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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to feed my 3 month old baby at a wedding that I am a bridesmaid at...

164 replies

AmyEW · 27/04/2010 15:04

AIBU...one of my close friends is getting married. There are 5 of us that are bridesmaids (!!) 2 of us have got 3 month olds. She has always said 'no babies at the wedding' which we assumed meant 'no babies during the ceremony/at the party' but it transpires that what she means is 'no babies on site, at all, all day' We are both BF. We would obv time feeds so we could be there for all bridesmaidy duties and would slip away somewhere far away from the party etc to do the feed (both of us have asked our respective parents to babysit and had planned on them bringing the babies to us so we could quickly feed and then carry on with wedding stuff) I don't think it is unreasonable to want to feed our babies, and I can't help but feel like she has become a bit of a Bridezilla!! She has said that the wedding day has to be 'all about her' which of course I will do my very best to make sure it is, but I can't switch off the fact that I am a mummy as well as a friend. When she found out that even if we don't feed them that day, we will still have to disappear off every 3-4 hours to express milk that will be building up she was even annoyed about that...

OP posts:
Bonbon333 · 29/04/2010 18:34

I believe it's the bride and grooms prerogative to decide whether to have children at the wedding or not, and if you don't like it don't go. I don't believe for one minute that everyone here who has used the term 'bridezilla' didn't impose some rule at their own wedding. How about expressing for the day? We all love our children and they are the most important things, but don't forget that you have a life as well and by not socialising and having a life well you're not doing yourself any favours in the long run.

FlipFantasia · 29/04/2010 18:45

I haven't read the thread but your friend is being totally unreasonable. One of my bridesmais was BFing a 3 month old when I got married and it didn't in any way impact on her "bridesmaidly duties" or on the wedding. If she's worried that a pair of 3 month olds will steal her thunder then shemust be well insecure!

confusedfirsttimemum · 29/04/2010 19:07

Bonbon - it's not a choice not to go. She's a bridesmaid. And her friend asked her knowing she was pregnant. It's not the same as being a guest.

Yes, we can also decide on our wedding day, but we have to be realistic in our expectations of others. You presumably havent read the thread, because the OP isn't asking to have her child at the wedding, just tucked away somewhere to go and feed. She will be 'socialising', but surely asking a BFing mother to drive down the road x times during the day is just bonkers - and she'll miss as much time if she expresses (assuming that the baby will take EBM. Mine wouldn't touch a bottle until about 9 months).

Did you have this rule at your wedding by any chance ?

confusedfirsttimemum · 29/04/2010 19:09

Actually, I see it's your first post. Are you the friend in disguise?!

boatgirlie · 29/04/2010 19:11

I didn't have children at my wedding due to the fact we were at a very child unfriendly venue and children were not part of my family circle back then. However if one of my bridesmaids had a young baby and was BFing then I would have certainly made an exception. Your friend is being totally unreasonable and should be ashamed of herself. Does she really think you're going to be 100% focused on her when your baps are growing to the size of melons and being away from your baby for the 1st time??!! Ridiculous!

piscesmoon · 29/04/2010 19:27

YANBU. Just tell her that the baby has to be fed and she has a simple choice-the baby comes or you are not a bridesmaid. Explain that you won't let it spoil the ceremony, photos etc.

skidoodly · 29/04/2010 19:33

"when you are a bride (and maybe an insecure one) you don't want everyone cooing over a baby when they should be telling you how beautiful you are looking on your special day."

This sentence only becomes true if you replace the word "bride" with the word "asshole".

Bonbon

Not only did I have no rules at my wedding (the very thought of such a thing!) but I have never been to a wedding that had rules I had to obey.

There is something deeply wrong with a woman who wants her bridesmaid to keep her baby offsite and drive to him every time he needs a feed. That is completely deranged.

Bonbon333 · 29/04/2010 19:47

Yes i had this rule at my own wedding a few years ago, not only that but all of my married friends had the same rule, i didn't find it an issue when i was BF, luckily i was able to express and so DD spent the day with DH. However if DD hadn't taken to the bottle so well then i wouldn't have gone to the wedding, it was never a major issue and it was my friends day and i respected her wishes as she respected mine.

Bonbon333 · 29/04/2010 20:08

But that was YOUR wedding, and what you decide to do is entirely up to you, if the bride wants certain wishes to be respected and in turn alienates friends, well then so be it, isn't it her loss? Despite having a DD who is the most important person in my life, i didn't feel the need to take her to my friends wedding even if that had been ok to do so. I expressed in advanced, DD stayed with DH in an environment where she was happy and had everything she needed for the time i was at the wedding

MadamDeathstare · 29/04/2010 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThisIsSpatchcocked · 29/04/2010 21:30

Also bonbon, not everyone CAN express. My sister for example is a regular COW when it comes to BF'ing. She has stupid amounts of milk and squirts like a squirty thing BUT I have sat and watched her try and express for over an hour..nothing doing. Some boobs need the unique feel of the babys mouth to let down. Also, her DD WOULD NOT take a bottle. She had to return to work and so tried everything. She left the house for the day and her DD just simply refused to eat. AT ALL.

TheCrackFox · 29/04/2010 21:41

The bride sounds like an asshole and having no children is not a good enough excuse.

My theory is the bigger the bridezilla the shorter the marriage.

EmilyStrange · 29/04/2010 21:52

BonBon you are very lucky that you could express and that your baby would accept a bottle. I could for one baby but not another baby. As far as I have seen a huge number of women have trouble expressing enough milk and many babies will not accept a bottle. This is not about making googoo with baby and ignoring the world, it is a practical and real obstacle.

However, much as many of you would like to see this bridezilla eat her words in later life when she has her baby it may be she never will because unless you bf full time you cannot understand the demands. She may always think her friend was unreasonable.

Has the op called the venue to ask if there is a private room available onsite for her and the other bridesmaid to use? As the op I would maybe take matters into my own hands and find out what is available to her and her dad and then hopefully with the other bridesmaid support offer this as a suggestion (fait accompli) and say otherwise it is impossible.

However, I really like what someone else said of taking her through the day of what she does so the friend is under no illusion as to what breast feeding entails. She probably really doesn't know. A big sit down talk with her may solve this problem once and for all.

14hourstillbedtime · 29/04/2010 22:11

I was bridesmaid at a wedding when DS was 3 months old - lovely, lovely bride (and very close friend) who was very accommodating - we had DS with us the whole day, with DH taking him in the sling over his wedding suit(only way to calm down insane, colicky baby!) and I b/f on demand (discretely) when I needed to. My good friend said nary a word about me needing to go feed the baby (good thing, too, as DS never even considered taking a bottle!) and everyone who saw DH calming DS in the sling just said 'ah, how lovely' and that was that...

So, I think your friend is being a (insert your choice of expletive here).

chiccadee · 29/04/2010 22:17

AmyEW - hope you manage to get this sorted. Keep us posted!

piscesmoon · 29/04/2010 22:21

I could never manage to express and my DSs would never take a bottle, so leaving them at home with anyone was an impossibility.Ask the bride what they are supposed to do if you can't express and they won't have a bottle.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 29/04/2010 22:44

How can people be so inflexible? I absolutely snort with derision when I hear that phrase "It's MY day"- in that case, go off by yourself, just you and your DH to be and get married with witnesses dragged off the street. If, on the other hand, you want to share your happiness with your friends and family, you HAVE to consider other people's needs.

The bride is being COMPLETELY unreasonable! At my wedding, most of it had to be planned around my mum, who was very ill. We had to organise oxygen at the venue, a room she could go to if it all got too much, disabled access, a car she could get in and out of, a hairdresser and make-up person who would be patient and gentle with her, an outfit she would feel great and comfortable in etc etc...so arranging a quiet room for bridesmaids to feed babies should be a doddle! She needs to wake up to the reality that if she wants happy relaxed bridesmaids and a wedding day that everyone will remember as being a great day, she must be more flexible!!

thisisyesterday · 29/04/2010 22:47

she sounds like a complete idiot OP

I would definitely be telling htat if you cannot look after your tiny baby then there is no way you can be bridesmaid

i really feel for you. I am being a bridesmaid in August, and my friend has made arrangements for ds3 to stay with me overnight before the wedding, and for my dress to be easily norks-out-able for feeding him. he'll be 14 months then too! so not even a tiny baby lol

froggymama · 30/04/2010 07:34

froggymama - when you are a bride (and maybe an insecure one) you don't want everyone cooing over a baby when they should be telling you how beautiful you are looking on your special day."

skidoodly - This sentence only becomes true if you replace the word "bride" with the word "asshole".

froggymama - skidoodly, you need to look at the bigger picture. The wedding is about the bride, for some people this might be the only time in there life that something has been about them. I had a famous father and I spent my whole life being 'my fathers daughter', I then married somebody very important in the business world and I was always 'his girlfriend' and now i'm 'his wife' the only time it's been about me has been on my wedding day, so I can understand why you wouldn't want attention taken from you. Insecure -sure, asshole - no.

Saying that I still think this bride should allow the baby onsite for BF.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 30/04/2010 07:42

"the only time it's been about me has been on my wedding day"

I mean this as kindly as I can make it, froggymama, but this sentence speaks to some pretty deep issues, if as an adult woman you still feel as if you've only ever had one day 'about you'. And if that day could be threatened by the need of a baby to eat.

Do you not have a work identity of your own? Or children that you bring up? A social circle? Skills that make you stand out in some way?

Elasticwoman · 30/04/2010 20:36

You are being unreasonable to expect to be a bf mother and a bridesmaid at the same time.

chiccadee · 30/04/2010 21:18

Why, Elasticwoman? What's wrong with doing both?

Btw, I really struggle with the 'it's all about me' thing. At our wedding, most of the planning and organisation went into ensuring that all our guests would be comfortable and happy - installing rails for elderly guests, covering ponds and water features for young guests, making sure all special diets were catered for. I remember flinging on my own make up and dress at the last minute but, you know what, it was the happiest day of my life because everyone around me was happy.

SalFresco · 30/04/2010 21:20

I love the way some brides fret about not being the centre of attention - as if their guests might have booked a hotel, bought new clothes, ordered a present, travelled 100 miles, be sitting in a church, look up and see a woman in 45 yards of silk and lace with a net curtain on her head and be paying attention only to the small baby 3 rows back!!(And, IME, no-one bats an eyelid if you BF during church services

I had no children when I married, children were welcome at my wedding, and I didn't impose any rules on my guests. Your guests are honouring you with their attendance - you are not doing them some massive favour by deigning to invite them to "your" special day!

Olifin · 30/04/2010 21:28

I bloody HATE this 'all about me' shite that some brides talk about.

It is NOT all about the bride; it's about the bride AND groom AND their families AND friends.

If a woman wants to be a princess for a day (ick) she can write to Jim'll Fix It.

YANBU!

CappuccinoCarrie · 30/04/2010 21:36

I'm assuming that the bride doesn't have children? People who've never kids simply don't understand. We had a no kids wedding, one of dh's friends had a five month old and politely asked if they could bring him, we said of course and were absolutely mortified because we hadn't realised the implications of our decision.

Another wedding I was told I couldn't take 6mo dd to and it broke my heart, but I respected the bride's decision. Fortunately dd was ff and I have a wonderful best friend who could babysit. Someone took a 3mo to the same wedding, and after the event the bride apologised profusely to me that after I'd honoured her wishes, someone else hadn't. I explained as graciously as I could that the 3mo was breastfed, the bride said 'there's things you can do about that'. Again I tried to explain that even if the mum was happy to leave the baby, and even if the baby would take a bottle, the woman would have had to express or her boobs would have exploded. The bride isn't a malicious person, she simply didn't get it.

I think you need to explain the difficult situation it puts you in, and perhaps suggest the most accommodating compromise you can, but be prepared to walk away.