Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NOT to make peace with my dying stepfather?

173 replies

Greensleeves · 06/04/2010 21:04

There may still be the odd poster around who remembers my ongoing saga with my mother - MN was my lifeline while I was disentangling myself from my awful relationship with her and my stepfather

it's been several years now since I had any contact with them - it all ended very nastily and painfully with us having to involve the police and the harrassment act etc

I made the horrendous decision to end all contact with them for my own children's benefit - it's a long and horrible story but the stress of the relationship and the demads on me was dreadful, it was making me unwell, and the episodes of rage and abuse from them when things didn't go their way were starting to upset the children

So today I had a phone call from my father (who isn't in contact with them, but is with my sister) to say that my sister (who wasn't in contact with them at all but reappeared in their lives after I broke contact) had been asked by my mother to tell me that my stepfather has a brain tumour, is in hospital, chemo has failed, his kidneys have shut down, and "if I want to make my peace I need to do it now"

If I do ANYTHING in the way of friendly overtures - a card, a message, anything at all - I will have opened the door we had to nail shut by involving the police - and my mother will be aiming to get her steel claws back into me

I had NO life at all when I was involved with her - I was entirely at her beck and call, I had no friends (at all), no job, no social life, no support network

in the past few years I have built a life I love and she will expect to be able to dismantle it and just use me in any way she can

and my stepfather....well he did some things I have only been able to really deal with since NOT being in an everyday relationship with him, I don't know how I would "make my peace" with him. I don't trust my sister as far as I could throw her either - she haqs betrayed, deceived, bullied and generally hated me for years and I haven't seen her for ten years

but I know I am sounding horribly heartless and 99% of my mind says the only decent thing to do is get in touch

help

OP posts:
TIBBYCHOP · 07/04/2010 09:46

Greensleeves, you can't imagine how much your post has touched a raw nerve with me. Although I have not seen your original post, I can still sympathise and emphasise with you. My father is a twisted, sick, bastard who just happens to have a PHD in nuclear physics and my mother is a jealous, cruel woman who went to private school and can drink her tea oh so nicely. In the 70s no-one would think that such parents would burn a child, break its nose, deprive it of food to point of being 3 stone at 7 etc, etc. But people STILL criticise me for not seeing my parents and allowing them near my daughter. A woman at work was punched by the man whom she chose as an adult, I was abused from being born without choice and yet somehow I deserve no sympathy, whilst she gets free counselling! I can only summise that perhaps child abuse is still too much for some people to cope with and they are not being intentionally hurtfull. Claig - crikey are you for real?
Greensleeves, he hasn't asked for your forgiveness just to see you, that is the most important point that I can see and therefore my advice would be to leave them and concentrate on your own family's happiness. Sending you my love. xxx

porcamiseria · 07/04/2010 09:47

dont do it

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 07/04/2010 09:59

Greensleaves, it must be very difficult. However, if you have forgiven them their behaviour, then you have made peace with the situation. It no longer has a hold over you. Forgiveness frees you, but it doesn't mean that you have to forget the wrong that was done to you or let it happen again. Personally, when even considering seeing them again is causing you this much anxiety and upset, I wouldn't go. Its good not to have hate in your heart, but it doesn't mean you have to go back for second helpings.

cocolepew · 07/04/2010 10:02

Don't do it.

I'm sorry biut I think your sister is lying about the length of diagnosis. I maybe wrong but it doesn't ring true.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 10:16

tibby, I am so sorry you had to live through that x

boiledeggandsoldiers · 07/04/2010 10:24

chickens, you have put it more articulately than I did.

GS, making peace with the situation in your mind is probably important. It is not the same as pretending the past didn't happen or putting yourself through the stress of actually seeing them again. Writing a letter to step father (and not sending it) is one way that might help you deal with your feelings.

I think some of you have been a bit hard on claig - if you can see through the christian context and think of her advice practically, forgiving someone of what they did to you can work wonders for your own peace of mind if you can do it, but it is a very hard thing to do. I know this from experience!

morningpaper · 07/04/2010 10:30

Have no read thread but I've never understood why people think that things 'change' if someone is dying. I think it is really hypocrtical of people to see 'the deathbed' as a place to resolve things. I don't see why anything has changed. People can keel over at any minute - we all need to make sure that we are happy with ALL our relationships. If there are any relationships where we are uncomfortable with the status quo then we need to resolve that. But deathbed or not makes no difference to me.

salbysea · 07/04/2010 10:30

agree with CHSM, forgiveness and 'making peace' does not mean you have to go back for more, it just means releasing hate and anger and moving on, which is exactly what you're doing. Don't go back for more because that will end up with you doing the opposite of "making peace" and forgiving because I really think you will come away from the situation filled with anger and hurt!

TIBBYCHOP so sorry to hear what you've been through! you're dead right about the double standards though, not many people would tell a woman who's partner abused her to keep going back for more, but if abuse parents are cut off people say "but he/she is the only father/mother you've got" and somehow being family is supposed to mean all should be forgiven The whole "you love each other really" and you should just shake hands and make up think is not only patronising but also very damaging because its like telling the VICTIM that they are 50% to blame (and 50% responsible for "making up") like its a silly falling out over splitting a bill or something. Don't people see that walking away from a toxic family is often the only way of breaking the cycle of abuse so that their children don't have to suffer it? so that their children have a PEACEFUL life!

swallowedAfly · 07/04/2010 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Miggsie · 07/04/2010 10:39

Greensleeves, him being ill and dying changes nothing, and you don't want to go anywhere near those people again.

They will just start all the old crap with the undertone of "but he's dying..." to try and guilt you into being around.

Stay away. You owe them nothing.

If your sister had contacted you to say he had changed character, found God and was becoming a monk, then maybe that would be a reason for possibly getting in touch.

Sadly, this is not. People live and die. People can be horrid all their lives.

My grandmohter was horrid while she lived and died screaming abuse at her daughter who had nursed her night and day for 5 years. No one should go through that.

GeekOfTheWeek · 07/04/2010 10:57

Don't go.

TBH I would question this diagnosis. Seriously. I don't think its the truth.

Original poster
Greensleeves · 07/04/2010 11:17

geek, why do you think it doesn't ring true? DH agrees, but I am too shell-shocked to see it really. My dad was the one who spoke to my sister and he thinks it is all genuine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greensleeves · 07/04/2010 11:42

dad arriving in a few minutes and no idea what his perspective is going to be or what other details he is going to give me

my sister might have called him again with more news by now

feel sick

sorry, am just decanting everything onto this thread now

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 07/04/2010 11:46

And GS, he is NOT your father. He is simply your mother's husband. You owe him nothing.

Kaloki · 07/04/2010 11:48

Sending lots of love your way.

My nan died, I never saw her, don't regret it.

DP's dad is dying, we wont see him. (We may go to the funeral to check he is dead though)

Put yourself first!!

Bucharest · 07/04/2010 11:52

Only read OP, will read other pages when I get back from fetching dd.

But no, YANBU and you shouldn't feel you have to do something that may have repercussions for the life you've built for yourself and your children without these people.

Family is just the accident of shared DNA. Sometimes a great and lovely thing is born of it. Sometimes not.

LoveBeingAMummy · 07/04/2010 11:59

GS - I have read all of your posts (although not everyone elses). I think you are really just looking for reassurance that it is ok not to go. Do you know what, you've got it. DO NOT GO. You don't want to, you know what'll happen if you do, so don't.

I had a friend who died a few years ago and i was very upset, and felt bad that I had let our friendship slide, I hadn't seen or contacted her in years. A very good friend pointed out to me that she could ahve contacted me. It works both ways, its notlike he has asked you to go and see him is it.

WideWebWitch · 07/04/2010 12:01

I remember all the history Greensleeves (hello) and I wouldn't go iiwy. It doesn't change how they've behaved and their use of the phrase 'making your peace' doesn't change anything imo.

so I don't think you should go, it opens the door to your poisonous mother again.

kando · 07/04/2010 12:06

Haven't read the whole thread and don't remember your story, Greeny, but from what you've said so far, it's all saying (well, screaming actually!) "stay away" to me. Why should you make peace with him - he's the one who should be making peace with you, like some others have said. Why should he "leave this earth" knowing that you've forgiven him, he doesn't sound like he deserves forgiving! You have your own family now, focus on them. I think you know deep down that you shouldn't open that particular door again. Wishing you strength xx

ILovePlayingDarts · 07/04/2010 12:12

I think the idea of only 2 days between an emergency diagnosis of brain tumour, trying out chemo and then saying his kidneys can't handle it is too short a length of time. I agree with those who are suspicious.

What I suspect is the case, is that the diagnosis, the treatment, and the result is true, but over a longer period of time than 2 days.

Which leaves me to feel that if her SF wanted forgiveness he has had time to contact Greensleeves properly and not just through her dad via sister.

I say don't go, don't let this poison back into your life. And I hope you can find some peace again soon.

PrettyCandles · 07/04/2010 12:16

Your mum is saying that if you want to make your peace you need to do it now.

But you have made your peace. You made your decision, came to terms with it, and have lived peacefully and happily with it for the past few years.

Now if it was your stepfather who wanted to make his peace with you, it might, just might, possibly be a different issue. But it's not. It's your mother wanting you to come crawling back, apologising to her and her dh for building your own life. You have created your own happiness without harm to anybody. You are able to give and receive joy. You have nothing to apologise for. And nothing to feel guilty about.

bran · 07/04/2010 12:35

Could you ask your Dad to stop passing messages from your sister on to you? Better still, tell your sister that he will not be passing on messages.

I agree with all those who have said that nothing has changed and you should keep your distance. I notice that the message is phrased as an opportunity for you to make your peace, as though you have something to apologise for. They probably actually believe that too so there is very little chance that making contact will be positive in any way for you.

GibbonInARibbon · 07/04/2010 12:40

Apologies for not having read all of the posts.

My concern is that you have not completely 'let go'. I don't mean to sound harsh but I think when you truly let go you know, without any doubt, that staying away is the only option.

I may sound cold or harsh but if it was my father I would not even hesitate, it would be a 'no way' from the start. My darling step father has just been diagnosed with cancer it has turned my world upside down and I'm in a real state over it.

Had I had the same news about my father I would have thought, 'that's a shame, I hope he does not suffer/beats it' and I would go about my day with no more thought to it.

Sorry, am rambling, my point is (she gets there eventually) is that if you have to ask the question and are feeling awful about it already, steer clear, if they get into your head and heart again you may not find the strength to walk away a second time.

You owe them nothing Greeny.

pranma · 07/04/2010 12:45

I am usually all for 'making your peace' with close family if possible but this is your stepfather not your biological parent.It sounds as if you owe him nothing at all.You have been very brave in disentangling yourself from a toxic situation-stay well away.fwiw dont go to the eventual funeral either.YANBU

PfftTheMagicDragon · 07/04/2010 12:47

Greeny, I have only read your OP.

Why is it any different because he is on his death bed? I don't understand? He clearly felt no need to make things better while he was alive. Is he worried that he is going to hell? I'm not sure if a rushed half hearted apology before he croaks is the way to stop that.

You have moved on. Do not let them make you feel that you are responsible for the way anyone is acting or what they are saying now. It is not a bad thing for you to stay away.

A death bed change of heart is utter bullshit, IMO.

Swipe left for the next trending thread