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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be disappointed with friends'reaction to school places?

114 replies

gonaenodaethat · 09/03/2010 13:34

We live in an area where most schools are reasonable and most kids from DD's class are going to the local comprehensive.

I would've been happy to send DD there but she is very bright so we let her do the entrance exam for the local independent school as we thought she might get a scholarship.
We didn't mention this to anyone at the time.

Anyway, she did get quite a large scholarship and we have decided to send her there.
When we've told friends this (when they've asked where she's going ) they seem a bit pissed off. None of them have even said 'well done' to DD and they've known her for years.

Am I being unreasonable to think that they might've been pleased for her?

OP posts:

paulaplumpbottom · 09/03/2010 13:37

They are probably just a bit jealous. I wouldn't worry about it.

Hardys · 09/03/2010 13:38

jealousy - without a doubt.

congrats on the scholarship

alicet · 09/03/2010 13:39

Their issues not yours. I would just let it wash over you tbh.

Yes they should be pleased for her as she has done really well but when people get funny about this sort of thing it tends to be a reflection on their own issues doesn't it as if they were genuinely happy with their school choice they would be able to be happy with yours.

Having said that it does depend on how you told them - if you did the 'Well I WOULD have been happy for dd to go to the local comp but as she was so clever we thought it was worth trying for a scholarship and hasn't she done well!' thing then it might come accross as though you were saying their dcs weren't as clever and that the local comp wasn't good enough for your clever dd.

alicet · 09/03/2010 13:40

Not that you WOULD have meant this but I think sometimes with something like this it is never going to come accross well when people have underlying insecurities is it?

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 09/03/2010 13:41

Envy, not jealousy . YABU if people didn't know she was going for it, they probably don't even know what she has achoeved, unless you brag about how rare it is to get a scholarship @ that school. Are you really expecting them to be contratulating YOU? Can't be,keive she expects congrats

TheCrackFox · 09/03/2010 13:43

Education is meant to be its own reward. Why should they congratulate her on something she will benefit massively from?

brass · 09/03/2010 13:46

But you kept it from them and they're supposed to be your friends. Surely that says more about how you view them?

Perhaps if you had said from the beginning, 'we're giving the indie a go' they might have felt at least you were being honest whereas now you just look sneaky and it all smacks of one-upmanship.

'I would've been happy to send DD there but she is very bright...' you obviously think the other kids are not....

compo · 09/03/2010 13:46

They probably just feel a) sad that you didn't tell them she was going for a scholarship - if you are that close why not share it
and b) sad that your kids won't be together

it might not be envy at all

Original poster

gonaenodaethat · 09/03/2010 13:49

Why would they congratulate me?

I have one lovely friend though who said to DD that she had done well and was she excited about going to her new school?
The rest have been a bit meh and if their DCs had done well in anything I would always say something. Am just a bit surprised that's all.

OP posts:

Angeliz · 09/03/2010 13:50

I can see it from both sides.
I would expect a friend to be pleased for your daughter.

I can see however how by not telling them, they may feel they've been led along that all your children will be together in Seniors and that you are saying their school isn't as good.

Well done your dd though

Danthe4th · 09/03/2010 13:50

Are you sure that they're not just a bit put out that you kept it secret until she got a place, someone at our school did this last year and people that were considered her friends were a bit put out that they obviously weren't considered close enough friends to wish her well for her entrance exam.Why did you keep it secret?

TheFirstLady · 09/03/2010 13:52

I think YABU for two reasons.
First, you were holding out on them, why DIDN'T you mention that your DD was applying to the indie.
Second, you are implying that your DD is too bright for the comprehensive, an attitude that, if they pick up on it, and they probably have, is not going to endear you to other parents.

Angeliz · 09/03/2010 13:55

I CAN see why you didn't tell your friends, if dd hadn't passed the exam then it would be like she was taking second best by being in the school with her friends, tricky

Original poster

gonaenodaethat · 09/03/2010 13:55

I probably should've told them right away but it might've come to nothing.
I wasn't being sneaky. Starting to think it might've come across that way now.

OP posts:

OtterInaSkoda · 09/03/2010 13:56

I think the secrecy accounts for some of the reactions. It seems sneaky tbh - I know it isn't but I'd feel it was, iyswim.

There'll also be an element of "so the school my dd is going to isn't good enough for your little princess?". I know, because rightly or wrongly that's what I'd think.

OtterInaSkoda · 09/03/2010 13:57

oops - about a billion x-posts there!

tattycoram · 09/03/2010 13:58

If you were a close friend of mine I would feel quite pissed off that you hadn't been straight with me to be honest.

etchasketch · 09/03/2010 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThursdayNext · 09/03/2010 13:58

Some people may also be opposed or uncomfortable with private education, which doesn't leave them with many polite comments to make.

pagwatch · 09/03/2010 14:01

I think you should re think how you talk about it.

I suspect you are saying that you tried because she is so bright - meaning that you felt it was worth a shot as she might get a scholarship.
But people will read that as 'she is brighter than your child'.

I had the same thing. But I told everyone why she would probably be going to an independent school right from the start so there was no secrecy thing.
Most got over it pretty quickly when they knew it was just about my choices/my family circumstances etc and not a reflection upon the choices they were making for their children.

The only friendship that ended was with one who just couldn't stop digging and bitching about it. In the end I let her go. If she couldn't get over her issues with where my DD went to school she clearly was not much of a friend in the first place.

GrungeBlobPrimpants · 09/03/2010 14:04

Hmm. Secondary results time is always very divisive I think - whether going to indie or state it can be very emotional and people can be sensitive. I thought one of my dd's friends was going to same school as her (local comp, OK-ish but not wonderful) and then found out after results day that she was going to a private school. It did hurt a bit at the time because (1) she's a friend, I dont know why she kept it quiet and I wouldn't have cared (2) dd had hoped she'd be going with a friend and (3) I did find myself actually quite gutted as I realised that dd's prospective school at the time really wasn't that brilliant. Quite surprised myself at how upset I was. DD's as bright as her friend but we don't have their money, basically.

All water under the bridge now

satc2bringiton · 09/03/2010 14:05

If they are true friends, they would be happy for your DD.

Ignore it. It's not like you have say the school is not good enough for your DD.

damnedchilblains · 09/03/2010 14:07

I can also see two sides to this. I would have congratulated you congratulations to your dd but

a) did they know that there was an entrance exam, maybe they would have entered their children if they thought they may have stood a chance of getting in

b) they may have thought that you hid it from them because you didn't want them to enter their dc's also

c) they may feel like you think the comp is not that good and maybe if you've all been talking about schools, it may seem as though you have been lying

Alouiseg · 09/03/2010 14:11

Congratulations to your dd. Education isn't a one size fits all solution for children.

You were right to keep quiet about her taking the exam because she would have had negative reactions from her peers due to the massive chip that their parents have on their shoulders.

I hope that she and you are very happy, she will i'm certain make some great new friends too AND be taught appropriately for her ability at a school who appreciates her talents.

seeker · 09/03/2010 14:16

Did you congratulate them?

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