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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does your dh know what you earn?

152 replies

Kathyjelly · 09/04/2010 06:37

Following the thread about whether a SAHM mum should have access to a joint account and see funds as "our money", I just wondered, how many people tell their dh or dp what they earn?

My dp doesn't know and because we have separate accounts I don't think he has any idea.

OP posts:
bellavita · 09/04/2010 16:16

Yes he knows.. but mine goes into a separate account

All bills, food, clothes whatever is needed comes out of the joint account which is in effect DH's salary. We also have a set amount each month that goes into another account to help pay off the mortgage when we come out of this fixed rate.

Mine goes into a separate account which is actually in my name only but this used for holidays etc so it isn't touched all the time.

rocknstroll · 09/04/2010 16:21

wha a hilarious question! of course he knows what i earn. we are running a family together and all of our income is considered joint and we both have equal access to it. cannot imagine there is any debate over whether SAHM should consider DPs money joint money - would walk out, slam door and never return if was SAHM and dp thought i shouldn;t have access to his money! only complete tosspots would behave like that!

beanpot · 09/04/2010 21:14

we've had 1 account for 17 years, since we moved in together, all goes into 1 pot, all comes out of 1 pot..easy.

Surely its a partnership not a commercial proposition...why on earth would you keep it separate?

pointydog · 09/04/2010 21:16

He does but he'll have forgotten. we have separate accounts

101damnations · 09/04/2010 21:29

No-I just asked him and he doesn't know.However I didn't know until I worked it out earlier-I'm self employed,so it fluctates.We have seperate accounts because I like it that way,the mortgage was calculated using just dh's income in case I decided to be a SAHM.All our savings are in my name because he hasn't gotten around to setting up ISAs ect.I only know what he earns because he told me that he got a pay rise recently,otherwise I'd only have a rough idea.It has worked well for us for 15 years so I'm not about to change it.

bluejeans · 09/04/2010 21:47

No - it's not a secret but equally not smething we discuss. We have separate accounts and also a joint acount for all household expenses. I earn more and pay for the car and childcare on top of what I put into the joint account.

my parents had (still have) a joint account and were in a similar siutuation to cranbury - my dad is very frugal and my mum has always had to justify any spending - I'd hate that. DH and I have every different spending habits and our set-up suits us perfectly. It doesn't mean our relationship is incompatible

foureleven · 09/04/2010 22:44

I dont really know why we keep it separate exactly. We spoke breifly once about how if we have separate accounts and we want to treat each other, we can do so in secret.

Also, both he and his ex wife and me and my ex partner used to argue about money so although we both no really that are relationship is very different, maybe its a case of why tempt fate?

also my parents had a joint account and mum was frugal, dad was a spend thrift, they used to fight about it a lot!

I dont think any one of those reasons is a big reason. But those things together with the fact that its always worked for us, just means thats how it stays.

If we were ever unhappy with it I guess it would be reviewed..?

I dont think it hurts to have somethings separate even if youre married, if it suits the pair of you.

Does anyone else find it odd when couples go as far as to share an email address?

KristinaM · 09/04/2010 22:46

what rock and stroll said

CHOOGIRL · 09/04/2010 22:55

Nope, he has no clue and isn't interested.

I think he read somewhere that disputes over finances were No 1 cause of couples splitting up so we agreed years ago that I would manage all the finances. He is not bothered about the detail, I just tell him where to sign, or if he need to move any funds from a - b. Works for us, and we've never had a row about money.

gibbberish · 09/04/2010 22:59

Yep. To the penny. We run our own business and I have to account for my wages. And his.

Even before we had our business though we knew exactly what one another earned.

MiniEggsAndMarmite · 09/04/2010 23:02

We have separate accounts but we know how much the other earns - helps us plan for spending/saving/investing.

Nettiespagetti · 09/04/2010 23:07

Same as gibbberish own business and as I do payroll as well as mil we all know what each other earn.

I'm not good with finances so every couple of months I sit down with him to work out where everything is going. We have joint acct for bills and house stuff and srperate accounts for other stuff.

elru · 09/04/2010 23:08

I am dreading having to work with dh again -for the last 3 years he thinks i earn £150 less per month then I do - I keep my payslips at work. My mother in law also told me to always keep a small stash of a couple of hundred in savings for when things are tight as men never really understand how much underwear/toiletries/tampons realy cost - and that you and kids sometimes NEED stuff at financially inconvienient times - best advice I have ever had! My DH never really got why I appear to buy so many bras through pregnancty and then afterwards nursing bras - he kept acting like I was being extravagant (I have 4 nursing bras! Thats it!). Bless him.

ClaireDeLoon · 09/04/2010 23:17

Nope, he doesn't. I know how much he earns (he's self employed, I do his tax returns) but that is in retrospect, I don't monitor what he earns. I earn a 5/6 multiple of what he does and I assume he knows that but not exactly how much gross or monthly net. It might be different if we were more closely matched in earnings but as budgeting isn't very important as long as the bills are paid we just let it wash over our heads really.

wonka · 09/04/2010 23:20

Yes and he thinks its hiarious! wouldn't get out of bed...

midlandsmumof4 · 09/04/2010 23:49

He knows what I earn & I know what he earns. All money goes into joint account & all bills are paid out of it. He has no access cos he's really crap with money. I draw a fixed amount out every week and give him an agreed amount to do with as he pleases. Works for us.......

scottishmummy · 10/04/2010 00:04

he knows what i earn,i know what he earns.why not

Manda25 · 10/04/2010 10:32

OP you are not alone. I have been with my partner for 9 years we have one child together (I also have another child). We both work full time and neither of us knows what the other earns or how much saving the other has.
We spoke about money years ago and decided that i would pay for house hold bills and he would pay for food, the kids clubs and puts £200 a month into my account (this works out pretty equally). We haven't had any reason to talk about it again. For luxury items we take it in turns to pay ...again this works out pretty equally. Anything we have left over is our own.

If i want to buy something - i just buy it - no discussions. I couldn't imagine having to discuss wanting to spend 200 on a wii or something.

I have a lot of friends who have joint money and when we all go out the men pay for the 'rounds' of drinks - i always give my OH £50 (or what ever) before we go out so we can 'be' like everyone else...maybe that is a bit odd

TheArmadillo · 10/04/2010 11:03

Not sure whether dh knows what I earn or not or any of our incomings/outgoings. He is a 'bury head in sand' type person when it comes to money. I have access to all our accounts and deal with all money related issues. If dh wants anything apart from groceries/bus fares then he asks me whether he can spend it.

This works cos we're both happy with it. All money and resources are pooled and dh has access to all accounts/statements etc any time he wanted to look at them though hell would freeze over first.

If he wants to e.g. go out for an evening he tells me in advance, I budget for it and tell him how much he can take out. He trusts me and knows I would never deny him anything if I could give it to him.

We were 18 when we first lived together. I was a student and dh's wages were shit. I ended up bailing him out so many times cos he was crap with money. So I gradually took over all money stuff and he was grateful to not have the responsibility.

We've always been on a low income though and once ds came along you cannot afford to run out of money for food or not pay the rent so one of us has to be responsible.

motherinferior · 10/04/2010 16:02

I find the idea that I am somehow responsible for debts accrued by another competent, intelligent adult absurd.

And not all my goals are 'joint goals' with the father of my children. Like I say, we're independent adults. Quite bright ones (even if I am mean with money and he is hopeless with it). Sometimes - shock horror - one of us applies for a job without informing the other one first.

welliebootsgalore · 10/04/2010 16:09

I am a SAHM so cannot really answer but I know what my parents do seems very strange to me.

My Dad is retired and my mum is still working. He controls all the finances and does all their banking online ( including managing the money my mum earns). She has no idea how to even access her accounts or how much money she has as my dad controls it all. I find that very odd tbh but that's how my Dad is.

blueshoes · 10/04/2010 16:25

I'm with you, MI.

Married later in life with my own career and investments. When I looked into his finances I realised I had to make a few adjustments to regularise some slightly odd financial decisions on his part before he met me.

I now do all the budgeting in the family and decide how much each contributes to the joint account. What is in our separate sole accounts is up to us to spend and invest. I don't monitor his and he does not monitor mine.

What I earn is no big secret. He probably has a good idea. I know what he earns and ask to see his pay slips sometimes, for budgeting adjustments.

Anyway, no way will I put all my money into a joint account. I feel quite strongly that women should have money of their own stashed away somewhere, should their partners prove to be feckless ... however much they may love or trust their partners.

My first thought is my dcs and the financial ability to protect them, if need be.

JaneS · 10/04/2010 16:33

motherinferior, did someone say you were responsible for someone else's debts?

emsyj · 10/04/2010 16:53

Quote: "I find the idea that I am somehow responsible for debts accrued by another competent, intelligent adult absurd. "

Um, where on this thread has anyone at all suggested that you are responsible for anyone's debts???? Must have missed that one....

DH and I paid off my student debts together because it was something he wanted to help me with and I didn't ever ask him to. However, given that my debts were used to "purchase" an education which enabled me to get a very well-paid job as a lawyer in the City, I suppose it is objectively probably quite fair that he participated in paying them off, as the salary I earned as a result in turn enabled him to go freelance and start up his own business with the security of knowing that my earnings were sufficient to support us both if he was not successful or had periods of being out of work. Also, my bonus the year before we got married paid for our wedding pretty much in full so technically I suppose you could say I 'paid' for that. So it's swings and roundabouts. However, I don't believe anyone (including me) has suggested for a moment that this is something YOU ought to do, or that would be appropriate for all couples regardless of circumstances...

TheArsenicCupCake · 10/04/2010 17:06

No. But then being s/e I earn different amounts all the time. He knows what a charge per hour or per commission.
I am the main wage earner, if I'm saving for something, I just pull in more work.
Dh has responsibility for a couple of smaller bills.. Long as they are paid. I don't care what he earns.

But think it comes from having been a single mum.