To only want a 3rd child if its a dd and to want to go abroad to do gender selection IVF to guarantee this

[highchair]

controversial I know, but I'm ready to hear all thoughts on this subject...

I worry that growing old without the chance of ever raising a dd make me a bitter old MIL? will I always live with regret to not try at least uhm 3 times?!

Mothers of teenage/grown boys only, your experience much appreciated.

Thanks

YANBU, do what you need to do.

I wanted a girl after 2 boys, luckily I got one.

No of course you aren't being unreasonable to want a daughter.

It's your life and your money and you and your husband want to go to Spain to have this treatment (if that's the right word) then you should do it! Keep it to yourselves though, as a lot of people seem to feel it means that you're treating babies like consumer accessories, or that you love your sons less, or, blah blah blah. God knows. I don't know why it's so controversial really.

iagree with magaly.

i think you shuold do what you like, your life your body.

I think yanbu

if you have the money, the emotional stamina and the motivation I would go for it

the desire for a daughter is rarely motivated by pink clothes and fluffy accessories imo
my dd is a tomboy
she is not a mini me
but I do think there is a difference between a mother/son and mother/daughter relationship

not to say one is closer or has more longevity
just different
and if it's what you desire, why not?

the accusations of insensitivity towards mners who are currently unable to conceive are unfounded imo
using the same principle should discussion of abortion also be kept off the boards?

YANBU, go for it but stay hush!

Imagine saying to an infertile couple, "yes its awful you can't have children, so deal with it, be grateful for being healthy, having a job etc etc and YABU to consider IVF as you're not meant to have children, the world is overpopulated as it is, children are not consumer accessories as is buying someones egg, sperm to get you there"

I also find the lack of empathy for OP's dilemma disappointing.

We wouldn't say to a poster longing to get pregnant, well, yabu to complain, just be grateful you're alive, thousands of people have cancer you know/no money/no husband/no house/no job.

Just because you don't understand the longing doesn't make it UNreasonable. There's no hierarchy of dilemmas. And just because you know somebody who has what you consider a REAL problem worthy of a bit of sympathy doesn't mean that the OP's feelings are invalid.

YANBU to want a girl. Its your life to want what you want.

However YABU to only want another baby if its a girl, and to not want another boy.

YaalsoBU to dictate who you want to answer your post.

YANBU to want a daughter and to use science to help you.

I would think YABU if you told your sons, or anyone for that matter incase they told your sons.

When there was that TV documentary about this I could have wept for the sons. Some of the women on there seemed as if they were stuck as a child and just wanted a dolly. Didn't seem to care at all about their son's feelings.

You must have very strong feelings if you are considering doing this. I wouldn't entertain it at all, but they I would also think it was lovely to have 3 sons.

I say go for it, if that is so important to you. Just do it discreetly.

Islandfever, spooky x post!! ]

I was referring to posters a good few posts back.

ISLANDFEVER people DO say that childless people with fertility problems, right here on mn. Just adopt, so they tell you.

i would say you are being unreasonable in that having a desire for a child of one or the other sex is fairly common, but to go to the hastle of going abroad and paying for treatment to try and get a girl, i am assuming you mean by gender selection of embryos? is taking it too far, to the realms of obsession?

and what will you do with any boy embryos created? i remember on that tv prog 8boys and wanting a girl or whatever it was called? the boy embryos were destroyed i cant cope with that i think its morally wrong tbh. tho i gues you could donate them for use for couples undergoing fertility treatment or something?

but tbh it doesnt sit well with me, i know i am being extreme here but i start thinking eugenics etc once you start down this path where does it end?

honestly i dont understand the NEED for a duaghter, i have four fantastic boys and am now expecting no 5, we dont know the sex, its too early and we wont find out, i really will be just be happy with a healthy baby.

i think step back, have a look at your life and think about whether you really want to put yourself and your family through the emotional stress and also physical stress for yourself and then it may not even work.

I have 3 boys and 1 girl - girl is by far the youngest.

Whatever people spout, it is a different parental relationship and you can do different things with them - and I have a girl who is offended by pink and skirts.

There are gender differences which do provide different challenges and to refuse to accept that out of some sense of political correctness is sheer madness.

Would I have chosen IVF to determine gender? Not sure. Did I care if I had another boy - hell no - other people did a lot though

That's great that you're 100% happy with what you were sent 4madboys.

Do you expect everybody else to feel the same though? Cos that is unrealistic. Everybody is not you. Everybody is not going to feel the same as you.

As for Eugenics!! You are being extreme and silly because the two aren't comparable. And the only time anything close to 'eugenics' of any description is used is pre-implantation genetic selection (PIGS) to select embryos without an inherited disease which is a GOOD thing.

An embryo is about 8 cells. I really wouldn't start getting 'every sperm is sacred about it'.

There's been a thread on here before about this

I understand your desire for a DD. But it's one thing changing your diet and following methods of having sex at specific times of the month to 'aim for' your preferred gender, but another thing completely to be so repulsed by the idea of having a DS3 that you would wish to have costly treatment abroad. It is a bit worrying, actually, if you are so unhappy with your current DCs to wish to have one so totally different. ?

I wanted a DD2 because DC1, a girl, very sadly died, but recent DC2 was a boy. I was a little upset to start with but I am so happy he is here and healthy. I wanted a girl because I missed DD, but also to have a mother-daughter relationship I never had. It's symptomatic of a deep emotional problem if you feel such a need to go for treatment or if your preference endures after having a child of the less preferred gender.

Then there are the extreme medical implications of IVF, if that is what you mean, as opposed to sperm sorting.

Not a good choice. It's a long hard painful slog and very unnecessary if you are naturally able to conceive anyway

Wanting a particular gender is "symptomatic of a deep emotional problem". I disagree with that.

I agree that micro sort is a simpler procedure than ivf

i dont expect everyone else to feel the same no, but i believe that gender selection of embryos is wrong, obviously there are cases for MEDICAL reasons such inherited diseases where it is a good thing, but purely for gender selection NO.

YANBU to want a daughter.

I have two DSs and expecting a 3rd very soon. They are wonderful. I always hoped to have sons.

But I'd still like to have a daughter one day, if I am lucky enough to have another child at all (after this one I'm carrying, I mean).

I disagree strongly with the comment "I feel so sorry, too, for the big family of boys who must know, eventually, that they were failed 'tries' at a girl." That is just really judgemental and harsh. My wonderful boys are NOT failed tries at a girl - they are wonderful welcomed children... whether or not we eventually have a daughter.

However, Gender selection by IVF is a bit extreme... something to research very carefully, both the physical and moral implications. Ulitimately, it is your body, your life and your decision.

You're not being unreasonable to want it [our wants and wishes aren't really in our control, are they?]. I think you'd be being unreasonable to do it though, because like others have said, what are you projecting onto that potential little girl?

The only thing you can really know for certain if you get a girl is that it will have things like XX chromosomes, a vulva, later breasts and higher levels of estrogen/lower levels of testosterone. And even those aren't set in stone; human biology occasionally goes a bit nuts. So if you want, need or expect anything else, to have a girl for that is unfair on them. Because if they don't turn out to be what you want, you can be the best actress in the world but they will sense that they have somehow disappointed you. Kids pick that up easy as.

And if it does get to the point for you where you are seriously considering it [or starting to do it] I think what you actually need is some therapy or counselling, to help you come to terms with the fact that you can't actually have everything you want in life and some things just have to be accepted. [That's not a dig, by the way, it's just advice. Obsession over sex is a great way to make yourself desperately unhappy.]

It's not fair to feel that everybody else should share your exact philosophy though... well obviously you can't stop anybody who set out to have one gender over the other, but you would judge them, which I feel is harsh and unfair.

I don't think it's a crime to want a girl. But I don't agree with gender selection, personally.

If you can live with it, go for it, of course.

But my own opinion is this: the beauty of life is that it throws the unexpected at you and the fun in life is to be found in how you deal with what comes your way.

Who's to say you wouldn't have a girl anyway, because it was 'meant to be'? Or that you would have a son - a wonderful amazing human being to bring even more joy to your life? And who's to say that - even if you go to all the expense and effort of 'selecting' a girl - she ill live up to your expectations of what being a girl means. I would really search deep and analyse your reasons for wanting to take this drastic step before you do.

I don't know whether you are BU or not, OP, but I think it would be worth your while to sit down and analyse what exactly it is you would hope for from a mother-daughter relationship. It isn't just about whether you want pink and fluffy or not; think about what your expectations actually are and then think about how sure you could be too have them fulfilled.

I can think of very few things that you can actually guarantee that the mother-daughter relationship will provide. Not all girls are into female bonding of any kind. Will you feel more disappointed if you went to a lot of trouble and pain to have such a relationship and it doesn't pan out? Not of course a necessary result, but one worth thinking about.

what pag said sort of

I have 4 boys: i wanted a girl for ds2 and ds3

but I was happy with my boys when they came

by the time ds4 arrived 2 had been dx'd with asd and I was frankly just grateful

I did go through a very brief why didnt I get a dd- but you have to have a baby for the sake of a baby only

Well I just think wanting one so badly that you would put yourself through such a procedure as IVF voluntarily when you could conceive a girl naturally, or could conceive a boy naturally, is indicative of a very strong feeling. The OP should get to the bottom of why she feels so strongly about it.