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Original poster

NOT to make peace with my dying stepfather?

173 replies

Greensleeves · 06/04/2010 21:04

There may still be the odd poster around who remembers my ongoing saga with my mother - MN was my lifeline while I was disentangling myself from my awful relationship with her and my stepfather

it's been several years now since I had any contact with them - it all ended very nastily and painfully with us having to involve the police and the harrassment act etc

I made the horrendous decision to end all contact with them for my own children's benefit - it's a long and horrible story but the stress of the relationship and the demads on me was dreadful, it was making me unwell, and the episodes of rage and abuse from them when things didn't go their way were starting to upset the children

So today I had a phone call from my father (who isn't in contact with them, but is with my sister) to say that my sister (who wasn't in contact with them at all but reappeared in their lives after I broke contact) had been asked by my mother to tell me that my stepfather has a brain tumour, is in hospital, chemo has failed, his kidneys have shut down, and "if I want to make my peace I need to do it now"

If I do ANYTHING in the way of friendly overtures - a card, a message, anything at all - I will have opened the door we had to nail shut by involving the police - and my mother will be aiming to get her steel claws back into me

I had NO life at all when I was involved with her - I was entirely at her beck and call, I had no friends (at all), no job, no social life, no support network

in the past few years I have built a life I love and she will expect to be able to dismantle it and just use me in any way she can

and my stepfather....well he did some things I have only been able to really deal with since NOT being in an everyday relationship with him, I don't know how I would "make my peace" with him. I don't trust my sister as far as I could throw her either - she haqs betrayed, deceived, bullied and generally hated me for years and I haven't seen her for ten years

but I know I am sounding horribly heartless and 99% of my mind says the only decent thing to do is get in touch

help

OP posts:
Original poster
Greensleeves · 06/04/2010 22:04

I'm not really "at leace" with it though

dh thinks I am mad, and so do I, but I DO feel sad and sick at the thought of him lying in a hospital bed, terrified and in pain

I don't get to wash my hands of it and not feel guilty - I WILL feel guilty if I don't do it

but I also feel I can't, and shouldn't, for the reasons I've given

so I'm confused, and feeling horrible

OP posts:
pigletmania · 06/04/2010 22:04

Dont do it either, steer well away they have caused you nothing but trouble and you do not want to go down that dark road again. You have a family you and your dcs so concentrate on that and enjoy the lovely life you have made for yourself.

BetsyBoop · 06/04/2010 22:05

leave the guilt to one side & think about your reasons not about how they will feel if you do/don't do something.

If you want to do it for you and know that you will regret it if you don't, then make your peace with him.

If you feel you are obliged to do it for them, or it's the right thing to do for them then don't.

(IMHO from what you've posted it sounds like the latter to me)

FWIW DH's relationship with his father broke down when he was in his 20s and he never saw/spoke/had any contact with him before he died a few years ago & didn't even go to the funeral. He has never ever regretted it. (OTOH his sister went to the funeral "just to make sure he definitely was dead" )

Original poster
Greensleeves · 06/04/2010 22:06

serendipity I can't think of anything I could say to him

I never really talked to him, he was a hollow, shallow, strangely incomplete man who followed my mother in and out of her weird bipolar rages/fantasies/crazes

but he also took me to my dental appointments and drove me to and from school and paid for my clothes and gave me birthday presents

he has two adult children of his own he has no contact with

it's so hard to explain, they are not normal people at all

OP posts:
ifancyashandy · 06/04/2010 22:06

If you are really worried that the guilt will be too much, could you visit him when you know no-one else will be there? Could that be a condition you could put in place with your mother? That way YOU get to say your goodbyes without your mother getting her 'steel claws' into you?

ScaredOne · 06/04/2010 22:06

Could you write him a letter? Saying what needs to be said? Maybe that will ease a bit of your guilt

salbysea · 06/04/2010 22:07

claig, I'm sorry but I think you are WAAAY off
your posts sound like a reply to someone who did get on fine with someone, then fell out over something and neither side ever got around to making the first move.

Does the OPs step father even WANT forgiveness? ie, you have to think you did something wrong before you will want or accept forgiveness!

The OP owes them nothing, and owes herself and her family (i.e kids) a happy peaceful life

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/04/2010 22:08

greeny - do you want to see him? is it just the thought of having contact with your mother that stops you?

claig · 06/04/2010 22:09

Greensleeves, I think people are strange, they can argue, swear at each other and be mean to each other, but they may still love each other. What appears on the surface is not what goes on deep within the heart. You can't judge a book by its cover.

We differ about Christ's teachings, but I think that they reflect the way the world really works with respect to karma. I think these words are worth considering

"Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you shall be forgiven."

and the words from the Lord's prayer

"forgive us our trespasses as we forgive them that trespass against us"

It is very hard to do, and it may not be possible, but if you can do it, it is a very great thing to do.

Original poster
Greensleeves · 06/04/2010 22:10

no, if I'm honest I don't want to see him and I have nothing useful I could say to him

it would be an awful, empty encounter

but I don't want him to be suffering or scared or in pain either, and I know he is, and I maybe OUGHT to "be there"

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 06/04/2010 22:10

Nope. You made your decision. The right one. Nothing has changed.

Is he going to have an epiphany and realise what a shit he has been? Doubt it.

He was no use to you alive. `Quite the opposite.

Let them get on with it. You get on with the life you have made for yourself.

ScaredOne · 06/04/2010 22:11

Well him being there is not your fault at all so don't go because of that. You don't want to see him? That's totally fine then and I think you shouldn't!

Original poster
Greensleeves · 06/04/2010 22:11

I don't love him claig, I did once, but I stopped. I remember it clearly, it was a horrible splitting process that caused me a lot of pain.

and I HAVE forgiven him. I don't wish him , or anyone, harm.

it's just not as simple as you think. Not everything can be summed up in a couple of lines from the new testament.

OP posts:
salbysea · 06/04/2010 22:13

"but he also took me to my dental appointments and drove me to and from school and paid for my clothes and gave me birthday presents"

and so he should, and none of the above gives him a get out of jail free card to be vile

Abusive, toxic parents make out like them doing the minimum requirements of raising a kid were a massive favor and you owe them for it. Think of the thread title "but we took you to stately homes". In my OHs case it was, you owe ME (said his father) because I put you through school??? err yeah mate! you're SUPPOSED to give your kid an education and YOU choose a private one cause of some sort of issue you had with your social status!. Just like dental appointments - why would you even think of that as if it was a kindness - it is a BASIC and the fact that you mention it speaks volumes about the what you've been through

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/04/2010 22:13

greeny - so you just feel you should go out of some kind of "duty"?

you wont be able to stop him being in pain or scared.

i think you know the answer, in all honesty but your feeling guilty and need to be told its ok not to go.

so, its ok not to go. it really is.

dont go out of a misguided sense of duty. go only if you really really want to go. and dont go if you dont want to.

ifancyashandy · 06/04/2010 22:14

Oh your poor thing.... how awful for you to feel this guilt (sends virtual hug).

Remember, if he is in hospital, and in pain, he will be off his trolley on the good drugs! And that will also mean he is not suffering.

I really hope you don't think I am being flippant - I really mean it. His suffering (if he is) will not be eased by you being there (especially if his pain relief is working - he wont know his own name) but your suffering could be increased by you being there.

CatherineEarnshaw · 06/04/2010 22:18

I am in similar but with real father and rest of family because of it.
No - I would say don't do it
Your family don't deserve it - nor does he

GoldenSnitch · 06/04/2010 22:18

I remember that feeling of realising that you just can't forgive them anymore.

It is the worst bit. It only gets better after that.

tiredlady · 06/04/2010 22:23

Greensleeves,

How would your being there stop his suffering or pain?

what would your presence in hospital do for him or you?

You owe him and your mother nothing. A parent who abuses their child automatically forfeits any loyalty that might accompany them in old age.

Stay away. Going back to see him will be like opening Pandora's box

Original poster
Greensleeves · 06/04/2010 22:29

thanks everyone for posting your advice and for sharing your own experiences, it means a lot to me, it really does

My dad is coming to stay with us tomorrow (prearranged, not because of this) so he will want to talk about it properly and I don't know what his perspective will be

he supported me in breaking off contact because he waqs horrified by the way they hbehaved, andhe has been horrified again at some of the things that have come out since

but he is compassionate, and biddable, and a bit weak so I don't know whether he is just going to think "he's dying, nothing else matters, you must do the right thing"

I feel physically sick actually, dh will need to go to sleep soon and I just feel horribly, jumpily awake

OP posts:
ifancyashandy · 06/04/2010 22:31

Big. Glass. Vino xxx

MadameDefarge · 06/04/2010 22:33

Well GS, you need to decide whether you are going to be nice and biddable or weak, or strong and sure of your own place in the world. Nobody else's opinion counts in this. Only your needs, desires and wants.

You need to own them and to do what they direct you to do. That way lies freedom. From Mother, from SF and from anyone else.

CatherineEarnshaw · 06/04/2010 22:33

this feeling is why you need to be strong Greeny
This will pass - stepfather will die and life will return to normal.
If you let them 'back in' this feeling may return
After he has died they will all cease any contact again and you can get back on with your lovely life x

Mouseface · 06/04/2010 22:34

"he's dying, nothing else matters, you must do the right thing" YES, for you! Don't go there Greensleeves.

Go snuggle up in bed with your DH. Even if you don't sleep, go and feel warm somewhere, feel safe. This must be raking up memories..........

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 06/04/2010 22:35

The 'right' thing is what is best for your family - that's you, your husband and your kids.

do they deserve to have your mother in their life? Is it the right thing for you to bring her back into your lives?

They are what matters, not her, and not some 'duty' that other people feel you ought to feel to people who have treated you like shit.