to not want DP to go in a lapdancing club on his mates stag do?

[mummee09v]

my dp is off on a stag night in a couple of months. its just a load of mates going out in town but there has been talk about them going in lapdancing bars.

i have laughed it off to my dp and tried to be the cool girlfriend about it and made out i couldnt care less as i dont want to seem controlling or jealous. i have even said i dont care if he has a private dance! because i want to come across as cool, as i know his ex used to stop him doing things and i dont want to be like that as he really resented her for it.

but i HATE the idea of it and know i will be furious if he does end up in one. the thought of him ogling some naked girl/s who will probably be a)younger then me b)prettier than me and c)have a better body than me (i have had 2 kids, say no more) kills me....i know that it would only be a laugh for them and nothing would happen other than them looking at the girls but i would be so jealous, coz how could he not compare their young fit bodies to my 30 year old, had-2-kids body?

so i am kind of testing him in a way by saying i dont care, and "allowing" him to go in one, but surely if he loved and fancied me as much as he says he does he wouldnt need to go look at sexy young girls?

also the stag's bride is my best friend (in fact i will be on her hen do the same night) and i know for a fact she would go nuts if she found out her husband to be had been in one as we have already spoken about it and she has the same insecurities as me.

Don't test him. tell him. He's not going to know it upsets you unless you tell him.

And it doesn't make you cooler.

I hated the fact that dhs friend wanted to take him on his stag do and really kicked off about it.

That's the thing, they are YOUR insecurities.
Perhaps you need to work on feeling better about yourself?
Sorry, that's not really any help.

I don't think I'd be particularly bothered by it, but when we've discussed it in the past dh isn't interested because he said it would be like reading the menu and not being allowed to eat anything

If you're hell bent on being the 'cool girlfriend' I think you're going to have to suck it up, I'm afraid. If you think he wouldn't in order to not hurt your feelings, then you have to tell him how you actually feel because he probably can't read minds.

I suppose you should be thankful that he told you, because it sounds like the stag isn't going to be telling the bride anytime soon. Which is a great way to start a marriage, dontcha think?

Do you want him to stand outside whilst his mates go in?

don't pretend you are "cool" with it

that is silly

why should you pretend to go along with something you are clearly very unhappy about?

I hate the way society makes frigid bitches out of women who won't "let" their men get another woman's vaginal fluids rubbed in his face

it is fucking crazy...and you do not have to be shamed into agreeing with it

I would not let my DH go...and I would just present the hand to anyone who tried to make me feel bad about it

evryone else can fuck off

i think you are insulting him a bit by "allowing" him to go.

he is an adult who is responsible for his own behaviour. you cant censor everything he looks at. of course he is going to find looking at women pleasurable because he is a heterosexual male and it is why he is attracted to you in the first place.

i think you need to talk to him though and tell him how you are feeling and if he respects you he will see that you are uncomfortable with it and perhaps wont go, but i dont think you should expect him to hold that stance forever. i think you need to look at why you dont like the idea of it. i think this is your problem.

You have to tell him how you feel. You can say you aren't stopping him, but make your feelings plain. He is not a mind-reader. And fgs don't pretend to be fine with it if you're not. You don't have to go along with stuff you hate just to look cool

OP...please don't be fooled that "nothing really happens" in these places

it does

and a bunch of beered-up, testosterone-crazed stag-nighters do not think with their brains, believe me

even if you think your partner would not do anything (what do you mean by that, btw ?...cop a feel, get a BJ ?), there will be others who will

and how would it make you feel to think a bunch of lairy blokes are getting turned on by that ?

this thread is going to kick off

I can feel my blood pressure rising already

and FWIW i would be quite happy for OH to go to a lapdancing club (he has in the past)but touching is a different thing.

the way i see it, if he would be happy to do it infront of me (i.e; look at a naked woman) then there's no reason not to when i'm not there. but if it's something he wouldn't do infront of me then i wouldn't be happy if he did when i'm not there (i.e; he wouldn't touch a naked woman in the street so it's no different just because he's paid for it)

and he feels the same way about me.

No not unreasonable, you should just explain to him. I agree with AF.
Although I think these places are vile DP would be 'allowed' to go, but I really don't think he would want to, probably be afraid of catching something - vom face
He might not even want to go, have you asked him?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and you certainly shouldn't feel that this is down to your insecurities.

I used to try and play the cool wife and allowed my dh to get away with all sorts of things, but the older and perhaps wiser I get, I think why the hell should he go to these places? Actually, no, I absolutely don't want him looking at practically naked young women.

I think you should speak calmly to your dp and let him know exactly what you've said here. Being in a relationship is all about respect and sometimes that means not doing something because it would hurt your partner. But if he doesn't realise that it will upset you then you can't blame him for going. Talk to him - you might be pleasantly surprised.

to be fair, many decent men would rather their partners said they couldn't go

so they could save face with their mates

pathetic, but true

pretending you are ok with it when you are not in order to appear "cool" is a)silly and b)dishonest. You are laying a trap for your DP in the most unfair way - how can you possibly think that is ok?

If you don't want him to do something, then bloody well tell him that it would make you unhappy - very few men are mind-readers - how is he supposed to see past your double speak and work out that you are actually lying through your teeth?

This is the sort of thing that allows men to say "I know you said no but I didn't think you meant it, I thought no meant yes".

So - YABVU

so are they pathetically decent or decently pathetic then AF?

precisely thumb

OP, don't play silly double-blugg games with him

tell him straight it makes you unhappy and make him discuss the reasons why with you

then he can make up his own mind in full possession of the facts

what you do then is up to you

(personally, my DH would never ask...he knows my thoughts are very clear on this...because I tell him)

I dont know perhaps I am the only woman who feels this way but I really dont think i would feel insecure if my DH visited one of these places. Its really not his kind of thing, but I just dont think it would bother me if on a stag do, he ended up at one of these places. Even if someone did rub their fluids in his face and he liked it. Then what? She's not going to steal him from me is she! As long as he comes home!

Completely agree with AF. I would hate to be with a man who wanted to (or felt goaded to) go to a lapdancing club anyway.

He's an adult, not your 15yr old son out for a looksee! I'd hate for my OH to "allow!" me to do anything, i'm a grown up thanks very much and quite frankly, if i was out on a hen party and a stripper walked in, am i expected to run out screaming??

If its bothering you so much, then i guess you should have a word, but i know that if i had this conversation with my OH, i'd feel a little disappointed that he didnt trust me, but i'd still be out that door with my killer heels on!

bluff, not blugg

To build slightly on what Scrudd says above - it's like reading the menu in a really cheap and grotty takeaway and really not feeling like eating anything anyway. When you have a fine rump steak at home...

I just think it's a bit sad for a man to want to go. It just makes me think of a bunch of losers.

YANBU to not like the idea of your DP going. YABU to hide your own opinion.

boo...just pathetic

why would he have to ask though AF? i dont get why he would need permission.

sorry, it seems as though i am picking on you, i'm really not, i just dont understand why an OH/DH would have to ask to do something.

LarryGrylls says:

If a bunch of guys, more than 2 or 3, go out for an evening, where is there to go after 11 to have a drink? No club would let in 8 blokes who are slightly drunk. According to DH, they are mainly used as corporate entertainment as they are comfortable places where you can chat and get served a (very expensive) drink. Of course he does not deny an element of titillation but most sane blokes do not believe any of the girls in any sense reciprocate the lechery and for them it is just a job.