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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for more money

246 replies

lucyvic · 07/04/2010 13:17

My partner gives me 700 pound a month.We have a 3yrd old and a 3 month year old.This is to provide all groceries for the family,petrol mobile phone for me.All kids clothes and activties.
I dont have any outside hobbies or vices that cost money but the money goes and I find it just a bit difficult to manage on.What does the average family of 4 need to live on !?

OP posts:
ZacharyQuack · 07/04/2010 13:35

How do you think he would react to you saying you want access to more money?

How come you don't get to have a few expensive hobbies or vices?

brogan2 · 07/04/2010 13:37

But, Fab, if you struggled to keep track then a better option is for you to write down what you've spent rather than have a situation where you are effectively being given an allowance.

compo · 07/04/2010 13:37

It depends entirely on what he earns and what you spend

so if you have an iphone that costs £35 a month, contact lenses that cost £18.50 a month, petrol at £50 a week, £100 a week on food shopping, and a haircut costing £100 every 6 weeks as well as dentist, clothes, clothes for kids etc etc

then it might be a struggle

brogan2 · 07/04/2010 13:41

Do not ask for more money. How degrading!
Ask for a joint account. It is a perfectly reasonable request and would make all your lives easier.

I cannot see any reason why you would continue as a second class citizen.

brogan2 · 07/04/2010 13:42

Blimey; 30 posts and I've probably posted 10 of them!
Can you tell I feel strongly yet?

NoahAndTheWhale · 07/04/2010 13:45

That sounds quite a bit to me, but will work ours out roughly and compare.

Food about £60 a week so £300 at most. Phone £12 a month. Children's activities about £50 a month. My clothes - zero (but am being v thrifty at the moment), petrol about £60 a month, children's clothes about £20 a month averaged out (will be spending more soon if warm weather ever comes), haircut £35 every 6 weeks so about £25 a month. So less than £500 anyway. We have DS aged 6 and DD aged 4.

We have a joint account though and so it is a case of both of us using the money as necessary. I also do earn some money which goes into savings account and then is used where necessary.

DuelingFanjo · 07/04/2010 13:45

seems ok to me if he's paying rent/mortgage and all bills.

Compo - Having a haircut every six weeks at £100 seems a bit strange to me but then I am low maintenance . Also - £50 a week on petrol!? £20 a week gets me to work and back 5 days a week and extra journeys.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 07/04/2010 13:48

I completely agree with brogan and AF.

Giving you money like that makes it sound as if youandthekids are a) a single unit and b) an expense column on his sheet.

I don't at all understand why it's up to you to budget all the kids' expenses out of 'your' allowance. Why aren't the two of you sitting down and working out the kids' expenses separately - one column - the household running expenses - another column - your personal money - one column - his personal money - one column - any savings or investments - one column.

The issue isn't whether the amount is enough. The issue is that you're treating this as if, as long as you and the kids are fed and clothed, the rest of the household money belongs to your partner. Why is that? Because he earns it? You earn it too. If you didn't stay home, look after the children, do the housework and the cooking and everything else, he couldn't work.

Your lifestyle supports his just as much as his supports yours.

violethill · 07/04/2010 13:51

The issue here is not actually the £700 though is it? Because as everyone else has said, it depends on a lot of factors.

OP - you need to sit down with your partner and talk to him, and put forward your case as to why you think you need more money for food, clothes and entertainment. Just be prepared that he may disagree with you, and may suggest that if you want more, then you earn it. That's not being harsh, just honest. I always think in these situations, you've got to be prepared to look at both sides. Having one parent at home full time is something that needs to be discussed and agreed on together; as are family finances.

KAEKAE · 07/04/2010 13:51

Hard one as £700 would be a tidy amount for some to get by on after all the bills have been paid for. I have a joint account all the bills, mortgage come out of that and I just take what I need as and when I want it. Why doesn't he just give you access to the money in the account?

compo · 07/04/2010 14:01

lol DF that was an example , I know some people who get a cut and colour every 6 weeks at Toni and Guy, think it costs more than 100 quid

Gay40 · 07/04/2010 14:05

Everyone's arrangements are their own and you have to do what works for you, but I find the concept of housekeeping very oppressive. Money comes into the house, money goes out of the house, regardless of who does what and how, and certainly children, bills and are a joint expenditure?
Gaaahh...I'm just repeating everyone else.
Joint account if you both like them, equality of financial arrangements if not.

Original poster
lucyvic · 07/04/2010 14:08

Thankyou for all of your posts. I knew there would be varying opinions on this due to differing financial sets ups and family situations.

Very funny re being the hired help ! Iam not but sometimes it does feel like it ! ;0)

Iam going to broach this subject with him and iam keeping up to date with accounts of what iam spending.

We have had huge rows about this subject though. As mainly the money goes on stuff that is consummed so there is nothing to show for it .And i feel really uncomfortable being beholdant. But I am living a fairly low maintenance lifestyle. I dont get my haircut every 6 weeks.I rarely buy anything for myself.The kids wear mainly second hand clothes.
Activties do cost though.

Anyway the subject wil be reviewed !

Thankyou all posts !
x

OP posts:
mustrunmore · 07/04/2010 14:08

Ok, now I'm going to work this out the other way, on what we spend on the things you've listed...
My phone... £35
Petrol.... no car, but my buspass is £63 a month
Groceries... £400
Kids clothes.. £15 on ave
Activities...£30ish

Thats £543 a month
If you add the extra morning in nusrery that we pay for, that takes it up to £607 a month.
So allowing for random things like kids haircuts and special days out, then, yes, £700 sounds fine. Not the highlife, but ok;I'd love to treat the kids more or not think before buying things, but c'est la vie

FabIsRubbish · 07/04/2010 14:09

"But, Fab, if you struggled to keep track then a better option is for you to write down what you've spent rather than have a situation where you are effectively being given an allowance."

brogan2 - too much to do without writing everything done and this works perfectly fine for us. He doesn't keep me short, he gives me all he has. No problem for us.

flowerybeanbag · 07/04/2010 14:14

What everyone else says. It's not whether you can manage on £700 that's the issue.

You need to sit down together, do a spreadsheet, put your household income in one column, then in another column put the essential household expenses, mortgage, phones, insurance, gas, electric, car/s, food etc, then in another column put the kids expenses. Then whatever's left is for your personal expenses (clothes, going out, haircuts or whatever plus hobbies you might have), his personal expenses (the same) and any investments/savings you make. IMO your personal amounts to spend should be the same.

Once you have in a spreadsheet how much you are going to spend on each thing, you can work out what works for you best in terms what accounts to use for each thing. Personally all our household/joint expenses come out of a joint account, so that we can both make those purchases if we need to. Our personal money goes to our personal accounts, nothing else.

Rhian82 · 07/04/2010 14:20

Sounds loads to me. But it depends what he has left to spend on himself, as has been said.

Debs75 · 07/04/2010 14:30

A lot of you have said £700 is more than I have so OP should be able to manage fine.
I don't think that is the problem. From what she has said her partner earns well and spends money on his expensive hobbies whilst she spends the money he gives her on the house and the kids.
My mum and dad lived like that for years and he would cut her money down if he felt like it yet still disappear to the pub whenever he wanted. She managed the best she could but felt continually worn down by it.
Me and dp are on benefits but I get the lions share so I do most of the bills, shopping and clothes for kids and activites etc, whatever I have left over I can spend and he has his benefit to spend. We never argue about money and if one of us is struggling then we are open and ready to help. When he works I still get more then him so we adjust things so it is still fair.
It sounds like it is your attitudes to money which you need to sort out. I'm imagining he thinks he earns the money so he can spend how he wishes. If so point out to him that if you weren't looking after his kids then he couldn't work. You are a valuable part of the household and he needs to see that.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 14:32

fab...if he gives you all he has and it is spent how you both see fit, then I class that as joint finances

not everything is in the detail, tbh, but in the outcome IYSWIM

that does not seem to be the case here

OP is paid childminder and housekeeper and has a frugal lifestyle, second-hand clothes etc

while her DP spends money on expensive "pastimes", she is worrying about whther she should grovel for a few more pennies from his table

something very wrong there, IMO

brogan2 · 07/04/2010 14:42

Fab, if you do it like that because it makes it easier for you then that's fine. It's not an absolute science.

However, in the majority of these situations it comes down to one partner retaining control and that's not healthy. The OP is obviously unhappy with the situation and struggling to manage.

brogan2 · 07/04/2010 14:43

Oh ok, I posted before refreshing and reading AF's post which is pretty much what I wanted to say.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 15:22

brogan..we have agreed all the way through

skidoodly · 07/04/2010 15:28

So you live with this man, you look after his children, your own career is on hold, he spends lots of money on himself but gives you pin money, he fights with you about money and asks you to account for what you spend, and you are not married?

You are a fool.

unfitmother · 07/04/2010 15:35

Sounds demeaning to me, you are clearly not in a partnership of equals.

follygirl · 07/04/2010 15:37

I'm a SAHM and the way we've got round this is to have several accounts.

  • We pay all our bills (mortgage, food, utilities) out of one account.
  • The kids have another account which pays for activities and clothes.
  • I have another account which is just for me.
That way I don't end up spending all my money on the kids and I know exactly what I have. It means that we have quite a few accounts but it gives us better transparency. My dh puts as much as he can afford into the accounts so I don't feel as if he is 'giving' it to me. Just a thought.