Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only want a 3rd child if its a dd and to want to go abroad to do gender selection IVF to guarantee this

191 replies

highchair · 21/04/2010 17:16

controversial I know, but I'm ready to hear all thoughts on this subject...

I worry that growing old without the chance of ever raising a dd make me a bitter old MIL? will I always live with regret to not try at least uhm 3 times?!

Mothers of teenage/grown boys only, your experience much appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 21/04/2010 17:55

PacificDogwood You are right my MIL has 4 boys and she is the BEST, she did drive me crazy with all the pink frills she bought dd1, who was also her first grandchild

Pikelit · 21/04/2010 17:59

YABU. You simply cannot load a baby with your fluffy expectations about mother/daughter relationships. By all means have a third child but do not start tinkering with nature in order to give birth to an accessory. Get a handbag, or some other genuine accessory.

(I speak as mother of 2 (grown-up) sons and wicked stepmother to 1 grown up stepdaughter)

mathanxiety · 21/04/2010 18:00

But MorrisZapp, it's more about what you bring to the child, not what the child can potentially give to you in terms of a relationship once you're grown up enough to have a child.

A child wants a mother-relationship, whether it's a boy or a girl.

MorrisZapp · 21/04/2010 18:00

Brilliant post cuppycakes.

MorrisZapp · 21/04/2010 18:04

But that's not fair math. This forum is packed to the rafters with people who desperately want a child, or another child, becuase they just want one. For them.

The desire to have kids at all is primarily selfish, isn't it? We have them becuase we want them.

So it is unfair to say that I don't have the right to expectations of my relationship with my child - everybody else has kids to enjoy the relationship with them so why can't I.

I'll be delighted with a boy btw, I don't think I'm a candidate for gender disappointment or anything like that. I just have an 'advance preference'.

If people didn't have 'fluffy expectations' of what a child would bring to them, then why are they so keen to have them.

scurryfunge · 21/04/2010 18:06

To practice IVF gender selection surely promotes discrimination that may be faced in some cultures.Why encourage a specifc gender to survive due to taste or preference? Why would a parent's happiness be dependant on gender? Why be seen to be "fortunate" to have one of each? I may be naive but I don't understand sorry.

rosiejoy · 21/04/2010 18:06

You would BU if you went hrough with it I think, But YANBU to want it.

I'm really not being flippant when I say have you thought about adoption? There are many children out there already who need family, and you would obviously have a lot of love to give to a daughter.

MarshaBrady · 21/04/2010 18:09

I don't think wanting to have a daughter is wanting to have an accessory (anymore than wanting a child is).

It's thinking that the relationship between your dd may be a different experience to that with your sons.

It may also have It may have something to do with one's own experience of childhood. A good relationship with your own mother perhaps?

I doubt it is because the op wants pink/flowery clothing or that it matters a jot if the dd is a tomboy.

Gender selection, however would be a big thing to do.

(btw I wouldn't worry about the mil thing.)

LighteningThief · 21/04/2010 18:09

Hmm, not unreasonable to have a preference, perhaps a teeny bit unreasonable to go to all that trouble to avoid having another boy...
Easy for me to say as after DS2 I got DD1. I did have a slight preference for a girl, only in a 'I wonder what that would be like' way. I think you need to SERIOUSLY consider what you would do if your baby was born a boy, as unless you actually screen all the embryos the IVF method isn't foolproof...

MorrisZapp · 21/04/2010 18:13

Exactly Marsha. Wanting specifically a boy or a girl is no more wanting an accessory than wanting a child is.

It's really unfortunate that the lady from the recent tv show who so desperately wanted a girl after 4 boys was a) posh b) rich c) obsessed with pink and shopping.

Most women who want a girl are absolutely none of the above.

aconfusedmum · 21/04/2010 18:13

YES YABVU

Trafficcone · 21/04/2010 18:15

What if she's a lesbian and never has kids so you'll have to be a good Mil and Granny to your sons and their wives. What if she's a tomboy.What if she is trans gender and lives as a boy/man for most of her life? What if she doesn't get on with you. What if God forbid she passes away before teenage/adulthood and you never get this Mother daughter fantasy you're craving.

I get on better with my boys than I do my DD. She'd rather spend time with her Dad as they have shared interests. She's crap at shopping whereas Ds1 is a fine shopping companion.

Now I have older kids of both sexes I can safely say I don't believe there IS a mother/daughter or mother/son relationship. It's all down to the individual child and parent not anyones gender or genetalia.

princessparty · 21/04/2010 18:15

I don't think YABU at all.I had 2 boys first and was absolutely desperate for no 3 to be a girl-which she was and so was no 4
Go for it !

moffat · 21/04/2010 18:16

YABU - like pagwatch I have never understood people being desperate for a particular gender.

darkandstormy · 21/04/2010 18:20

think anybody who pays for ivf/gender selection whatever is mad.I can think of a million ways I would rather spend the money,especially if I already had kids.Then I have a dd7 and ds4, But I would like a British grey shorthair{cat} next.Only joking a prefer a less modified moggy.

minipie · 21/04/2010 18:20

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I DO think that you are setting yourself up for a big disappointment if you get your little girl and she doesn't turn out like you (presumably) imagine her.

I used to be sure I wanted a girl, because I have a very close relationship with my mother and wanted to have that with my own daughter. BUT then I thought of several female friends of mine who don't really get on with or have anything in common with their mothers.

If I had had a girl expecting a certain sort of relationship, and that had not happened, I think I would have been horribly disappointed (much more so than by having a boy where there were no such "expectations").

So now I recognise that, boy or girl, you can never be certain what they are going to be like, and so you have to be open to however they might turn out.

minipie · 21/04/2010 18:22

that was a long winded way of saying that WHATEVER reason you want a girl - even if it isn't pink etc - you run the risk of being disappointed.

padraig · 21/04/2010 18:23

YABU. YABVU.

Family friends had 4 children, all boys all lovely (AFAIK). They (well she) had been hoping for a girl.

So they tried again. They went to fertility specialists, all kinds of doctors, even alternative psychic healers (that one made me go [hmmm]).

In the end she got pregnant. She had twin boys.

This still makes me chuckle

GoodDaysBadDays · 21/04/2010 18:23

Great post cuppycake

mathanxiety · 21/04/2010 18:24

As a mum of both, I have found there's no difference in the parenting relationship I have with my DDs and my DS. Every child is different, and the differences are not down to gender -- I agree with Trafficcone here.

MarshaBrady · 21/04/2010 18:28

Ok not a different relationship.

But it's not down to shopping / pink or any other activity (in my mind).

GeekOfTheWeek · 21/04/2010 18:29

Agree with minipie re the disappointment.

Imo gender selection without medical justification is 'playing god' and doesn't seem right.

BleachedWhale · 21/04/2010 18:31

I thought I wanted a girl, haven't had one, and am happy with boys. Because they are who they are. I just worry that if you wnat a boy or girl, rather than a CHILD then they are fulfilling something which is for your sake, rather than the child's sake.

We can't predict what or who our children will be. Being 'a girl' or 'a boy' is such a small part of who a child is, really. And being a boy or a girl can span such an enormous range of characteristics, with an enormous range.

Personally if I felt very strongly that I wanted a child if it could be one sex or the other, and would not want the other sort then I would seek counselling to address whatever it was in me that made me so desparate to fill this gap.

I feel so sorry, too, for the big family of boys who must know, eventually, that they were failed 'tries' at a girl.

mumblechum · 21/04/2010 18:31

YABU. Maybe it's because I've only had boys but, although I don't actively dislike little girls, I connect much better with boys.

minipie · 21/04/2010 18:33

highchair, if you were to explain why it is you want a girl, there will be plenty of replies saying "I have a girl and she's not like that".

This is what you have to bear in mind.

Swipe left for the next trending thread