To ask for more money

[lucyvic]

My partner gives me 700 pound a month.We have a 3yrd old and a 3 month year old.This is to provide all groceries for the family,petrol mobile phone for me.All kids clothes and activties.
I dont have any outside hobbies or vices that cost money but the money goes and I find it just a bit difficult to manage on.What does the average family of 4 need to live on !?

And once again I ask why would you choose such a system over the more straightforward and fairer solution that is one big pot which gives you both equal access?

This really has made me cross. I can't beleive that real live grownn up women are actually wandering about with no income, not even any marital rights, worrying about how to ask their man for more money..? Even being 'allowed' to use their husbands credit card for big ticket items. I know if everyone was the same the world would be a boring place etc etc but please is this 1945????????????

We use our credit cards to treat each other then pay it off.

DH earns about 5x my salary. He would never dream of thinking of that money as his rather than ours. Both salaries go into one account and that total is our household income.

Of course individuals will have reasons it works for them and doesn't compromise the equality in their relationship but many women, as previous posts on here show, are put at a financial disadavtage because of their financial set-up.

...and yes, one poster did say that. Stating that if it all went into one big pot she wouldn't know what was allocated to bills etc and what was hers to spend.

I guess it is different for us because once the bills are paid and the food is bought there isn't really much left to argue over - if we were the type to argue over money.

eurghhhh sorry (not actually sorry but cant think of the word) to be hideously judgemental but seiously?!! Someone has been oppressed enough to beleive they cant set up a simple spreadsheet for themself to show income/outgoings and then whats left without their husband telling them?

brogan2 I think if our salaries were as drastically differnet we would do the same as you. He earns twice as much as me rather than 5 times so if the rent comes out of his account and half of te bills, and I do the online food shop, we have the same amount left each.

Not that relevent but my parents had a joint account and would argue constantly because dad was reckless with money... maybe this has made me a little scared of the joint account situation.. stupid as our relationship bears no resebelence (sp) to theirs!

I don't understand what the problem is, if they are both happy with the set-up then carry on with it.

I have a joint account with DH but only the CTC and CB go into this account every month and this is for top-up shopping and fuel for the car and any other luxuries. He keeps his wages seperate in his own account, which to me is wise considering he is the main breadwinner at the moment and pays all of the bills (I don't because I'm SAHM).

I do think OP's partner should freely give her as much money as she needs to run the household on a monthly basis though. Esp if they are well off.

The thing is, when you've started a family and later find you have a prick for a husband/partner, it can be hard you end up sticking with it for the sake of the children.

My bloody moronic husband live separate lives now but he had the idea "it's my money, I'll spend it how I like".

Even when I bought water filters (FGS ) he would ask "who's paying for it?"

But, Lovchoc, the OP is clearly not happy; Nor should she be!

I was a SAHM for quite a few years and would never have thought it wise for DH to have his salary paid into an account solely in his name. In fact, quite the opposite.

For the OP to be at home raising her DP's children and having to live on whatever he seems fit to give her is nothing short of degrading.

keep going brogan...you are doing a sterling job, love

Fab we have the same set up as you - DH puts all the spare money after bills into our joint account which we then use for things for the house, food shopping and things for DS.
I also take some which goes into my own account to pay for my pension, my phone and is my 'spending money' for clothes, haircuts, petrol etc. DH and I have the same to spend on ourselves each month.

OP - you are allowing him to treat you like an expense. Why are his kids in 2nd hand clothes when he has expensive cars and hobbies? Does he pay into a pension for you or put aside money in your name?
If not, then you are in a very weak position, what would happen re.finances if you split up? Are you listed as a joint owner of his business?

I'm tiring. I'm now going to step away and pour myself a nice G&T towards which I probably only contributed the cost of the lime. But hey, DH didn't have to change twice today due to toddler related lunch and bath incidents. So, even steven me thinks.

WotNoChocolate - Your sharing your life with this idiot why?

Sorry to be blunt!Gosh, would any of us be so direct in RL??!!

Why do women put themselves into positions of dependency ffs

brogan - seperate accounts and an allowance works better for us because it means we both know where we stand.
We are very different money wise. I fritter away money a little bit at a time and like to be able to buy something as and when I want to. I dont use a spreadsheet but do check my online balance every couple of days to see when I need to reign myself in!
DH is not a big spender but does like to have a blow out and buy something expensive every now and then.
If we had one joint account, for a start it would be hard to see where we stood when it was near the end of the month. Unless you ahve a detailed spreadsheet that you refer to every time you buy something it would be hard for me to go to a cash machine, see there is 100 left in the account and know whether it would be ok to spend the 50 I am thinking about spending or whether DH is at the same time at a shop in London about to use his cash card for the same money I am about to use!
It would also be hard to keep track of whether things are 'fair' unless again we kept a detailed spreadsheet (and why do it if you dont have to? i have better things to spend my time on). With my spending habits being little and often, it would be easy to spend more than my fair share so that when DH came to buy something big there may not be enough left!
I know you've said 'how ridiculous, someone saying they may spend too much if they had a joint account, ahve they never heard of spreadsheets!' but why keep a spreadsheet to ensure you only spend your share of a joint pot when its much easier (for us personally) to share out the pot fairly and have seperate accounts!
With my own account and my own 'allowance' each month, which is in effect just my 'share' of Dh's salary, I know exactly what I can spend and when I can spend it, without the bother of spreadsheets and unecessary monitoring.
I maintain my opinion that as long as things are 'fair' money wise, then it really doesnt matter how the accounts are kept.
I believe OP's situation is not fair. Not because she has an allowance, but becasue her allowance does not reflect their families disposable income.

earning the money does not give you any specific right about how it is spent - not over your partners right, in a true partnership.

my husband does not get an 'allowance' - we both agree expenditure in advance (though, probably we do manage with much less than £700 after bills, the amount isn't the point)

although we don't have a joint account - we always balance up together.

Now, where money is tight, that means discussing things like £20 for a new microwave, rather than £100 for a night on the tiles, but it simply wouldn't be fair if one of us (even if if it was I, the earner) was constantly splashing out and paying the other an 'allowance' - it wouldn't be fair.

As you control the food, i suggest you serve up Asdas delicious 9 pence noodles for dinner several nights in a row, and advise him you are doing this in order to keep within budget. Wash it down with £1.19 Smart Price cider and see if he feels like being more reasonable.

and not being married is not a good sign - is he afraid of the commitment (whilst having 2 kids and a house with you?)?

Fel1x - that was me that said how ridiculous and about the spreadsheets

I stand corrected, well kind of, it was the way I wrote it that was wrong. What I meant is that by taking an allowance from your partner that is less than his own allowance on the grounds of that you wouldnt be able to understand or manage finances by yourself is a bit ridiculous, seems to make out that you are childish and need your partner to hold on to the purse strings for you.

OP sounds like her partner is well of so the situation of being down to the last £50 probably wouldnt be an issue. But yes that would sometimes be an issue for us and another reason why we have separate accounts.

I also think that separate accounts helps with independance in a relationship. I hate that 'my other half' business.

If your share is the same as your partners then yes all is fair and seems to be the same way as we do thing in a way.

For what its worth it doesnt sit well with me at all to not work and be dependant on a man financially but thats for another thread!!

Just had to come back to say to Fel1x, that was not me who mentioned spreadsheets. I never use spreadsheets for anything. DH on the other hand...

We don't have 'a share'. If there was £500 to share for pocket money then if DH (or I)spent all of it one month that would be ok.

I wonder how many of these men would happily have their wages paid into an account in their wife's name and she give him an allowance.

Gulity guilty brogan... ive held my hands up!

I love a good spreadsheet me! Of course that is geeky and unecessary to use one really but if I was a women who struggled with finances, I'd use one any day to make things clearer rather than relenquish my independance to a man!

Look, how people organise their household income and budgeting is beside the point here, up to the point at which one partner becomes dissatisied with the setup.

The OP wants to know if SIBU to "ask" (grr to me, but that's 'my stuff') for more money? Surely, all she has to do is say to her DP "look, here's what we are getting through in a month. 700 doesn't cover it. We need to re-budget."

What would his response to that approach be? Have I missed the post where she said he'd thrash her and scream at her for being a feckless spendthrift?

I get an allowance of £450 for all the groceries, petrol, mobile for me, kids clothes (I have 2 toddlers) and pet supplies (for a cat, a dog and chickens)... plus I tend to fritter a bit too, so I think you should be able to manage on £700. However, my partner is the only earner and I have as much as he can afford to give me, I don't consider it an allowance in a dependency kind of way - I think this is more relevant to be honest. It's important you feel like you are a team and therefore any income is family money which is spent as agreed between you both.

Not sure I appreciate the post regarding not being married as 'not a good sign' or how that is that relevant to your question?

I think it is very unwise for any woman to live as if married to a man on whom she depends financially. OP, do you have wills in place? Is the house in joint names?

Not sure I appreciate the post regarding not being married as 'not a good sign' or how that is that relevant to your question?

because it is a way of recognising someone's legal rights over your property. If two people (whether married or not) share equally, the lack of a certificate saying they have rights over each other is less of an issue (or none at all)

this guy is acting as though the Op has no rights over his income, despite sharing her life with him.

My dad has no idea how much everything costs. My mum works out all the bills/expenses, then takes out exactly half from his account. I couldn't be arsed with it but it works for them.
Occasionally she says, just to see if he has a grasp of their finances, "Oh, the electricity has gone up to £1000 a month" and waits for his response - which is always "Oh, OK" and that is the end of the conversation. She never takes more than exactly half the bills, though.
They have had 1 (YES 1 !!!!!) argument about money, and that was when she was going on a weekend away with her friends, and he wanted to give her his card in case she needed extra money, and she refused to take it. A huge row broke out.
This has very little to do with the thread, yes I know.