To feel pissed off at being "reprimanded" for telling someone elses' DC about healthy food?

[PinkDawn]

DD has made a best friend at preschool - I don't know the other Mum well, but when her childcare fell through last Thursday, I offered to take her DD from 8am and drop to our pm preschool session.

I don't work Thursdays, so it's lazy breakfast day. We made pancakes with strawberries and blueberries. For lunch, the girls helped make a fresh tomato pasta - my DD usually plays the vegetable counting game whenever we cook or eat (she has a chart, and we're aiming for 5 a day, with 3 different colours). DD's friend wanted to play too - so we coloured in DD's chart whilst the sauce was cooking, and made one up for DD's friend - which we duly pinned on our fridge with DD's.

Today after school, "Other Mum" comes over to "thank me", before adding that in her opinion it's unsuitable to make fancy breakfasts like that, and in future, should her DD come again she will supply some cereal, and that she would appreciate it if I didn't fill her DD's head with silly ideas about expensive "tri-coloured veggies" (sic), as she has to work, and it is all a bit impractical!

Obviously don't really want to fall out with the mother of DD's first best friend, and will say nowt. However I AM SEETHING - AIBU?

Tickled that you have picked up on my comments, and ignored those that suggested you have made this up

I don't think you shouldn't have a sticker chart, I would just be slightly peeved if you made one for my dc for something that they do perfectly naturally without a reward chart.

If I were you I would probably have told my dc that we would colour her chart later that day so not to leave the visiting child out, but it's not a biggie.

I did make the point that you were doing the favour so she had no right to complain!

lol at this thread. I can see myself in the role of either mother tbh - on good and bad days!

God I would hate DD to be able to tell you if she has had her five a day or not.

I provide a shed load of different foods and she eats when she is hungry until she is full.
Perhaps it is because I grew up with a generation of fat friends calorie counting ( and I say fat friends as I suspect the calorie counting was a cause)
My notion of healthy eating is not thinking about it much until they are buying and cooking - by which time hopefully her recipes and selections will remain as they are now.

I would be very grateful at your having my DD and I would not dream of criticising anything you did with my DD - my gratitude would be too great to be picky. But I wouldn't really be happy about the whole healthy eating stuff - anymore than I am when they do it at school.

agree with Pag.
I wouldn't want my preschooler to be able to tell you that celeriac mash counts as one of 5 etc etc. I would rather she just ate some of the celeriac mash and hopefully enjoyed it.

Angrypixie That is because your points were first. By the time I got to the posts where I was accused of being a deluisional stepford wive, I'd already given up on the task of responding.

What am I suppose to say... yes, I bake my own cookies and have a wormery, but I dont' fantasise about other mums being jealous of me - honest - really - I don't you know ???

Pagwatch I agree with you to a point,and that is certainly where I started. I would say most of our meals are balanced/healthy - and till she was 3 she would eat balanced meals wihtout hassle. Since then, she has become a master of chocolate/fat/sugar by stealth - and it would only be when we got to the end of the day that we would realise she had gone for croisant for breakfast (not fruit), biscuit at snack, not cheese and crackers, ignored the brocolli at lunch and so on...

I like the chart - it works for us. It allows us to think about what we have eaten over the day - and it helps DD share the responsbility for making healthy choices for herself - which I suppose I hope she'll take into adulthood.

I think we are probably all highly influeced by our own childhood - one of the things I remember most was being made to do stuff which I didn't like much with little or no explanation. Anyway, am not pushing it - it works for us - maybe not for others - but I just dont' see it as terribly harmful.

i find the chart to count the daily veg intake very weird.. but as you have defended yourself so well on that score op i am graciously going to let it pass

with regards to what the other mum said to you, it does seem rather ungrateful after you have done her a favour.. she should have thanked you and left it at that!

Pink
well if it works for you...

But FWIW DD will have the odd day when she eats croissant , biscuit etc etc. But that was mostly when she was 3 or 4. Once she started school and was permanently on the go she would eat what I put in front of her. So she is 7 now and is athletic and toned and hopefully, as long as she continues active, will need no further educating until she is cooking for herself.
She is not being told to do anything. She eats as we do. So explainations are not needed. And , as she sees no food as being more virtuous than any other she has no baddies to covet. her fav foods are brocolli, chocolate and calamares.
Long may it continue.( although I will have to break it to her what calamares are soon I expect. that may finish that one off)

I wouldn't see it as harmful as I expect someone will foist 'good food bad food' at her soon enough anyway

lol@ the origin of calamares

DD also eats with us. Can remember being on holiday in Tuscany when she was about 2, and other English tourists being a bit that she was wrapping her melon chunks with parma ham. She is also sufficiently savve to know what she doesn't like, and will stop to figure out which olives are stuffed with almonds or chilli (both yuk apparently - though I love them). She also used to like a decent dark chocolate.

At the moment though, her favourite food is milk chocolate, smarties and langoustines. With regard to the later, she especially enjoys pulling the heads off - so calamares may be easier than your think!

I take a lot of comfort in the research that says the pallette is hard wired by age 3 - prior to 3, she ate mountains of brocolli, green and blacks and other errr.. healthy stuff. For now though, I see no harm in pushing the message that veggies are good for you - after all they are.

wow, you sound like the perfect domestic goddess! other mum probably just feeling inadequate!

Mmmm, pancakes!!

I have sympathy for both the OP and the 'friend'. I think I would be feeling hurt if, after taking care of someone else's child for a day, in what sounds to me to be a safe and loving environment, I had a snide remark aimed at me from the other parent. And I'd also be seeking some kind of validation that I hadn't done something wrong - by posting on a supportive forum like this!

But at the same time, if I'd had a crap day and my child came home and did the 'X's Mummy did this/cooked that/made my day much more fun than normal" I would also be a bit hurt and upset.

It's human nature to feel guilty and insecure a lot of the time isn't it? I suspect the little girl's Mum made a comment which was perhaps slightly misunderstood or which showed a little more frustration at life than she might have intended. Sounds to me like both parties have had their intentions/meaning slightly misunderstood.

For all we know the 'friend' might be beating herself up about taking her frustrations out on the OP and wondering how to put it right. Sounds like her little girl enjoyed it and wasn't a total madam so she can't be that bad a person/parent can she!

Best let it slide this time maybe and give her (and your DD's friendship) another chance? But two strikes and you're out!!? ;)

Thanks Claribella - that is probably a sensible take. In any case, I really want a good relationship with the Mum, given the children are so clearly in love!

But anyway, it looks like I have a second chance to shine, as other mum texted at 11 last night to say she is desperate and can I take DD till 2pm today - so she is arriving shortly. I will look for a non-contentious breakfast - assuming she doesn't really arrive with cheerios.

Domestic Goddess That, I am not. The label reminds me of Nigella, who says scary stuff like:
"It is really not worth making a lasagne at home, unless you are going to make your own sheet pasta for it too"
I mean what sort of mother has time to make bloody lasagne pasta

I am a Nigel Slater sort of mum. Nigel (the only man I would almost certainly leave DH for) pours scorn on those who insist on making everything, even the cheese straws, and says stuff like:
"Never feel apologetic for serving a (good) bought desert" And he also adds smarties to his list of store cupboard essentials: "No one can resist a smartie"

{prepares to be flamed by all the pasta makers]

Gosh, this woman is pretty shameless, isn't she? Snide comments and then texting at 11pm to ask you to babysit the very next week?

FWIW, Pink, I'm like you in that I love to cook and so any domestic goddess traits I have centre on food. My daughter is only 16 months so I can only do very limited cooking with her (baking, or simple veg prep) but I fantasise about the day when she and I can cook pancakes together. It's nice to have a snapshot into someone else's world when I'm feeling as if this stage of not being able to let her join in will last forever.

I don't understand that Nigella quote. She can't seriously mean that if you have shopbought pasta, you might as well use precooked mince and a jar sauce, can she?

It's in Feast, p403

"The difficulty wiht lasagne is that is it is only truly good if you make the pasta yourself, which is not exactly difficult, but given that everyone is so used to lasagne as an ordinary, unspecial dish, the effort and labour tends to go unappreciated"

She goes on to say that whilst making pasta is no trouble, the layering is fiddly!

Nigel, on the other hand say, something along the lines, have you ever eaten pasta at someone's house which is as good as a quality dried pasta?

Have to say, I tend to agree with him.

DCs both eating porridge now. Hopefully will pass parental approval this time!

How odd. I will keep making my own lasagne (with store bought pasta, naturally) I think. Much nicer than premade shop lasagne if I do say so myself .

Porridge is a good call. Are you going to be happy to babysit every week? I can see it going that way.

You sound amazing. I'd feel really happy if I knew DD was being looked after by someone who would give her the good time and great food you gave this woman's child.

Actually, if I found out you make pancakes and strawberries for breakfast, I'd probably try to invite MYSELF over for breakfast.

This woman has a lot of emergencies that fall handily on your day off, doesn't she?

I think this woman is cheeky as fuck, she uses you for free babysitting AND makes snide remarks

Please adress with her, as I think she is beyond the pale

You have to know what you are doing but to test you at 11pm after what she said last time expecting you to be willing to do her another favour is taking the piss I'm afraid.

I hope you don't change a thing about the way you handle the girls in your home.

your home - hello?

I would also welcome the dd in and then pull her into a room and have a firm word. Really, don't be adoormat.

pull the mother into another room that is, close the door and I would tell her exactly what you have told us here, no holds barred at all.

Her dd is welcome, she's a lovely dc or whatever the truth is and you are happy to "help her out"

which is what you are doing.

However this is how you do things. Frankly she has to lump it or leave it. She has a damn cheek. If I were in her shoes, I would have brought you a thank you gift last time, I wouldn't take free babysitting for granted and then have a right old nasty moan on top of it. Neither would you, I bet you anything.

Nooooo, don't have a go at the other mum! She is clearly mega-stressed and desperate. However if you do decide to, then FGS don't do it when she drops her dd off - she will then have to leave her dd with someone who has just had a go at her, which would be very uncomfortable and she will be worrying all day. Just be the bigger person.

btw, this thread reminds me so much of a certain cartoon by Posy Simmonds in the 70s, where a mum is looking after another child to help out in an emergency and she breastfeeds her. The working mum gets in a huge strop because she thinks the other mum did it deliberately to make her feel inadequate, and the mum who helped out can't believe the ingratitude. Plus ca change....

Please don't change your day because this girl is coming. Your house, your rules. If you want to eat organic quinoa and strasberries all day and then record it on a chart then you must do so.

it will be too late now anyway. She doesn't have to "have a go" at the woman but she has to make clear how she feels about it all. Why is it so important to pander to this woman who in fact she is helping out? You can spend a long time waitingfor people to realise that they are being hurtful, rude, inconsiderate, selfish etc. They tend not to click.

I personally think it is best to be clear from the outset and speak your mind. It doesn't have to be aggressive or loud or unpleasant but you need to be clear and firm then people know where they are, rather than suffer in silence whilst a thing perpetuates itself.

Why is the mother who is leaving her dc with OP more important than OP in all this?

She isn't more important but she may be more in need.
Also as she said in her OP, she doesn't want to fall out with the mother of her dd's best friend.
I think we're all agreed that the other mother was rude and unreasonable, but I'm not convinced that talking to her about it right now would have the best outcome.

ok we'll just agree to differ then

ok

actually I sound like quite a cantankerous old bag (which may be about right). My sister is just lovely and far too nice for her own good, she would never complain about anything like that. She does have situations that go on for a long time getting her down. I think if it annoys you a bit, you can let a fair few things pass. If you are seething, best to speak out at the onset rather than let this kind of thing continue and poison a relationship.

I learnt to do this when I lived in Germany - home of blunt speaking. I got told off a great deal, generally criticised and had blunt to the point of gobsmackingly rude comments to deal with at times. You toughen up. Some people do this well though. It can be uncomfotrtable but nowadays I find it better. For instance one woman told me something about her dd and I mentioned it to another mum. Essentially this was gossip but I had not seen it that way IYSWIM. I was talking tothis other mum about our dc and I said "oh mum1 told me that she had problems with her dd about this and this is what she did which seems to have worked"

Of course Mum2 spoke to Mum1 saying ZZZen told me ..... Mum1 came up one day and said, listen ZZZen I don't like what you did and I don't want my dd to be a subject of gossip etc". I was quite taken aback, I had no idea at all^ that I had been offensive which I had certainly not intended. I was also a bit insulted tbh but it cleared the air and I knew where I was and I learned from it, I'm much more careful now about passing on any kind of knowledge to third parties, however innocent it may seem to me.

I think a lot of ongoing relationship problems we read about on MN could have been nipped in the bud. Once they go on for a while, it becomes so hard to speak openly about how you feel. In the UK though, maybe it is considered bad manners generally to be directly critical. I am a bit out of practic e with all that from my years abroad.