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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for more money

246 replies

lucyvic · 07/04/2010 13:17

My partner gives me 700 pound a month.We have a 3yrd old and a 3 month year old.This is to provide all groceries for the family,petrol mobile phone for me.All kids clothes and activties.
I dont have any outside hobbies or vices that cost money but the money goes and I find it just a bit difficult to manage on.What does the average family of 4 need to live on !?

OP posts:
CHOOGIRL · 07/04/2010 21:16

Stepping tentatively onto this thread from my usual haunt of Style & Beauty.

I agree with Xenia which is why I'm happy to work, earn and pay my DP a salary.

I've seen too many of my married friends stay at home dependent upon their husbands for money. In theory it has been 'their' money but when push comes to shove.. I have a friend who has been married for over 20 years. They have 3 children now at Uni. She is currently getting divorced and he has cut her off without a penny. Hidden 'their' funds off-shore. Yes she will get something eventually, but she now has to find a job to earn money. She has not worked for 20 years, what the hell is she going to do. My heart bleeds for her.

porcamiseria · 07/04/2010 21:16

caught, he earns 100K and you get 800pm??? hmmmm

lucyvic. it all depends on how much your husband earns, cannot judge otherwise.

starkadder · 07/04/2010 21:19

But, Choogirl -isn't that just as bad, but the other way round? Not sure why it is any better for the man to be in the dependent "employee" position but I have very possibly misunderstood.

janeite · 07/04/2010 21:20

RuddyNorah - I disagree with your thinking too, I think. If you were dating, rather than 'an item' as it were, then I think that absolutely you should have shared the cost of the date, whatever your salaries.

brogan2 · 07/04/2010 21:23

Choogirl, by talking about 'salary' you are effectively treating your DP like a nanny or housekeeper.

Porcamiseria, the point is, it doesn't matter how much the OP's DP earns. It's the fact that he pays her an allowance ie determines how much she she is allowed to spend that's the problem.

ruddynorah · 07/04/2010 21:24

this was a fair way into the relationship janeite

other factors were that he still lived with his parents, paid them no board, but gave them £500 so they could 'go on holiday'

the guy was an absolute tight wad.

CHOOGIRL · 07/04/2010 21:26

starkadder reading this thread I started to question our set up. I really do pay him a salary with payslip for tax purposes. He is perfectly happy with the set up. I wouldn't be if it was the other way round. It's nice that he trusts me enough to be dependent upon me iyswim.

schroeder · 07/04/2010 21:26

ruddynora Could you not afford to pay for a tip?
Ha ha ha you are all mad for thinking you are entitled to your husband's money for god sake equality swings both ways don't you know.
I earn my own money and spend it how I like and so does dh. This is liberation not degradation.

Women who stay at home living off their dh's until their children leave home are setting themselves up for a fall. They have my pity, but you cannot blame that all on there dhs.

porcamiseria · 07/04/2010 21:28

i dont know, maybe money is mega tight and they prefer to budget? feel a bit mean as I give my SAHM DP a budget too, have just offered him a joint account
he declined.....

cedricdoris1 · 07/04/2010 21:29

schroeder there are some men out there who like to control and manipulate their partners/wives in any way they can to ensure that they do stay at home barefoot and pregnant - witholding money is a very simple way to do this and results in the woman being completely alienated from society

CHOOGIRL · 07/04/2010 21:29

Brogan His job description is Admin Manager. Childcare is not in his job description. He does the childcare because she is child.

ruddynorah · 07/04/2010 21:29

yes i could have paid the tip

but usually when i'm out with friends we just split the bill or take it in turns to pay the lot. we don't go 'well you had a vodka and i only had a beer, and you had an extra side order, but then i had all the bread, so i'll pay £41.67 and you pay £47.98'

but he would

starkadder · 07/04/2010 21:33

It is interesting, choo. I think the trust issue is important. Also I think the reason a lot of us on here are so at women who are given "pin money" by their husbands is because we see it as against all the feminist principles we hold so dear. It looks like women are allowing themselves to be pushed around and controlled by men simply because they've agreed to stay at home and look after the children. However, in a couple where there's a lot of trust and both parties are happy with the arrangement, and there is no power struggle/control issue, then I suppose it's OK.

Also if you're giving him the salary for tax reasons, that changes things, because you're not using money to control him or make yourself the boss - it's presumably because it is the most practical and logical thing to do.

I do think it is a dangerous thing though, and you'd have to be a very strong and confident couple for it to work well.

brogan2 · 07/04/2010 21:37

Schroeder, my DH is a solicitor who works for an international bank. This means he travels a lot with work.

I am also a well educated professional. However, I have put my career on hold as we have young children and we both agreed it would not be fair on them if both of us were working long hours with the added complication of him being away so much.

Therefore, I took a step back. DH, by his own admission would not be able to do what he does if I insisted on continuing on the career path I was on. He cannot do his job and have his children brought up the way he wishes without me. He can only earn what he does because I am (mostly) at home.

So tell me again how what he earns is his money???

caughtinafog · 07/04/2010 21:39

Please don't make assumptions.

My DH does not bring home £5k a month. He is self-employed & pays us both the same figure, which is a tax efficient sum.

He pays the bills & the mortgage, which is in joint names. He is paying £60k off the mortgage this month...I earn more this way than when I worked part-time & of course I am being a full-time mum. We don't fritter our cash, I don't use a mobile phone, but we do have an expensive house in a good area.

I look after us & he earns the money. He considers us equal.

So in answer to the OP, I think £700 is fine - if you're not happy, then speak to DP.

porcamiseria · 07/04/2010 21:40

i disagree, if you are managing money and living within a budget whats wrong with a standing order every month? If both partners are happy with it, and see it as a fair deal, then its a budget issue not a gender/control issue

I suspect many operate quite happily this way

the problem is, when people are NOT happy, ie the OP

CHOOGIRL · 07/04/2010 21:44

Interesting brogan. I also work for an international bank and travel a lot with work. I knew I would be uncomfortable being dependent upon DP so he took a step back. Different strokes eh

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 21:46

where is the OP, btw ?

brogan2 · 07/04/2010 21:47

Not really, what I was saying is that one of you often takes a step back. It doesn't matter which one. However, the one who takes the step back should not be made to feel inferior or reliant on financial handouts.

Also, I have no intention of staying at home until my children fly the nest. As soon as it it reasonable to do so, I will restart my career.

porcamiseria · 07/04/2010 21:54

caught, fair enough! The first post was a bit odd, the second make sense!

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 21:57

caught, if you don't want people to make assumptions then be clearer in the first place

caughtinafog · 07/04/2010 22:01

porcamiseria

Anyfucker - Oh, pardon I

EmilyStrange · 07/04/2010 22:15

Someone mentioned on another thread, I think it was about feminism that the real issue was capitalism. She was so right and this thread sums it up. I can't remember exactly what she said but it was very pertinent to this conversation. I don't know if any of you remeember or were the one who said it.

gaelicsheep · 07/04/2010 22:23

Until I read the OP about three times over I assumed this was about an ex-partner. Sounds an odd situation that you'd have to prove to him that you need more money tbh. Having said that we have about £400 a month for the things you mention, although admittedly it covers few clothes and no activities. We just have a 3 year old but a 3 month old costs next to nothing, except for nappies.

CHOOGIRL · 07/04/2010 22:23
Confused