to not want DP to go in a lapdancing club on his mates stag do?

[mummee09v]

my dp is off on a stag night in a couple of months. its just a load of mates going out in town but there has been talk about them going in lapdancing bars.

i have laughed it off to my dp and tried to be the cool girlfriend about it and made out i couldnt care less as i dont want to seem controlling or jealous. i have even said i dont care if he has a private dance! because i want to come across as cool, as i know his ex used to stop him doing things and i dont want to be like that as he really resented her for it.

but i HATE the idea of it and know i will be furious if he does end up in one. the thought of him ogling some naked girl/s who will probably be a)younger then me b)prettier than me and c)have a better body than me (i have had 2 kids, say no more) kills me....i know that it would only be a laugh for them and nothing would happen other than them looking at the girls but i would be so jealous, coz how could he not compare their young fit bodies to my 30 year old, had-2-kids body?

so i am kind of testing him in a way by saying i dont care, and "allowing" him to go in one, but surely if he loved and fancied me as much as he says he does he wouldnt need to go look at sexy young girls?

also the stag's bride is my best friend (in fact i will be on her hen do the same night) and i know for a fact she would go nuts if she found out her husband to be had been in one as we have already spoken about it and she has the same insecurities as me.

i think that really its depraved, but also just one of those things, men like ogling women, they don't really think any more deeply than that so no reason to be jealous.

i would rise above it and say 'you're a sleaze'.

on a stag do i think its really not out of hand, and he will want to go along whatever the rest are doing.

let him know that you think that its really cruel the way these poor women are exploited, manipulated and degraded,

i work with vulnerable women who are targeted for sex. its a very ugly reality.

for these stag dos, its just the fantasy, and as long as he can differentiate between the two then you shouldn't let it bother you.

he will be fed up with it enough when he realises how much money he spent the night before.

let it go, - get yourself dressed up to the nines for your hen night, he will be too busy wondering what you are up to to be thinking about someone else

I can't imagine who'd want to cop a feel of some dancer bird, or worse, in front of all their mates. It would be hugely embarrassing. If I think about being in this situation with my friends I start to cringe just imagining it!

I suppose boozed-up young blokes have fewer inhibitions.

Agree wholehearetdly with almost everything anyfucker has said.

Also, it is very strange when a man that doesn't want to go, is jeered at for being a wimp or under the thumb (this happened to a friend's DH, he chose not to go when the rest of the group[ went) as if he has no morals of his own and is only not going because his DP has told him not to.

It also odd that if a woman is against it she is frigid or insecure, strange, strange world.

uqd...it certain circles, that is exactly what happens

competitive nobbing, I would call it

well as adults, OH and i are allowed to do whatever we choose to do. that does not however mean that the other person has to be happy or remain in the relationship.

for example, my OH could, if he wanted to have sex with another woman. he knows that would mean the end of life as we know it so he hasn't ever done it. now i am sure, although i dont particularly want to know who, there have been women he has met during our relationship that he has been quite tempted by, women that are far more attrative than me, women that have nicer personalities than me etc etc. but, due to a number of reasons, love, loyalty, respect being a few, he has made the decision to maintain our relationship as it is. it is his choice to do this and would never be a matter of him not being allowed to do it.

QA...just out of interest, which bit of what I said did you not agree with ?

I wouldn't really like my DH going but there is no way on earth I would believe I had any right to 'allow' or not.

I'm really secure in my marriage and myself and don't worry about him doing anything, but I don't really want any of our family money to go towards supporting an industry like that.

Still, if he felt duty-bound towards the best man and it was a one-off I'd put up with it. He is duty-bound towards me too of course, but it is his decision. I wouldn't always expect him to choose me, unless I made it clear that it would upset me. However, even in that case it is still up to him. If he frequently put things before my feelings I'd have to take another look at our marriage, but on occassion it is okay.

I'm torn about who exactly is being exploited in these places.

Is it the girls, who aren't necessarily vulnerable young mothers or smackheads, making a living by doing something tacky.

Or the men, who are stupid enough to part with their cash?

boo, I agree with every word you just said

I wonder why, then, we seem to be on opposite sides of the argument ?

perhaps it is the "allowed" connotations ?

well, admittedly, I don't physically restrain my DH from this kinda stuff...so he is "allowed" out of the house and could visit lap-dancing clubs were he to choose to do so

but then I would be "allowed" to divorce the fucker

It is both. The girls don't get to keep much of the money!

scrudd, if my DH were stupid to part with family cash on a flawed "trade" ...what is being "traded" here ???...then I would think he were too stupid to remain married to me

OP - I would just like to re-address my U or NU vote - YANBU to be upset about the idea of him going, I would hate it too - my YABVU was solely to your "playing it cool" game.

In any relationship worth its salt, I would say that each partner is "allowed" to do anything they like so long as it won't hurt the other partner - whether that is implicit or has to be specified. If you don't specify that it would hurt you and it is not implicit and then your partner does hurt you by doing it - then you are probably with the wrong person.

Well yes, I wouldn't be happy if dh parted with the family kitty on a regular basis in a lapdancing club, but like I said earlier he's not interested.

I think as a one off at a stag do he'd go, but I don't think he'd relish it.

It's all bit naff and tacky, isn't it!

yes, very

Would anyone on here be so uptight if it was a bloke on here, deciding to "allow!" his OH to see a male stripper? Is that exploiting the bloke or just a load of "pissed up women" having a laugh?

Well, since you asked AF , just this

'to be fair, many decent men would rather their partners said they couldn't go

so they could save face with their mates

pathetic, but true'

In my mind, a truly decent man would not feel the need to stand behind his DP/DW to assert himself. But it is the splitting of hairs as i believe in the sentiment behind it and have been lucky enough to know a few men who have gone against the gang mentality and just not gone to the club when the rest of their group have gone.

Boo - I agree with you too. But when I say 'allowed' I mean exactly that and I make no apologies about using that word. If dh wants to stay in a happy marriage with me, he is not allowed to do certain things - sleeping with other women is one, going to lapdancing clubs is another. Yes, of course he is an adult and can make his own decisions - but then he has to deal with the consequences if they are decisions that he will know that I'll be angry or upset about.

Which takes me back to the OP - you must tell your dp how you feel.

as others have said, its not about 'allowing' him or not, but it is important that you tell him how you actually feel about him going. You can't expect him to second guess your feelings

I'm also really uncomfortable that everyone except the bride knows that this is going to happen, and yet no one thinks the bride should be told. I find it incredibly upsetting that the bride is being treated like this. If you really are her best friend then I think you owe it to her to make sure that people are honest with her before the stag do takes place.

maleeka, I would have no wish to see a male stripper, so my viewpoint remains the same

I think all stripping is just a bit 'ick' can't see any fun in it whatsoever

What does the bride think they're doing?

in fact theres not much worse that I can think of than a tango tanned greaseball waggling his knob around me

I would just like to add that having worked in these clubs for a few years, many of the women I have met and worked with have neither been smackheads or "vulnerable" young mums. A few maybe, but from my experience (starting in some very rough/tacky clubs and also working at some uber glamorous ones) these women usually see it as a great way to make money and are hardly exploited! Most of the time we would pity the blokes in there, foolish enough to pay silly money for a few minutes titillation but hey?! It pays the rent (and a Chanel handbag or two ).

I hate it when other women say it is degrading- but have little or no idea what actually goes on here! Go visit a club and see for yourself what all the fuss is about. No woman that works there is trying to 'steal' your husband. Just his money

QA, thanks for replying {smile]

I do agree with you that it shouldn't have to come to that

I think it does, though, sometimes

many young men go with the pack mentality

if I am being truthful, when my DH was 20 years younger, he would have felt relieved he knew my feelings were so strongly against this, so that would kinda let him off the hook IYKWIM

as we all know that men mature more slowly than women {wink], he has caught up with my point of view

or perhaps some people think he is pussy-whipped or summat (it wouldn't surprise me...I am sure this kind of attitude is prevalent...amongst both the sexes, unfortunately)

Interesting article here