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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to feed my 3 month old baby at a wedding that I am a bridesmaid at...

164 replies

AmyEW · 27/04/2010 15:04

AIBU...one of my close friends is getting married. There are 5 of us that are bridesmaids (!!) 2 of us have got 3 month olds. She has always said 'no babies at the wedding' which we assumed meant 'no babies during the ceremony/at the party' but it transpires that what she means is 'no babies on site, at all, all day' We are both BF. We would obv time feeds so we could be there for all bridesmaidy duties and would slip away somewhere far away from the party etc to do the feed (both of us have asked our respective parents to babysit and had planned on them bringing the babies to us so we could quickly feed and then carry on with wedding stuff) I don't think it is unreasonable to want to feed our babies, and I can't help but feel like she has become a bit of a Bridezilla!! She has said that the wedding day has to be 'all about her' which of course I will do my very best to make sure it is, but I can't switch off the fact that I am a mummy as well as a friend. When she found out that even if we don't feed them that day, we will still have to disappear off every 3-4 hours to express milk that will be building up she was even annoyed about that...

OP posts:
pregnantpeppa · 27/04/2010 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Danthe4th · 27/04/2010 22:50

She should offer to supply a nanny, which is what I spend my saturdays doing. Keeping children quiet and entertained at weddings.

EricNorthmansmistress · 27/04/2010 22:53

So whenever the babies start looking hungry, you need to run out to car and drive 5 minutes away to feed them, while babies get more and more upset? And you can't have a drink because you have to drive to feed your baby? Is she having a laugh?

She's being totally, totally bonkersly unreasonable and selfish. 'But you saaaaid' is bullshit, even if you had said it! You have small babies FFS, they need feeding! Is she actually mad?

I agree that people who don't allow small babies are bonkers too. I would not go to a baby free wedding with a baby under 6 months or so. I wouldn't leave DS at that age for more than a few hours.

MrsKitty · 27/04/2010 22:53

I'd pull out of the wedding in your situation TBH.

I know you've said that you don't want to end the friendship etc, but it's been my experience that some friendships do change for the worse once you've had children and it turns out that some friends aren't as great as you thought they were .

Your 'friend' seems to have an utterly bizarre attitude towards babies, and if a 'friend' wanted me to treat my baby like that (i.e. cut off their only source of food supply!) I'd ditch her pretty sharpish if she couldn't see reason.

Driving 5 mins to a cottage off site sounds completely impractical, and hardly a compromise. Imagine it - 5 mins to get there, say 15-20 mins feed, 5 mins to get back, add in time messing about getting to the car/settling baby because you're leaving again etc and you're looking at at least 30 mins in every 3-4hours off site (and possibly more regularly if baby happens to be teething/having a growth spurt/a bit under the weather). I'd be fed up after the first visit back. Are you "allowed" to have the baby with you in the morning whilst you're all having hair/makeup and so on done? Because that'd be another few hours you need to consider.

on your behalf.

LadyBiscuit · 27/04/2010 22:58

I'd pull out too. She's making it massively stressful and unpleasant for you and your child. How very selfish. Whatever happened to people thinking that a wedding should be a nice experience for the guests for heaven's sake??

chiccadee · 27/04/2010 23:09

Sorry to come in late but this sounds like a really miserable day for your baby.

I'm making an assumption here but, with my DS, when he was hungry, he wanted feeding NOW, not in 5 or 10 minutes (or however long it takes for you to gather your bits, run to the car, drive to the cottage etc etc). Have you thought what will happen if you get a call during the speeches to say baby is hungry - are you just going to ignore it or face the bride's wrath by walking out?

I have to say that, if I was in your shoes, baby would come first every time and I would (politely) stand down. A friend who treats your child like that isn't worth having.

jellybeans · 27/04/2010 23:20

YANBU For my wedding, yes it was about me and DH but also the guests having a good time and aiming to suit them to, luckily we wanted kids there too...I would refuse to do it, she is no friend if she is that selfish/bridezilla.

Iggi999 · 27/04/2010 23:34

Wow - have never read an AIBU were everyone agreed before.
I don't think pleasing your friend/keeping the friendship on the off-chance she'll not be such a bitch in the future is worth the suffering that your baby will endure from her ridiculous arrangements.
I'd be loyal to the baby not the "friend".

cityangel · 27/04/2010 23:34

Explain that you're not expecting the baby to be allowed to attend, but as a result your time at the wedding will be under pressure at feeding time.

Your babies will be hungry at different times and could even be unsettled/ ill on the day. You will end up missing large chunks of the fun and won't be able to carry out the bridesmaid duties as needed and would find it hard to enjoy the day so I'd decline the bridesmaid responsibilities but still attend.

I didn't have any bridesmaids and think she should be able to manage well with 3.

thumbwitch · 27/04/2010 23:37

I would pull out anyway, actually. One of my friends who was due to go to a wedding with her bf baby (she wasn't part of the wedding party tho) couldn't go on the day because her baby was running a fever. What if that happens with yours? You're not going to want to leave him at all, are you?

But if you think you can still manage it, I would only do the ceremony then go to this little house and stay there for the day, looking after the most important person in my life. You wouldn't be on site but hey! that's what the bride wanted.

Pannacotta · 27/04/2010 23:39

I would also stand down, she may have to consider where you are coming from if you tell her you cant do it on her terms.

Neither of my DSs would wait 10-20 mins for a feed, even at 5 months, which is probably how long it'd take you to get to your DS after a call.

Too stressful all round, and your "friend" is being very immature/selfish...

blinder · 28/04/2010 00:08

Chicadee is quite right. You can time feeds roughly sometimes but if you are demand feeding, the chances of those feeds happening between speeches and courses are very slim. From the time of your baby getting grumpy, grizzling, grandad tryng to soothe, phoning you, you finding an opportune moment to slip away and a car journey could be 30 minutes! I wouldn't do it.

I like someone's idea of saying 'I don't want to spoil your day so I'm standing down.'

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/04/2010 00:25

I'd stand down too. It doesn't have to be a 'well screw YOU' gesture, it just has to get it across to this woman that her 'vision' and your status as a new mother are incompatible.

You CANNOT expect a crying, hungry baby to wait for you to drive down to another venue every time it needs feeding. What if he's going through a growth spurt and needs feeding every 2 hours? What if he's not feeling well? What if he gets hungry right in the middle of the speeches, is the bride going to be happy with you answering your mobile in the middle of a speech, then running out of the venue?

This is totally unfair on your baby, and if your friend can't make compromises to accommodate that then you'll all end up having a miserable day. She'll forever resent you for 'stealing all the attention' when you rush out for the fourth time, this time during the posed photography session. You'll forever remember the day as that wedding where your baby was distraught with hunger by the time you drove down to another venue to feed him.

Don't do it.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 28/04/2010 00:31

I assume the 'zilla (love that abbreviation btw) is not going to be having a drink or meal at the reception? And does not, in fact, eat or drink. Or she would be sympathetic to your tiny baby who needs to feed.

Of course you could carry on, indulging these monstorous tendencies and leak all over your dress for the bride to enjoy in photos for years to come.

However, I propose you tell her to post on MN to see if she's BU...

Henny1995 · 28/04/2010 02:36

This is non negotiable. You're a mum first and foremost and if she's that precious I think I'd suggest she found another bridesmaid. Seriously, don't let her mess you and your baby about! x

trellism · 28/04/2010 04:03

I had a similar situation as a wedding guest. I was invited to a wedding in New York and had already booked the flights and hotels when I was told that children were not invited. I was initially told to leave my six month old baby with a nanny, an hour's drive from the wedding venue. I said that I was not going to be leaving my baby with a complete stranger in that way, no matter how well recommended that stranger might be.

The bride refused to contemplate the presence of even a breastfed baby at her wedding and eventually we organised a babysitter at the venue in an anteroom which would have worked fine had the baby not been jetlagged and astoundingly crabby.

My opinion is that a young baby and its mother (however that baby is fed) are a dyad: a co-dependent unit which should not be separated without a good reason.

Your bride, like mine, sounds like she has no idea whatsoever about babies. I explained that either the baby comes, or I don't: it's not an ultimatum, it's just how it is.

SirBoobAlot · 28/04/2010 04:13

Another one for backing out here. Am trying to decide if it would be more for practicalities sake or a "Well if you're going to be like that..." reaction. I understand (but also hate, FWIW) the "Its all about me" but for goodness sakes.

Igglybuff · 28/04/2010 07:13

Just read the whole thread.

I have a 7 month DS and there's no way I'd act as bridesmaid if I were you. As they get older, babies can get more distracted so take ages to feed. Also baby might not cue for hunger til it's starving as (mine does) he's so distracted by the excitement!

Your friend is in cloud cuckoo land. My friends without babies don't quite get what it's like to have a baby (wanting to come over at 6pm to see baby, being miffed when you can't come out of an evening as your baby doesn't settle without his boobie mum etc). Stepping down is the only way she'll see sense.

As for the whole "it's my day, it's all about me" crap - this is not normal!

heather1980 · 28/04/2010 08:46

We were invited to a wedding last year when ds was 6 months and still bf. We also had 2.5yr old dd. We were told it was child free, and as the wedding involved a weekend stay in a hotel we declined the invite.
The groom rang my dh and said that he really wanted us there so we could bring the children, but what they neglected to tell us was that they wouldn't provide any food for dd. i wouldn't have minded if they had said as i would have stopped at McDonalds or something on the way to the reception, so all the meals are served and nothing for dd who was starving! i was a bit we didn't say anything.
And the wedding was rubbish, it had no soul without kids. we had loads at our wedding and it was great, it made the day.

i would sit down and have a frank conversation with her, and if you don't come to an agreement i would pull out.

NorkyButNice · 28/04/2010 08:59

I was due to be bridesmaid for my sister mid-August but am now due with DC2 a month before.

I gracefully pulled out eve though my sister was fine wth baby being there - the logistics of needing to feed at the drop of a hat, and even finding a dress to fit that would still allow me to feed was overwhelming.

Pull out!

MrsKitty · 28/04/2010 09:09

Heather1980 - they didn't provide food for your 2.5yr old or tell you that that would be the case . What exactly did they think would happen?

AmyEW - let us know how it goes/what you decide to do.

Chandon · 28/04/2010 09:12

I was in this situation, with baby who would then be 2 months old.

I would (have been) the only Bridesmaid at her child and baby free wedding day. When she asked me, I tried to carefully tell her that I was not sure how I was going to work it out with the baby as I was planning to breastfeed.

She did not budge. I said that as wedding was abroad, I wasn´t sure where to leave my baby for the day. She said to leave him with my DH in a hotel nearby. I was really worried how to organise all this (DH not keen either on traveling somewhere just to sit in hotel room with baby)

She then dropped me for "lack of enthusiasm"

Then, as I tried to patch things up, she unleashed her fury about me trying to upstage her always and always (was genuinly surprised at this) by getting married before she did, and then, by gettig pregnant JUST before her wedding and trying to steal attention away from her on her special day by parading baby around (?????!!!!!)

I wish AIBU existed in thos days, as I really tried to placate her, but she got really angry in the end...

so, YANBU. But it could cost you your friendship.

StealthPolarBear · 28/04/2010 09:13

yes, I agree, pull out, it;s impractical to demand feed in this way, you will be stressed, engorged, upset, feeling pulled in two for someone who doesn't care about you and your child enough to make life a little easier.
Also agree with whoever said young babies, however fed, belong with primary carer.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 28/04/2010 09:17

I'd pull out. I know that deep down I'd be feeling really cross about the Bride's attitude and I wouldn't enjoy the day at all. Go for the line about not wanting to ruin her big day, she's sufficiently self centred that will appeal to her sense of importance.

StealthPolarBear · 28/04/2010 09:17

oh and quite at the number of people saying "it's not like you'll be feeding your baby during the ceremony" - would that be so bad?

I went to a wedding when DS was 10 days old, the bride and groom were very understanding, we went to the ceremony but not the reception, i fed in the church and we were constantly off nappy changing (it took both of us in those days ). As for upstaging the bride, it goes without saying that my tiny DS was the most beautiful thing there but I didn't see the bride getting upset.