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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does your dh know what you earn?

152 replies

Kathyjelly · 09/04/2010 06:37

Following the thread about whether a SAHM mum should have access to a joint account and see funds as "our money", I just wondered, how many people tell their dh or dp what they earn?

My dp doesn't know and because we have separate accounts I don't think he has any idea.

OP posts:
twinkerbell · 09/04/2010 10:04

we only have one account and that is a joint one so we both know exactly what goes and what goes out, I wouldnt be very happy for us to not tell eachother what we earn? I think if you are running a family and running a home together you need to know surely

GetOrfMoiLand · 09/04/2010 10:05

Yes, he knows what I earn and I know what he earns.

It is roughly the same - well, it is at the moment, however I got a new job which I am starting in May which takes my salary above his, however he is also starting a new contract in May as well which will mean he will be earning a lot more than me. Which I am pretty uncomfortable about as I always have thought that financial equality = happiness.

We have seperate accounst - we just take care of different bills and it splits about equally. I don't have any claims on his money and he has none on mine. We have seperate savings accounts as well.

Really would hate to be in the situation where I would not earn my own money and be financially dependent. God knows how people do it.

ninedragons · 09/04/2010 10:05

We know each others' incomes to the penny. All joint accounts, though I usually do the bills and the shares and all the other finance crap, because I love money and he's a lot more laissez-faire about it.

kitkat1967 · 09/04/2010 10:10

Nope,
We have our own bank accounts and a joint one which we both pay into and use to pay the bills and mortgage. I'm sure he used to at some point but it never comes up now. We still discuss big purchases though

minipie · 09/04/2010 10:12

Yes he knows what I earn, and vice versa. Also we know how much each of us has in savings (well roughly). We have a joint account. what's mine is his and what's his is mine, and all that.

Luckily we have similar views on spending and saving, not sure what I would do if he was a real spender (probably sit on his head till he agreed to spend less )

cranbury · 09/04/2010 10:19

Does anybody else just end up spending nothing on themselves with a joint account. I'm a SAHM but have had joint account since marriage. DH very frugal and hardly spends anything on himself. It has stopped me spending practically anything except essentials on myself - however my kids have beautiful clothes . We are thinking of having an allowance each - but surely I need more clothes, makeup, hair cuts and stuff than him! If I worked full time I would earn more than him, however his job is much more secure and shorter hours so I'm at home until the kids start school.

emsyj · 09/04/2010 10:20

I think having similar views on spending and saving is key to being able to live with a 'pool everything' approach. I personally can't imagine being married to/living with someone who had fundamentally different views about money from my own, but clearly lots of couples do judging by the comments that have been made about wanting to keep disposable income separate and not wanting to go to the joint account at the end of the month to find DH had squandered all the money on something wasteful and pointless. DH has to be practically bullied into spending money on himself, so am counting myself very lucky on that front!!!

GetOrfMoiLand · 09/04/2010 10:25

Agree it is really important to have the same views on money - otherwise arguments will happen.

Any big oyrchases like fridges, tVs - we would take it in turns to buy, or pay half each. Same with holidays. Same with meals out.

We both spend money on what we want but neither of us are particularly frivolous or wasteful, so we never argue about money.

nickelbabe · 09/04/2010 10:38

yours is interesting cranbury surely you should be glad that it's reined in your spending?
maybe you should write lists of wants for a month and work out what you both consider reasonable?

my OH is a new addition, but he shows me what he earns every week. I don't earn anything at all, as i have a new business, but i agree to buy groceries and petrol (i got rid of my car because of costs when i moved in with him)
my ex, however, was obsessed with "parity" which meant that we had to contribute equal amounts to bills, even though he earned FOUR times what i earned. I wanted it to be a percentage (in the same way as tax) but he insisted the value was the same. used to make me so mad.

MCDL · 09/04/2010 10:45

Kathjelly it wont last forever, other families are big now and wont always be financially dependant, but I will never sell my house. We will probably build and mortgage one together shortly, this is when things might get a bit sticky ...

MrsC2010 · 09/04/2010 10:52

We both know to the pound what the other has and where, what comes in and when etc.

NomDePlume · 09/04/2010 11:09

Yes, we each know what the other earns.

upahill · 09/04/2010 11:19

I'm going to be conterversial (sp) and say that I ask my DH for money!!!

Most of my salary goes into a joint account except for about £600 which goes straight into my savings account.
After that I don't really bother with money. My pensions are being sorted, my savings are ok.

On a day to day basis DH handles the cash and I'll say can you leave a tenner, twenty,fifty what ever out for me. No problem.
That way we can have an idea on the balance on the current account. Things could get confusing if we were both drawing out from a joint account and no one was keeping tabs.

I'll use my credit cards for theatre tickets,gigs, impulse shopping or anything that I might want spur of the moment and settle up at the end of the month.

It works for us.

worldgonemad72 · 09/04/2010 11:23

In our house everything gets paid into our joint account, we share everything. It works for us as im better with finances than him.

TrillianAstra · 09/04/2010 11:24

Nickelbabe - if one person earns 4x as much they should contribute at least 4x as much - the spare cash will still be 4x what yours is. That would be parity in % of income spent on household stuff.

Or alternatively you should have parity in your disposable income, which would probably mean him paying it all and also giving you some spending money

LeQueen · 09/04/2010 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nickelbabe · 09/04/2010 11:32

Trillian: exactly my point!
but he never saw it like that: he said he didn't see why he should subsidize me having a crap job!

still, not my problem anymore.(thank fully it was my Ex that that situation referred to) My new OH is soo much more sensible about finances.

Gay40 · 09/04/2010 11:39

We earn roughly the same, couldn't tell you to the penny. It is shared money, but we don't want a joint account: I like to fritter and gf likes to save, and having a joint account wouldn't work. Especially as we don't buy presents any more and we enjoy treating each other to little holidays instead.
I am not quite sure how the expenses for DD work out, it's about equal but there's no "system" and we are both perfectly happy with it all, so it must be OK.

OrmRenewed · 09/04/2010 11:41

He does now as we've been talking about remortgaging. Not sure if he did before. I know what he earns because I do all the budgetting. Not an issue as long as there's enough to go round.

mumblechum · 09/04/2010 11:42

Yes. I earn 10% of the household income for half the hours he does[crap emoticon].

motherinferior · 09/04/2010 11:46

Half the time I don't know what I earn, as I'm freelance.

I would hate to pool all our money. We have fundamentally different approaches to the stuff. We have a joint account to which he contributes more than I do as he now earns more, and separate ones too. It works. Can't stand all this 'oh you should share everything' lecturing - it may work for you, but I can assure you it wouldn't for me.

rubyrubyruby · 09/04/2010 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneS · 09/04/2010 11:54

Yes - DP knows how much my grant is and I know how much he earns, less the student debt he's paying off. Before he got his last payrise my grant was more than he earned and he used to ask me for cash at the end of the month; now I'm more likely to ask him. I came to him with the car so that is 'my' expense but we discussed together whether we could afford to keep it.

Am I right in thinking it's only possible not to know if you're both well off? Or is that very cynical of me?

motherinferior · 09/04/2010 12:00

I think it's more a case of at what age you got together. I didn't take up with DP till I was 36. By which point I had some savings, no debt and a smallish but continuing pension. And he had quite a bit of debt.

Colour me Scrooge, but somehow the idea of pouring my not very great provision against old age into his accrued profligacy did not fry my onion.

upahill · 09/04/2010 12:00

LittleRedDragon. We are not well off but I'm not sure excatly how much Dh earns excatly. I know it is roughly triple my salary but it varies so much because he is self employed. His earnings aren't hidden from me or anything like that it's just that I don't need to know.