To ask for more money

[lucyvic]

My partner gives me 700 pound a month.We have a 3yrd old and a 3 month year old.This is to provide all groceries for the family,petrol mobile phone for me.All kids clothes and activties.
I dont have any outside hobbies or vices that cost money but the money goes and I find it just a bit difficult to manage on.What does the average family of 4 need to live on !?

Just realised how long a couple of my sentences were...phew!

The point, lovchoc, it that with a joint account, a SAHM has equal access to all household incomeon entry into their account. She does not need to be given a set amount by her DH/DP.

I still do not understand why you would go to all the faff involved and yes, I still think it is a completely unacceptable situation for a SAHM to be in.

Id be asking here - given that she doesnt have access to the family funds - does she have her name on the house, on her car, on any of the investments or is she basically just staying in a life which belongs to him and which he could tip her out of at any point with minimal disruption to himself?

Not implying that the man in question would do that, by any means, but if it was me I would want to be sure he was serious about a long term family and believe me, signature on marriage certificates and title deeds do a lot more to keep you warm than the biggest protestations of love.

I think what I mean is, Id want proof one way or another he was serious about it all.

"Sorry to say this, but people will treat you in life how you allow them to"

So true.

where is OP, come back!

Iam in my late 30's i have had a big career,got a degree, travelled loads etc.Had my freedom and financially too.

But being a SAHM is great and one of the best periods in my life! I want to be caring for the kids whilst there are little.

But yes it is financially limiting.
When first one was born I worked in evenings bar/waitressing (nothing like my career!)as didnt want to miss out on baby in the day.And I will likely do this again in a few months time.

Everyones position is different.

I feel if there was a joint account everything would be questioned i.e the odd coffee.

Thanks for your feedback it has spurred me on to address the situation without feeling unreasonable!

And this too shall pass!

Why would you want to be with someone who questioned the odd coffee unless you were really struggling financially?

People who question every pound (unless things are seriously tight) are just uptight and weird IMVHO.

Why on earth should he question every coffee? Do you quiz him on what he spends?

But if that really is an issue, then use the joint account for family expenses and give yourselves 'pocket money' accounts that are private to each of you.

just because the majority of couples put all their money each month into a joint account doesn't mean that has to be the case for EVERY couple. Try and see it that everyone has a different financial set up and one isn't necessarily better than the other...
It may suit some couples but for others like myself I'm quite happy with the situation as it is and DH does not question what I spend the money on because I'm not frivilous and will only spend money where I see fit.

The OP doesn't come across as being distressed by it either - realising that sometimes in life sacrifices in life have to be made.

I do agree with others though that not being married can land you in difficulties financially if things go a bit pear-shaped. That's mainly the reason we got married - for legal reasons.

And the OP doesn't appeared to be distressed by her circumstances, that's not the way it's coming across anyway. She just wants opinions on whether or not a set amount of cash each month is enough to live on.

But that's just what we can't do. There are so many variables. What's a reasonable amount to some is wholly inadequate to others, and a fortune to someone else. The point is, she's struggling on that amount, and it seems unnecessary as her DH appears to earn a lot. There seems to be an imbalance in their setup whereby she feels she has to "ask" for a rise and prepare her case before doing so in order to be heard by her DH.
Others have expressed opinions on this aspect, as it seems alien to us.

it only seems alien because you are not used to hearing of this type of set-up in a family household that's all. her children don't go without and neither does she, she's made it clear they are far from poor. There are worse off SAHMs than this, trust me.

All she needs to do is sit down and speak to her DP and make sure she has plenty money each month from the amount he earns (which is a lot). It's hardly demeaning to have all your bills paid for you by your partner whilst you stay at home to raise the DC - someone has to earn the money! If he is paying all the larger outgoings like mortgage or rent each month and all utilities then it's not unreasonable to allocate a set amount to begin with and see how it goes. OP may be surprised, her DP may just say 'ok there's an extra £200 then'. It's hardly a biggie.

When women earn their own money and indeed out earn their men these issues don't arise. She might have £700 a day if she went to work in some areas.

who cares about out-earning your partner??? that's not what this is about - it's about having enough each month to cover all the costs with the set-up they have arranged together. She wants to stay at home with her children (not an odd concept to many) whilst her partner works. She doesn't intend to go out working full time earning mega bucks to get one over on her partner

Xenia has your approach worked for you and your marriage then? Because all this 'outearn him' stuff is almost sounding antagonistic and it's not how the loving couples with good marriages that I know, operate.

lucyvic I understand what you mean about the whole questioning every coffee. DP and I both work and pay the same amount into the joint account each month for bills, food etc. The rest is then ours to spend how we like, so if I spend a ludicrous amount of money on a handbag, it's absolutely none of his business as long as I've paid my share into the joint account.

I like that freedom. If everything was in one joint account, I can foresee arguments about 'why did you spend £100 on a handbag/technical gadget/night out'

I'm sure the everything in one pot works for lots of people, but it's not right for us.

And Xenia, I outearn my DP and I do agree with you to some extent, I have fiercely resisted any situation where my career and earnings are not independent of DP. The times when I have been in a non-earning position (mat leave for example or between jobs) I've hated the feeling of not having my own income and independence. Keeps me sane.

Thanks lovechoc fo your words..

no problem lucyvic - it seems everyone else on this thread is very narrow-minded and just assumes that because they do things one way that everyone else should do it that way too - because if they don't that's just degrading to women

Lucyvic

i've given a lot of thought to your post and tried to take in the subsequent posts.

i hope some have helped.

to add my two'apporth just consider your replacement cost if, God forbid lightning struck you down tonight.When I was sahming we calculated that to replace my contribution was a least the cost of a full time nanny and a housekeeper, and took out critical life assurance accordingly.As the children are now older we have cancelled the policy and i am wohming. Just because you are currently unwaged does not mean you have no economic worth.

Discussing finances is a real test in any relationship, regardless of how much you love each other, as unwittingly we often fall into parent/chid relationships.

But talk you must as you have so much to lose together if you can not make this work.

It is not actually a case of how much you
need but rather both of you recognising how much you contribute and why it is important to your family/children

Thankyou very helpful posts.. .discussions are taking place to address the imbalance !