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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for more money

246 replies

lucyvic · 07/04/2010 13:17

My partner gives me 700 pound a month.We have a 3yrd old and a 3 month year old.This is to provide all groceries for the family,petrol mobile phone for me.All kids clothes and activties.
I dont have any outside hobbies or vices that cost money but the money goes and I find it just a bit difficult to manage on.What does the average family of 4 need to live on !?

OP posts:

foureleven · 07/04/2010 20:10

The problem here as I can see is not hat she cant manage on that money, many manage on less. But more than that she feels hard done by, that she is being treated unfairly because he has a lifestyle that is far more lavish than her despite the fact that they should be a family.

It seems on here there are lots of people who do have allowances and have perfectly respectful relationships and this works for them.

Then there are those who are allowing their partner to dictate how much they should be given and who allow this on grounds that their husband earns the money so he holds the purse strings or that they are incapable of managing their own finances. IMHO these are the attitudes that set women's rights back about 60 years.

I could literally argue the finer points of this for hours and days but the basics are if you are in what both yourself and your partner consider and equal relationship then what ever way you work it is fine - it works for you.

OPs way is obviously not woring for her. I would say the fact she has posted on here and that her partners leads a more lavish lifestyle than her, that would suggest he wont hapily give her more money.

schroeder · 07/04/2010 20:25

Well I think £700 is a bit tight if he earns enough to give you more. We have a similar system and I don't think it's degrading

Have a chat with him and say prices have gone up and the amount needs to increase to reflect this. job done

If this arrangement suits you both then don't let anyone else tell you it is wrong. Some people just could not cope with someone else, anyone else having access to their money and I'm sorry it is his money. Of course he has a responsibility to support you and your children and not to keep you short.

ruddynorah · 07/04/2010 20:25

OP -how did you and your DP arrive at the £700 figure? is it based on a percentage of his income or is it what's left from his income after his expenses or is it worked out based on your outgoings? do you know his income and his outgoings?

fwiw i'm managing on about £700 a month on maternity leave, which is half my normal income. this comprises £450 statuatory maternity pay, £80 child tax credit, and £130 child benefit.

however, i also have my annual bonus to dip into when i need a frivolous spend. and dh pays anything that requires a cheque, so swimming lessons, gymnastics, etc. i pay for all groceries, everything for the children (4 months and 4 yrs) and everything for me including my car.

vanitypear · 07/04/2010 20:29

Sorry - can't answer what the average family live on as I expect that varies considerably. But I agree this system is wrong. You should have access to all his salary for family requirements. If he wants to keep a bit by for personal requirements that's fine, but you should be entitled to the same arrangement too.

cedricdoris1 · 07/04/2010 20:30

I would suggest that you are most definitely not being given what you are entitled to you, with your partner's agreement, have decided to stay at home whilst your children are young and he should support you fully in all ways - including financially - you need to find strength and courage and tackle this issue. My ex-husband gave me just £50 per week cash in my hand which was given to me on a Sunday night, hard to believe I know but I just accepted it for 6 years. Needless to say he is now my ex (for other reasons too!).

brogan2 · 07/04/2010 20:30

Schroeder, NO, it may legally be his money as they aren't married but it certainly isn't morally his money. No way!

They are in a partnership. They share out working and childcare duties as they see fit. Doesn't matter who does what. It is their money.

morningpaper · 07/04/2010 20:32

All the money should go into a joint account

Then take out an equal amount of "pocket money" for you to spend on your own personal hobbies

Anything else is outrageous IMO

starkadder · 07/04/2010 20:33

From the title, I thought this was going to be about asking your employer for a payrise.

Your relationship with your partner should not be the same as your relationship with an employer.

I am also uncomfortable with the idea of "housekeeping money". I earn more than DH and I can't imagine giving him money like that. I would find it humiliating and so would he. If the tables were turned, and you were the one earning the money, would you feel comfortable giving him an "allowance"?

That said - if you were both happy with it, then fine. And Fab - I think your situation sounds different - you guys sound like you share out what you have evenly, even though not via the means of a joint account.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 20:39

has OP scarpered ?

caughtinafog · 07/04/2010 20:41

My DH earns over £100k & 'gives' me about £800 a month. However, I am an 'employee' of his.

He was 'paying' me a lower rate & wanted me to pay for groceries etc out of the joint account. I refused because this made me feel like a kept women. £800 a month is plenty - £400+ on food (mostly organic) 2 dc, 1 cat, chickens. I pay for the DC's stuff & if I need some more I squirel it away from the joint accont.

He pays all mortgage (we are trying to pay it off), holidays etc. He did suggest I might pay for the odd meal out, but i told him where to go .

I too am a fritterer (sales/ebay) but since my 'payrise' I've cut down a bit.

morningpaper · 07/04/2010 20:42

that's really hideous

schroeder · 07/04/2010 20:45

brogan2 Has it ever occurred to you that you are wrong?
Different things suit different people.

morningpaper · 07/04/2010 20:49

Brogan isn't wrong

I've checked

EmilyStrange · 07/04/2010 20:51

There still seems to be so many people out there who regard the work of a SAHM as meriting nothing. Some have said well my dp earns the money so it is up to him how he spends it or something similar. Yet nannies earn a salary, yet housekeepers earn a slary, yet cleaners earn a salary and social secretaries, teachers and a whole bunch of professions that engage in similar work to SAHM are deemed worthy enough to receive a salary.

FFS get a grip if you must organise yourself according to this archaic monetary structure then at least work out your spreadsheet based on the hours you work and the type of labour involved rather than on what your outgoings are. Base your hourly rate on your DP's hourly rate and then you might find you deserve a fuck of a lot more than what he is giving you. If you must act like an employee then demand the rights of an employee. And above all sort out your wills so you receive a pension like any other loyal employee.

Until all SAHMs or part-time working mums or whatever respect themselves and their role in society it will be a heck of a long time before everyone else does too.

Tanga · 07/04/2010 20:52

I think £700 is ample for the expenses outlined - depends if it is part of an agreed budget (and just awkwardly put as 'gives me' because OP is struggling to adjust to not earning her own money?)or not. We have no idea how much the partner actually earns and whether he has made any sacrifices due to the reduced budget. Totally agree it is their money, but it's not an inexhaustible fund, presumably, so saying OP is 'entitled' to more seems a bit OTT as the rest of the income might well be being frittered away on the mortgage, bills etc.

morningpaper · 07/04/2010 20:52

agree Emily

frankly if it wasn't an Evil Plan I would seduce one of these women in order to obtain free childcare

caughtinafog · 07/04/2010 20:55

morningpaper are you refering to my situation as hideous ?

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 20:56

yup, I obviously need a wife, not a husband...

brogan2 · 07/04/2010 20:57

Sure, some people like to be treated like skivvies and if that suits you, fine.

Occur to me that I'm wrong? Not on this, not a chance!

morningpaper · 07/04/2010 20:58

Yes caught it's really hideous

Your husband is bringing home "at least" 5k a month and is giving you £800 a month to run the house - money which does not even come out of his own personal money?

It's just unthinkable!

brogan2 · 07/04/2010 20:58

Caughtinafog, yours is a joke post, right?

skidoodly · 07/04/2010 21:00

Emily

I agree. I feel a red mist descent when I read the dreaded "well he earns the money" followed by how that makes it OK for him to

keep it all
not do any housework at all
live the life of a single man
do whatever the fuck he wants whenever he wants
assume the woman will do all the childcare

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 21:04

caughtinafog, what does he pay you for "services rendered" ?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/04/2010 21:10

Caughtinafog - I don't understand all your 'employee', 'payrise' type comments. Does your husband officially employ you or are you applying the terms to your role as SAHM?

So there is £800 to run the house - what about you? How much do you get to spend on yourself?

I find it unbelievable that this level of inequality exists in relationships these days.

ruddynorah · 07/04/2010 21:15

caughtinafog are you actually serious?!

i used to date a man who earned six figures while i earned just under £20k. we didn't last long. certainly not past the night we went for a meal and he said i should leave the tip seeings as he paid for the pre dinner drink

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