NOT to make peace with my dying stepfather?

[Greensleeves]

There may still be the odd poster around who remembers my ongoing saga with my mother - MN was my lifeline while I was disentangling myself from my awful relationship with her and my stepfather

it's been several years now since I had any contact with them - it all ended very nastily and painfully with us having to involve the police and the harrassment act etc

I made the horrendous decision to end all contact with them for my own children's benefit - it's a long and horrible story but the stress of the relationship and the demads on me was dreadful, it was making me unwell, and the episodes of rage and abuse from them when things didn't go their way were starting to upset the children

So today I had a phone call from my father (who isn't in contact with them, but is with my sister) to say that my sister (who wasn't in contact with them at all but reappeared in their lives after I broke contact) had been asked by my mother to tell me that my stepfather has a brain tumour, is in hospital, chemo has failed, his kidneys have shut down, and "if I want to make my peace I need to do it now"

If I do ANYTHING in the way of friendly overtures - a card, a message, anything at all - I will have opened the door we had to nail shut by involving the police - and my mother will be aiming to get her steel claws back into me

I had NO life at all when I was involved with her - I was entirely at her beck and call, I had no friends (at all), no job, no social life, no support network

in the past few years I have built a life I love and she will expect to be able to dismantle it and just use me in any way she can

and my stepfather....well he did some things I have only been able to really deal with since NOT being in an everyday relationship with him, I don't know how I would "make my peace" with him. I don't trust my sister as far as I could throw her either - she haqs betrayed, deceived, bullied and generally hated me for years and I haven't seen her for ten years

but I know I am sounding horribly heartless and 99% of my mind says the only decent thing to do is get in touch

help

No, don't open that door again. "Making peace" should have happened a long time ago. And that would have meant those toxic people changing themselves radically and understanding how damaging they had been. That hasn't happened, and it definitely won't happen just because someone's on their deathbed.

A few years ago, some time after cutting contact with my mother, I discovered by accident that she was terminally ill. I didn't make contact then because there would have been no point. It would just have meant that she had yet another excuse for being controlling.

Please don't go back there.

also he has had a diagnosis and had the time for chemo and had the time to mend his bridges. Having a life-limiting condition makes you re-evaluate what you have done - he did not see fit to mend bridges so you are still in the wrong in their eyes obviously. You need to keep that door shut

I had a somewhat strained relationship with my Dad, and saw him before he died, and was there with him, my db and Dad's wife when he died.

However, when he died I felt relief, as if I could start being me as opposed to being the person/daughter he expected me to be. Our relationship was toxic for years, and nothing could have mended that. I'm glad I saw him before he died for me, but my parents were divorced, so my relationship with my Mum was fine, and I have seen my Dad's wife twice since his funeral in 2001.

Stay well away Greeny. You have found a level of balance and equanimity, and you don't need to go back to the crap; nor do your kids. He isn't a blood relation, you owe him nothing.

according to my sister (I am getting messages via her from my dad - our family is so fragmented it's like Chinese whispers)

he was taken into hospital two days ago

it was then confirmed that he had cancer on two sites on his brain

they immediately tried chemo, it failed because his kidneys couldn't handle it

so now they have been told there is nothing more to be done and if I want to make my peace I need to do it now

it's all very sudden, my sister said

Hi Greensleeves,

Agree with the majority here, please do not go. Totally different situation to yours as fortunately I had a great dad but have a barking mother. When he passed away last Nov, my mum, aunt and 2 of my 3 sisters put a huge amount of pressure on me to see his body, saying I could not mourn properly unless I did. They all knew nothing of how I was processing it and what my gut instincts were telling me. I felt terribly guilty being the only member of the family to not do it, my mum thinks I'm heartless.

Now - I don't regret following my heart for a second (my eldest sister says she will regret it for the rest of her life, but felt too guilty not to). What I'm trying to say is doing the right thing or done thing is a load of crap - you do not need to be there now or afterwards, you'll do whatever you need to do in your own way and own time. I know if I'd done something I hadn't wanted to do, it would not just have been me who would have suffered - my dh and dd would have to.

Don't do it, my own father died over 25yrs ago and I didn't go to his funeral and have never regreted it NOT once.

is it the right thing to do for me to be kind to him before he dies?

No. Why? Does he deserve it?

So he's dying.

You owe him nothing. He has not earned your love, your respect or a place in your life. Just because he's dying, has any of that changed? Has he earned your love, respect or a place in your life? No, of course not.

And bugger what other people think! Don't let yourself be guilted into this by your relatives! This whole thing people have of canonising the dead is a pile of shit. As is oh, he/she's dying, let's flock round and say how great they are, let's have a big love in and pretend they aren't a great big vat of putrid liquefying faeces.

BTW your sister laying on the 'make your peace' cliche does not make the phrase real, they put you through hell so one more conversation is not going to bring some sudden relvation and utter peace for you all. My dad died of lung cancer and despite that, my mum continued through his decline to make it all about her and in addition continued to smoke 30 a day (my Dad hadn't smoked for 35 years) even when he was struggling to breathe.

You sound like a lovely person and because of that, you'll never extinguish the hope that perhaps this time, things could work out. But believe me, I've caused myself over 30 years of pain believing that and one day you have to let it go.

only get in touch in aroundabout way, to check that this is actualluy true and not some plot to get you back in thier clutches.

examine your reasons here - what would you hope to gain from this?

i do understand the temptation - the hope that something might change. but it doesnt.

my half brother got in touch, i tried to be open and friendly and within literally 30 minutes into a conversation i realised id made a massive mistake.

i wont make it again. as much as it hurts sometimes, my mother will never be what i want her to be and ive learnt to accept that. my SF dying really made no impact on my life now, and i suppose in a way im glad it was sudden as i guess id be in a similar dilemma to you now - but trust me - dont go backwards.

if youve moved on then stay moved on. yes it will play on your mind for a while, but id really resist contact for yours and your families sake. why invite chaos and conflict back into your life? dont choose that.

"BUT aside from that, is it the right thing to do for me to be kind to him before he dies?"

I think you should. This is a once in a lifetime, you will never be able to undo your actions. Your mother would like to know that he will leave this world forgiven by you. I think, for your mother and SF, that you should try and treat it as water under the bridge. I think that karma will be involved.

Do you think maybe your sister is doing this so that she doesn't get landed with your mum? Is she trying to hook you back in to let her off?

how do I do that though fallon? If I ring the hospital or whatever, they will tell my mother I enquired and the ohone calls and harasment will start again, straight away

she will EXPECT me to cave in and come back, he will expect me to look after her and take over running her life - my sister doesn't live near them, she is just visiting, and they have no other friends or family (my mother upsets everyone)

Please don't let them back in Greeny.
Take care of yourself and your family now.

it's what comes after that that frightens me claig

you don't know what my life was like with her in it

I am not sure whether my typing will help you at all but I thought I should write anyway. I had a complicated relationship with my dad and while the situation is not the same I thought it could maybe give you some perspective?

I had very loose contact with my father, he and my mum had a nasty divorce, he didn't care for me and I know he hurt my mother, the greatest person I know, so much that often I just couldn't stand to be around him. Overall our relationship was just pretty bad. I have never cut him out but he was the kind of father who would even forget to call on my birthday and there were periods when I only heard from him twice a year.
He was diagnosed with cancer a good few years back while I was still at high school and all of the sudden he and his wife wanted to have a lot of contact with me. I tried but since our relationship was so bad before it just didn't change. I felt sad but not terrible after his diagnosis and did go on to do my gap year as planned. He and his wife were quite nasty about it as that meant I wouldn't visit anymore. They tried to guilt me into coming back whenever he got worse but, as much of a bitch as this makes me sound now, I didn't and I carried on living my life.
He only died 1.5 years ago and I found out that he had kicked me out of his testament completely. Same goes for my sister who has cared for him immensely, washed him when he was too sick and so on. I was abroad when he died and got told in a text message. My sister ho was close by was not informed early enough to make her peace, which she would have liked to. We are very different, she feels very strongly about not having seen him again before he died, I do not.

Making my peace for me would mean something completely different to me than for a lot of other people I guess, namely tell him what I think about him. That I never thought of him as a dad, just a father (if that makes sense to you), that I know all the bad stuff he did, for example that he wanted me aborted because he already cheated on my mum when she found out she was pregnant (planned). I only found this out when I was about 17, my mum always supported me and pushed me to have contact but I didn't want to.
I would also tell him that I am more than angry that he didn't fulfil that last wish I made to him when seeing him the last time (asking him to return a piece of hand-me down from me dead maternal grandpa) even though he would have had time.

Thinking about him now I think about all these things that I would like to tell him but I can't anymore. I am not upset I didn't make peace with him in the usual way, but I still think about him a lot. I do know though that what ifs don't help. The death of my father has led to a complete break with my paternal family and I am not willing to let them back into my life. Their behaviour has damaged me psychologically and I do not consider them as part of my family anymore. Just having a blood relation, in my eyes, does not make you a family. No one in my family should hurt me that much.

Looking at your situation I somehow have a feeling that you are a bit like me. You would feel upset, of course, but his death is not going to throw you into depression. What would you say? You seem to have broken with them long ago and your reasons sound quite dramatic. You don't seem to want to make peace, whatever that is. And why should you? What does your mum expect? That you actually go and ay sorry? Because it doesn't sound realistic that you would do so. But honestly, other than that there is not much to do.
And if you are worried your mum wants back into your life it would seem silly to now go and say good bye to your step father. Unless of course you need this for closure. The way it sounds though it seems that you have had that closure a while back.

Sorry this was so long but I hope it helps. Loads of babbling, I know.
Good luck!

claig - sometimes the healthy option is to not forgive.

i posted on a thread the other day where a mother whose partner was abusing her children - i posted a letter i wrote when i was 10 years old. i had found it among my dead sisters belongings, and i had only ever looked at it once since i found it in 2004.

i printed an extract from it in the vein hope that it would stop another mother allowing an abusive SF hurt her kids, but it was actually very shocking to read what he said to me, what he did, the venom and hate he displayed for me as a 10 year old child.

what good would it do me to have gone and said "its all ok" to that? no. im happy for him to die by what he did, and for my mother to live with it.

it was their adult choice.
my adult choice it to have a good life, great DH, smashing kids and a good decent job. and not have let that stop me in achieving any of that.

The day my step-father died I felt like a weight I didn't even know had been lifted.

He died nastily from lung cancer & secondary brain tumors.

His body was as rotten and corrupt as the rest of him and he deserved it.

You have made your peace with your decision for the last few years don't let your mother have the chance to ruin that.

Don't go. You have answered your own question here. You have said that contact will lead to the past and your mum being back in your life. You've said that you don't want that. You have said that already this situation is being used in an attempt to manipulate you. And you have said that you are not good at hiding your emotions/ lying- it would not be 'kind' to stand by his deathbed and falsify emotion that you don't feel. The kind thing to do is let well alone. (Not that i get the impression he deserves kindness) You are free from the 'hooks' of your mother and this man. Please trust your own instincts here. You do not need us to justify your actions, you know whats in your heart and whats best for you and your family. Stand by and trust the very brave decisions that you have made. Good luck. X

Greensleeves, I think you have to face what comes after. I don't think that you can escape this. It is too important. Your mother will be devastated, she will be grieving and she will need help. Your sister will help her. If you can help her as well that would be great, but only you know how far you can go.

To echo what everyone else has said, you do not sound like a bitch. You're a survivor.

In a similar vein, my biological father naffed off out of my life when I was 7 or 8. Never seen or heard from him again, although two of my siblings have had intermittant contact with him. I'm bloody lucky that I have an amazing (step)father who is my dad and who has loved me unconditionally.

If I heard my biological was dying and wanted to see me to 'make his peace', I would laugh in his face. Why should I allow him to get his peace, and go to his grave feeling absolved, while I am left to possibly lose mine? Do what is right for you - not him.

If you are worried about others in your family judging you (although f**k them!), or that you may feel guilty, you could write to him. State what you need to state but allow him and your mother no come back. It would be 'peace' on your terms. You and your family are the most important people here - not an abusive step parent and mother.

Be strong.

claig, my mother doesn't give a stuff about him

they are together because they are too lazy to separate

she frequently joked about being a "merry widow" when I was seeing her, and calculated what she would do with the life insurance if he died

he had a heart attack a few years ago and gave up smoking - she was still getting him to light her fags for her and put them out

I grew up around their violent rows and constant sniping and poisonous silences

nothing is as simple as it looks

and don't I have to face it NOW, what will happen after, because I have my mown children's emotional wellbeing to consider?

You have already made your peace where it counts: with yourself.

My grandfather died alone in his flat, undiscovered for several days. I was heavily pregnant at the time. All I felt, and still feel, is joy that my son will never have to even know he existed. I didn't go to the funeral and actually everyone who did was basically celebrating the end of his life, because he was vile. That includes my dad (his son), btw.

Go forward in peace and enjoy

Maybe it's not a case of forgiving him and making peace with him. It doesn't sound like the things he's done are forgiveable - and on his deathbed he'll have his own demons and battles to deal with.

BUT If there's still a lot of things unspoken, things YOU haven't said then those things need to be voiced.

This can be a private thing that needn't involve your own mother. The relationship is between you and your stepfather and like any relationship - good or bad - it's only the two people in it who can understand or know.

So, if there's still things you've got to say, then you need to say them, otherwise they will haunt you forever. The worse thing is to supress something - it will only cause destruction later on.

Find a calm moment and write a letter. Free yourself. Find resolution, for YOU, not him.