NOT to make peace with my dying stepfather?

[Greensleeves]

There may still be the odd poster around who remembers my ongoing saga with my mother - MN was my lifeline while I was disentangling myself from my awful relationship with her and my stepfather

it's been several years now since I had any contact with them - it all ended very nastily and painfully with us having to involve the police and the harrassment act etc

I made the horrendous decision to end all contact with them for my own children's benefit - it's a long and horrible story but the stress of the relationship and the demads on me was dreadful, it was making me unwell, and the episodes of rage and abuse from them when things didn't go their way were starting to upset the children

So today I had a phone call from my father (who isn't in contact with them, but is with my sister) to say that my sister (who wasn't in contact with them at all but reappeared in their lives after I broke contact) had been asked by my mother to tell me that my stepfather has a brain tumour, is in hospital, chemo has failed, his kidneys have shut down, and "if I want to make my peace I need to do it now"

If I do ANYTHING in the way of friendly overtures - a card, a message, anything at all - I will have opened the door we had to nail shut by involving the police - and my mother will be aiming to get her steel claws back into me

I had NO life at all when I was involved with her - I was entirely at her beck and call, I had no friends (at all), no job, no social life, no support network

in the past few years I have built a life I love and she will expect to be able to dismantle it and just use me in any way she can

and my stepfather....well he did some things I have only been able to really deal with since NOT being in an everyday relationship with him, I don't know how I would "make my peace" with him. I don't trust my sister as far as I could throw her either - she haqs betrayed, deceived, bullied and generally hated me for years and I haven't seen her for ten years

but I know I am sounding horribly heartless and 99% of my mind says the only decent thing to do is get in touch

help

Greensleaves.

What a horrible situation!

I haven't read the entire thread (just beginning and end) but I completely agree with Morningpaper.

Him dying changes nothing. DO NOT go!

Enjoy the life you have worked so hard to build.

Oh Greensleeves,

I am so sorry. i echo almost everyone here. Do not go, you owe them nothing. Forgiveness is a highly overrated thing, especially if what it REALLY means is that you roll over and put yourself in the path of danger.

My maternal grandparents were horrible and abusive, and have destoyed my mother's life. She is over 60 now and still on medication for depression and undergoing therapy. They died 15 years ago about and I honestly thought it might have finally been a true release for my mother, but because she never really broke free from them, and always tried to 'fix' things with them, going back when they manipulated her, she was trapped. Don't let that happen to you.... you have broken free... stay free.

Thinking of you.

BUT aside from that, is it the right thing to do for me to be kind to him before he dies?

No, because it sounds as though it will expose you and your children to real problems and heartache.

Please bear in mind that you will probably (from what you have said) end up having to involve the police again because your mother will just behave in the same way. It will be that much more difficult to do second time around when you are the one who initiated contact.

Anyway, will your kindness do any good at all? Will it even be graciously received?

And please ignore anyone in RL who criticises you. Some people are incredibly obtuse/judgmental/naive/disingenuous/take your pick about these kind of family problems.

I haven't read the rest of the thread as it's a very painful subject for me but given your OP alone, you are not heartless, People don't become 'good' or 'nice' or caring' or 'lovable' just because they are dying. You don't need to make peace with 'anybody' If your life is peaceful now, and you are happy, keep it that way.

Just to add - I wouldn't dwell too much on trying to work out if they are telling you the truth about the time scale - someone with a brain tumour can be well until they suddenly hava fit, or falls or become very confused very quickly. An urgent brain scan can show up a tumour and give a good indication of how treatable a tumour is. Blood tests would very quickly show how good or bad his kidney function is so a decision not to treat could be based on that. It's not beyond the realms of possibility to think this has all happened very quickly. So I think you need to forget about the hows and whys of it all as you can easily torture yourself and just focus on decision you need to make based on the info that you now have.

can i put this forward?

what about the funeral? woudl you go?

IMO if you don't speak to any of them now, then it makes no mind.

good luck with your decision

Greensleeves be strong and stay away you have a family that's you your DP and your DC's and they are what matter the most

It was up to him to make peace with you, he clearly didn't while he could so you have every justification to stay away if you want to.

It really is up to you and what you think would be best for you and your family.

Apologies for lack of punctuation in my post! Hope things have gone OK today with your dad greensleeves

Greensleeves; My mum fell out with her parents when she got married. She didn't speak to her mum for 27 years. Her Dad died when we were little, she was contacted by him to try to build bridges before he died.

she felt that she couldn't really go, as she might be viewed as hypocritical. So that was that.

This man was your Step-Father, and not a very good one by all accounts. He's not real flesh and blood, just some bloke who married your mother at the end of the day.

If you go back in there, your mother will get her hooks into you again and she'll use the grieving thing as a lever against you.

Clean break, no turning back. THEY made you do this, why on earth would you set yourself up for more of the same? Life is too short.

THEY should have thought about the consequences of THEIR actions.

Greensleaves, so sorry I didn't answer your earlier post. My computer has been down.

I do not believe that the timescale you have been told re diagnosis & prognosis is true. Have you been informed of the events leading up to diagnosis?

IME (professional, not personal) diagnosis of cancer, commencing chemotherapy, kidney failure, stopping chemotherapy and final stages of life with palliative care take a lot longer than 2 days.

I think the very fact that your mother termed it you 'making peace with him' shows that nothing has changed.

Keep strong - don't take a step back now. You don't need to make peace with anyone or do anything.

Perhaps use this as something to learn from; to get some strategies to use to protect yourself when and if something happens in the future in the way of family illness/death.

I agree with PrettyCandles that you have made your peace with the situation. If you selflessly want to help someone else make their peace with it, then that is quite different. Would seeing you really matter to your stepfather? Would it really bring him peace, rather than open a whole new can of worms? If you are really thinking about it, then I think you should be thinking in those terms.

Greensleeves,

my mother died about 6m ago; we had about 3 weeks notice. I feel sad and guilty and that I didn't do so many of the things that I could have done, that there were so many things which should have been said but which weren't.

She LIVED with us. In our house. We got on well, really well.

My brother died 6 weeks after my mum. I feel sad and guilty. There were so many things I could have done with him, could have said to him, but didn't.

We were in constant contact, via e-mail, phone. He came and stayed with us at w/ends, high days and holidays.

People feel guilty when people they know die. It's a fact.

Your SF is in hospital. Perhaps he hasn't got long to live, who knows for sure? Can you change that? No you can't.

If he were your best friend, you would feel guilty if he died. He isn't, but you will feel guilty when he dies anyway.

Keep away. You have to look after yourself, your children. You can't change your relationship with your mum, sister, sf, and rushing to his death-bed isn't going to make any difference. Except open the way for the things you have worked so hard to get rid of, to come back in.

Don't do it.

Have only read your OP and the last page so forgive me if these things have been said before.

I had a similar experience with my grandfather. I refused to go to his funeral "to make my peace" and have never regretted it.

Only you can look after you. And it sounds like you made that difficult decision to put yourself first years ago.

I do not think you have anything to "forgive" or "make peace" about.

It is not your step-father wishing to make amends, he had ten years to do that.

I wouuld say, stay away.

If you do feel you want to say anything after he has passed away, write it down and then set fire to the letter.

Be strong and keep focussed on yourself and your children, for all the reasons you have stated and for the journey you have come on the last ten years.

You have had some sensible and balanced replies on here, and I hope they have helped. You will feel horrible what ever you decide, but you must do what is best for you and your family going forwards.
You can't help him, and the overtures for peace haven't come from him- I doubt very much anyone will have peace if you visit him, but your mum will have the upper hand.

thank you so so much for sharing your experiences and your wisdom with me

I have decided to do nothing - no message, no visit, no response at all

I just can't risk igniting the whole horrible mess again. We've only just told ds1 he has Aspergers and he's feeling sensitive enough as it is - and my mother had crazy ideas about my children even when we were "getting on", she saw ds1 as a sort of special Christ figure and ds2 as having been born to be his helpmeet

had really really long talk with my dad last night (with a few beers) and we thrashed out absolutely every possible angle, all the possiblities. He was very supportive and said that if I wanted HIM to go to the hospital with a few words for my SF, he would do it and make sure my mother didn't find out

but that's a silly idea really, SF would tell her and my mother would be spitting blood with rage and hassling me immediately

sorry I have been very long-winded and indulged myself by thinking aloud, as t'were, on this thread, and thanks for all the advice.

Greensleeves - realize I am late to the thread but wanted to post in support. I think you posted on my thread (have namechanged) a few weeks ago asking if I was BU to cut my v. toxic father out of our life - which I ultimately did thanks in large part to the responses I received.....so if it was you (either way actually), you gave good advice about cutting ties been a good decision for you.

Don't undo it. It is too hard to get there, and you've done it - don't get sucked back in.

You have made the right decision, I am so glad you have your dad to help you through this.

Stay strong GS!

You are in a good place now, please do not risk that.

You do not need to make peace with this man, let them get on with it.
YANBU at all, do not let them make you feel you are.
x

I'm not sure 'making your peace' exists. We watch too many soaps. As long as you aren't going to be weighed down by guilt afterwards I would stay away.

I did my duty by my Dad, visiting faithfully until the end, but was taken aback to find that I felt a huge weight off my shoulders when he passed on. Sounds bad but he had been an alcoholic for most of his life - and, finally, all of that became a thing of the past.