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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does your dh know what you earn?

152 replies

Kathyjelly · 09/04/2010 06:37

Following the thread about whether a SAHM mum should have access to a joint account and see funds as "our money", I just wondered, how many people tell their dh or dp what they earn?

My dp doesn't know and because we have separate accounts I don't think he has any idea.

OP posts:
JaneS · 09/04/2010 12:24

Fair enough, upahill. I just can't get my mind around the idea of not knowing! Perhaps it's because DP and I have such similar amounts, that might be the reason.

JaneS · 09/04/2010 12:25

DP has about 30k debt, which pre-dates me being with him. I don't pay it off, but I know it's there and how much he's paying towards it (and he knows how much student loan I'll be liable for once I'm earning enough to pay it back).

foureleven · 09/04/2010 12:29

Yes.

Although I do earn commission and I dont go in to detail every month of exactly how much extra I get, but he knows roughly as it will usually pay for some kind of family purchase.

I dont think Id be too bothered if we didnt know though. We have separate accounts so it seems more relevent that we each know how much each other has after essential out goings rather than what our basic salary is... and we work it out so that 'pocket money' amount we each have left is roughly the same.

Works happily for us

Gay40 · 09/04/2010 13:09

I honestly do think compatability with money issues is one of the makers/breakers to a relationship.
I could never be with someone who was overly tight/cautious, and who watched every bloody penny. Nor could I be with someone who thought debt was OK or who had a credit card habit. Neither would we dream of questioning each other's spending habits, although large purchases are always discussed. Not permission, more like can we generally afford it/what are your thoughts etc

upahill · 09/04/2010 13:09

LittleRed.... I know roughly I just can't pin point it to the excat thousand IYSWIM because it varies so much with him being self employed.

Blimey 30K of debt. I think I would have run a mile if somebody came to me with that.That amount would have huge implications on family life. (Well in the Upahill household anyway!)

emsyj · 09/04/2010 13:16

Well I had £30k worth of debt (entirely student debt from university and law school) when I met DH and it has had zero impact on us and was all paid off within a couple of years. I wouldn't be keen on getting entangled with someone who had £30k worth of 'consumer' debt on credit cards, car loans etc, but some types of debt are different IMO. Also your own situation is relevant - we were both young and single when we met, so it was fairly easy to get it paid off before we got married and decided to start a family. We don't have any debt now other than mortgage.

said · 09/04/2010 13:21

Mine doesn't but that's through lack of interest not secrecy.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 09/04/2010 13:21

Those of you with separate accounts, you've pretty much all decided what your contribution to household expenses is and what's left over is yours, yes?

What do you do with that money? Assuming it's more than basic disposable income for spending on fripperies, I mean. Does it go into a savings account that's just for you?

This is why I don't understand not pooling. I do totally understand the point of keeping some of it separate to avoid arguments over 'did you seriously pay that much for a pair of shoes?'/'you've spent HOW much on football memorabilia?' or whatever. But if you have over and above, how does that not go towards your mutual future?

Everything we have extra goes to jointly owned investments because we have joint goals for the future - we want to move to a nicer house and both of us want to be in a position to downscale our careers by X age, we want to start savings accounts for our children.

That's the bit that confuses me. If you keep money separate, and this is especially in the case of those other threads where the husband is earning high 6 digits and giving his wife a low allowance, what's the extra for?

foureleven · 09/04/2010 13:56

Tortoise; the bit we save (not a lot incidentially, very naughty) is included in the essential expenses bit, like rent/ bills or whatever.

The what is left bitis our pin money or pocket money if you like It goes on (scratches head wondering where it does actually all go) coffees out, lunch, tickets to places we all go to, treats for each other or the kids, clothes, CDs (him) make up (me), cinema, car parks, shoes, nights out for us etc etc. That sounds incredibly lavish, we don?t buy all those things very often!

If it?s a family purchase we roughly take turns using our ?pin money? for it. If its something for ourselves we?ll buy it with our own pin money or ill often buy things for him ,and he for me.

We have never once argued about money or begrudged each other anything so it really works well for us. It wouldn?t suit every circumstance though and I think if one of us didn?t work we would have to have shared account.

JenniPenni · 09/04/2010 13:56

Joint bank accounts = total transparency with my DH... and we see exactly what the other earns. Just the way I like it.

upahill · 09/04/2010 14:11

Dh could see how much I earned at any time. I'm forever leaving my wage slips around and he is forever picking up after me saying for gods sake put these some where safe!!'

JaneS · 09/04/2010 14:24

upahill, it's not that bad - it's debt from 3 years at university as a non-EU student and there's no interest on any of it. It would be different if he'd run it up buying rubbish off credit cards, I grant you. Also, like emsyj I have around 12k of my own from my undergraduate degree. Btw, emsyj, it is really cheering to know someone who had that much and cleared it!

Ah well ... we'll clear it one day, I'm sure.

AbsOfCroissant · 09/04/2010 14:26

He knows my gross salary and bonuses etc., as I'm a blabber mouth and tell him. I know the same for him, as at present he's very bitter about it (no pay rise in three years, despite being promoted). We don't know what each person's monthly income is. I have a lot of student debt, and I don't think I've told him how much it is, but he does know how much of my income goes towards paying it off. I know that he has lots of savings, but then again, I don't know exactly how much.

sarah293 · 09/04/2010 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JaneS · 09/04/2010 14:32

Ooh - Riven, that's just reminded me how nice it is not to be accounting for bloody bog roll! Another upside to living with DP to chalk up.

vanitypear · 09/04/2010 14:34

mine knows roughly, not exactly - his disinterest is in large part due to the fact its so insignificant next to his

emsyj · 09/04/2010 14:42

It can be done, LittleRedDragon, if you're tightfisted careful. I finished law school in 2003 and had paid off all my student debts before Christmas 2007.

JaneS · 09/04/2010 14:57

Wow! Now that's impressive.

StealthPolarBear · 09/04/2010 15:29

yes, I can understand not wanting to take on someone else's debt I suppose - but if you are married, planning to be a partnership for life, surely you both want to pay off the debt as fast as possible, so you can both have a better lifestyle?

JaneS · 09/04/2010 15:34

Stealth, I don't pay off his debt atm because he's now earning 50 quid per month more than my grant, so he pays 50 quid per month (drop in the ocean I know) towards the debt. We can't afford any more - a student grant is not especially generous.

If I suddenly hooked a brilliant job with loads of money, obviously we'd start paying off debt.

StealthPolarBear · 09/04/2010 15:44

yes, that is kind of what I mean. Jointly you've decided what you can afford, and if either situation changed then the payment would change. I don't get the "their debt, their problem" attitude (unless you have a problem with the other person running up debts you can't afford iyswim)

JaneS · 09/04/2010 15:46

Oh yes, got you.

pagwatch · 09/04/2010 15:48

yes. The carers allowance is no secret.
I am a bit vague on what he earns but it all goes into our accounts and i 'own' one of them and have access to all of them

Oblomov · 09/04/2010 16:08

This is a joke right ?
What sort of dh or dp doesn't know what they've wife earns.
We have one account. we fill in ctc forms which state our annual pay.

Nancy66 · 09/04/2010 16:15

We have separate bank accounts.

we don't keep them secret or anything - he can see mine if he wants and I can see his - although I don't think either of us bothers.

We're both self employed with variable earnings. We'll talk openly about our fees for certain projects but neither knows exactly what the other earns.