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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'...it makes me think of Baby P'

192 replies

elportodelgato · 29/03/2010 14:04

had an awful run-in with a woman on the bus at the weekend and just wanted to check the mn consensus... was I unreasonable to completely flip out?!

Travelling on a busy bus, Sunday morning with DD (22 mo). I got her out of the buggy to sit on my knee and she was happily looking out of the window, saying hello to people, babbling to the other baby sitting nearby etc. After about 20 mins she started to get tetchy and throwing herself around so I put her back in the buggy, mainly for her safety and also she was obvs a bit tired and needed a quiet sit down. Of course, when I strapped her in she wasn't happy about it and started having a bit of a grizzle - I was studiously trying to ignore her as she often does a bit of whining when she is over-tired and it only lasts about 30 seconds before she settles down.

At this point (DD grizzling, me ignoring her)I notice an older woman about to get off the bus, very pointedly looking at me, looking at DD and tutting loudly in our direction. I was watching her and once she had done it about 4 times I caught her eye and (this was probably my mistake) asked her if she had something to say to me. She began telling me that she would never leave a child to cry like that, that I should pick her up, that it made her so upset to hear a baby crying. I said (oh dear, red mist descending at this point) 'are you telling me what to do with my child?' to which she responded 'it makes me think of Baby P'

Now was I BU to have completely lost the plot and told her to 'fuck off you fucking bitch'?? I know I was, I shouldn't have done it, esp in front of DD, but that case really really upset me (like it upset everyone) and her comparing me and my DD to that situation just made me completely lose it. I felt like getting off the bus and telling her about all the wonderful things DD and I do together, how much fun we have, and how much I love her and would never ever hurt her. As it was, I just ended up crying on the bus and then apologising to DD, poor thing just witnessing her mother swearing at a stranger in a public place.

So what would you have done? Am I a raving lunatic?

OP posts:
ElleBing · 29/03/2010 14:52

"you have confirmed to her the world is full of nasty foul mouthed women who are unfit to be mothers"

What? So swearing now marks you out to be an unfit mother? Well call Esther fucking Rantzen because I am up there with the worst...

Of course you always think you'll never swear in front of your LOs but that's in the ideal world that we do not live in. Having a slip up when someone likens your parenting to one of the worst cases of child abuse ever seen in this country is one of those occasions that I feel we could sweep under the carpet and then learn not to let interfering old bus-hags get the better of us.

I bet the stupid old twat was rehearsing the line whilst she was still in the seat. Some people just love confrontation. unfortunately, the OP gave her exactly what she was looking for which probably made her feel very superior, which is even more annoying.

fabhead · 29/03/2010 14:55

when I am in this situation i.e having to disipline a complaining child in front of old busy bodies I normally tell them what I am doing and why by pretending to talk to my childen to head them off at the pass, eg if i am putting ds2 in the buggy and he is protesting I will say "I know you dont want to go in but you are very tired now, you've been doing lots of running around and you will feel much better after a little rest" etc etc

how anyone could compare what you did to the baby P situation though ........

Lulumaam · 29/03/2010 14:57

the woman will have thought that swearing etc confirmed her suspicions that teh OP was not fit to be a mother, hence all her tutting etc.. i don't think that swearing makes you an unfit mother , per se

i do think calling someone a fucking bitch and telling htem to fuck off is not great to do in front of your DCs, and would have cnfiemd to the woman that her tutting was justified.

Lulumaam · 29/03/2010 14:58

ellebing, the point i made was pretty much what you said !

ElleBing · 29/03/2010 15:08

I'm not ruling out swearing at the old bat; I'd just like to say something suitably withering.

However, after my incident in the supermarket at the weekend I think that I know better than anyone that thinking up cutting retorts hours AFTER the event is very frustrating

Still, though. What a cunt. Comparing a child being restless in her buggy to what poor Baby P went through actually belittles what he went through.

thesecondcoming · 29/03/2010 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
elportodelgato · 29/03/2010 15:16

Thanks ElleBing, love a sparing but appropriate useage of the c-word, thanks for that - and what happened in the supermarket?! (have I missed your thread??)

I have been thinking of more appropriate and sane retorts ever since, but d'you know what, I am actually bloody glad I gave her an earful, because if I had let her just get off the bus without a response I would have felt even more annoyed than I already do.

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 29/03/2010 15:16

What a nasty woman. When you think of what she was accusing you of, which is presumably what you did, I'm not surprised you were cut to the quick.

Of course telling her to fuck off is not the right thing to do by any stretch, but if someone accused me of doing the things to my children that were done to him I don't know how long it would take me to get over it.

Original poster
elportodelgato · 29/03/2010 15:22

thanks ImNotSoTelling, it kept me awake last night, as you say, trying to get over being accused of such a thing. I would never never use any kind of physical punishment on my DD - I know some people do, but perhaps because I never experienced it as a child for me personally it makes me recoil. The neglect and terror which that poor boy went through, compared with the love and joy I feel for my DD - arrgh! I must try to forget it ever happened...

OP posts:
ElleBing · 29/03/2010 15:33

Here you go, Novicemama. You're not the only mummy to use the f-word in front of her LO

I remember when I was little and my mum called our gardener a dickhead for pulling up all of her sleeping lilies. I was and she just said to me "now don't YOU ever say that, OK?" And I didn't. Not until I was much older anyway lol!

Helenastar · 29/03/2010 15:47

It is not very nice when we have our parenting skills disected by random strangers, especially in front of the public, and it is very upsetting when our children are crying/tired/upset but you probably confirmed that womans's thoughts about you, and made yourself look ingnorant and agressive in front of a bus full of strangers.

mrsruffallo · 29/03/2010 15:53

Why did you ask her if she had something to say to you in the first place?
Couldn't you have thought of something more articulate than 'fuck off you fucking bitch'?
I think an 'How dare you' is much more effective than calling names and swearing.

LJBrownie · 29/03/2010 15:53

I think being compared to horrible child abusers by a random stranger comes quite close to fully deserving a 'fuck off you fucking bitch'. ok so she didn't swear at you but what she said was actually far nastier... must have been a nasty/embarrassing situation but if i were you i'd feel secret pleasure about letting someone like that have it for once.

AnyFucker · 29/03/2010 15:56

"how very dare you" would have been even btter

AnyFucker · 29/03/2010 15:56

better, even

mrsruffallo · 29/03/2010 15:57

Actually, that woman's comments would probably have made me laugh. Is that wrong?

MrsPixie · 29/03/2010 15:57

What Lulu said

You were verbally confrontational and agressive to the old Woman first, she just came back at you -with a stupid comment granted.

But what you said in front of your DD was hideous and probably confirmed exactly what she thought.

ImSoNotTelling · 29/03/2010 15:57

I think people who go around accusing people on buses of torturing and raping their children deserve a swear or 2 actually. The more I think about it the more I am If someone accused me of those things because one of them was crying I think it would affect me quite deeply. That anyone could seriously think I was capable of doing those things.

MillyMollyMoo · 29/03/2010 15:58

Women like her when faced with a Baby P are the type that turn the other way and do nothing.
I would have said you better call social services then quick, here use my phone see what they have to say to you.

But then you always think of these things afterwards.

OrmRenewed · 29/03/2010 15:59

She was quite out of order to say that.

But that was not a good response. And you know it.

This isn't the first thread like this. What happened to retaining the high moral ground along with your dignity?

People who tut are there to be ignored.

Undercovamutha · 29/03/2010 15:59

You obviously shouldn't have lost it so badly, and IME asking someone if they've 'got a problem' inevitably ends in disaster, but it is so frustrating when you feel unable to deal with your child correctly because of people judging.

The woman sounds like a bit of a nutter IMO.

wannaBe · 29/03/2010 16:00

I agree with lulu. The woman tutted, she didn't actually say anything until you invited confrontation. And given the way you responded clearly you were up for a ruck.

yabu.

OrmRenewed · 29/03/2010 16:04

I have lost count of the number of threads on here along the lines of 'you'll never guess what I saw on the bus today. Was IBU to have judged?' Followed by responses varying from 'Yes you were, mind your own business' to 'Ohh no you weren't, if she does that in public what might she get up to in private?' .

Clearly you were doing nothing wrong but it might not have looked like that to a judgey person looking in from outside. Which is why I think it's fairly crap to judge from a brief scene of this nature.

LJBrownie · 29/03/2010 16:04

I just don't think it's the worst thing in the world (and not vile or hideous as some posters seem to be implying) to say fuck in front of a 22month old. My DD is nearly 3 and if this happened to me I'd just explain to her afterwards that I shouldn't have been mean to the old lady but that I was upset and was now sorry for shouting, no need to worry about swearing for a child of 22mo!

OrmRenewed · 29/03/2010 16:05

I don't care about the swearing, it's the aggression and intent that bothers me.