To only want a 3rd child if its a dd and to want to go abroad to do gender selection IVF to guarantee this

[highchair]

controversial I know, but I'm ready to hear all thoughts on this subject...

I worry that growing old without the chance of ever raising a dd make me a bitter old MIL? will I always live with regret to not try at least uhm 3 times?!

Mothers of teenage/grown boys only, your experience much appreciated.

Thanks

I think leaving is right.

I would like a 3rd DC and would be overjoyed with a 3rd DD. But I would worry about stupid things people would assume and say to numbers 2 and 3 if it was a girl, or number 2 if it was a boy.

It really puts me off having another, the suggestion that any of my children may not be 'good enough' makes my blood boil.

In fact I still haven't forgiving my mother for her reaction to hearing that DC2 will be another girl.

Second thread I've killed tonight!

I haven't read the whole thread so may be repeating....

I think it's perhaps quite understandable to have a slight preference if you decide that you want to embark on another child. And I emphasise child, because this isn't a baby (or isn't for very long) it's a person. So, as an example, if a couple have two or three children of one gender and decide to have one more, then yes I can see there may be a slight natural preference, as in, if they had the choice, they might prefer the opposite sex, but once the child arrives I doubt the parents care a jot.

That is ENTIRELY different to what you are saying. You do not want another child, you want a particular gender. So clearly, you have preconceptions about how that child will be. Which is totally unreasonably for a start. How can anyone predict their child's character or interests? Why would they want to?

Lastly, it's very telling that you are fast forwarding and worrying about your future status as a MIL. WTF???????

How do you know your children will want to marry/ have a partner/have children???
Why is your identity so bound up with what other people might or might not choose to do? I have 3 children, two of one gender and one of the other. I can honestly say I barely give a minute's thought to what kind of MIL I might one day be. Blimey. You seriously need to start developing a life that doesn't fixate on trying to control everything. Because it's clear that if you manage to control this, and have a girl, you won't be satisfied; you will try to mould her personality, and have expectations about her future life which quite frankly would be her life, not yours!

I have 4boys..... I have always been happy with that fact. Would have been nice within the family dynamics to have evened out the massive male5-female1 domination and reduce the number of time I have to lower the toilet seat but hey ho this is the way it turned out.
I would suggest that talking to someone where you can express your feelings about this very common dilema in a safe and professional enviroment would be of great benifit to you. Good luck.

Several of posters on this thread have raised concerns that the 2nd / 3rd / 4th boy would feel 'unwanted' if the parents then had a girl.

Is anyone on this thread themselves the 2nd / 3rd / 4th boy/girl in their family, and have they ever been made to feel this way?

4madboys and clarrissimo - have you seen the new peppa pig clothing range for boys in Next?

YANBU. If you have the chance to ensure a female fetus through IVF, go for it. I can't think of a single reason why you shouldn't choose a female embryo over a male one, if that is what you wish.

I don't think you are being unreasonable as I have a DD & a DS. Ner Ner

Seriously. Think of the happiness your children give you already and not what another one would. I really really love my kids and every new thing they do really floats my boat. Perhaps you are not doing stuff with your kids.

You asked for responses from mothers of teenage/grown boys only, but it looks like everyone is having their 2pworth... so,
I do partly understand where you're coming from. I have just recently given birth to my 3rd girl. I have always imagined myself having a boy and when TTC for this 3rd baby, I did contemplate some of the more "natural" methods of influencing gender. However after a few of months of not conceiving we quickly abandoned that, as the desire for a third child was greater than the desire for a boy. I am happy to say that I now feel my family is now complete and I absolutely adore my 3rd DD and wouldn't swap her for the world.
I would not criticise you for considering gender selection, but it is quite extreme, and it might be interesting to dig around a bit more into the reasons you feel the way you do, and whether you really need to have a girl to be fulfilled.

I do think that YABU to do gender selection to ensure that you have a dd but YANBU in wanting one.

When I was pregnant with dc1 everyone told me that I was going to have a boy because of the way I carried. I was convinced that I was having a ds and was happy of course, but when I gave birth to my dd I was over the moon. I love spending time with her she is so funny and interesting. She's not particularly 'girly', but then I didn't want her to be a particular way. I think she's amazing.

My dc2 is my ds and I adore him. He is a fantastic hugger and my little man. I couldn't imagine life without him.

I am delighted that they are happy and healthy children but I admit without any shame that I am pleased that I have a daughter.

As a mother of FET twin boys of whom it was suggested we just dispose of (or allow to perish as they put it). I find the flippant disposal of embryos very shocking. They're not just 8 cells they're your children,wether you want to acknowledge that or not.

My boys were my final 3 embryos out of 36 eggs,they were in a very bad condition and we were told it was very unlikely they would implant hence me having 3 transfered. Nobody doing IVF destroys embryos"routinely".I don't know anybody who hasn't agonised over what to do with them.

I remember sitting in theatre sobbing because they only wanted to put 2 in and leaving the 3rd to perish as it was already defrosted.I just couldn't let it go and wanted to give it a chance,thank god I did as one of my boys may not have been here.

In a way I was lucky I had no unwanted embryos left as it must be extremely difficult to let them go.If you've had to let them go because of a horrendous fertility rollercoaster I think you'd come to terms with it because none of it is your fault. It's yet another hurdle you'd never choose to have to deal with,it's forced on you, but to destroy embryos needlessly to get what you want I can't believe a mother wouldn't have dreadful feelings of guilt one day.

Thanks thesecondcoming - its interesting to hear your experience of being one of six sisters. I hadn't really considered that children might grow up feeling 'unwanted' for not being the other gender (but then I am one of 4: two boys, two girls).

DH and I hope to have 4 children one day, and speaking honestly, I would quite like the 4th to be a girl. I wonder how I can make sure my boys never feel unwanted.

The midwife who delivered you must have been flattered! I must check the baby names section to make sure we have a good name ready for DS3 (due soon). Coincidentally we really are considering the name of the radiographer who did our 20 week scan!

I am the mother of teenage boys (actually one isn't even a teen anymore - how did that happen?) I also have a daughter. My dd may not see me grow to old age. She has health problems that will undoubted limit her life.

There are no guarantees in life. Be careful what you wish for.

At the risk of sounding slightly nauseating, I feel remarkably blessed to have happy, healthy DC. Gender simply doesn't come into it and I'm always find these threads on MN very uncomfortable. Count your blessings please

I have three boys. I was overjoyed at havingmy first two boysk, wouldn't have minded a girl with the third, and have ot admit to slight disappointment when I found out DS3 was going to be a boy, but soon got used ot the idea and wouldn't change him for the world. (he has Downs Syndrome also, and I wouldn't change that either).

I am now on my fourth pregnancy. Twins. DS's all want a sister, I would have liked a girl before we conceieved, but one I was pregnant I didn't care. Now, as it happens I am having serious complications with my pregnancy which mean I will be lucky to end up with one live baby, let alone two. At this point gender really doesn't matter, yet bizarrely, famnily members have stated preference... live babies are all DH and I wish for.

I don't think it is unresonable to have a preference for one gender, but I do think it's very unreasonable to be obsessive about it and very unfair to your existing children. I will never forget my ex MIL saying 'well, you can imagine what it was like, a girl, finally, after three boys...'

Midori - your post puts everything into perspective and I pray that your babies are okay x

I can honestly say that when I was pregnant I only ever wanted a baby.

My best friend has 3 brothers and she used to say she me because I had 4 sisters and 1 brother.

She now has a DD and DS and DIL.

She is so close to both her DD and DIL and they are the best of friends.

She now feels that she is not missing out anymore.

I only have one DS and never wanted more than one child. Had I decided to have another though, I would have definiately wanted another boy, rather than a girl.

I can't see the fascination with wanting one of each really but everyone's different I guess...

I'd say that we should always try to achieve what we consider will make us happy and fulfilled in life and if gender selection can give you the girl you want and you have the money to pay for it, then I say bloody well go for it.

These services are provided for people to use, so use them if you can. Life is too short to be held back considering the moral issues surrounding it all.

I think there are massive implications for choosing children of a certain gender. Granted, we don't have the value issue around girls vs boys that exist in some countries but there are massive gender imbalances in those where sex selection is possible. Women are in such short supply in some parts of China that their parents are asking enormous sums for the pleasure of marrying them. While I appreciate the OP is coming from the opposite end of the spectrum, I find the idea of sex selection hugely repellant

Midori, I'm so sorry to hear that you're not out of the woods yet. Every time you post that you're still pregnant, I'm so glad for you (you've come so far!) but it's hard and difficult and such a shame to be facing this potential loss.

I think the OP is ridiculous, I can't stand the gender essentialism that goes on around sex preferences for children. Repellent.

My very best wishes midori, it puts it all in perspective.
People lose sight of the fact that a DC is a precious gift that you have for a very short time and they are not a commodity to choose what sort of gift you want. I think it is wonderful that it is one area of life where you get what you are given and it will be a sad day when you get to choose the gender, the colour of eyes etc.
I agree with violethill who said this earlier

'You do not want another child, you want a particular gender. So clearly, you have preconceptions about how that child will be. Which is totally unreasonably for a start. How can anyone predict their child's character or interests? Why would they want to?

There is nothing to say that a DD is going to fit in with any of your preconceptions.

A healthy DC is all that matters, the job of the parent is to nurture and gradually let go. It is up to the DC how they live their life. A DD may be a lesbian, go and live in New Zealand, not give you grandchildren, not think the same as you on any point-as a parent you love them as they are not as you want them to be.

If I had had a choice beforehand I would have had a girl, but I am pleased that I didn't get the choice and wouldn't swap any of my DSs.

To the OP, yabu to post this as its the wrong forum as its full of mothers of both genders who can't help but be unsupportive as how could they understand, imo yanbu.

In the States, Gender Selection is legal and it is called "family balancing", and although it may seem like a fluffy name for choosing your gender "balancing" is very much a real need for many women.

Why do we in the UK expect ourselves to suffer? oh, no sorry we don't, we're allowed cosmetic surgery, new limbs, gay marriages, surrogacy, sperm donation etc etc.... we just seem to be slightly behind on gender selection!! nothing wrong with wanting to create a life or to save a life, we all have this one chance at life so make the most of it! people have children for all the wrong reasons all the time, to be able to choose can't be a bad thing? implying the OP has other issues is funny!!

IVF is no guarantee anyway and if it fails, its a better fail than to fail at trying naturally for a girl and getting a boy who she would always wish was a girl.

To those women here that have had 3 or 4 boys and no girls, seriously you're saying you would NOT like to raise a dd?

At least the OP is not considering termination, shocking its available until 24 weeks gestation!

'To those women here that have had 3 or 4 boys and no girls, seriously you're saying you would NOT like to raise a dd?'

If asked beforehand I would have said 'some of each'. However, luckily, you can't order them like a new handbag!
I can honestly say that I am quite happy with my 3 DSs.
I am very very grateful that I :

1. Was able to conceive in the first place.
2. Had straightforward births without life being threatened.
3. Have 3 healthy DCs
4. Have 3 lovely kind, caring DSs that any parent could be proud of.

I can't imagine saying I won't have a 4th because it might be a boy-if I was that fussy there would be no point in even thinking of it.

If you are really fussy about gender you could adopt, there as lots of older DDs who need a loving home.

I have 2 girls, both Tomboys and hate shopping, anything pink and dollies and prams.

Also, I have a wonderful mother in law (she has 2 boys) and she calls me her daughter.

My relationship with her is much closer than that with my own mother, and we spend much more time together.

I think it's only natural to perhaps want a different sex (especially if you are outnumbered in the house) !!! Sometimes I feel for my hubby with all those hormones !!!!

So from a 'balance' point of view I think it's only natural to hope fo r a certain sex.

2 is enough for us, but if I did have another I think I would prefer another girl.
But If I was given a son then I would just have to learn more about boys LOL !

How does Gender selection IVF work?

I can't say if yabu without knowing.

As someone who had IVF to hopefully just have one child I do think that perhaps your expectations are unreasonable considering the fact that so many people would be happy with whatever they got. On the other hand, perhaps you are suffering from something which could benefit from some kind of counselling before going abroad to try this?