Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only want a 3rd child if its a dd and to want to go abroad to do gender selection IVF to guarantee this

191 replies

highchair · 21/04/2010 17:16

controversial I know, but I'm ready to hear all thoughts on this subject...

I worry that growing old without the chance of ever raising a dd make me a bitter old MIL? will I always live with regret to not try at least uhm 3 times?!

Mothers of teenage/grown boys only, your experience much appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 22/04/2010 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 22/04/2010 08:41

I feel outnumbered, but it has had its good side-e.g. they have all gone off with DH to change at the swimming pool and I get left in peace!
It is lovely now they are at the girlfriend stage and I suddenly get female company.

(Many people on here hate their MIL, it doesn't seem to have occured to them that their DD could take after the MIL and she could have a cosy relationship with her grandmother and not agree with mother at all!!)

Clarissimo · 22/04/2010 08:45

'dd1 is adored- the first grandson (3rd grandchild)is like the living incarnation of the lord baby jesus... i feel a bit sorry for my eldest neice to be honest and the rest of the grandkids actually. '

I can imagione that

I am one of 3 girls but Mum lost 4 boys to stillbirth and 1 to rubella before I arrived; everyone told me dc1 had to be a boy (not my parents- thy knew the reality of ptregnancy- but ayunts etc)

hd he been the only boy I susoect we'd have extended family nightmmare LOl

as it we have an all boy generation (7 inccluding sisters) ands although I know Mum bought pink leggings at one stage JIC, tbh I rather love it as it is.

LadyBiscuit · 22/04/2010 11:55

Family balancing

Isn't that just a nice way of saying eugenics?

pagwatch · 22/04/2010 11:59

Lionsarescary

re your question above about whether 3/4/5th boy/girl has ever felt unwanted..

I was the 7th child in my family.
My distinct impression was that my mother would have much preferred a puppy by then

fernie3 · 22/04/2010 12:08

you are not being unreasonable to want a girl. I have two (soon to be three) girls and one boy. So far (and they are only very young) there has been very little difference obviously as they get older this may change.I have to say if I had 4 girls I wouldnt be dissapointed as such but if someone said I could chose to have a boy maybe I would.

However IVF and going abroad I woudl question the safety of and its not as simple as saying "I want a girl" and suddenly being pregnant
with one so perhaps just trying again and hoping for the best - and loving and accepting a boy if he turns up would be better.

easyoptionwoman · 22/04/2010 12:41

YABU. Seriously worried about what your priorities in life are. Children are not commodities that you can pick up like food at a supermarket according to your whim.

Chrysanthemum5 · 22/04/2010 12:43

I am number 4 out of 5 girls, as it was made very obvious throughout my life that we were 'failed' attempts to have a boy. My father refused to even consider girls names as he insisted I was definitely going to be a boy. In the end my mum picked my name quickly to avoid me being called the chosen boy's name with an 'a' on the end! It doens't bother me now as I have no contact with my dad, but when I was a child feeling second-best at such a fundamental level did affect my confidence.

I think YABU in wanting a girl, you are BU in being willing to have IVF in order to 'ensure' it. And you seriously need to think about your children first, if you feel this way you should get counselling before your need becomes their issue.

itsmeitsmeolord · 22/04/2010 12:52

YANBU to want a girl, but YABU to want gender selection. In my opinion it's an awful process, I really don't agree with the idea of creating life and then discarding that life because it's not the right gender.

runnybottom · 22/04/2010 13:05

I don't see why people assume that because you want a girl after having boys its automatically an insult to the boys?

I have 3 boys. I would very much have liked DS3 to be a girl, not because I don't completely adore my boys, but because I would have liked to experience being a mother to both boys and girls, and would have liked the added dynamic to our family. However he was a wondrous beautiful boy and could not love him more and would not change him for anything. I still have the odd pang for a girl but my baby days are over and c'est la vie etc. Wanting a girl in addition to your boys is not an insult to your boys.
I would never go to such lengths but can understand a little of the motivation. Embryos are discarded all the time in IVF, I have no issue with that and don't really see a difference here. Sorting/ICSI techniques don't even involve any destruction anyway.

itsmeitsmeolord · 22/04/2010 13:10

Runnybottom - how is it done then? (genuinely asking, not being arsey)

tootyflooty · 22/04/2010 13:11

children are a blessing. I have 2 ds and 1 dd, so it's difficult for me to really appreciate your desire for a dd, but my older son is from my 1st marriage and when I was pregnant with ds2 (before I found out it was twins) I really wanted another boy so my dh would have a son of his own and my ds1,having a largish age gap would at least have same sex in common with his new sibling. I have several friends with 2ds that feel relieved to not have girls.
Do what you feel you have to, but be careful your boys don't feel put out by such efforts to produce a girl.
I still think I will be a fab mil to all my dcs partners .

Downdog · 22/04/2010 14:50

YABU - and really distasteful.

What if you had a daughter and she was gay? Or hated you? or wanted to be an eco-activist & live in a tree or a truck driver? Would that make you bitter too?

You can't control everything in life for good reason you know.

It's up to you if you choose to be bitter.

Paulinespens · 22/04/2010 15:58

I think the OP must be on a wind-up. No one can really be that shallow and pathetic, can they
I have 2 DD's. It might have been "different" to parent a boy but really, who gives a toss?
I am also curious to hear back from the OP as to what she imagines/expects it will be like to have a daughter.

LionsAreScary · 22/04/2010 16:23

LOL Pagwatch... thanks for answering my question!

LionsAreScary · 22/04/2010 16:32

Chrysanthemum5, sorry to hear of the way you were made to feel by your Dad. But thanks for posting... it makes me more aware of how children might feel.
DH and I love our boys so much I'd hate them to feel 'second best'. But after thinking about this thread last night, I don't think they will feel that way, even if we do have a daughter in the end, because we don't have that attitude ourselves.

I too would be interested to hear back from the OP!
Although this has been an interesting thread anyway, without his/her return....

twinterror · 22/04/2010 17:08

YABU

I would also caution (having had 4 ivf cycles myself) that ivf is a long process, expensive, takes its toll on you emotionally and physically and is not an easy option. It is not something that I would enter into flippantly. What will you do with any embryos that are male - have you considered that?

MilaMae · 22/04/2010 17:09

There are 2 types of gender selection 1 that isn't 100% accurate just 70 odd I think when the sperm is selected.

PGD is 100% and I'm guessing what most people are talking about.Embryos are made,a biopsy is done on each(cells taken) only the correct gender are put back the rest are disgarded.

gagamama · 22/04/2010 17:16

I find it really sad that anyone would want to purposefully genetically influence the people their DCs might become for any reason other than to greatly benefit the child. You might have a preference on gender because you have certain ideas about what mothering a girl would be like, but similarly you might have preferences on hair colour or eye colour or height or intelligence, and that's just eugenics. Children aren't things you collect, you don't need one of every kind to have a complete set. Children are a lucky dip, a lottery, you don't just choose the one you want most and discard the rest.

During my first pregnancy I thought I wanted a girl, but that first evening, bathing a screaming, red-faced, wrinkly, wriggly little baby, I just realised that it made absolutely no difference if the little bundle was a boy. He had no idea what he was, and being a girl wouldn't make him scream any less. YABU.

MilaMae · 22/04/2010 17:19

Also with IVF they select the best 2 to implant then freeze the rest which many parents use to try for a 2nd or 3rd child.

The problem is if a couple produces more than they need, I wouldn't have thought this was that widespread as all of us doing it have fertility problems and most embryos produced would be greatly cherished but it would be interesting to know actual figures.

Personally I'd like to see an embryo adoption scheme involving zero money and counselling.

itsmeitsmeolord · 22/04/2010 17:32

thank you milamae.

Agree with the embryo adoption scheme.

expatinscotland · 22/04/2010 17:39

It's your life, your money and your time.

If you have the means to go abroad and do this, then I don't think YABU to do so.

It's hardly a crime.

I have two daughters and one son. Would have welcomed a child of either gender each time, but I can see where someone might have a preference.

hupa · 22/04/2010 17:50

There was an article in the Guardian here a couple of weeks ago looking at couples who had done just this and their reasons for doing so.

Clarissimo · 22/04/2010 17:50

Embryo adoption a v v good idea

ledkr · 22/04/2010 18:15

I had 3 boys now 25 23 and 19 and a girl now 8. I left big age gap partly through cancer and partly cos i figured i would be so delighted with a baby that the sex wouldnt matter. I too felt something missing from my life without a dd and would have done anything to have one had i had the means. I also spent years protesting i did not want a dd and had always wanted ds its a very un poular thing to admit and maybe not everyone feels that strongly about it. My ds's were loads of fun and had a lovely life and i NEVER regretted them or ever will but i always felt something was missing but never told a sole. When pregnant with dd i convinced myself and everyone else it was a boy but did not find out via scan.
It was the 4th best day of my life when she was born and everything i felt was missing just fell into place. She has been everything i thought and more and my life and her brothers are enriched for having her.
So if you feel its that important and you can afford it and most importantly, you will be able to cope if you have another brilliant ds then go for it. There are far worse things happening in life.
Good Luck