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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only want a 3rd child if its a dd and to want to go abroad to do gender selection IVF to guarantee this

191 replies

highchair · 21/04/2010 17:16

controversial I know, but I'm ready to hear all thoughts on this subject...

I worry that growing old without the chance of ever raising a dd make me a bitter old MIL? will I always live with regret to not try at least uhm 3 times?!

Mothers of teenage/grown boys only, your experience much appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:
wonka · 21/04/2010 19:10

We are just starting the process to adopt having given B to boys we we're asked if we wanted a girl.. I had to come away and think about this (we are hoping to adopt from abroad) I never want my sons to feel I was so disappointed that none of them were girls I went to find one by another means.. Truth is I'd happily have another boy - I just don't feel like my family is complete..

moominmarvellous · 21/04/2010 19:10

I have only read the first couple of pages of responses, but I think that if I were considering gender selection, I wouldn't tell many people about it, and would just get on with it.

Not everyone will agree with you, but when it boils down to it, it is an option these days. It's your body, your family, your money and your choice.

Asking on here will have you questioning if you should have been born yourself, let alone what to do on this one!

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 21/04/2010 19:11

YABU. Choosing to have a baby isn't like shopping for shoes.

bidibidi · 21/04/2010 19:14

I can very well understand why you want to do it, Highchair, but I can't understand why you're brave enough to ask for approval on MN!
Just make sure you're not wanting a girl for unrealistic reasons.

Clarissimo · 21/04/2010 19:14

Ah yes Moomin

if you do it, never ever tell the boys that you did inca se they feel as if they were not good enough

Incredibly important

IME once you get past that first stage a house full of boys is a delight anyway ., I am sure if I ahd birthed a girl she would have been very ungirly (based on every female realtion she would have) and even more likely so with boys to chase after all day

In my family I have one very girly boy who adores pink and peppa pig, a son who is into fashion, thinks he may be gay and wants to be Gok....... tehre's enough avriety in the bunch I have to be satisfie4d and yes, to go shoe shopping with or whatever

MarshaBrady · 21/04/2010 19:15

I have a few friends who have really wanted daughters (after one or two boys).

All are over the moon to have the daughter they so desired, and are not disappointed in any way.

I think emotionally and physically, micro sorting is different to embryo selection (I could not in a million years do the latter).

choufleur · 21/04/2010 19:15

YABVU. be grateful that you have two healthy sons and if you want a third then have one. hope your sons don't feel like some kind of failures because they're not female.

ELCSadvice · 21/04/2010 19:17

Did you watch that 8 boys and wanting a girl show?

They did IVF gender selection on that - the Dr said to the American couple "so you want me to just dispose of all of these male embryos yes?" and they said "yep".

I was and I don't think that much shocks me, I did find that really flippant.

Depends how you feel about embryos I guess, but I couldn't just chuck them away like that just for being male.

(I've one DD and one DD on the way btw)

4madboys · 21/04/2010 19:17

clarrissimo i have a peppa obsessed boy too, he also loves tinkerbell and has worn a bright pink silk party dress to school on non uniform day as well as his tinkerbell outfit, but he is a proper rough and tuble 5yr old boy in most other respects, just loves peppa and tinkerbell/fairies

and i think clarrisimo is very right in saying that even with children of one sex you get huge variety within their personalities etc and a house full of boys is fun!

Magaly · 21/04/2010 19:20

But embryos are routinely disposed of in ivf clinics...

4madboys · 21/04/2010 19:20

elcsadvie, totally agree with you re the disposal of the male embryos, that really shocked me too.

the sperm/micro sorting is different, still not something i would ever do, but at least it doesnt involve disposing of embryos.

laydeestardust · 21/04/2010 19:21

OP-I think YANU.

I can't understand this gender preference thing at all-those of us with any children at all should thank our lucky stars imo!

(not aimed at the OP)-I have 4 DC-the third is a girl. I cannot begin to describe the loathing I felt for the fuckwits who actually commiserated with me when I had DS2 and DS3, and those who said "ah at least you've got your girl now-bet you're relieved" when I had DD

I fear I was very very rude in my replies at times

Clarissimo · 21/04/2010 19:22

4madboys

ELCSadvice · 21/04/2010 19:22

Magaly - I didn't say I agree with routine disposal of embryos in IVF clinics either.

pranma · 21/04/2010 19:22

It's the adult relationship that is different.As children both ds and dd[I have both]were similar though ds was possibly more 'cuddly' and dd was a tomboy but now they are grown up I have more in common with dd and I am closer to her 2 ds than to son's dd.This is probably because ds lives abroad and for dgd English is a second language and my Turkish is limited.I am a little sad that my dd will never have a dd of her own but she wouldn't be without either of the boys and wont ttc a 3rd.OP YANBU to dream but it would be a little U to follow through.

sungirltan · 21/04/2010 19:25

yanbu! ffs. flame me all you like but i was over the top relieved when i had dd. i thought one dd would be enough but my anti dc feelings are even more intense now as i feel having a ds will spoil everything. right now i'm not sure about having another dc. if i could gurantee it was a dd i would want to.

fwiw its nothing to do with wanting a mini me. i find gender stereotyping a bit offensive. i just wanted/want a girl. thats how i feel and the thought police cant stop me feeling that way

SalFresco · 21/04/2010 19:30

I don't understand why so many people seem to be obsessed with having girls - and to assume that if you have boys, you must want a girl. I also had people ask me, after DS2, if I was going to "try for a girl" now - even the midwife who did my postnatal check!!

And it doesn't seem to work the other way round - people with two or more girls don't seem to get hounded about it in the same way.

I've always wanted 3 DC's and am really put off now because I would hate anyone to think, or worse, comment to my boys, that I had only had a third to "get" a girl when in fact I'd be happy either way.

And I do agree with those who say that going through stressful medical proceedures to get particular gender, especially when you already have DC's is indicative of a deeper problem. It is very different to simply having a preference.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 21/04/2010 19:30

I find this interesting as I didn't want a girl, just boys, but I didn't want a girl as my mum gave me away so we have no relationship. I didn't want it to be like that with my dd and me.

I have 2 boys and a girl and it is all good in our house. MIL not so keen.

rastababi · 21/04/2010 19:31

Agree with cuppycakesong, very well written post.

YANBU, I have 2 (wonderful) DDs. However, I've always longed for a son, ever since I was a very young girl I always saw myself having a son. So on that level, I can understand your desire for a daughter.

I do think that the whole gender preference issue is something one has to experience before you can understand it. Am a bit at people saying YABU then "however, I have a DS and DD".

Gender selection is not a route I personally would do myself, but wish you the best if you decide to do so.

ChunkyChick · 21/04/2010 19:34

Microsort isn't really an option unless the OP is prepared to fly abroad every month for insemination for as long as it takes to get pregnant.

ELCSadvice · 21/04/2010 19:37

Have no idea how it all works but can they do microsort and then ICSI? ICSI uses a single sperm to inject the egg doesn't it?

sungirltan · 21/04/2010 19:39

i think gender preference night have something to do with cultural expectations of opposite gender roles.

the thing that most made me cross my fingers for a girl was nothing to do with frocks but so that no one would day to my child 'ooh will you go in the army when you grow up like your dad' (no thanks i'd like my child to have a better chance of reaching 30). also dh started to say things like 'oh if its a boy i'd love him to achieve everything i didnt quite manage' (again, no thanks, i dont want dh or i to be living through our dcs and hey, no pressure!) and lastly i knew that if dd was a boy then he would be lumped in with the other grandkids with their appalling behaviour!

curryfreak · 21/04/2010 19:49

I think the thought of never being a maternal grandparent must be hard to deal with.

leavingonajetplane · 21/04/2010 19:54

I would give an awful lot of thought to what this commuicates to your two sons.

I dont think that not telling them how far you went to ensure your next child was female would solve the problem. It is unlikely to stay a secret.

TBH if your desire that your next child is female is this strong presumably your sons may have picked up on this in some way already, or will as they get older, if your feelings remain like this, whether you have another baby or not.

You may want to consider that they may interpret your desire that the baby is a girl as a desire that the baby is "not a(nother) boy" and what that may mean to them.

Im sure you have already tried to think of it from their POV and perhaps part of your reasoning is to give them a sister but there is massive potential for misinterpretation from their POV here, about how you feel/felt about having them as your feelings are this strong.

thesecondcoming · 21/04/2010 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.