To ask for more money

[lucyvic]

My partner gives me 700 pound a month.We have a 3yrd old and a 3 month year old.This is to provide all groceries for the family,petrol mobile phone for me.All kids clothes and activties.
I dont have any outside hobbies or vices that cost money but the money goes and I find it just a bit difficult to manage on.What does the average family of 4 need to live on !?

It has not turned into a SAHM WOHM debate, thats my bloody point!!!! so dont turn it into one, unless you secretly want a big ruck???

Sorry I thought it had turned into a debate considering the OP was told to get a job.

If I wanted a big ruck I would go slate bottle feeders or early weaners or something

LOL

I see what you mean, but I think thats mainly cos people seem to think she needs to have £££ to survive off in case DP fucks her off....rather than anything against SOHM?

Allowance aside, I think £700 is plenty given it includes no bills or mortgage/rent. £400 food (plenty for a family of 4), £50 activities (given there is only a baby and a preschooler), £50 petrol, £200 for clothes. I presume this is in addition to the £120 child benefit. Absolutely no need on that amount to need to buy second hand clothes unless its to make a point.

I'm not sure what side I am on re the allowance thing. Personal choice I guess and a joint account does not necessarily suit all. We share but friends dont - each to their own.

If you decided between you that you would stay home and your DP fully supports this then you need to talk if you feel you need a change in finances. However, as Xenia has pointed out, he may actually be just using the allowance as a stop gap until you are earning again.

I'm with those that think returning to work may be for the best, given you are not married and dont appear to have any assets you do need some meas to support yourself in case the future does not go as planned.

I think for the OP the decision has been been that she should be a SAHM and yes there is always the "if she doesn't like it she can get her own job and money?" but in case like this I think if she were to get her own job her DP would probably reduce the amount of money he gives her IYSWIM?

I think the key here is transparency of how much money he is earning and where it is going and communication. The OP needs to sit down with her DP and say £700 is not enough and here is why, this is what I have spent last months on, how much money did you spend last month and what on???

As a SAHM there is always the risk that your DP/H could not come home one night and tell you that's it and you are royally screwed.

I am now trying to imagine the look on my partner's face if I asked her to justify what she spent money on.

Seriously though....why are people not having these conversations BEFORE the situation arises?????

Sod saying £700 is not good enough! She needs to say his attitude is not good enough.

Well, quite, Gay40!

But then on a slightly different note, there is always threads along the lines on, 'How much does your DH do around the house?' with women complaining that they get no help. I don't even read them anymore as I'm not keen on raised BP.

Why is there never any communication beforehand along the lines of, 'ok if I SAH then I'll do the bulk but you do x, y and z at the w.e.' Or, 'As we will now have 3 kids under 5 then obv I cannot be expected to care for them and do everything else, so how shall we play this?'

And don't get me started on the ones where they both work yet he does sweet FA and she's on here moaning. I want to scream 'DID YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS BEFOREHAND?' Too much martyrdom about!

Coming away from all the SAHM vs WOHM (what does the 'OH' stand for?! ) and equality, women's rights and what she'll do it he leaves her etc etc does anyone else not think that if you're in a partnership with someone i.e. living together as married/married whatever, you should have the share quality of life??

If you have a joint bank account or separate or one works and one doesnt you have still decided to SHARE your lives together.

So OP, if he has all this disopable money and you have only £700 for the kids and yourself that must mean, for example, he has designer clothes and you shop at primark... he has Marks & Spencer lunch, you have co-op, he holidays in the Bahamas and you go to Devon... And what about your home??? do you buy the furnishings, ben linen etc.. If so wouldnt he prefer to own things that are inline with his own financial status..?

or does he pay when its something that he will also benefit from?

Im so confused.

Only because (knowingly repeats herself) although my partner earns more, we work it out that we both have the same 'pocket money' after outgoings so that we both have the same ability to, I don't know.. Buy drinks when we're out together (or apart) buy Christmas presents, book hotel rooms...

Ok, Im very confused!!!

It may work for some but I think being 'given' an amount each month by your partner is odd and generally causes problems like this one.

Have a joint account and share, share, share.

But, Baileys, it doesn't sound as if having a joint account would be the answer to the OP's problems. I imagine that if the OP were ever able to organise one, all she would be getting would be the constant interrogation about how much she's spent/why she has and so forth.

As others have stated, it's a communication and respect issue.

FWIW, DH and I have completely separate accounts. He pays a set sum into my account each month and I use that for all housekeeping, clothes for me and for the dc, activities etc. I tell him if I've gone over that, he pays more into my account.

This was my choice. If at any time I feel it would be better to have a joint account, we would set that up. But we don't need to, a) because finances were discussed before we even moved in together and b)he is a supremely reasonable man who would never question my financial abilities.

Sadly I fear the OP has an uphill battle on her hands.

Also, neither DH nor I regard it as 'giving me money'. It is merely transferring funds from one household account to another.

"ave just seen you have 3 month old OP. OK, then you clearly CANT return to work right now. "

Not true. SMP at 90% of pay is only paid for 6 weeks. Plenty of women return before 3 months. Plenty of families need the money. I was back at work in 2 weeks.

More importantly here though is as people say communication. Is it a situation where someone doesn't raise questions about can I have 100% disclosure - can I see your pensions, can I see your business accounts, can I see details of your savings, value of your houses because we have now formed this family unit and are committed to life . Or is it won't marry her and I will watch the money with her because she's a stop gap. Won't tell her much at all. Won't put the prioperties into joint names. Certainly won't marry her. Won't leave her my money in my will, in fact haven't bothered to write one. You need to know where you stand so you can act accordingly rather than being some kind of child like baby thing who is doled out little bits of money from a man who may not stick around to support you for life.

It depends if you consider the family or the individual to be the economic unit.

We find it easier to consider the family to be the economic unit and allocate the bills, income and work accordingly.

Treating the individuals as the economic unit means putting prices on services performed for partners within the realtionship - both tangible and intangible. This is both really hard, and tbh a bit undignified.

Though this is a lot easier for us than some as we had a long period before children with very nearly equal incomes.

Although I am single I was married for nearly 20 years and our view was apart from it being for life, that it was one flesh, one person, together as a unit, everything shared, only joint names on everything, i did our tax returns, inconceivable that either of us would not know 100% of everything about the finances of the other. A here today gone tomorrow partners not married thing is very different and in fact marriages last much longer than these unmarried partnerships as all studies show.

The marriage vows say with all my worldly goods I thee endow. You are giving everything to the other until death do ye part etc. There is nothing like that if you just shack up together casually and nor is there life long commitment and the legal position is completely different too. You wouldn't think I was divorced from all this would you... but I do believe in marriage.

We do not have a joint account and neither of us want one. We want to have 'our' own money so that when we buy things they are our own. I don't want to have to ask permission to spend 7k on a car or feel that it isn't mine.
We both earn roughly the same, both pay the bills equally ...and what ever is left over is our own.

I'll be a SAHM when our first arrives in the summer, at least for a few years. For the past few years I have earned more than DH simply because he took a career break after some family tragedy and could afford to do soe because of his previous high earning years. We then swapped for a year when I decided to retrain and he stepped back to his old career, and now we're both on the same as we're both retraining! Complicated but it works for us. Our salaries both go into the same pot (seperate accounts but joint access if that makes sense) regardless of what we're earning and we both have equal access to it.

When I'm not working it'll work the same way, my SMP etc will go into the same account as his salary and all bills will go out of it. Whatever is left is both of ours equally. I have been a 'high flyer' and may well be again, I don't see myself as dull or unambitious because I want to stay home with our child/children for a few years, and see that as the antithesis of feminism which to me was about having the choice and not having to justify it to others...especially not other women. I would certainly not see myself as a 'prostitute' (would we accept being called that by a man??). I will be playing an equal role in our family and household whether I am at home or at work...contribution shouldn't just be financial.

although DH's salary is paid into his own bank account each month, if I need anything it's never grudged. If I need new shoes for myself or a haircut then DH is happy for me to spend money on this. Being a SAHM and occasionally asking for money from your DH who goes out to earn the money to keep a roof over your head is harldy demeaning! Someone has to go out and earn a living, if that's the set-up.

I think it's very demeaning!!
Being a SAHM was the hardest thing I ever did and I didn't expect to go cap in hand to my wage-earning DH. I was doing a bloody job too, so that he could do his. The dcs were both of ours!!

We are going through upheavals like a lot of couples just now, where DH is retraining and earning a lot less than I am, but when we were on roughly equal earnings we just halved all the outgoings that were direct debits and put half the money into an account each every month, and paid for all communal expenses (food shop, kids clothes, etc) on a credit card then halved the bill each month and it worked perfectly well. We never knew exactly what each other earned every month but imho thats not his business as long as Im paying my way and vice versa.

I have 2 children and £700 barely scrapes my grocery bill each month. I get that thats not the main problem here but its not a lot if you are buying fruit, veg, meat etc. I suppose it goes a lot further in Farmfoods, it depends on your lifestyle.

Biggest problem - I could never ever depend on a man to pay for me, even if I did stay at home and take care of his kids. I guess I am just not a career break kinda gal. My security comes from knowing that I depend on myself to cover my own way - and if I needed to I could pay everything on my own. Im guessing the OP is used to being in similar situation?

Absolutely!

It's only demeaning if you allow it to be.
In our house, it just is not an issue. I am in no doubt whatsoever that we are complete equals in all things, regardless of who does what on the employment front.

One of the reasons I fell for DH was his totally generous and fair attitude towards money after my previous tightwad boyfriend. We agreed right from the off that there were 4 things we'd be spending our time on, WOTH, looking after the kids, running the house and leisure time (together or separately, depending on what it was) and they were equally valued. He preferred to continue working full-time, I elected to go part-time and be a SAHM the rest. All earned income went into the one pot and doled out into various accounts for bills etc.. We allocated ourselves pocket money each month so we could have personal expenses that we weren't answerable to the other for. When MIL died and left a considerable inheritance to him, he's always referred to it as "ours" but it all went into my name, as I'm a lower-rate tax payer these days. Not sure DH even knows where it all is. But he sure as hell knows if ever we were to hit a problem in our marriage and decided to split up, I'd hand all that straight back to him. It's only right.

Also, there's been none of that nonsense about DH "helping" around the house. Helping? FGS, it's his home too. He does his sodding share! Sure, I probably do a bit more these days as I'm part-time, but he does all the food shopping and cooking. Crap at ironing, however, but that's OK. Can't have him looking too perfect!

Surely this is how it should be? Equality, trust and fairness.

Sorry to say this, but people will treat you in life how you allow them to.

some of us do depend on our DP/DH for a short time whilst the DC are v young and then the situation changes once they go to school and so the mother can get back into working and being more independent - it's not a permanent situation being a SAHM! It only lasts a short time for some of us.

I don't see anything wrong with OP's situation, she just needs to have a discussion with him about increasing the amount of money she gets from him every month to afford all the necessities. Not everyone chooses to have a joint bank account - that's fine if you are both earning money and contributing but if only one person in paying ALL the bills then what's the point when practically everything is being paid for by DH/DP??