to want to feed my 3 month old baby at a wedding that I am a bridesmaid at...

[AmyEW]

AIBU...one of my close friends is getting married. There are 5 of us that are bridesmaids (!!) 2 of us have got 3 month olds. She has always said 'no babies at the wedding' which we assumed meant 'no babies during the ceremony/at the party' but it transpires that what she means is 'no babies on site, at all, all day' We are both BF. We would obv time feeds so we could be there for all bridesmaidy duties and would slip away somewhere far away from the party etc to do the feed (both of us have asked our respective parents to babysit and had planned on them bringing the babies to us so we could quickly feed and then carry on with wedding stuff) I don't think it is unreasonable to want to feed our babies, and I can't help but feel like she has become a bit of a Bridezilla!! She has said that the wedding day has to be 'all about her' which of course I will do my very best to make sure it is, but I can't switch off the fact that I am a mummy as well as a friend. When she found out that even if we don't feed them that day, we will still have to disappear off every 3-4 hours to express milk that will be building up she was even annoyed about that...

Ah thats sounds like a bit of a nightmare, I'm getting married soon and the idea of no kids is a non-starter, every one of my friends and some of my cousins, plus my brother has kids, so who was going to babysit even if I had decided that i didnt want kids there, which was totally opposite, I cant wait to have them all there in their cute little outfits and make sure everyone gets some lovely photos :D

Maybe your friend is getting carried away with the whole thing, being the centre of attention? If you have had a word with her and she's not changing her mind then maybe you just have to organise for feeding without her knowing? She'll be way too busy to notice anyway I would bet

so, none of you are allowed to go to the toilet, stop to freshen up make-up, talk to other people? etc. your plans sound perfectly reasonable. i think you & the other bridesmaid should just carry on, nod & smile at the bride & on the day feed when required - she's not going to notice if you both quietly nip off for a while.
unless, of course, half way through the ceremony, you stand up & yell 'oh my god my tits are leaking, have to go' before noisily running out the church yelling into your mobile 'dad DAD I need to feed RIGHT NOW'
which you could always try doing, just for comedy effect.

ARGGHHH IT DRIVES ME MAD THAT PEOPLE ARE SO SELFISH THEY wont (calming down now)let you bring a tiny baby to awedding they sleep pretty much most of the time and need there parents!!! Every wedding I have been to has been no kids allowed with the exception of babies not yet weaned, and you barely noticed they were there.

"it has just one small lodge place where the bride(zilla) will be staying and she has already specifically said that no babies are allowed in there for feeding purposes"

?!?! This seems like it's not just about not wanting babies at her wedding - she seems to actively wants to make it difficult for you to even NOT have your baby at the wedding (as it were). She's really got issues! And she's normally lovely? Then there's something a bit odd going on there I'd say.

My goodness, this has moved on!

"she knew we would both have little babies when she asked us to be bridesmaids; we were both already preggers!"

I definitely take back any sharing of responsibility for the situation - if she asked you, knowing you were pregnant, and you still wanted to do it, it was reasonable of you to imagine she would be accommodating (not least because of having five bridesmaids!).

So, what are you going to do with all the YANBUs you have gathered here, and when are you going to do it?!

Is she jealous? I agree with libelulle that there appears to be something rather odd going on. doesn't help, but might go some way towards explaining her VU behaviour.

When did weddings stop being about a big celebration of friends and family to being all about the bride?

I think you obviously need to speak to her with the other bridesmaid too.

It seems likely miss bossyboots bridezilla is going to end up with 3 bridesmaids, unless she has a big personallity transplant.

Well the latest update is as follows: the other bridesmaid has spoken to the 'zilla. The 'compromise' that has been reached is that she will very kindly 'allow' us to leave the venue and go to a cottage 5 mins drive away where the other bridesmaid's parents will be staying and feed there. The other bridesmaid is clearly even less confrontational than than me cos she saw this as a compromise but tbh I am fuming that the compromise is that the bride grants permission for her bridesmaids to feed their little babies WTF??!!! The whole thing is utterly ridiculous because by doing that it will mean we miss lots more of the wedding or if I go for the other option and express in advance/leave formula for my dad to feed my DS then I'll still have to go to the toilet every 3-4 hours to express milk and then chuck it away and what the hell is the difference between me doing that or sitting there quietly feeding my baby with it... mjinhiding yes I think I might need to explain to her that breast milk is not like a tap you can switch on and off. If only!
She keeps saying to us 'but when you were pregnant you said it would be fine to leave your baby for the weekend'...which we never said...I always said that it was impossible to know how I'd feel about doing that but that maybe it would be an option...anyway of course as soon as I had the baby (it's my first) everything changes so much and your mind is just 100% focussed on their needs and all I want is to do the best by him as he's the best thing that has ever happened to me . Right I'm getting sentimental and angry...a potentially lethal combo, perhaps I should go and eat some chocolate!

That'd be an EX-friend.

Amy, not trying to be confrontational here but - wouldn't it be best all round to step down from being a bridesmaid? It's really just not practical.

WhereYouLeftIt: yeah I know what you mean and it has crossed my mind, but that's quite a big dramatic statement (and the sort of thing that ends a friendship...yes I know she's not being a very good friend but I'm trying to give her benefit of the doubt and assume that this is just some sort of temporary wedding-fever she's suffering from) and tbh I'm hoping she'll see sense and understand that it's perfectly possible for me to be a great bridesmaid for her but that I will need to occasionally feed my baby! Fingers crossed hey.

You are being very forbearing (whereas the other bridesmaid is being a pushover), but well done for being the bigger woman. However, do please promise that if it turns out to be a nightmare, you will leave.

I think you need to talk to her directly. Take her out for a drink or invite her round for dinner and explain that you really want to be the best bridesmaid to her that you can, that you genuinely couldn't have anticipated the practicalities of leaving a 4 month old for any length of time while you were pregnant, and talk her through how you think you can best handle the day.

This 'allowing' nonsense is just hideous, but if the friendship is important to you then it will have to be you who deals with this issue in the kindest most non-confrontational way. There is no happy outcome in confronting a bridezilla, however selfish and princessy they are being.

If she is so self centred and determined to be queen of the day, quite frankly I would say nothing else at all on the subject to her but quietly get on with being the best bridesmaids you both can, while at the same time arranging to bf , out of her sight, at whatever time suits you best and does not involve you missing anything crucial. I bet on the day she won't even notice if you are not there for a while, as she will be so busy being the centre of attention. Good luck!

whop your boob out during the vows and hand express into the nearest ecclesiastical chalice

YANBU. She's very selfish and insensitive. Good luck and don't give in to her absurd demands!

Oh man, how f ing selfish! We didn't want hoardes of children at our wedding because frankly our friends who had children were really wanting a night without kids, my neices and nephews came and that was it, everyone else who had older children was happy to not have them their apart from my dh's great aunt who wanted her gc's there - ok but I had only met her x1 and never met her children or gc and have only seen her once in 5 yrs so not exactly close family but then maybe I was bridezilla (btw was about one guest who I really didn't want to go to the wedding who creeped me out and always wears dirty trousers in a creepy creepy way who gets in your personal space iykwim - only seem him once too).

Babes in arms however were more than welcome! (In some respects having older dc is a bit of an issue for some as many venues will charge adult prices for kids if you have them at the reception )

And, let's all think about it for a minute, what does a bridesmaid actually DO? Follow the bride up the aisle, pose for the photies, and, well, that's about it, isn't it?
Surely you'll have time to get yer baps out?
And, agree with the poster that says a wedding isn't about just the bride (and groom?) but about EVERYONE who has made the effort to be there... Otherwise it's just a show and not a shared experience...

I would tell her that you don't want to ruin her wedding, it is all about her and for that reason you will be pulling out of being a bridesmaid so that her wedding can be perfect.

I second bran, pull out. It's the only way she will see you are serious and that she is being unreasonable.

Amy, if you do end up expressing don't throw the milk away! Bring a cool bag and some ice-packs and store it till you get home, otherwise what a waste!

She is still BU. A cottage 5 minutes down the road????? Is she allergic to babies or what?

Amy- she sounds absolutely dreadful!
You need to politely but firmly explain to her that you are not going to drive 5 minutes to a cottage every time your baby needs feeding. She may be the bride but she is still an adult and her 'needs' therefore come after those of a small baby who needs to be fed by his mother. If she has no interest in your baby whatsoever, she doesn't really sound like much of a friend tbh.
She is lucky that your dad is willing and able to look after the baby at all otherwise he would have to be brought with you or you would be unable to be a bridesmaid.
I really do think you should put your foot down on this- not one person on this thread has said that you are being unreasonable!

sleepyhead, well, I confess I did say early on that it was a bit unreasonable to be a bridesmaid with a baby (but balanced that by saying bride was more unreasonable). However, Bridezilla totally killed that attempt to be even-handed, and I repent. Shame she won't repent of her selfishness, or if she does, she would have to make such a climbdown that she will probably do any repenting silently... Gah.

Ask her if she would like you both to be dribbling milk over the vicar/registrar during the ceremony, and if she would like damp patches on your dresses in the photos. That should focus her mind a bit ;-)