Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to feed my 3 month old baby at a wedding that I am a bridesmaid at...

164 replies

AmyEW · 27/04/2010 15:04

AIBU...one of my close friends is getting married. There are 5 of us that are bridesmaids (!!) 2 of us have got 3 month olds. She has always said 'no babies at the wedding' which we assumed meant 'no babies during the ceremony/at the party' but it transpires that what she means is 'no babies on site, at all, all day' We are both BF. We would obv time feeds so we could be there for all bridesmaidy duties and would slip away somewhere far away from the party etc to do the feed (both of us have asked our respective parents to babysit and had planned on them bringing the babies to us so we could quickly feed and then carry on with wedding stuff) I don't think it is unreasonable to want to feed our babies, and I can't help but feel like she has become a bit of a Bridezilla!! She has said that the wedding day has to be 'all about her' which of course I will do my very best to make sure it is, but I can't switch off the fact that I am a mummy as well as a friend. When she found out that even if we don't feed them that day, we will still have to disappear off every 3-4 hours to express milk that will be building up she was even annoyed about that...

OP posts:
fifitot · 27/04/2010 15:33

What is it about being a bride that makes some women lose their marbles. I was 'maid of honour' for a friend and tbh it spoilt our friendship - having to put up with her demands etc.

The crunch was when I realised I had served my purpose at the church and was included in the group photos, everyone buggered off to the reception and she hadn't made any arrangements for me to get there ! The little bridesmaids went with their parents, she and hew DH went in the only hired car! I thought I was going to have to get the bus!I remember knocking on the door of her Bentley asking 'how do I get to the hotel?' She couldn't be arsed but luckily the photographer said he'd drop me off. Was utterly pissed off.

Anyway beside the point - just wanted to share that painful episode to illustrate how mad getting married can make some people!!!!

catastrojb · 27/04/2010 15:37

Yep, I agree - VVVU bride. But could you just not mention it, and continue with your arrangement to have your parents bring the baby and then slip out and nurse? Surely the bride is not expecting you to be glued to her side all day, so there are going to be times when you are somewhere else - what she doesn't know won't hurt her, perhaps?

Otherwise I would ask her exactly what she expects the teeny-tots to do for food all day, and if she digs her heels in just explain that sorry, no can do.

Babies are fun at weddings - my 13 month old just went to one and ceilidh in the sling....

thumbwitch · 27/04/2010 15:46

If you don't feel that you should pull out of being bridesmaid now, then I think either have it out with her, the two of you; or if you don't want the confrontation beforehand, just get the babies brought along anyway, regardless of what she has said. What's she going to do on the day, throw you both out for not obeying orders? No! She'll be too busy with her other guests.

Mind you, don't post what you've done on Facebook afterwards if you do try and bring the babies secretly - that can go pearshaped quite fast, there's another thread on here about a lady who did that at a relative's wedding in America - whoops.

libelulle · 27/04/2010 15:49

That's just crazy! I was maid of honour at a friend's wedding and we actually had to delay the speeches as I had to feed 2-month-old DD at the top table! Babies that age are unpredictable - I could hardly tell her to wait! - but the bride knew that and the guests were perfectly happy to sit and drink their champagne for an extra 10 mins! I'd of course offered to back out beforehand but friend wasn't having any of it.

I think you should tell your friend that actually a wedding day is NOT all about the bridge and groom - it's about the people who have made a massive effort, in all their different ways, to come and share in the day. We thought of ours as a thank you to all our friends and family for having supported us for the previous ten+ years.

Really that anyone could be so selfish!

libelulle · 27/04/2010 15:51

bride and groom, even...

LIZS · 27/04/2010 15:52

She sounds so self centred that if you and the other bridesmaid were to just follow yoru plans without telling her she is unlikely to notice. Smile sweetly and do your own thing !

porcamiseria · 27/04/2010 15:54

I just think its so unfair that your parents and child need to linger like unwanted guests (well they are unwanted guests!) because of her selfish wishes

This would be a deal breaker for me

Downdog · 27/04/2010 15:56

OMG weddings - make me feel ill all this Bridezilla crap!

If I ever get hitched I shall elope & swerve all the madness.

YANBU - sorry but your friend sounds like a total nightmare.

FakePlasticTrees · 27/04/2010 16:01

Oh god, why are some people like this? getting married is no excuse, it's annoying this is put down to her being a 'bridezilla' it's actually her being self-centred a not a nice person, you don't magically become this when you get an engagement ring, although previously hidden horrid traits might come to the fore.

Oh, and people like this won't suddenly 'get it' when they have kids, her child will be as special/important as she is, so where as it would have been fine for you to leave your unimportant 3 month old baby, her's will be sooo more needy and of course she can't leave hers for anything...

Basically, you're going to have to upset someone, I vote you upset the bride rather than your DC.

Oh, and congratulations! Sooo at sleeping through...

EricNorthmansmistress · 27/04/2010 16:06

Bridezillas are stupid, selfish and unkind. I was BM for one of my best mates when DS was 5 weeks old. It was childfree except babies under 1 and honestly everyone loved having DS there, he got so many cuddles. He was an angel and slept in DH's arms through the ceremony. She would have been mortified if I had felt pushed out because of having a baby, and with more than one adult BM there's not much to actually do anyway! Your 'friend' is a twat.

Fleecy · 27/04/2010 16:16

porcamiseria makes a good point - one I overlooked! I was happy to have my parents and DD linger because I wanted to see my friend get married without worrying whether DD was about to start crying! And my parents were delighted to have her to themselves (mostly!) for the afternoon.

But if your parents don't want to linger - or if you want your baby there, that's completely different.

Can you say something along the lines of you appreciating that the wedding and her DH-to-be are the most important things to her at the moment but surely she can understand that your baby is the most important thing in the world to you - and while you're eager to share her special day, you simply can't ignore your and your baby's needs?

Presume she's not a total cow and this is out of character for her or you wouldn't be close friends

JaneS · 27/04/2010 16:28

Ok, either tell her you're done with being a bridesmaid, or get her in the eyes with a milk jet while she's getting ready.

(Immature, me? Noooo.)

Btw, I am getting married soon and think this woman is barking. Getting married does not entitle you to be a selfish twunt.

GeekOfTheWeek · 27/04/2010 16:29

Your 'friend' is a dick.

Original poster
AmyEW · 27/04/2010 16:30

My dad will be happy to linger, the wedding is at a manor house type place (not a hotel) it has just one small lodge place where the bride(zilla) will be staying and she has already specifically said that no babies are allowed in there for feeding purposes. I'll be staying in a b&b just down the road and I had hoped that my dad would be able to spend the day with DS (he's already excited about this!!) and then bring him up to the venue if and when needed. I genuinely don't mind not having him at the ceremony and do understand that she doesn't want kids making a noise...although personally I think it's nice to have kids at weddings...IMO that's kind of what it's all about really - family, new generations etc (rather than a big selfish day all about the bride?!!) All I want is to not be made to feel bad about having to feed him every 3-4 hours. He will be 5 months old by the wedding btw, still v little and not weaned or anything.
It is out of character for her, she is usually a lovely friend but it seems like the wedding thing is bringing out not such a nice side of her.

OP posts:
skidoodly · 27/04/2010 16:31

Bunny is right - she's an asshole. Tell her to cop the fuck on, no day is all about anyone.

In your position I would give her a choice - one bridesmaid fewer or you get to bring your baby. I wouldn't even be as accommodating as you are planning with grannies bringing babies for feeds. At 3 months my baby and I are a package. Ban one, ban both.

MiladyDeWinter · 27/04/2010 16:36

I can't imagine a wedding without children and babies. And how else are the next generation going to learn, if not invited to weddings, that draining the dregs of unattended mixed alcoholic beverages is a very bad idea?

5DollarShake · 27/04/2010 16:58

I would ask her what she suggests as a way of either getting around feeding your baby yourself, or slipping away to express.

I can't believe someone would actually ban the babies and make you express in the first place, but given that she has. So - get her to actually think about it, and suggest a solution. This might make her see how loopy unreasonable she's being.

For heaven's sake - there are 5 bridesmaids!!!!! Will she really need all 5 of you stuck to her side like limpets all day long? What exactly is her list of demands likely to be on the day?! Surely there is scope for those of you who need to, to slip away as and when.

Oh, and @ fiftot and your bridezilla!!

mjinhiding · 27/04/2010 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

juicy12 · 27/04/2010 17:09

She'll probably be mortified about this in years to come. I went to a wedding when DS was 4 months old and still BF. It was a strictly no kids affair. I expressed loads beforehand so my mum could feed him and spent a fair part of the wedding day and evening expressing in the toilets. Never again. she's being ridiculously Unreasonable.

LarkinSky · 27/04/2010 17:16

I was a bridesmaid when dd was 4 months old, and exclusively breastfed (wouldn't take a bottle, so expressing no good - although god knows my DH tried!)
Anyway, it all went wonderfully, I nipped away to feed dd every 2/3 hours. I think I missed the best man's speech, but saw all the others, was sat on the top table, in and out of the photos etc.

The bride, though was as far from Bridezilla as you can get, and an absolute sweetheart. Even when DH had to run up to the house with screaming dd 5 minutes before leaving for the church! (Cue me stripping out of silk dress to feed her naked so didn't spill breastmilk on gown).

Another breastfeeding bridesmaid of mine said she wrapped her upper torso in duct tape to hold in her massive boobs and fit into the dress that had been ordered for her. And hired a nanny for the day to look after her older son. (Her sister's wedding, and her DH was away with the military)
She said at the end of the day all her leaking milk made the duct tape just peel off. Now that's what I call a dedicated bridesmaid.

Good luck with trying to give the girl some perspective.

2sCompany · 27/04/2010 17:18

You could point out to her that the day won't all be about her if she doesn't let you and your friend feed your babies or even express... when she has two bridesmaids going around with big wet patches on the front of their dresses, it might take the attention away from her a bit

LarkinSky · 27/04/2010 17:20

Sorry, meant to say 'breastfeeding bridesmaid friend' of mine.

pjmama · 27/04/2010 17:37

If/when she has a baby of her own and she will hopefully realise just how selfish and unreasonable she was to expect this from you.

I'd be sure to remind her when the time comes and sit and wait for your apology.

BexJ78 · 27/04/2010 17:43

I am a big wedding fan and can see why people may not want to have hoardes of children at their wedding, but i have to say in this case, i totally agree with the majority in that your friend is BVU. Is her wedding going to be on that 'Four weddings' programme; she sounds like the type of person they have on there?!

clam · 27/04/2010 18:04

With friends like this, who needs enemies? "It's all about her." Nice.