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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

NOT to make peace with my dying stepfather?

173 replies

Greensleeves · 06/04/2010 21:04

There may still be the odd poster around who remembers my ongoing saga with my mother - MN was my lifeline while I was disentangling myself from my awful relationship with her and my stepfather

it's been several years now since I had any contact with them - it all ended very nastily and painfully with us having to involve the police and the harrassment act etc

I made the horrendous decision to end all contact with them for my own children's benefit - it's a long and horrible story but the stress of the relationship and the demads on me was dreadful, it was making me unwell, and the episodes of rage and abuse from them when things didn't go their way were starting to upset the children

So today I had a phone call from my father (who isn't in contact with them, but is with my sister) to say that my sister (who wasn't in contact with them at all but reappeared in their lives after I broke contact) had been asked by my mother to tell me that my stepfather has a brain tumour, is in hospital, chemo has failed, his kidneys have shut down, and "if I want to make my peace I need to do it now"

If I do ANYTHING in the way of friendly overtures - a card, a message, anything at all - I will have opened the door we had to nail shut by involving the police - and my mother will be aiming to get her steel claws back into me

I had NO life at all when I was involved with her - I was entirely at her beck and call, I had no friends (at all), no job, no social life, no support network

in the past few years I have built a life I love and she will expect to be able to dismantle it and just use me in any way she can

and my stepfather....well he did some things I have only been able to really deal with since NOT being in an everyday relationship with him, I don't know how I would "make my peace" with him. I don't trust my sister as far as I could throw her either - she haqs betrayed, deceived, bullied and generally hated me for years and I haven't seen her for ten years

but I know I am sounding horribly heartless and 99% of my mind says the only decent thing to do is get in touch

help

OP posts:

FiveGoMadInDorset · 06/04/2010 21:05

Don't do it.

legscrossed · 06/04/2010 21:06

only you'll be around to regret it

CarGirl · 06/04/2010 21:07

If you had received a message to say that he had been knocked down and was dead how would you have felt?

Relieved, heartbroken that you hadn't made your peace, pleased???????

I think with such a toxic family you would be very sensible to keep your distanct. YOu don't have to be in contact with anyone to forgive them if that is something that you wish to do.

salbysea · 06/04/2010 21:07

why do YOU have to make your peace
you sound perfectly "at peace" with your decision so who's benefit would it be for it you went now? Sounds like your step father wouldn't even be conscious by the time you get there so really it would all be for your mother's benefit not your or even your step fathers!

DH was in similar situation last year. Didn't go, has never regreted it.

Original poster

Greensleeves · 06/04/2010 21:07

legscrossed, could you elaborate a bit? Do you think I should swallow my feelings and get in touch? I know most people will say I should, and I haven't dismissed the idea - but I am terrified of my mother's ability to damage me/my family, and I really don't know what I would say to my stepfather anyway. I'm a crap liar.

OP posts:

nickytwotimes · 06/04/2010 21:08

Sounds really hard.

Yanbu. One of my closest friends had to break family contact and it was heartbreaking and hard work and took years of effort and pain. No doubt you did everything you could to make the relationships work int he past and they didn't.
DO whatever you need to do to come to terms with this situation. You owe them nothing.

chachachachacha · 06/04/2010 21:08

YANBU - you can always wait til he dies and have a chat with him at his graveside - no one else need know.

Sounds like you would only be doing it because you feel you ought to and that the ramifications of opening up contact would impact hugely on your life.

Difficult decision.

midnightexpress · 06/04/2010 21:08

I am not speaking from any experience (thank goodness), so this may sound rather too matter of fact, but from reading your post (and I vaguely remember reading about your situation ages ago I think), I wouldn't. I think 'making your peace' is a very laden expression, isn't it? It's also about your peace of mind, and if you are happy to have broken off contact then I personally don't think I would open that door again.

QQQ · 06/04/2010 21:09

YANBU don't do it.

tiredlady · 06/04/2010 21:09

Go with your instincts.

It sounds as if you made a very brave decision in breaking off all contact with them.

If "making your peace" (whatever the hell that means) might jeopardize your current happiness then just stay away.

Did your stepfather ever make amends or try to apologise for his behaviour? It doesn't sound like it.

I wouldn't take the risk of allowing toxic people back in my life

Original poster

Greensleeves · 06/04/2010 21:10

I forgave them a long time ago, long long before I stopped seeing them - in a way I've already been through some of the bereavement, because they hurt me far too badly for me to really see them as parents

If I did do anything, it would be for their sake, not mine

but there is no way I would be allowed to "make my peace" with him and then return to my life. My mother just wouldn't have it. It would be like poking the hornets nest, we would have to go through the whole hell all over again.

OP posts:

Surprise · 06/04/2010 21:10

My DP had a falling out with his step-father and never made his peace with him. Doesn't regret it for one moment. Says he didn't like him when he was alive, and still doesn't like him now he's dead. So if you don't want to do it then don't. He sounds horrible. The only peace you need to make is with yourself, and it sounds like you've done a good job of it so far.

PersonalClown · 06/04/2010 21:10

I remember some of your threads Greeny.
They put you through hell and IIRC made you doubt yourself.

The only decent thing is to protect yourself and your family. Don't contact them or let them back in.

salbysea · 06/04/2010 21:10

greensleeves yes I think most people WILL say go
I don't think that people who haven't had really toxic families can understand that sometimes its not just an argument that went too far and everyone loves everyone really!

noblegiraffe · 06/04/2010 21:10

Toss a coin. Heads you get in contact, tails you don't. When it's in the air, if you hope that it'll come down on a particular side, do whichever option you hoped for.

mogglemoo · 06/04/2010 21:10

You know the answer yourself.

Why is it you that 'has to make peace'? These people, who are supposed to love you, made your life a misery.

Steer clear, for your sake as well as your children.

When your stepfather dies (if you are back in contact), doesn't that give your Mum a way back into your life... and starting the cycle all over again?

I'm very sorry to read your story, but you must put yourself first.

TrillianAstra · 06/04/2010 21:10

He'll be dead soon, then it's only you and your mother left to be bothered by it.

If you don't want to be in contact with them then why would his being ill change that? There's no logical reason.

OTOH you are a grownup and you do not ever have to do as she wants. You can do as you want, without fear of her. If she asks you to do things you can say no.

ToastieLover · 06/04/2010 21:11

This part of your post speaks volumes to me:

"I made the horrendous decision to end all contact with them for my own children's benefit - it's a long and horrible story but the stress of the relationship and the demads on me was dreadful, it was making me unwell, and the episodes of rage and abuse from them when things didn't go their way were starting to upset the children".

You have made the decision already. I think it was very brave of you and it was absolutely the right thing for you.

What peace can he offer you? Yes, he is dying and yes, that leads some people to assume that a dramatically pleasing 'peace' should be made, but at the risk of what? If you trust your original decision, then I would stand by it. Do what is best for you and your family. They are your future. This man is part of a past that sounds very traumatic and damaging.

At most, I might send a card of some sorts to your mother saying that you are sorry for her distress, but you won't be seeing them. I might not even do that (although I would possibly be - selfishly - seeking to mitigate the risk of any future feelings of guilt; I've done this before).

All in all, though, I don't think your position should alter because he is dying.

CarGirl · 06/04/2010 21:12

As you haven't answered my question then I will just tell you what I really think.

Do NOT do it, it could well destroy you and your children all over again.

SuziKettles · 06/04/2010 21:14

No. Don't go. Keep that door shut. You've made, and got, your peace by the sounds of it.

Mouseface · 06/04/2010 21:15

YANBU. You made the choice to walk away from these people because of what they put you and your children through. What does your step father dying change? Nothing. Guilt is a wicked mind game of an emotion, don't let it rule your heart.

gtamom · 06/04/2010 21:16

Do not do it. Everyone dies someday, not mean they are suddenly a good person. Your mother must have some sort of denial of them being in the wrong. "make your peace" indeed!
Be strong. Tell her you will be at the funeral, wearing red and dancing on his coffin. That should keep them away!

Original poster

Greensleeves · 06/04/2010 21:16

Cargirl, I was chewing on that question

I THINK if I had a call to say he had been killed, I would be numb, feel guilty for not feeling gutted, then gradually over the course of a week or so feel sadness and probably be upset for a while - worried about my mother, but not enough to fuck up my own life and my kids' lives by letting her back in, and guilty about that

relieved maybe a bit

but mostly just guilty and rotten, but not actually sad that I won't ever see him again, because I hadn't planned to and didn't want to

I know I sound like a bitch

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/04/2010 21:16

greeny

have been there too, only difference is i got the call AFTER SF had gone

all i know is that for the 10 years ive had no contact with my mother ive felt happy, at peace, not anxious, not belittled.

i know it would be a mistake for me to go back there, so i dont.

my SF was abusive in the exteme, with a mother who allowed the abuse to go unchecked and even used my fear of SF to get her own way on many occasions. i know i couldnt go back and while i too have forgiven in as much as i dont let them take up any of my thoughts these days, i just know thats it for me. im done. and i always will be as going back would i know be far too damaging. nothing will have changed. so, my advice to you would be, if your happy as you are, then dont go backwards.
ive not regretted it one jot.

Eglu · 06/04/2010 21:18

Don't do it. You needed to involve police as your situation was that bad. That is not something you want to rake up again.

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