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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'...it makes me think of Baby P'

192 replies

elportodelgato · 29/03/2010 14:04

had an awful run-in with a woman on the bus at the weekend and just wanted to check the mn consensus... was I unreasonable to completely flip out?!

Travelling on a busy bus, Sunday morning with DD (22 mo). I got her out of the buggy to sit on my knee and she was happily looking out of the window, saying hello to people, babbling to the other baby sitting nearby etc. After about 20 mins she started to get tetchy and throwing herself around so I put her back in the buggy, mainly for her safety and also she was obvs a bit tired and needed a quiet sit down. Of course, when I strapped her in she wasn't happy about it and started having a bit of a grizzle - I was studiously trying to ignore her as she often does a bit of whining when she is over-tired and it only lasts about 30 seconds before she settles down.

At this point (DD grizzling, me ignoring her)I notice an older woman about to get off the bus, very pointedly looking at me, looking at DD and tutting loudly in our direction. I was watching her and once she had done it about 4 times I caught her eye and (this was probably my mistake) asked her if she had something to say to me. She began telling me that she would never leave a child to cry like that, that I should pick her up, that it made her so upset to hear a baby crying. I said (oh dear, red mist descending at this point) 'are you telling me what to do with my child?' to which she responded 'it makes me think of Baby P'

Now was I BU to have completely lost the plot and told her to 'fuck off you fucking bitch'?? I know I was, I shouldn't have done it, esp in front of DD, but that case really really upset me (like it upset everyone) and her comparing me and my DD to that situation just made me completely lose it. I felt like getting off the bus and telling her about all the wonderful things DD and I do together, how much fun we have, and how much I love her and would never ever hurt her. As it was, I just ended up crying on the bus and then apologising to DD, poor thing just witnessing her mother swearing at a stranger in a public place.

So what would you have done? Am I a raving lunatic?

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 29/03/2010 17:07

wannabe you think the woman had a point then?

ImSoNotTelling · 29/03/2010 17:09

If someone was loudly tutting at me I might ask them what was wrong in case they had noticed something that i hadn't - babies hand caught in the strap or brake not on properly or sock fallen off or whatever.

BuzzingNoise · 29/03/2010 17:11

Maybe your reaction was a little bit OTT, but that woman said an awful thing to you and I can completely understand how angry you were, and, to be honest, I may well have said a similar thing in the heat of the moment.

ImSoNotTelling · 29/03/2010 17:16

Say if DH and I were having a gentle bicker in the supermarket about onions and someone walked up and said "you remind me of fred and rosemary west" would that be super-dandy too?

wannaBe · 29/03/2010 17:29

ISNT I would think they were barking. There no way I would take it personally - why would I?

And no I don't necessarily think the woman was right in comparing the op to baby p, but in all honesty we don't know all the details do we? Maybe op's dd really seemed distressed and genuinely upset. Maybe the woman was herself upset/angry that the mother of this (what she thought was an upset child) seemed oblivious to the upset of her child. We don't know. Some children can appear very convincing when they're having a tantrum, especially to people that don't know them.

I recently saw a child in my local shop who was sobbing her heart out at the till while her mother paid for the shopping and was appearing to ignore her. When I'd finished paying I left the shop and the same child was standing outside the shop still sobbing. She appeared genuinely distressed, so I stopped and asked if everything was ok. The mother explained that she was creating a scene because she'd refused to walk to school and had been told that refusing to walk would mean she'd get no sweets. So having still refused the mother had followed up on the consequence, resulting in a seemingly very distraught child. Now obviously I didn't go round accusing her of anything, but someone could easily have jumped to the conclusion that this was a very upset child with a seemingly oblivious mother.

People get a snapshot of other peoples' lives and sometimes they jump to the wrong conclusions.

But maybe this woman too was affected by the baby p case. And maybe people saw baby p upset and thought he was just having a tantrum and walked on by.

It really isn't black and white.

BuzzingNoise · 29/03/2010 17:31

YOu are right, WannaBe, but you reacted to the upset child in a calm, non-accusatory and potentially helpful manner. The woman on the bus did not.

ImSoNotTelling · 29/03/2010 17:35

But there is a difference between thinking "oh dear that child is very upset, the mother should be seeing to it and comforting it, that is not how I would do it maybe she's not very nice"

and

"Well she obviously lives in a household with a bunch of sadists and they spend their time..." well you know the rest, and being capable of murder. It's just a different order of things isn't it?

I would be affected if someone accused me of doing those things. I just would, I'd be really upset. I get miserable when strangers are nasty to me (not that it happens very often). Even the tutting would have upset me.

wannaBe · 29/03/2010 17:38

yes of course there's a difference. But the woman didn't accuse to start with, she may have thought, or maybe she didn't think that to start with, maybe op's confrontation style changed her thinking - who knows.

Because equally I think there's a difference between someone who would go up to someone and blert out what they thought, and someone who just tutted and got cross when confronted iyswim.

LuckyMother · 29/03/2010 17:41

I understand it is not right to say such words to an old lady but on the other hand sometimes when you dont expect such harsh, scary rude words to a mother, normally this is the way a normal person behaves. I think she also used an abusive language to a mother though this was not a socially recognised abusive word as you used f*.. but her words were much more harsh and painful than yours. So dont worry now whatever happened is heppened. but this also gives a lesson that anything is expected from anybody at public places so be prepared!!!

mrsruffallo · 29/03/2010 17:45

ImSoNotTelling Mon 29-Mar-10 17:16:06
Say if DH and I were having a gentle bicker in the supermarket about onions and someone walked up and said "you remind me of fred and rosemary west" would that be super-dandy too?

Now that I would find hilarious

Lulumaam · 29/03/2010 17:45

had hte OP not asked the tutting woman, if she had something to say, the woman would most probably have kept her feelings to herself

she was tutting to gain a reaction, had probably been thinking of something nasty to say, and then got her vindication when teh OP asked her her thoughts and then got a mouthful of abuse .

if someone is tutting at you, they are not going to offer you any sort of compliment, so why invite further interaction>

OrmRenewed · 29/03/2010 17:45

I agree ISNT. The tutting might well have upset me but I fail to see how reacting to the tutting would be a good idea if you are a sensitive soul. Would you say the same thing if the other person had been tutting at a loud MP3 player, or to some teenagers arsing about and making a PITA of themselves? Because it doesn't matter why she was tutting, she should have been ignored. She is allowed her opinion, the OP is allowed to not care. What mattered is that the OP reacted and it all went Pete Tong. Neither party aquitted themselves very well.

" I get miserable when strangers are nasty to me " me too! It messes up my entire day which is why I got out of my way to be polite and considerate to others. But in this case the OP deliberately caused the confrontation.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 29/03/2010 17:58

Another AIBU , another opportunity to wheel out the ageist/sexist terminology - old boot, old prune, old witch, old cow .......

southeastastra · 29/03/2010 17:59

ahem i just said cowbag

Jamieandhismagictorch · 29/03/2010 18:00

southeast - noted

Nancy66 · 29/03/2010 18:02

I hate seeing mothers ignoring upset or distressed children. I think I'd have done a bit of tutting too.

Your reaction was vile. You probably left everyone on the bus with the impression that you batter your kid.

BuzzingNoise · 29/03/2010 18:04

I disagree. I don't see how a momentary outburst makes it looks like someone hits their child.

LJBrownie · 29/03/2010 18:35

surely you're joking Nancy66? Seriously, I don't see this apparent link really. If I was the OP, I'd feel like saying fuck off to everyone on this thread who has implied her reaction might make her a bad parent!

mamasparkle · 29/03/2010 18:57

Your reaction was completely understandable!!! The silly old bitch practically accused you of child abuse and completely deserved to be sworn at. You are not a bad parent. I hope you are ok now.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 29/03/2010 19:02

I would think that someone who had such a rabid response to a tuttering would be in need of anger management

thesteelfairy2 · 29/03/2010 19:05

I think what was said to the OP was absolutely horrific. I can imagine that the OP would have felt absolutely breathless with hurt and anger at the unfairness of such an awful comment.

I agree with Luckymother what that woman said was much, much worse than the OP's response even if it didn't have the word "f*ck" in it!

I think I would have been sobbing with sheer rage at the injustice of being accused of such a thing with regards to my adored dc and may well have descended into incoherent abuse of whoever said it to me.

Horrible, awful woman.

Was on a bus in Spain with my ex h once and dd was being a terrible whinger (still is!), couldn't calm her down at all, a middle aged women stood up and actually shouted at me to "DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT POOR CHILD!" looking around at everyone else on the bus for support. My ex h said in a very firm, loud voice "Mind your own business, sit down and Mind Your Own Business!" and continued to repeat it each time she opened her mouth. I suppose to onlookers he would have looked like a real arse shouting at a middle aged woman but I thought he was fab that day.

ElleBing · 29/03/2010 19:14

Well done on your DH, steelfairy. My DH lets me do all the talking in any dispute we may get into about anything! I would love for a bit of back-up sometimes.

Fibilou · 29/03/2010 19:17

What a vile thing to say to you - what sort of person says to a stranger that the way they deal with their child reminds them of a child tortured to death

I'm not surprised you told her to eff off - to be honest I'm surprised you managed to say anything at all, I think I would have been too shocked to say anything at all. Having said that I shouted and shook my fist at some boy racer who nearly reversed into my pushchair the day before yesterday while reversing at speed through a "no exit" sign at a children's petting zoo

Fibilou · 29/03/2010 19:26

Childrens' even

maristella · 29/03/2010 19:31

steelfairy what a great response! that would be my ideal reponse in retrospect iykwim.
the fact is that it's not easy ignoring your squealing, squirming toddler; knowing that people are judging your parenting.
too right i would have challenged her twattish passive aggressive tutting!
and at the implication that i was some kind of child abuser i would like to say what steelfairy's xh said, but i would have also told the nasty old mare to fuck off.
please don't let her ruin your day, and be glad that you ruined hers right back

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