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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does your dh know what you earn?

152 replies

Kathyjelly · 09/04/2010 06:37

Following the thread about whether a SAHM mum should have access to a joint account and see funds as "our money", I just wondered, how many people tell their dh or dp what they earn?

My dp doesn't know and because we have separate accounts I don't think he has any idea.

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 09/04/2010 09:09

Yes. before we had kids we paid the same proportionately into a pot for bills and had the rest for ourselves, when i got pregnant we changed to a normal joint account with everything in and everything out.

We have lots of savings accounts which are separate but TBH i run those and he doesn't even know how to log onto them

I think it's one thing not knowing exactly, but knowing ball park (within about 5K say) but I would think it very odd indeed if someone had literally no idea.

So if I worked in a shop and DH never asked that would be one thing as he would know roughly how much it was. But if I went off to an office doing something like "accountancy" every day and he never asked, I could be on £20K or £200K!! Then it would be odd.

ImSoNotTelling · 09/04/2010 09:10

Actually I really don;t get it because every time you get a pay rise or promotion don't you rush home and tell your OH all about it?

pitterpatterfeet · 09/04/2010 09:13

Yes we regard our money as the family's money not mine and his.

TrillianAstra · 09/04/2010 09:14

Yes. Because we talk. When applying for our most recent jobs we discussed what we thought they might pay, what offers we had got, when I had a pay rise I told him and we celebrated (only a little one but it was nice anyway).

Our setup is like EmmieA's "We both pay a % into a joint accunt where everytung comes out from and the remiander is ours to squander/spend."

mizu · 09/04/2010 09:17

My goodness yes. Just one joint account and everything comes out of that. I tend to control the finances more than DH ie checking the on line account to see how much - or little - we have left til the end of the month!

LaBellaSantaCatarinadiSienna · 09/04/2010 09:18

I have a ball park figure of DH's income from when we bought our house, and I guess he has the same for me. When bought the house we worked out how much we could afford each month and pay that into our joint account. He does earn more than me so will top it up if it gets short towards the end of the month

fluffles · 09/04/2010 09:19

i can never remember to be honest, my DP (soon to be H) gets a salary, bonuses, a car loan and shares.

for things like mortgages he has to use the total amount but then for actual cash in his hand it's less so i get confused.

also, he has debt from before he met me five years ago so he has less available cash than it would appear from his salary.

we have a split of household expenses we're happy with and that'll do for now. if my income is going to change we'll have to look at it in more detail.

Hulababy · 09/04/2010 09:21

My DH knows exactly what I earn and it goes into our joint account. Likewise, I know what he earns and that also goes into the joint account.

I would find it very strange for us to not know such information about one another. But then I also find it strange when established couples in full relationships don't share money and have one main pot for the main financial stuff anyway. Maybe I am justa bit olf fashioned. I can't see how ou can make household decisions about stuff without both parties knowing what the overall financial situation is.

upahill · 09/04/2010 09:21

Yes but he keeps forgetting!!!

BigBadMummy · 09/04/2010 09:23

Yes. We both know exactly what the other earns. At the moment I get a daily rate and he is out of work so is earning nothing.

We do have savings and have joint accounts.

All bills come out of that, including everything for my 3 DCs. Even when I wasn't working everything came out of the joint account which meant DH was paying for my DCs when they aren't even his.

Swings and roundabouts in this house as to who is earning but it is all open and discussed.

TheFallenMadonna · 09/04/2010 09:27

We have one joint account, so no secrets. But when we were re-mortgaging recently he did have to ask...

notquitenormal · 09/04/2010 09:29

No and he doesn't know what he earns either. We have one pot of money that I look after. I've tried to get him involved but he just panics and blanks everything I say.

I try to tell him he should know in case anything ever happens to me, but he just panics even more then.

It is very irritating.

emsyj · 09/04/2010 09:30

Yes, DH probably knows better than I do what I earn net each month as he monitors the bank account and I never ever look at it and we don't get paper pay slips here any more - have to access them online, and I never do that either! All my salary and all his salary (he works for himself but pays himself a monthly salary plus annual dividends) goes into a joint current account, then from there DH is very organised about having various joint savings accounts which he pays into regularly and also we each have a cash ISA every year, which he organises. DH is very anal about money and knows exactly what is coming in and going out each month and he plans meticulously. I wouldn't have him any other way. We always speak openly about money. I will shortly be going off on maternity leave with first DC and so it is essential for both of us to know how much we have, how much we'll need and what we can spend each month once I am on SMP. We have shared everything equally (including my humoungous student debts, which we paid off together) since we bought our first house together and I can't imagine doing things any other way.

theQuibbler · 09/04/2010 09:33

No. I expect he's got a rough idea, but he doesn't know the details.

I've got more of an idea of what he earns, but as we don't have joint bank accounts or any of that, it's not actually necessary.

I earn more than him, so we just sort of roughly work out a bigger proportion of bills or expenses, such as NI contributions for the nanny, etc., that I need to pay, and then the rest, such as groceries or clothes, we sort of muddle through.

I keep meaning to set up a household account for both of us for bills and stuff. But I would never have a joint banking account. Works for lots of people, but it wouldn't work at all for me.

Sassybeast · 09/04/2010 09:34

Finanaces are not my strong point and DH does all the admin bill paying type stuff. My wages can vary significantly from month to month but I get paid a month in arrears so I have a rough idea and let him know and when I've accounted for the monthly essentials which I pay for (food, childcare) the rest of my wages go into a joint account and DH pays off the credit card etc. I actually do find the notion of not knowing what your husnand or wife earns quite strange - how doe you budget for things ?

emsyj · 09/04/2010 09:36

Why does the idea of a joint account make you shudder, theQuibbler? Genuine question, I am really curious!

Morloth · 09/04/2010 09:39

Yep, nothing at all at the moment, but we only have joint accounts so everything gets pooled together. Also when I am considering a contract we discuss it before I take it and the money offered needs to be balanced against the increased costs of my working (i.e. new suits, travel, childcare etc)

Sassybeast · 09/04/2010 09:40

Notquite normal - do his wages not go into the one pot of money ?

strawberrykate · 09/04/2010 09:40

Kathy- sorry didn't mean that you are mean! Just wondering what th enorm is. Yes, if they're in their twenties it's time for them to be a little less dependent anyway.

jeansnolongerfit · 09/04/2010 09:41

Yes, I earn £10,000 (approx) teaching part-time. I also work in our business together but I dont really receive a regular salary except when the accountant does the accounts.
Everything paid out of my account, he is hopeless and I was sick of non-payments or him going overdrawn. I just write a cheque whenever I need it to cover the expenses coming out of my account.
We are in the process of getting a joint bank account but finding it hard to actually get to a bank at the same time (without children). I want the joint account as evidence of being a couple, we are not married, so just in case something ever happens.

I have a friend who has separate accounts with her partner, so much so that when they go out as a couple they pay separately . She is now on ML and they still run separate accounts - MADNESS. I did read the other thread about this yesterday, can't believe the 'handover'/asking for money situation. Would drive me insane!! (although you could say that's what my partner has to do when his account runs low!

MCDL · 09/04/2010 09:41

Kathjelly, I to have a DP and dd, he has two other children one of whom is in school and still dependant financially.

We have a joint account which we both put into, household, creche and outings together. He has his account and I have mine, what I buy for myself comes out of mine, what he buys for himself comes out of his, also his car payment, his previous debts, his daughter. It works well.

My house is rented, the rent pretty much covers the mortgage, anything to do with this comes from me, his family home has no mortgage but he does get half of a rental income from a business below family home which pays for daughters school and will next year for college. It works well, but only recently, we are lucky we have two incomes, his a lot more than mine, I only work part time.

Original poster
Kathyjelly · 09/04/2010 09:56

MCDL. Thanks for that. Im glad I'm not the only one.

It's just a balancing act when there are complicated family structures and different priorities. Glad I'm not the only one.

OP posts:
PandaG · 09/04/2010 09:57

yep, DH knows exactly how much I earn, I know more or less what he does (no secret, just can't remember exactly)

DH is an accountant, is quite happy to run the family finances as well as doing it at work, and I am happy to let him!

We used to do it whoever got home first when the bank statement came did the reconciliation (we used to write all payments in a notebook) but we moved to spreadsheet and online banking years ago which he manages much more quickly than me.

All joint accounts, all shared money, couldn't have it any other way, I earn such a pittance, and we jointly made the decision that I would work pt. As some other posters have said, we always run purchases past each other, not in a getting permission kind of way, but more discussing if we can afford/need it.

I did find it difficult when we were first married, as I was a student and DH was working, as I had been used to being totally responsible for my own money as a student. I felt guilty that I wasn't contributing anything into the pot financially, but needed a new outfit. DH was very clear it was our joint income, and I had to get used to spending it on me!

NoahAndTheWhale · 09/04/2010 09:59

We both know what the other ones earns, although as I do irregular work I don't know exactly what I earn, so I doubt DH does .

But it all goes into the joint account and gets spent accordingly.

DuelingFanjo · 09/04/2010 10:01

yes mine does, though we don't have a joint account.