'...it makes me think of Baby P'

[elportodelgato]

had an awful run-in with a woman on the bus at the weekend and just wanted to check the mn consensus... was I unreasonable to completely flip out?!

Travelling on a busy bus, Sunday morning with DD (22 mo). I got her out of the buggy to sit on my knee and she was happily looking out of the window, saying hello to people, babbling to the other baby sitting nearby etc. After about 20 mins she started to get tetchy and throwing herself around so I put her back in the buggy, mainly for her safety and also she was obvs a bit tired and needed a quiet sit down. Of course, when I strapped her in she wasn't happy about it and started having a bit of a grizzle - I was studiously trying to ignore her as she often does a bit of whining when she is over-tired and it only lasts about 30 seconds before she settles down.

At this point (DD grizzling, me ignoring her)I notice an older woman about to get off the bus, very pointedly looking at me, looking at DD and tutting loudly in our direction. I was watching her and once she had done it about 4 times I caught her eye and (this was probably my mistake) asked her if she had something to say to me. She began telling me that she would never leave a child to cry like that, that I should pick her up, that it made her so upset to hear a baby crying. I said (oh dear, red mist descending at this point) 'are you telling me what to do with my child?' to which she responded 'it makes me think of Baby P'

Now was I BU to have completely lost the plot and told her to 'fuck off you fucking bitch'?? I know I was, I shouldn't have done it, esp in front of DD, but that case really really upset me (like it upset everyone) and her comparing me and my DD to that situation just made me completely lose it. I felt like getting off the bus and telling her about all the wonderful things DD and I do together, how much fun we have, and how much I love her and would never ever hurt her. As it was, I just ended up crying on the bus and then apologising to DD, poor thing just witnessing her mother swearing at a stranger in a public place.

So what would you have done? Am I a raving lunatic?

Is it ever reasonable to accuse a stranger of child rape and torture on the basis of seeing a child crying on a bus once though?

I just know that if someone came up to me and said that about my children I'd be in pieces.

They do sometimes cry in public.

Yes bless her the OP i think has got the message that she was U in her reaction, but comparing her with baby P mother was . What an insult, I dont blame the op for overreacting, bet the oldbiddylady wont do that again in a hurry. Just sit down take deep breaths and have a nice glass of wine

I wouldn't be in pieces I'd just think she was a complete idiot who didn't know anything about me. If someone I knew told me that, I'd be in pieces!

Old women, a lot of the time, are interferers by nature. Im constantly being told my DS really needs gloves on in this weather (yep, so he can take them straight off cos he hates them), needs a haircut because he looks like a girl (no, he looks very trendy actually. It's not all short back 'n' sides noe, love), looks tired and should be having a nap at home (erm, not when he doesn't get up 'til 9am, he doesn't!) the list goes on...

For the most part, i just nod and smile and tell them they're probably right. But tbh if I'd been accused of abusing my LO I can't categorically say I wouldn't lose my rag. Our LOs are our most precious possessions, right? To be accused of abusing them by ill-informed old boots has gotta cut.

I am so glad I have never encountred those biddies, I wont speak too soon though

I agree with Orm. OP sounds a bit aggressive to me.
How could you be in pieces over a comment that an obviously unhinged stranger makes?
Peculiar

I agree with Lulu, your reaction to her silly statement will have just made her believe that she was right and that you an agressive woman (whether you are or not)

my DCs are 10.5 and 4.9

I can recall two occasions where people have seen fit to comment on my parenting, and i was able to hold my dignity and not respond without swearing

where are all these interfeting old women?

the point is the OP asked the tutting women if she had something to say, knowing full well the women was disapproving

it seems like she wanted a reason to let loose

and then got the arse when the woman said something really stupid and offensive.

but is that then ok to say something really offensive and stupid back?

Message deleted

I would be in pieces if someone accused me of something like that.

I'm not very hard I'm afraid.

but the woman didn't come up to op and accuse her of anything. She tutted at the way she thought she was treating her child and then op confronted her, and given the way op reacted I don't imagine it was a gentle confrontation.

Had op not said anything then no doubt the other woman wouldn't have said anything either.

Op invited opinion and was given one.

And tbh if someone was that agressive in front of their children I think I might well come to the opinion that they could be that agressive towards their children as well.

i wouldn;t as i am secure in my parenting and know i am not taking my child home to do unspeakable abuse to them

it matters not what a stranger thinks, based on a few minutes observation

the fact the woman likened a baby , overtired, and grizzling as tehy did not want to be in their pram to the Baby P scenario just shows that woman has no real grip on reality and a dignified silence would have been better... why would it make you go to pieces that someone clearly with a tenous understanding of motherhood/reality said something stupid? you should be glad she;s not your MIL

i would have been pissed off momentarily, and probably laughed at the stupidity of it later..

YABU, what did you expect to come of inviting comments from a stranger who was pointedly tutting? She was hardly going to respond with something complimentary.
There's no doubt the other woman a tabloid reading moron but you can't deny you went looking for a confrontation.

You were unreasonable Op I don't think swearing on public is acceptable in general and you were inviting what you knew was going to be a negative comment.

I cannot control the actions of others so I concentrate on my own responses - I am far from perfect so it keeps me busy.

But that is my personality I am not a person who enjoys or invites conflict. My dh on the other hand is a magnet for angry public exchanges v short fuse! So if op is an explosive personality I can empathise.

Nowt to do but learn from the experience

I did think it was funny to see anyfucker criticising the public swearing though

What a nasty old woman. How dare she trivialise what that child went through in his short life by comparing it to a crying child on the bus?

I think my answer would have been to take that approach. The situations are hardly comparable, and it really is disrespectful to that baby to pretend that they are.

My second option would have been to tell her to fuck off, you fucking bitch - it depends on what kind of day I was having.

YANBU - losing your cool when confronted with bile like that isn't a crime. Hateful Old Woman will get over it.

urgh why would any of you be looking for a reason to kick off in public

vile

I'm with Lulu

so you've never had an opinion on the way someone was treating their child? You've never found yourself looking at someone with an obviously distressed child wondering if the child will be ok? The woman was perfectly entitled to not like the way the op was treating her child. That doesn't mean the op is a child abuser, but the other woman was equally entitled to not think it was right. Now, had she marched up to op and said "you're abusing that child," it would be one thing, but she was waiting to get off the bus and tutted at what she thought was mistreatment of the child. Perhaps she thought that the op would notice and be shamed into doing something about the situation i.e. to pick up her distressed child. Instead the op gave her the eye and confronted her, and when the woman voiced her opinion (which perhaps she had thought she wouldn't voice, perhaps she thought she would stay out of it), she got a mouthful of abuse from the op, thus confirming her opinion that the op doesn't treat people very well, her child included.

she accused the op of treating her child like baby p! come on i think most people wouldn't let that pass

I think you know deep down that you should not have reacted that way! But you are only, human. I would have probably done the same, then felt bad afterwards too.

next time, you will have a pithy response

I had it once, on my FIRST ever bus trip, this big woman started shouting at me telling me baby was too hot!!!! I was too scared of her, and was a nervous first time Mum on my first ever bus ride!

"And tbh if someone was that agressive in front of their children I think I might well come to the opinion that they could be that agressive towards their children as well"

that's quite a leap - don't worry OP, I really imagine most people are not thinking you'd be aggressive to your DD just because you reacted to a truly horrible comment like that.

if someone could lose it that quickly I would think they had anger management issues.

it's all personal i guess - to me, being likened to baby P's carers by an unknown grown adult on a crowded bus is fair game for getting angry. that doesn't mean i don't have endless patience for my own toddler's annoying habits and tantrums.