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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'...it makes me think of Baby P'

192 replies

elportodelgato · 29/03/2010 14:04

had an awful run-in with a woman on the bus at the weekend and just wanted to check the mn consensus... was I unreasonable to completely flip out?!

Travelling on a busy bus, Sunday morning with DD (22 mo). I got her out of the buggy to sit on my knee and she was happily looking out of the window, saying hello to people, babbling to the other baby sitting nearby etc. After about 20 mins she started to get tetchy and throwing herself around so I put her back in the buggy, mainly for her safety and also she was obvs a bit tired and needed a quiet sit down. Of course, when I strapped her in she wasn't happy about it and started having a bit of a grizzle - I was studiously trying to ignore her as she often does a bit of whining when she is over-tired and it only lasts about 30 seconds before she settles down.

At this point (DD grizzling, me ignoring her)I notice an older woman about to get off the bus, very pointedly looking at me, looking at DD and tutting loudly in our direction. I was watching her and once she had done it about 4 times I caught her eye and (this was probably my mistake) asked her if she had something to say to me. She began telling me that she would never leave a child to cry like that, that I should pick her up, that it made her so upset to hear a baby crying. I said (oh dear, red mist descending at this point) 'are you telling me what to do with my child?' to which she responded 'it makes me think of Baby P'

Now was I BU to have completely lost the plot and told her to 'fuck off you fucking bitch'?? I know I was, I shouldn't have done it, esp in front of DD, but that case really really upset me (like it upset everyone) and her comparing me and my DD to that situation just made me completely lose it. I felt like getting off the bus and telling her about all the wonderful things DD and I do together, how much fun we have, and how much I love her and would never ever hurt her. As it was, I just ended up crying on the bus and then apologising to DD, poor thing just witnessing her mother swearing at a stranger in a public place.

So what would you have done? Am I a raving lunatic?

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 29/03/2010 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coldtits · 29/03/2010 14:08

I'd have told her to mind her own business, and try actually reading up on what was done to baby P (if she can bear to) before she makes upsetting statements to normal mothers who are trying to prevent their normal happy children from becoming spoilt little brats.

there seems to be a small but vocal group of middle aged busybodies who equate discipline and behavior management to abuse, simply because of the screaming the child does.

They probably miss their own children, as visiting hours in borstal are relatively short.

coldtits · 29/03/2010 14:09

I've had this after I bollocked ds1 for balancing on the kerb on the edge of a main road, a nutter bloke informed me that he was calling the police, and "You ought to 'ave 'im TOOK OFF YOU!"

Random twat. I turned my back on him and told him to "leave us alone, please"

farmerjones · 29/03/2010 14:10

you were being very very unreasonable. not in the way you have described dealing with your baby, but the way you reacted to that ladies concerns, and the way you spoke in front of a busful of people, including children.
i wouldnt have been bothered by a child grizzling. but a mother shouting abuse at an old lady????? would worry me a lot.

AnyFucker · 29/03/2010 14:10

she was horrible

but so were you..and have probably just confirmed in her mind that you are, in fact, a low-life

swearing and using foul language in front of your child is really not on...although I can see why you were so angry

doesn't justify flying off the handle in such a spectacular and public way, though

UpYourViva · 29/03/2010 14:14

You were not unreasonable to have got so angry but obv the swearing wouldnt have helped. What a horrid thing for her to say, you should have just told her to mind her own.

Stupid woman

Condensedmilkaddict · 29/03/2010 14:16

Please don't let her get to you, or undermine your parenting.
What you describe has NOTHING to do with BabyP.

Unfortunately there are venomous people who go through life spouting evil comments. And I have a special dislike for old people who tut.

Ok, you didn't react 'well' but I can understand why you did.

Please try to put it out of your mind - she's not worth it. But your DD is.

mumofaboy · 29/03/2010 14:16

YABU at how you dealt with it, but it was a horrible thing for her to say. One of my colleagues (jokingly ) said a picture of my niece remined him of baby P because she had jam all over her face. I was actually quite shocked and said something like 'what a nasty thing to say'.

You could have put her down quite nicely without swearing (and it probably would have had a more of an effect TBH), but it's done now and I can understand why you flew off the handle. Forget it now, it can't be undone.

emsyj · 29/03/2010 14:16

Good lordy, what a vicious and disgusting thing to say to a mum on the bus!!!!!

My mum always says people who aren't very nice are people who aren't very happy - so pity her, she must be a very disturbed and sad soul to say such dreadful things to total strangers. Entirely understandable for you to respond in that way, although tend to agree with LadyintheRadiator.

Bucharest · 29/03/2010 14:17

You were BU to tell her to f off, yes, but she was being a complete and utter loon.
I would have said something pointed like "Oh, know him personally, did you?"

Bet she's one of those mawkish bandwaggoners.

(you'd best check she's not set up a FB group to have you hung or summat )

Original poster
elportodelgato · 29/03/2010 14:17

You're right, I shouldn't have sworn at her, I know it. One I'd calmed down I was so with myself for letting my anger get the better of me - NOT a good example for DD. I was sitting at home last night, still feeling shaky and thinking: 'I bet she's at home now telling her husband about the awful ASBO woman who swore at her on the bus when she was just being a concerned citizen etc etc'

Lesson learned - I must rehease a better line to use on interfering busybodies. Silly old witch.

OP posts:
Snuppeline · 29/03/2010 14:17

oh god, it will be me being accused of the same soon! I too ignore my dd if she screams. I thought it was supposed to be good parenting not to indulge tantrums? Positive parenting or something like that. I.e. you give lots of positive attention for good behaviour and ignore the minor bad behaviour (like a tantrum)?

There's no excuse for accusing a complete stranger of being a 'Baby P mother' which is completely inexcusable on her part! How insensitive of her! I would have cried too. Sadly I too would probably have shouted profane things too her. What would probably have worked better is if you had kept calm and said something poigniant to her about your parenting skills (can someone think of something really good we can all use in face of such know-it-alls?)

Lulumaam · 29/03/2010 14:18

you pretty much encouraged the confrontation by asking her if she had something to say.. you knew at that point she was not going to be praising your mothering skills, so why ask?

and then you told her to fuck off you fucking bitch?

nice. really classy, lovely message for your children

you should have not caught her eye and not asked the question and not followed it up with expletives

she clearly has isshooos and was waiting to unleash them, hence the tutting etc. and you gave her thte opportunity to tell you what she wanted

you have confirmed to her the world is full of nasty foul mouthed women who are unfit to be mothers

YABU

Condensedmilkaddict · 29/03/2010 14:19

Farmerjones

You're right - the OP shouldn't have responded the way she did.

BUT what the old lady said was highly inflammatory. Rude. Unnecessary. Passive aggressive. And mean.

And the OP is a lot younger than the old duck who should have known better.

Lulumaam · 29/03/2010 14:20

the OP says she asked the woman if she had something to say after all the tutting..

i find inviting this sort of commenting and then complaining about the criticism baffling

CirrhosisByTheSea · 29/03/2010 14:21

You did invite her comments though by your aggressive 'have you got anything to say to me?' you asked her! Obviously what she actually said was not the remark of a sane human being but in future do not ask for the opinions of tutting busybodies on buses!

saslou · 29/03/2010 14:22

It's easy after the fact to think about the calm, reasonable way you should have dealt with this situation because you know yourself, without people telling you that you should not have shouted etc in front of your baby but at the time you were stressed out and I don't think you should make yourself feel any worse than you do. People seem to think they have a right to tell other people what to do all the time and I think this woman should be told to butt out of someone elses business. If you are calm about it then you don't add to their already overactive imaginations, but you don't have to justify yourself to an opinionated, nosy person!

AnyFucker · 29/03/2010 14:22

aww, love, don't let her get to you

next time just get on with parenting, and ignore any dirty looks

I remember once when using reins with my toddler (yes, I know...this was 13 years ago...and I had a "bolter")

we were in a shopping centre and she was being naughty and refusing to walk (after several minutes of loud tantrumming about nothing), so for a few yards I "carried" her with her feet a few inches off the floor

I got a few dirty looks that day

just stick ya nose in the air and carry on regardless

HellBent · 29/03/2010 14:27

Agree with Lulu. If you are ever in the same situation again, you should explain loudly to your DD (and everyone else on the bus) that she is being put in the buggy because she is tired and grumpy and not sitting nicely and might fall over as she is not being careful. If she cheers up and sits nicely she can get back out. And avoid eye contact on buses from weirdos!

borderslass · 29/03/2010 14:31

You do get used to it and develop a thick skin and ignore the comments dd1 was an early walker and fell resulting in a black eye at about 9 months I was accused of giving her it by an old interfering busybody.

minxofmancunia · 29/03/2010 14:31

If someone tutted at me I would ask them what the problem was, the same way i ask people what they're looking at when they stare.

OP I don't think YABU to feel completely outraged but you let yourself down with the swaering, but you already know that and you won't do it again.

The woman just sounds awful, nasty, horrible. What a vile comparison.

FWIW dd at about the same age was griping and carrying on on the bus and an old woman shook her head, tutted then reached out and tried to take her from me!! I said "don't do that" then "leave us alone" but she carried on trying to grab her so i had to HIT her hands away and scream NO! at her.

She took a step back from us and stared for the rest of the journey muttering under her breath it was horrible, and the bus was packed. IMO she needed to know her behaviour was totally unacceptable.

southeastastra · 29/03/2010 14:32

what a cowbag, i think it's easy to say you shouldn't have done this that or the other, but it's pretty foul thing to say to a mother in the first place.

MinnieMalone · 29/03/2010 14:34

Think you know you were being totally unreasinable in telling her to 'fuck off...but what a dreadful thing to say to someone without very hard evidence to support it (the woman's Baby P comment).

It's easy to tell you what you should have done, I know, but she could have done with a 'What a vile thing to say. You ought to be ashamed of yourself' and then a complete and utter BLANK.

troublewithtalk · 29/03/2010 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mishy1234 · 29/03/2010 14:52

Not a nice thing for that 'lady' to have said. I'm amazed that people think they have the right to comment, especially in such a nasty way.

Yes, OP was BU to respond as she did, but I can understand why she did. I'm not sure what I would have done under the same circumstances, probably just ignored her and got really embarrassed I suspect.

Try to forget and learn from it OP. I had my first public tantrum in the supermarket with DS last week and am still smarting from the experience. Sooo embarrassing how everyone stares!