NOT to make peace with my dying stepfather?

[Greensleeves]

There may still be the odd poster around who remembers my ongoing saga with my mother - MN was my lifeline while I was disentangling myself from my awful relationship with her and my stepfather

it's been several years now since I had any contact with them - it all ended very nastily and painfully with us having to involve the police and the harrassment act etc

I made the horrendous decision to end all contact with them for my own children's benefit - it's a long and horrible story but the stress of the relationship and the demads on me was dreadful, it was making me unwell, and the episodes of rage and abuse from them when things didn't go their way were starting to upset the children

So today I had a phone call from my father (who isn't in contact with them, but is with my sister) to say that my sister (who wasn't in contact with them at all but reappeared in their lives after I broke contact) had been asked by my mother to tell me that my stepfather has a brain tumour, is in hospital, chemo has failed, his kidneys have shut down, and "if I want to make my peace I need to do it now"

If I do ANYTHING in the way of friendly overtures - a card, a message, anything at all - I will have opened the door we had to nail shut by involving the police - and my mother will be aiming to get her steel claws back into me

I had NO life at all when I was involved with her - I was entirely at her beck and call, I had no friends (at all), no job, no social life, no support network

in the past few years I have built a life I love and she will expect to be able to dismantle it and just use me in any way she can

and my stepfather....well he did some things I have only been able to really deal with since NOT being in an everyday relationship with him, I don't know how I would "make my peace" with him. I don't trust my sister as far as I could throw her either - she haqs betrayed, deceived, bullied and generally hated me for years and I haven't seen her for ten years

but I know I am sounding horribly heartless and 99% of my mind says the only decent thing to do is get in touch

help

vicar, did you go to the funeral or have any contact at all with your mother?

The thing is, with my mother it will be all or nothing. If I open the door even just a tiny chink - a message via my dad and my sister to say I'm sorry to hear about it - then the volleys of phone calls and letters and visits and general terrorism WILL start again, only even more supercharged because she will be widowed as well.

You don't sound like a bitch. You sound like a survivor.

I only went to my dad's funeral to check he was actually dead - they wouldn't let me switch the flames to cremate him!!

I never "made peace" with him because he was a worthless piece of shit - people told me i'll regret it at some point - but 5 years down the line i'm still glad he's gone.

I think that unless people have been in your situation and know exactly what has gone on - it's impossible for them to judge.

You're not being heartless - you are just protecting yourself - i feel so much better knowing he's dead and can't bother me anymore.

x

Greensleeves, I think that VicarInaTutu's post is compelling.

I have 'culled' some family members from my life and have been so much happier for it. It took me years to do, but I will never go back, no matter what befalls them or me.

Greensleeves you do not sound like a bitch.

There is a verse in the bible that says "do not be like dog returning to your own vomit" or words to that affect. What it means in the context it is written is that if someone or something is damaging to you then you should walk away.

So I would say to you as a christian who can tell you all about how important it is to forgive others however much they've hurt you is "do not return to your own vomit". All you would be doing is walking back into a toxic situation that would harm you and your family.

Where is the guilt coming from? Per chance from your mothers words ringing in your ears?

you dont sound like a bitch at all!

you sound like someone who puts her own dcs and family first which is the way it should be.

What do you feel guilty about? HE could have contacted YOU if he was that bothered, not put the responsibility on you to do the running.

Though to be fair to your mum/sister, at least she has told you before he has died to give you a choice I suppose.

I wouldn't.

Just because someone is dying doesn't change who they are, who they were and what they have done.

All this make your peace stuff is shit - that's saying that all this is your fault and you need to go there and get deathbed forgiveness. fuck that.

If he was a bastard all his life, then he's a bastard now he's dying and he'll be a bastard once he's dead. You broke off contact for a reason. To go fawning over him just because he's dying would make you a hypocrite. Which I know you are not.

Deathbed forgiveness is something you go for if you want or need it. It sounds like neither apply.

I also think there is no excuse for abusing - or faciliating the abuse of - a child. For that reason, I don't believe you owe them anything.

FAcilitating - damn no edit button

Don't do it Greeny, and don't feel guilty about it.

no. i didnt. and thats another decision i feel refreshingly ok about.

i just dont belong there any more. i feel ok about myself and the last thing i need is to get dragged backwards, and i just know thats what would happen.

plus, the abuse i suffered was quite horrific. i never wanted to make that ok for any of them - its not that i cant forgive as such, just i dont see why i should make it ok for them. ive moved on quite a long way, and i just know that any contact would have taken me back to a place i dont want to be in.

my mother would have been the same - all or nothing. id rather have nothing. so i keep it that way. im good with that.

greeny...don't go back there

you owe them nothing...and yourself+kids everything

Don't go there. If you think for a second that she will make your life hell again then stay away.

I don't think you can go back when you have had to involve the police, it was obviously a terrible time for you. Move on and up with your life and don't look back or feel guilty for looking after yourself.

Don't you just want to get on with your life? You've grieved his passing already. Poor you, ok they've let you know what is going on, maybe just out of politeness, but that doesn't mean you have to act on it.

Aside from the general advice: I am truly sorry for those with these kinds of pasts.

I think the letting me know in advance is just my mother using the situation to try and guilt me into coming back

I know it sounds awful, but I know her and my sister and it's just depressingly transparent

my sister apparently said to my dad "mum is in a terrible state, when he dies she won't cope because she doesn't know how to do bills and all that"

she did all the financial stuff when I was growing up, she is more than capable and actually very canny

she would do anything to get me and my children back into her life, anything.

BUT aside from that, is it the right thing to do for me to be kind to him before he dies?

How can you make peace with him greeny? He hasn't given you the chance.

Leave it. So sorry.

I wouldn't. From all you say it wouldn't be just "making your peace", it would open the floodgates. and as you say, you've closed that chapter.

I am a bit jealous you've managed to do that. You don't need to forgive them. I tend to think forgiveness is highly overrated as a virtue; moving on and not having to wallow in and resent the toxic old issues has to be healthier.

Greeny please don't do it, please stop feeling bad and strengthen your resolve to prevent them from harming your children.

CarGirl love your post - do not return to your own vomit. I'll never forget that.

Greeny who do not sound anywhere close to a bitch, you sound like someone who had a lucky escape.

One day I will get a phone call saying that either my stepfather or mother is 'on their deathbed' type of thing. I think I will put the phone down without saying a word. I will turn and look at my daughter, and I will smile.

Don't look back, Greeny.

I doubt I'll even be invited to the funeral when my father goes.

I cut all contact with him when I was 18 - almost 14 years ago. He didn't come to my uni graduation, he didn't come to my wedding, he's never met my children and never will. I don't regret any of it. He's evil.

Your Step Dad will still be the same horrible man he was, just a dying version.

YANBU to ignore this inivtation. As others have said, you've already done your grieving. Why go through it all again?

No its not the right thing. Not when the costs are that high.
Don't do it. You will regret it far more than you could regret not doing it.

Look, I don't know you but I have to tell you that people reap what they sow

and everybody dies

so what?

if there is enough there to make you close the door on them, what difference does dying make? You have already taken the decision a while ago it sounds to close that door - death doesn't open doors, it is living well that opens doors.

It is not your role to make peace here. It sounds that you did what you did for your family and sanity - aren't they still the most important thing? So you're getting pulled back into it - that's just guilt - and do you know who instills the guilt button in us? our mothers!