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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disappointed with friends'reaction to school places?

114 replies

gonaenodaethat · 09/03/2010 13:34

We live in an area where most schools are reasonable and most kids from DD's class are going to the local comprehensive.

I would've been happy to send DD there but she is very bright so we let her do the entrance exam for the local independent school as we thought she might get a scholarship.
We didn't mention this to anyone at the time.

Anyway, she did get quite a large scholarship and we have decided to send her there.
When we've told friends this (when they've asked where she's going ) they seem a bit pissed off. None of them have even said 'well done' to DD and they've known her for years.

Am I being unreasonable to think that they might've been pleased for her?

OP posts:
DarrellRivers · 09/03/2010 14:57

Ignore them and get on with your lives
Churlish and rude behaviour
Why should you tell people everything that's going on in your life
It's your life, not theirs
I would congratulate your DD and would feel a little inside at all the money you are saving

Original poster
gonaenodaethat · 09/03/2010 14:59

Why did that in particular get your back up?

OP posts:
sitdownpleasegeorge · 09/03/2010 14:59

One of ds's classmates parents have just done this.

Their child is very bright too and they kept quiet about the independent school scholarship available as IMHO they didn't want competition. They actually asked a couple of other parents who did know what they were planning to keep quiet about it.
(The grapevine is however not totally besotted with them and their child so I knew anyway)

To be honest there are only ds and their child of a similar achievement level in the whole class so I figure that they preferred that we in particular didn't get to know.

I knew about such a scholarship but also knew that we couldn't have entered ds for it anyway. We do feel his current school doesn't truly stretch him but have our own strategies for tackling this at home as dh and I are both capable of giving him the input he needs.

We don't really know how to react about the attempt to keep us in the dark about the scholarship and neither dh or I have as yet chatted with the other parents at pick up/drop off/ school functions since it became openly known.

Perhaps your friends feel you may have kept quiet about the possibility of a scholarship to minimise competition. Perhaps they feel they don't know you as well as they thought they did. Who knows, but keeping secrets or attempting to do so can be very wounding to those close to you who eventually find out. (think MOLDIES !)

Sassybeast · 09/03/2010 15:02

Congratulations and well done to your DD Unfortunately, it's not the done thing to have a clever kid in some circles yunno

seeker · 09/03/2010 15:04

I would hear "I would have been happy to send my child to the same school that your child is going to, but she is so bright that it wouldn't be the right place for her. Fine for your child, of course, and I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it - it's a really good school. It's just that dd is so very bright......"

Original poster
gonaenodaethat · 09/03/2010 15:05

It wasn't really a secret. I just didn't mention it. DD mentioned it and some of her friends knew. I just thought that to go on about it would be bragging. I didn't have big conversations about other schools either. I had no hidden agenda! It just didn't come up!!

OP posts:
EdTheConfessor · 09/03/2010 15:06

So you keep mum, Sassybeast, and then expect hearty slaps on backs when the cleverness excels? If that is your RL situation, then expect nothing.

TheFirstLady · 09/03/2010 15:06

OP, I think that got some posters back up, because by implication, you are saying that your friends' children are not as bright as your own. This does not go down well, trust me. I used to have a friend like this, when our DC were in reception she would stand outside the classroom happily informing us that she was thinking of sending her DS private as he was "so bright". Naturally, most of us considered our DC at least as bright as her devil-child (he was appallingly behaved, or, in her words, "spirited") so this did NOT go down well.

OtterInaSkoda · 09/03/2010 15:07

gonaenodaethat - exactly what seeker says. Perhaps "got my back up" is a little harsh but it certainly made me wince.

I'm not saying that that's how you feel, but that's how it could quite easily come across.

Original poster
gonaenodaethat · 09/03/2010 15:07

I mentioned that she was bright to explain why I thought she might get a scholarship, not to suggest that the comprehensive wouldn't be good enough for her.

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 09/03/2010 15:09

And having now read the thread I am bewildered by the notion that your friends 'slapped arse face' reactions can be justified by the fact that they think you kept the whole thing a big dark secret to make sure that they didn't know about entrance exams/scholarships etc. Erm - isn't it up to an individual parent to research all of the available options ? Or do you all sit back and wait for your mates to tell you which schools to apply to ?

mistletoekisses · 09/03/2010 15:09

YANBU.

When i got accepted to one of the Oxbridge colleges, i can count on one hand the number of congratulations i got...from friends and family.

Harden yourself and potentially be prepared that your circle of friends may change. I lost a few supposedly close friends over it at the time...you and your DD may experience the same.

And Congrats!

Sassybeast · 09/03/2010 15:12

Ed - yeah - heaven forbid a high achiever gets like - RECOGNITION for their efforts eh ?

sitdownpleasegeorge · 09/03/2010 15:14

How does your dd feel about being separated from her friends come September ?

Given that you say you would have been happy for your dd to attend the local comprehensive as your local schools are reasonable will joining a class where many kids will have been in the private sector for some years and have already formed friendship groups be unsettling for her ?

Monty100 · 09/03/2010 15:16

Oh, and there's the 'oh, better not tell everyone else, I think I'll keep this to myself in case everyone else has the same idea, and my dd might not get in because there's so much competition.'

Well, that might be what others are thinking.

EdTheConfessor · 09/03/2010 15:16

oh please, Sassybeast!!

OP has more or less conceded that she has not handled it right. Stop making your situation her situation. This is nothing but a ploy to get across to her friends via the luvverly MN grapevine that she has been misunderstood.

renaldo · 09/03/2010 15:23

Nothing to stop any of your friends sitting their children if they wanted
none of anyones business where you send your child
We had this from some year six parents - we have a choice here in the midlands between some very good state and private schools and one or two were asking 'where is your DD going because x and she are such good friends it would be a shame to separate them'
I just vaguely said we had'nt decided as I think school choices are personal and dont want anyone basing their decision on my childs choice IFSWIM
If they are good friends they will see each other whatever schools they go to

Merrylegs · 09/03/2010 15:25

You thought it would be 'bragging' because although you are really keen and excited (and proud) that your DD is going to an independent school you are also a little guilty and socially a bit ITCHY about buying privilege.

At her new school she will be with other children whose parents will not even have CONTEMPLATED that there is any other route but private. They would not have hidden the fact that their child was going for an exam because to them there IS no alternative.

You believe that by passing an exam and paying for her school, your daughter is going to to get a better education and her intelligence and talent will be celebrated and nurtured more than it would have been at the comprehensive school.

You must think this otherwise you would not have entered her for the exam.

And I am sure she will do well and be happy there. You are proud of her and so you should be.

But by being disappointed in your friends reactions, you are expecting them to share your feelings about the school.

What if they don't?

What if they think your choice of school isn't 'all that' and the exam means nothing to them?

As Seeker says, did you express delight if their child got a place at the school of their choice?

Or is it because your DD has passed an exam (that you neither told them she was going for or shared with them your hopes) you expect them to be more ready with the congratulations?

OtterInaSkoda · 09/03/2010 15:25

gonaenodaethat that's what I thought, but not initially iykwim.

Sassybeast · 09/03/2010 15:32

Oh please Ed. What a bloody miserable world we live in when a bunch of po faced mothers purse their lips and hoist their bosoms because a little girl has done well and passed an exam, rather than actually saying 'well done you' And I'm bemused by your reference to 'my' situation - none of my kids are anywhere near entrance exam age so I think you're mixing me up with some else ?

OP - I suggest that next time, you send a personal letter to all parents involved, informing them of your plans, giving the exact date and time of the entrance exam and maybe set up a live web feed so they can be fully in the loop ?

policywonk · 09/03/2010 15:34

I think merrylegs puts it brilliantly

pagwatch · 09/03/2010 15:41

No. I don't understand the 'did you congratulate them, are you expecting them to approvae your choices' point.

If my friend tells me that she has got the school choice she wanted then I am pleased for her and her child.
If I tell my friend that I got the school choice I wanted I think it would be nice if she is pleased for me and my child.

What difference does the type of school make?

we all talked about where our children were going and I was very aware of which schools my friends had put their children down for Of course I congratulated them when they got the schools they wanted (as they all did).
Why would anyone think that you would expect to be congratulated at getting the Independent school of your choice but not congratulate parents/children getting the state school of their choice.
What an odd assumption?

Am I missing soemthing?

Original poster
gonaenodaethat · 09/03/2010 15:44

I may not think their DCs winning a football match, doing well in a dance exam or getting Grade 1 in guitar is "all that" (I do actually) but I would still say Oh that's good, you must be pleased and I'd say something to the child too.

OP posts:
Original poster
gonaenodaethat · 09/03/2010 16:03

And I did congratulate them on getting the school of their choice.

OP posts:
MillyR · 09/03/2010 16:06

It is envy. It has nothing to do with you keeping them in the dark. DS sat the grammar school exam and the other children knew in advance; DS did not brag about it - he is quiet and shy. Some other children were really nasty to him about it. No parent congratulated DS. His teachers did, and the woman in the taxi office, and my childless friends and the butcher and various other people his Grandmother told. But some other parents just made the catbum mouth, and so I never brought it up and when asked, would keep any conversation about it as short as possible.

I don't tell most other parents anything about what my kids get up to, because people will fall over themselves in their rush to put other people down, and it is just disgusting when it is a child. It doesn't really make any difference what it is. If it was a scholarship to ballet school, other parents would go on about it being trivial/you won't get a job/anorexia/stuck up and so on.

It does make a big difference when someone says to a child or young person that something about them or something they have done is great - it means a lot when it comes from a non-family member. We should all remember to praise other people's children more.