other mum/BM to feed your babies. On the big day the bride will be so busy with her all-about-me wedding she won't even notice if you sneak out 5/6 times to feed and be with your baby.

Best of luck with it.

confusedfirsttimemum · 29/04/2010 17:09

Jeez, she is being so unreasonable.

Don't, for goodness sake, agree to drive 5 minutes down the road every time you need to feed. That's ridiculous.

Get together, with other bridesmaid, and say you need a place you can go, out of the way, where your babies can be brought to you. Not you to them. Say that way you will be missing less and therefore disrupt 'her big day' less.

FFS. We said 'no children' at our wedding, except close family. But that was only because the only people with kids lived both near the venue and had the grandparents nearby. It was a winner all round. Knocked about five off our numbers and gave my friends a chance to call on some babysitting and party!

Pikelit · 29/04/2010 17:11

See, it's the sneaking out thing I have most problem with. I realise that wandering up the aisle, delivering the bride to her affianced and then inviting the vicar to provide a comfy chair next to the alter in order to feed a little baby might not be in the bride's order of service. But to forbid these poor babies even the chance to use the venue is, to be frank, shockingly callous.

Still, as others have said, when this 'zilla has her own babies perhaps she will look back with chagrin. Because then she may finally realise that babies are people too.