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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for more money

246 replies

lucyvic · 07/04/2010 13:17

My partner gives me 700 pound a month.We have a 3yrd old and a 3 month year old.This is to provide all groceries for the family,petrol mobile phone for me.All kids clothes and activties.
I dont have any outside hobbies or vices that cost money but the money goes and I find it just a bit difficult to manage on.What does the average family of 4 need to live on !?

OP posts:
Fel1x · 07/04/2010 15:53

We have same set up where dh gives me an 'allowance' each month. Its not demeaning in the slightest, just what works best practically, for us.
I get a fair amount considering what dh earns and if theres something big that needs paying for, that cant be budgeted into the allowance, then dh pays out of 'his' money, without question. I just booked DS1 a course of swimming lessons at 100 pounds and said 'dh, whats your card number for Ds's swimming lessons?'
it doesnt matter whether you have a joint account, seperate accounts with exactly the same amount in each or seperate accounts with an allowance tbh. As long as you each have a fair amount of spending money after paying out on essentials like mortgage, bills and food then its fair!

700 a month sounds low to me, especially to cover all groceries in that - with 2 in nappies thats a lot to start with!
If 700 is a big chunk of your partners salary then fair enough, you have to make do with whats there, but if hes earning loads and can afford expensive hobbies then you should have more money to play with each month too. Why should you ahve to budget carefully and miss taking the kids to the zoo for example if he is spending loads on himself?

ginnybag · 07/04/2010 16:13

The formula is simple...

Take ALL the money coming into the house and subtract:

  1. All the household bills - Mortgage, food, insurance, utilities blah blah. This should include ALL essential and 'household' bills.
  1. Any savings accounts you run.
  1. Divide the remainder into three - him, you, the kids.
Xenia · 07/04/2010 16:27

Never give up full time work. When will women ever learn? Out earn him. It's much easier working full time when you have babies.

He hasn't married you so you h ave very few legal rights either which isn't very wise if you've given up a career for him. I hope you have wills and the house is in joint names.

As for whether it's enough it's all relative.

Many many couples whether married or otherwise only have joint accounts because they are committed for life and love each other and share everytrhing which is what the marriage vows say but then you aren't married so the usual rules don't apply.

When we had 2 little ones like that we had the cost of a full time daily nanny, then when one was three half day Montessori nursery fees and then school fees. It just depends on the kind of life you lead what your costs will be. But I could never live as you do. Women should go forth and out earn men and leave men to fuss over how much nappies cost.

brogan2 · 07/04/2010 16:32

But to fel1x and others who say it works for them or they have enough etc etc... What I want to ask is what is wrong with a joint account? If it equality you're after, that's the one. If it's transparency and an easy to keep track system, that's also the one. I cannot see any logical reason (barring one partner having been bankrupt or having a gambling problem) to have any other set up.

Adults should be able to look at their outgoings and have a good idea of what they have to spend each month so the , 'I would just spend it all' doesn't really wash. What would you do if you were on your own and all the money had to be in your name? That argument doesn't make sense to me.

unfitmother · 07/04/2010 17:12

I agree, it's spurious. You don't hear of many high earning women paying their partners an 'allowance' do you?

FabIsRubbish · 07/04/2010 17:32

It doesn't matter if you don't think it is logical, brogan2. It works for us and that is all that matters.

brogan2 · 07/04/2010 17:39

And that's fine but it's still like saying, 'Taking the long walk round the outside of the field is workable for me so why would I choose the nice laid path through the middle?'

Yes, of course it's your choice but I was genuinely asking for reasons why people would choose a more complicated and in many cases (not necessarily yours) unfair system over the easiest and fairest option.

Gay40 · 07/04/2010 17:41

A joint account does not give you equality ina relationship. You just have to find a system that works

FabIsRubbish · 07/04/2010 17:44

Why is our system more complicated or unfair? Hardly unfair when dh has very little to spend on himself when he earns it all, so where is it complicated?

brogan2 · 07/04/2010 17:52

But, Fab, you are talking about yourself and your own personal situation. Many people, especially women are not happy in such a situation and are struggling. Many women do see it as an allowance for childcare and do not feel as though they were an equal partner. The OP herself is obviously struggling whereas if she had access to all the household income this would not be the case.

If you do an archive search on this you will see the OPs situation is sadly, all too common.

kitkatsforbreakfast · 07/04/2010 17:54

We have complicated bank accounts, and it has only just changed. Prior to the change we were still in 'two income, no kids mode' with separate current accounts, and we put a fixed (proportional to income) amount into a joint account that paid bills, mortgage etc. The rest of our income was ours to spend as we wished. dh had more than me, but not a lot.

After the change (where I earn very little) - dh's salary goes into joint account and we pay for all household and dc things out of it. Then we each get the same amount of 'pocket money' paid into our own accounts each month for our own frivolous spending (dh - computer stuff, me - clothes). I feel better this way as I don't feel like the hired help so much.

FabIsRubbish · 07/04/2010 17:59

I am talking about my situation because that is all I know and because you are questioning it, brogan2.

kitkatsforbreakfast · 07/04/2010 18:02

I think it's only reasonable to talk about your own situation. For most people, it's the only situation they know well, and their only point of reference.

Trafficcone · 07/04/2010 18:06

Bloody hell. I WISH I had that for our family of 4 older kids and 3 cats!!!!! I assume you get childbenefit on top of this £700??? So another £120 or so a month no?

Xenia · 07/04/2010 18:07

If you're not married and have no income which some silly women put themselves into the position of... more fool them... never the men is it who give up their careers... then a joint account for all money is very wise. It means if he dies tomorrow by law by survivorship that money comes to you. If it's not a jo int account you might have no ready cash at all if all savings are in his name and he might have left it all to his mother.

unfitmother · 07/04/2010 18:08

I wouldn't dream of suggesting that joint accounts somehow create equality in a relationship but one partner paying another an 'allowance' is a definate way of creating inequality.

FabIsRubbish · 07/04/2010 18:09

DH's account in which he gets his salary paid into is a joint account so there is no problem if I need more money or to access it should he die.

janeite · 07/04/2010 18:13

I rarely agree with Xenia - but there is a first time for everything...so...I agree with Xenia. I absolutely couldn't ever put myself into a position where I was totally dependent on anybody for money. Dp was dependent on me for several years and tbh I still worry about him now as he only works part time, has no pension etc. I would hate for our positions to be reversed.

WotNoChocolate · 07/04/2010 18:32

The summer DD1 graduated from University, DH split our bank accounts and moved over all his incoming funds into a separate account for himself. He would only 'top up' my account by £200 when money was beginning to run out.

Men like that make me very

brogan2 · 07/04/2010 18:33

Of course a joint account does not make for an equal relationship. But, sadly the lack of one often means a lack of equality in a relationship.

Fab, I said much earlier on that your situation was obviously fine for you. I was being critical of such set-ups in general because time and time again on here there appears similar posts to the OP's.

If you have access to the other account then what's the problem? The issua here is when a working partner decides to give an 'allowance' to the non-working partner. That is fundamentally wrong and is implying that the income is somehow theirs to distribute rather than joint monies. This is an unfair position to put a partner in.

The OP should not need to ask for more money. Unless she has a serious dodgy financial history, she should have access to whatever comes in.

foureleven · 07/04/2010 18:42

If you ask for more money you are taking the position of his employee.

If you have both decided that you will not work then you need to have joint finances. As his wife/mother of his kids or whatever you should all have the same standard of living.

This is precisely why I am in disagreement with being financially dependant on a man. I've head loads of arguements on here about how you can be a stay at home mum and be equal to your man... I have to say recently (thanks to some wonderful women on feminism&women's rights) I have reviewed my opinion (very slightly and grudgingly!) this situation sets me straight back to my belief that it is completely archaic.

Jesh.! When I first read your post I thought you were talking about child maintenance then was to see that this is your partner!!!

Leave him, get your own job and keep yourself happy for goodess sake. This 'man' is a knob

foureleven · 07/04/2010 18:43

heehee xenia knew id find you on this post

foureleven · 07/04/2010 18:43

oops its lollyhop2girls - changed my name.

AliGrylls · 07/04/2010 18:45

I think it depends on what he expects for 700 re the groceries and kids clothes. If he wants nice meals and his kids dressed in Gap or the like it is not enough.

I have a similar arrangement with my DH however he has always said that I can use his credit card for big ticket items.

foureleven · 07/04/2010 18:51

'I would just spend it all' Brogan2. Did someone on here actually say that?! I didnt spot it but if they did how flippin ridiculous! Talk about infantilizing yourself!!!!

We actually dont have a joint account but it is because we like to treat each other and I dont want him to know how much Ive spent and visa versa. Also its nice to treat each other and know it is out of our own money. He earns quite a bit more than me so we work out all of the outgoings between us so that our 'pocket money' i.e. money left after the essentials is the same as eachothers regardless of how much we earn.

We have a truely equal relaionship though, wouldnt have it any other way. It's the only example I could bear to set my girls.

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