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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does your dh know what you earn?

152 replies

Kathyjelly · 09/04/2010 06:37

Following the thread about whether a SAHM mum should have access to a joint account and see funds as "our money", I just wondered, how many people tell their dh or dp what they earn?

My dp doesn't know and because we have separate accounts I don't think he has any idea.

OP posts:
Xenia · 10/04/2010 17:09

When I was married we always shared everything and I think we were very lucky that we both had similar views on working hard and not spending very much. that makes a huge difference. Always had joint accounts etc I did our tax returns. He did a lot of admin too both 100% knew every cheque that came in.

After divorec I have seen so many women writing they have no idea what investments their husband has, no idea what pensions he has, what bank accounts, what his income is, what his shareholding in the business he owns is. I would recommend everyone no matter how happy they feel with their other half to find out now everything just in case. It is much much harder to find out after divorce. I have also met severa men who have delighted in telling me how they have hidden money from their ex wife (and one whose ex wife remortgaged - house only in her name and took the money)l.

I can understand people keeping finances seprate particularly if they get together at my age (40s) when they have some assets rather than early 20s when I married but even so it's best to know who has what and discuss things in advance. Intereseting article in the telegraph magazine today about second families, people changing wills, cutting children from first family out etc too. One person interviewed said when more people married for life and had 2.4 chidlren these will disputes didn't arise. Now there might be two sets of step children or a new wife 20 years younger than the father's son (in one example) who is left all the money for her life and only then the son if he survives her which is unlikely if he's 20 years older than the new wife....e tc

TheArsenicCupCake · 10/04/2010 17:25

Xenia this is why I have a will where everything is left to my dc's, with dh having living rights and a fund for him if I die. It would be very easy for him to remarry and my dc's not to get much out of it at all. ( even though dh Is older than me).
I work hard, save hard and go careful with money for my dc's not for a subsiquent ( sp) wife.

CheekyVimtoGal · 10/04/2010 17:29

Yes he did know what i was earning and i know what he earns and what he will be earning on his new job. I dont understand when some couples have seperate money, my sister does it. I just dont get it

twopeople · 10/04/2010 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Xenia · 10/04/2010 18:10

The will to the children is fine (although do be aware that if you support a spouse I think and you leave them out of a will they can make an application for monies from the estate but hopefully the lawyer who did your will talked about that).

fernie3 · 10/04/2010 18:18

I am a SAHM at the moment so he obviously knows I earn £0! but when I was working I am sure he knew, we have a joint account everything goes in there. He doesnt have much to do with it though I tend to sort out the money, whats going where etc he has never been that interested whereas I am obsessive about how much we spend on this and that etc. If we had seperate accounts then I suppose it would be more difficult as the income would be lopsided to say the least!

Claire236 · 10/04/2010 19:15

dh & I know roughly what each other earns. We have separate accounts & I pay some household bills & he pays others. I pay more because I earn more. He's crap with money & this way I don't have to worry about it as he can do what he likes with the rest of his money as long as he pays his share of the bills. We used to have a joint account & were always arguing about money. If we've got a big household purchase we usually split the cost & when we get bonuses or whatever usually part goes on a joint purchase & we do what we like with the rest.

2old4thislark · 10/04/2010 19:17

We know roughly how much the other earns but not exactly. We pay into a joint account for the bills, food etc. and anything else we earn is our own.

He's in sales so his varies each month and I'm self employed. So if I have a busy money - it's my money - all mine

Any extra expenses we split - we even go halves when we eat out .

We DO talk about money and don't keep secrets. We have our own savings which gives a little protection if anything should go wrong.

My first marriage my ex-h took care of the money and was secretive. I'm happy with the way do things and I wouldn't change it..

EcoLady · 10/04/2010 19:19

We both know what we both earn. We split all household finances in proportion to our incomes. What's left over is our own for personal finance.

I couldn't imagine doing it any other way.

TheArsenicCupCake · 10/04/2010 19:26

Thanks xenia.. Yeah all very tied up and sorted out and what could happen discussed, It was quite a complicated job tbh.. Sounds quite mean but dh has a similar will as we both have dc's from previous marriages.
Wills though are a whole other thread lol

Claire236 · 10/04/2010 19:32

The will thing is interesting to me because dh has a daughter from before we met & we've since had 2 children together. Neither of us have wills.

CarrieDaBabi · 10/04/2010 19:50

yes, everything we have is shared, thats the ways it's always been.
i do really believe in everything i have i share with you and whats mine is yours and yours is mine, part of the marriage vows

imo, and only my personal opinion it's not really a real partnership unless you share things equally.

TheArsenicCupCake · 10/04/2010 19:58

Clare this is probably the one big money issue dh and I talked about, and agreed upon. The dc's are the most important factor, along with making sure you partner has somewhere to live and some money to help them along.
We used the family solicitor who deals with my familys finances etc.
My advice would be to have a chat with dh see what you both want and get a good solicitor to write a will.
You'll want to look at issues like who will be trustees and how old the dc's are, and provisions for them until they reach the age you set before the get any moneies etc, if you die when they are still children. But a good solicitor will guide you through it.

Xenia · 10/04/2010 20:55

If you don't have wills and are married with chidlren if you've £250k or under it will all go to the surviving spouse. But people have houses worth more than that.If you're over half of the rest goes to the children - so that would be yourpartner's child from his first family and the 2 new children - a third each and the other half of over £250k to you for your life but then to those 3 children.
It's still better to make a will though.

My own view is all genetic children of someone should be treated the same from whichever family on death although some may need the money in trust if they are under 18. As for the second husband I suppose people just have to reach agreement and make a will about how much goes to the surviving spouse and how much the first family.

SalFresco · 10/04/2010 21:09

DH and I share all our money and have always done so - but we have been together since we were tennagers, and it made sense to pool our funds. Nowadays, I am in charge of the money - and DH is happy with it. Some of our friends think our arrangement is odd, but I think becuase we didn't meet as financially independent adults, it is fine for us.

dobbyssocks · 10/04/2010 21:10

Before I was SAHM yes of course and vice versa. I had a colleague who had no idea what her dh earned and I found that bizarre.

SalFresco · 10/04/2010 21:10

teenagers

NonnoMum · 10/04/2010 21:16

Of blinking course.
We each get paid into our own accounts, and then each have a SO into the joint account for bills and kids stuff.
How can you not know how much each other earns? Why would you keep it from each other?
(Saying that, I once heard of a relationship where the man had no idea of his wife's age!!)

schroeder · 10/04/2010 21:35

No, I know exactly how much he earns though. It suits me that way; I don't earn much, but what I have is mine.

EggyAllenPoe · 10/04/2010 21:43

i know what he earns, and he knows what i earn - essential household budgeting knowledge.

Rebeccaj · 11/04/2010 00:07

Yes, we both know everything, but then in this house all monies are ours, not his and mine. Everything goes into the joint bank account and there is never, has never been, any "this is yours, this is mine" etc. We are married, we have children, we are a team, a partnership, money included.

Of course, I appreciate that that is an easy approach to take when money is not short. if you have to budget carefully, I can see that it might be preferable to have more control!

Quattrocento · 11/04/2010 00:11

No. Dh announced 17 years ago that we should put household money into a joint account and each have our own accounts for our own stuff.

DH is a good man, but I suspect that he was motivated by the fact that he earned twice what I did.

He doesn't tell me what he earns. But I'm pretty sure that it's around a third of what I earn now.

Live by the sword ....

Quattrocento · 11/04/2010 00:19

Rewinding a bit - but oblomov mentioned that some form (a ctc form) disclosed earnings. What is a ctc form?

nooka · 11/04/2010 00:38

We started with separate accounts, and then had a joint account because we were always transferring money from one account to the other, and before internet banking that was a real pain. The joint account was convenient, but it caused no end of trouble, as we do have different views on money (dh tends to live more for now than I do) and I felt totally out of control, and then dh made some really stupid decisions. So I said that enough was enough, and from then on we could each look after our own money, and both be responsible about making sensible decisions. dh and I have been together since we were 19, so we did lots of growing up together!

I couldn't imagine not knowing what money was coming into the household though, that would make me very worried. I guess it's different if you are really wealthy, or if your partner is a saver not a spender, so you are confident that there will always be enough.

Xenia · 11/04/2010 09:22

I suspect CTC is child tax credit and that neither Q or I earn little enough to get tax credits.

On divorec (but only for the married) whoever's names things are in debts and savings are pooled.

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