to not want DP to go in a lapdancing club on his mates stag do?

[mummee09v]

my dp is off on a stag night in a couple of months. its just a load of mates going out in town but there has been talk about them going in lapdancing bars.

i have laughed it off to my dp and tried to be the cool girlfriend about it and made out i couldnt care less as i dont want to seem controlling or jealous. i have even said i dont care if he has a private dance! because i want to come across as cool, as i know his ex used to stop him doing things and i dont want to be like that as he really resented her for it.

but i HATE the idea of it and know i will be furious if he does end up in one. the thought of him ogling some naked girl/s who will probably be a)younger then me b)prettier than me and c)have a better body than me (i have had 2 kids, say no more) kills me....i know that it would only be a laugh for them and nothing would happen other than them looking at the girls but i would be so jealous, coz how could he not compare their young fit bodies to my 30 year old, had-2-kids body?

so i am kind of testing him in a way by saying i dont care, and "allowing" him to go in one, but surely if he loved and fancied me as much as he says he does he wouldnt need to go look at sexy young girls?

also the stag's bride is my best friend (in fact i will be on her hen do the same night) and i know for a fact she would go nuts if she found out her husband to be had been in one as we have already spoken about it and she has the same insecurities as me.

It wouldn't bother me at all. There is no need for you to play games and pretend to be cool about it, but you would be wrong to try to stop him from going.

I imagine if this thread was about a man trying to stop his partner going on a hen night because of his own insecurities then the reaction would be a little different.

I have to say I've never been to one. I can't imagine wanting to. They don't seem in the least erotic.

Someone (not the OP's DH specifically) out on the town and up for it would be far more likely to have fun and "cop off", were they so inclined, with an ordinary girl on the dancefloor in an ordinary nightclub... surely?

boo...that is just my point

he wouldn't ask

it wouldn't enter his head

he doesn't hang around with losers, for a start

and he has a teenage daughter...need I say more ?

YANBU - tell him exactly how you feel about this.
I was at a wedding a couple of years ago, and the best man thought it was hilarious to discuss the stag do in his speech. The groom had got up to all sorts with a lap dancer - no sex, but everything else. The bride was distraught, and the happy couple split up almost immediately. They didn't even make it to their honeymoon

Of course there are certain things that a dh or dp isn't 'allowed' to do! It is all about boundaries and respect. If you want the benefits of being in a relationship then you have to accept that there are certain restrictions too. That is not a bad thing - it is all part of being a grown up and being in a relationship.

I agree with anyfucker.

AliGrylls - im disapointed, i liked to believe you were married to Bear

YANBU. But you have to tell him how you feel. (Not the same as 'telling him not to go.')

I am glad you said that, UQD

I fail to see how a mature man would find it an erotic experience to see a bunch of sweaty, boozed-up men leering at a young girl getting her tits out for money

it's not even about the girl, half the time

it's about looking like such a macho man in front of your mates, throwing your money around and getting "private" BJ's dances

I am sorry, but I would not call that a reasonable use of our family money

I would be devastated if my DP had a private dance (although I would trust him to go on a stag night and not have one, IYSWIM) and if that makes me frigid then so be it!

I would be upset that he had brought another person into our sex life and I would hate that he could disrespect women as a whole to objectify another woman like that.

BUT, I wouldn't expect him to know this if I didn't tell him, so in your position I would tell my DP how I feel and trust him to make a decision that was good for our relationship. Your DP is not a mindreader, you need to explain your worries to him.

Personally, I don't understand why people get so excited about this sort of thing. If OPs partner genuinely loves her he will not be looking for anything so what is the problem with him going.

From what I understand most of them aren't prostitutes. What is wrong with a woman being a "dancer" because tbh that is fundamentally all it is at the end of the day.

and, I am very glad to say, neither does my DH

My dh's best man organised a private strip club above the pub for his stag night with his wife's help and when I kicked off about it I was made to feel very Mary Whitehouse. I told my dh-to be in very uncertain terms that this was not happening and if he couldn't respect my feelings about it then I wasn't sure I was marrying the right man. That worked and they went water skiing instead

ali...you are very naive if you think it is "just being a dancer"

words fail me, seriously

This is why I am so glad my DH finds these places awful and yes, he does go somewhere else on his own or leave for the night when his work "dos" degenerate into this kind of thing.

He finds them sleazy and a rip-off it is not all men's thing at all, really that is such a myth.

"I would hate that he could disrespect women as a whole to objectify another woman like that." Good point

good for you, munchkins

I don't know if I could have been so clear-sighted before I married my DH (17 years ago)

but you can bet your last rolo, I would be now

yanbu

You know I'm so glad I've come across people like AF on threads like these.
I have always been made to feel frigid about my views on sex and relationships (not by dh) and to see people like AF who I consider to be a strong independent woman in a good relationship sharing views like mine gives me such strength

The flipside of the coin is that you can go to an ordinary nightclub where people dance respectably and still "treat" women in a way you might consider "disrespectful". It's not about where you are, it's about who you are.

AF: "I hate the way society makes frigid bitches out of women who won't "let" their men get another woman's vaginal fluids rubbed in his face"

I can't put it any better than that.

I am shocked by this thread. Why on earth would you think it is 'cool' to accept women being used as entertainment in this way.
Am I just old or should feminism come into this somewhere?

AnyFucker speaks the truth.

It makes me sad that you (OP) are blaming your discomfort about this on your own insecurities. There are bloody good reasons to object to lapdancing clubs: some are listed here. You needn't feel that you are being an 'uncool' girlfriend by voicing your objections.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone whose idea of a good time is going to a lapdancing club.

good point, UQD

paisley...it certainly paints a pretty picture, don't it ? < not >

especially when it is someone's teenage daughter who has to debase herself in this way to make a living (of feed her kids, or fund her habit etc etc bla bla bla)