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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does your dh know what you earn?

152 replies

Kathyjelly · 09/04/2010 06:37

Following the thread about whether a SAHM mum should have access to a joint account and see funds as "our money", I just wondered, how many people tell their dh or dp what they earn?

My dp doesn't know and because we have separate accounts I don't think he has any idea.

OP posts:
butadream · 09/04/2010 06:41

Yes, DH knows what I earn and I know what he earns.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 09/04/2010 06:45

Of course he knows what I earn. We have a running household budget that gets tweaked when we want to save up for something (currently we are working out how long it will take before we can afford to move house...2 or 3 years, sadly). When we've made career decisions that involve one of us taking a pay cut (both of us have retrained at different points during our relationship) we've always sat down and said, ok I earn X, we need X+Y to live on, so as long as you can earn Y while you're studying we'll be fine.

StealthPolarBear · 09/04/2010 06:47

not exactly as I can't remember myself
(work for the NHS so it always ends in £418, or something like that)
But seriously, yes. We have a joint account and both have full access. At the moment he 'asks' me when he's buying something but that's because we're watching money as I'm on ML and I'm the one who checks our money online. So he's not asking my permission, jusy whether we can afford it

MrsForHowLong · 09/04/2010 07:11

WTF? How can your partner not know what you earn? Have you bought a house? Or is this your boyfriend?

WidowWadman · 09/04/2010 07:16

Of course he knows what I earn and vice versa, how else can you split household bills fairly?

Numberfour · 09/04/2010 07:21

yes and i know what he earns, too. i would not be able to put up with secrecy in this respect (and many others).

we are like stealthpolarbear - DH will also check with me first because i know more about what is going on with finances than he does because i have been the bread winner for a while. i also ask if he has drawn money etc so that I can ensure we are not overdrawn.

Original poster
Kathyjelly · 09/04/2010 07:25

Dp, not DH and we have a ds but he also has an ex-wife and two daughters. Because they still make significant draws on his income, we don't have a joint account.

When he split from his ex, he kept the house and loaded up the mortgage to pay her off. I moved in with him after ds was born, and sold my house. The idea was to buy a house together because I loathe his house (no natural sunlight, can't change anything without upsetting the daughters, right on a very busy road) but the mortgage company tied him in when he remortgaged so we're stuck here for another year.

So it's never come up. My salary pays for me and anything ds needs, plus half the bills and I save the rest. He's never asked so it's never come up.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 09/04/2010 07:26

I don't agree with that particularly WW, although it may be that it's never been an issue as we've usually earned within a couple of thousand of each other and have both had periods out of work while the other works. But no matter who earns it it's our money, and as a family we live to a standard that we jointly can afford.
As I said we've never been in a position where I earn £100,000 and he earns £15,000, maybe if we had things would be different although I doubt it. If I ever start earning that much I'll let you know

StealthPolarBear · 09/04/2010 07:27

OK can see how in situations like Kj's it makes sense. ALso if one of the couple has a spending/gambling problem and the other's taking control.

stealthsquiggle · 09/04/2010 07:28

Historically, not exactly - but we have been filling in so many forms for one reason or another that an unprecedented (and vaguely uncomfortable) degree of 'sharing' has had to happen.

strawberrykate · 09/04/2010 07:49

Kathy-Interesting. My step dd does come out of the joint account.

FioFio · 09/04/2010 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Kathyjelly · 09/04/2010 07:55

Yes Strawberrykate. Maybe I'm mean but my dp's daughters are in their twenties so shouldn't really still be dependant IMO.

I've decided to leave things as they are for now. I'll worry about it again if dp ever asks.

OP posts:
BirdFromDaNorf · 09/04/2010 07:55

It all goes into one account in our house. I'm self employed, DH does some self employed work as well as salaried work, so we both know everything.

Herecomesthesciencebint · 09/04/2010 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 09/04/2010 08:01

Yeah, everything goes into one account here, which is a direct line of credit account that pays the mortgage. All the bills come out by direct debit. There's always a decent amount of money left over (not because we're rich, but because we've always lived modestly, and we got lucky and bought into the market before it soared. Our first house cost 40,000 pounds) so we just spend as we see fit. We have a gentleman's agreement to run any big purchase past one another, but since neither of us has an expensive hobby, they're usually mutually wanted purchases (a computer) or useful household things, so we always agree.

We're a very communist household - from each according to their means, to each according to their wants. If our wants were very different from one another we'd probably change tactics. But whether our means differ from one another has never affected things, and I'm talking as someone who has been both the breadwinner and totally dependent at different times. It's made exactly no difference who earns the money.

skidoodly · 09/04/2010 08:05

His two daughters, well into adulthood, are making significant draws on his income while you are covering all the expenses related to your young child yourself?

Did he leave them for you? Else why all the tip-toeing around their feelings? My parents don't consult me before getting work done to their house.

And yes, of course my dh knows what I earn.

Original poster
Kathyjelly · 09/04/2010 08:10

No he didn't leave them. He'd rather cut off his own head.

The only real cost of ds is childcare. But I'm not paying a mortgage so I don't mind.

OP posts:
Baileysismyfriend · 09/04/2010 08:19

Yes of course he does.

TheGashlycrumbTinies · 09/04/2010 08:28

Yes, always has, I know hat he earns, so why not?

babybarrister · 09/04/2010 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FakePlasticTrees · 09/04/2010 08:49

currently I'm on Maternity leave and so he knows I get 'just under £500 a month' but not exactly!

Before that, he knew what my gross wage was, I've always told him when it's changed and told him exactly what bonuses I've got, but not sure if he knows what I took home each month (as well as tax and NI I pay into a pension and the company dental plan).

We have always had separate accounts and then both paid into a joint account for bills. We started that when we first moved in together and although it might make sense to just have everything paid directly into that, as DH works for a bank they will only pay their staff wages into accounts with that bank (reasonable i suppose to say you have to use their product), our joint account is with another bank and the idea of moving everything is a bit depressing, esp as he might move employers and pretty much all banks do this so we'd end up with several joint accounts...

redskyatnight · 09/04/2010 08:50

Er - yes. How is it practical to live with someone who doesn't know how much you earn? How on earth would you budget without knowing? Make decisions about who works for how many hours? Buy a house (did you have to fill in mortgage applications with a piece of paper over each other's salaries?)
Surely it makes a big difference to the way you live depending on whether you earn 10K or 100K?

EmmieA · 09/04/2010 08:57

Yes he does, not sure how we could live together peacefully if we both didn't know what the other earned. We both pay a % into a joint accunt where everytung comes out from and the remiander is ours to squander/spend. Works for us but can equally see why other set-ups work for other people.

CMOTdibbler · 09/04/2010 09:04

Yes, but vaguely, and I only know exactly what he earns because yesterday he had his letter telling him his bonus/pay increase for this year, and he showed it to me. We have separate accounts and a household one, but we only review how much we each pay into that when we have a change in circumstances.