NOT to make peace with my dying stepfather?

[Greensleeves]

There may still be the odd poster around who remembers my ongoing saga with my mother - MN was my lifeline while I was disentangling myself from my awful relationship with her and my stepfather

it's been several years now since I had any contact with them - it all ended very nastily and painfully with us having to involve the police and the harrassment act etc

I made the horrendous decision to end all contact with them for my own children's benefit - it's a long and horrible story but the stress of the relationship and the demads on me was dreadful, it was making me unwell, and the episodes of rage and abuse from them when things didn't go their way were starting to upset the children

So today I had a phone call from my father (who isn't in contact with them, but is with my sister) to say that my sister (who wasn't in contact with them at all but reappeared in their lives after I broke contact) had been asked by my mother to tell me that my stepfather has a brain tumour, is in hospital, chemo has failed, his kidneys have shut down, and "if I want to make my peace I need to do it now"

If I do ANYTHING in the way of friendly overtures - a card, a message, anything at all - I will have opened the door we had to nail shut by involving the police - and my mother will be aiming to get her steel claws back into me

I had NO life at all when I was involved with her - I was entirely at her beck and call, I had no friends (at all), no job, no social life, no support network

in the past few years I have built a life I love and she will expect to be able to dismantle it and just use me in any way she can

and my stepfather....well he did some things I have only been able to really deal with since NOT being in an everyday relationship with him, I don't know how I would "make my peace" with him. I don't trust my sister as far as I could throw her either - she haqs betrayed, deceived, bullied and generally hated me for years and I haven't seen her for ten years

but I know I am sounding horribly heartless and 99% of my mind says the only decent thing to do is get in touch

help

I may be completely out of order here, but are you sure he's dying? Sounds like your sister and mother would stop at nothing to manipulate you. Apologies if this is an innapropriate comment.

What does it mean? make your peace with him?
what are you supposed to say to him? what is he supposed to say to you?

do you think he really cares whether you come to his deathbed?

you can't help him in any way. You are not his daughter.

I don't think this is about you and him and your split. This is about your mother trying to manipulate you. So, yes, of course you feel sorry for him - I'm sure you would feel very bad to hear about any person dying horribly in hospital but that isn't the point is it?

Why don't you send the message back that you forgave him a long time ago and have made peace in your heart and that you have nothing to say to him now.

It must have taken massive strength to break away and take the situation to its eventual conclusion - for god's sake don't fuck it up now -you owe it to your children to preserve the life they have now.

giddly, that has crossed dh's mind too, but we have no way of verifying anything without opening up the whole can of worms

what my sister told my dad was that he had been taken into hospital a couple of days ago, having had suspected brain cancer - they confirmed that it is brain cancer and there are two sites on his brain affected, which were quite near the skull so they were optimistic

then they tried chemo and it didn't work because his kidneys couldn't handle it

so they have been told that there is nothing more that can be done and death is imminent, so if I want to make my peace I need to do it now

does it sound right? My dad spoke to my sister and he doesn't think it is anything but the truth.

based on what you've said, I could live with it, ignoring the situation I mean.

So really its just a case of will it eat you up in future.

It wouldnt me...but would it you?

Greensleeves,
I've just read your thread and wanted to say that the reason you are feeling confused/ guilty is because you are a GOOD person. Life is never black and white and for most of us, no matter how hard we try, it hard to turn our back on our family/ past/ childhood.
You owe this man nothing. You owe your mother and Sister nothing.
Nothing has changed in your life. A while back, you realised you deserved better and so you moved on. I can't imagine how hard this must have been for you, but you were strong and you did it!
Please, please believe that your feelings of guilt are completely 'normal' but you really must try your hardest not to let them drag you down again.
Good luck Green, you deserve to be happy because you are a good person.

Greensleeves

your children are your priority now
they need a strong happy mum
by returning to a hideous situation you would jeopardise that

don't do it
good luck

Greensleeves - the only thing you OUGHT to be doing, is what you believe to be the right thing for your children.
If you cannot find the strength to stay away for yourself, then do it for them.

I really, really don't think you should go, or make contact in any way. This is not about straight forward forgiveness, and anyway you can forgive from a distance. Turning the other cheek is one thing, but going back for more abuse and harrassment is quite another.

claig - your posts are way off and I think quite unhelpful unfortunately.

YANBU - have only skimmed through first page but purely on your OP it sounds like things were bad with your mum and step-dad. You don't owe them anything, and it really sounds as if you going to his "deathbed" will open a new can a worms for you. Don't do it, even if you worry about regretting (though god knows why you would), don't.
Best thoughts going out to you x

thanks Alibabaaandthe40nappies. My posts are to help Greensleeves, not you. I am not interested in helping you.

Greensleeves, you can't take away his pain or suffering, and to be honest if he has cancer of the brain it is very soon going to be a point where he wont even know who you are.

You had lots of very good reasons to cut them out of your life- and those reasons are still good. By all means forgive them so that what they did doesn't eat you up, but that doesn't mean be their temporary new best friend. When you cut them out then it was a lifelong commitment and his life is coming to an end.

YANBU to not go and see them, and reopen the toxic can of worms that is your mum. If she is dreadful when things are going well, she will most likely be truly awful when the shock and pain of grief gives way to the anger at her loss.

claig I don't object to you having your say and putting your viewpoint, I did ask for it and I knew some people would have a different perspective. I deeply appreciate ALL the posts and hope people realise how much it means to have this sort of support and advice available. I'm glad I posted the thread and I do want to think it through, so people having different opinions is helpful.

I don't think I am going to go and see him or make any kind of overture though. I just daren't open the door tbh - it's my worst fear, having her back in my life and everything tumbling down around me. I can't face it.

Greensleeves, if you kept your distance that would be absolutely fine in the circumstances. But if 99% of you feels it would be the decent thing to get back in touch, could you live with ignoring the situation? However awful he has been to you, you are basically kind and have compassion for him as a suffering person.

Only you truly know how you feel. Would it help to write down how you feel in a letter. You don't have to send it, but it might help make things clearer in your own mind. This thread is the first I have read of your situation so please ignore if this advice isn't appropriate. HTH

imagine if it was all true, and the OP went and then the docs were wrong, and he lived for another 2 years!

Hope you were able to switch your mind off. I'm still here, can't sleep myself - aren't we all haunted by the past!
Anyhow, it's clear that your step-father was a broken man for reasons of his own and that you are a good person with a good heart - and your stepfather became a bad part of your life.

Your life has moved on, and the new family you have created now you can hold that precious.

You are the better person, you have strength and dignity. Don't be blinded by anything else and don't let the toxicity of the rest of your family seep back in.
You can find peace with your step father not because you forgive the things he's done but because you are a good person.
Does that make sense?
Your step fathers' time on this earth is nearly done - wish him nothing bad, and know you are the stronger for it, a good role model to your children and you have the rest of your life ahead of you.

Goodnightx

Greensleeves, I think you've made the right decision in not going to see him.

It doesn't matter whether others think you sound heartless, they've not been through what you have been through with these people. What other people think really doesn't matter.

From what you've said, I don't think you owe him (or your mother) anything at all. You first priority has got to be your family, you, DH and your children. Do what's best for you.

Sending messages to you that "if you want to make your peace you need to do it now" imply that you are the one in the wrong and need to do something to get forgiveness from the person about to die.

From reading your OP and skimming the rest of the thread it sounds like it should be your SF that needs to make peace with you - or at least beg forgiveness from you. He's had time - both when well and poorly - to contact you and try to make peace with you and he hasn't. If it was that important to him, he would have done. This is just a passive agressive way of reaching out to try to take control of you again, make you do something that you really don't need to do for their own agenda.

You have got your peace from walking away from a terrible situation and creating a safe, secure and loving family environment for your own family.

If you ring the hospital then if you ask them not to tell your estranged mother that you called they should probably respect that - although if they tell your SF and he tells them then you can't control that.

There are a couple of things you could do - firstly, think what you would write on a thread like this that somebody else in a similar situation had written on mumsnet if you had read it whilst you were going through all the difficult times with your SF, at this point and a few years down the line both if you had and hadn't contacted your SF. And then see if it is different depending on time and gives you any insight as to what you do now.

then, if you do feel like making contact - or even just in talking to your dad and / or sis, ask them for clarification. What exactly do they mean by making your peace? Do they want you to say that you forgive him for [insert terrible things here]? Or does he want to say sorry for [insert terrible things here]? Why did he not want to apologise when he was well? Spell it out in black and white so they can be reminded how dreadful he was to you and show that you are not going to be intimidated by them. By doing it and being frightfully nice when asking these questions you get to keep the upper hand.

Finally - one of the strange things about people dying is that it is very easy to experience a whole gamut of emotions, not just grief, when remembering back about the person. Depending on how you want to interact with your mother (and maybe sis) and others connected with them, decide if you want to go to the funeral or just send a card or flowers. Flowers often have the advantage of being read by others; you could get your own back if it felt right to leave such a message. And it might be worth making up several just to get your thoughts straight and make you feel better even if you don't send them. Sort of like venting on MN - an escape valve.

So things like 'I am hope you're at peace now I know you are safely in the ground' or 'You were good to me once upon a time or was it twice but you sent me to hell and back, now wondering where your one way trip will be taking you?' or 'you knew where I was if you wanted to say sorry'

I'm sure there will be plenty of other pithy ones that other MNetters can come up with.

These aren't trying to be flippant or trivialise two very difficult times in your life - then (when it happened) and now - but sometimes, figuring out something completely outrageous but true that shock you and make you laugh at the same time can be quite cathartic. And could also be a way of talking about it with your dad - if you're sitting there discussing it 'properly' and sensibly, it is easy to talk yourself into doing something because you think it is the appropriate 'right' thing to do even when your heart is not wanting to do it. Whereas sitting with a drink and saying 'OMG, what exactly can I put on the flowers that is staying true to myself and yet saying something reasonable is going to be very difficult - I can hardly say x y z [insert dodgy messages from before] which would be more truthful' may be a way of working through the issues more easily.

and - before anyone jumps on me - just want to reiterate that this is a way to vent and work through your feelings, not what you need to put on any flowers you might decide to send.

good luck whatever you decide to do at this difficult time anyhow, just remember to keep an eye on the future and how you would like it to be.

Well while I agree with the majority of posters, I actually think it's not as simple for you as it would be for me

For me personally I wouldn't go and I probably wouldn't feel bad about it at all, but you seem to be really beating yourself up about this

I think you need to really think about how guilty you would feel if you didn't get in contact with him (though I don't think you should feel guilty at all) if you think it's something you have to do for your own peace of mind then you should get in contact

But whatever you decide I think your mother is a bit of a red herring, if you get in contact with your sf, nothing changes with the situation with your mother, she may want to be back in your life and she may try to be but that choice is entirely yours. You are in control of that no one else, and of course it won't affect your children if you don't engage with it all

But I hope you find the strength to get through this, and fwiw I think you've done really well cutting them out of your life so far

oops, didn't mean to write such a long post , sorry greensleeves. has cross posted with lots of other posts.

you sound a good and honourable person, the fact he has been so bad to you and you have still even considered seeing him shows that.

think you have definitely made a very wise decision; you can't have made it lightly or easily and you will be all the better for both keeping your status quo and for having deliberated about whether to or not.

Greensleeves made her peace when she walked away from them. She need do nothing more.
Except have a happy life with her own family - her dh and kids.

Don't go.

Life is too short to waste one minute of it being annoyed by angry twats. Death and illness does not give a person the right to a reprieve.

F*ck 'em, I say.

another one who thinks it sounds like they want you to go to them - this is NOT them offering an olive branch, but a demand for you to admit your wrongs.

if you really feel that you need to somehow make him feel less pain, could you get a card to him without there being an address/postmark on it? ie write down a message, send it to someone from elsewhere in the country, then have them post it for you? it sounds like you realise that he made some attempt to parent you, no matter how mis-guided he was, and that you don't completely hate him, even if you do not love him. sorry if I'm getting this wrong, I don't mean to cause offense.

btw, if the police had to be involved to get them out of your lives last time, would they be as supportive if you voluntarily involved them again? I have no idea how these things work, but am just wondering?

This is a horrible situation for you, good luck with whatever decision you make.

I think inviting you to make your peace is very telling. They obviously think that you are in the wrong and should be apologising before he dies.
The only good reason for you to see him would be if he (and your mother) were willing to face up to their behaviour and ready to ask for your forgiveness. Is that going to happen? Probably not.
You feel bad and conflicted because you are a good person. Do you want these people in your life again? Are they capable of being the parents you want and need? Almost certainly not, I'd say. Leave it. Live your life.

Greensleeves, I'll be blunt, you will NEVER be able to make peace with this man (or your mother). What they are asking is that you forgive and vindicate THEM. It will bring you NO peace AT ALL. Its utter bull that "he's dying, nothing else matter". Dying does not make someone right or suddenly change their personality. They have no right to ask anything of you. Frankly, they don't deserve you. You MUST think of yourself and YOUR family. You have NO REASON to feel guilty AT ALL.

Stick with you initial gut reaction and KEEP CLEAR.

You do not need to make peace with this man. You have already made peace with yourself, which is the most important thing, and you need to continue to have that peace. Your family is now the family you have with you. Continue to make and keep your own peace. He has made no effort to make peace with you. Just because someone is dying doesn't mean they aren't still a shit.