to be disappointed with friends'reaction to school places?

[gonaenodaethat]

We live in an area where most schools are reasonable and most kids from DD's class are going to the local comprehensive.

I would've been happy to send DD there but she is very bright so we let her do the entrance exam for the local independent school as we thought she might get a scholarship.
We didn't mention this to anyone at the time.

Anyway, she did get quite a large scholarship and we have decided to send her there.
When we've told friends this (when they've asked where she's going ) they seem a bit pissed off. None of them have even said 'well done' to DD and they've known her for years.

Am I being unreasonable to think that they might've been pleased for her?

[Vallhala]

Not read the whole thread but sod the misery-guts! Congratulations to your clever daughter and good for you for wanting to give her the best you can.

There but for the grace of a less-kind-to-my-DDs go I!

WELL DONE little Miss gonaenodaethat! Please tell her that I think she's a very smart lass and one to be proud of.

[bronze]

Seeing as the Mallory Towers lot have buggered off to play lacrosse or summat
can I also be annoying and ask
Gramercy where did you get you name from?

[CityGirlGoesCountry]

Sorry I've not had time to read through all of the thread but big congrats to your DD, you must be really proud!

Would have done the same as you, some things are private. I just don't feel that jealousy towards people, maybe a little envy sometimes but that sour grapes attitude is beyond me. Eveyone is different, with different challenges, problems etc.. Comparisons are pointless.

[Hulababy]

Scholarships can be anything from 5% to 100%, more likely somewhere in between. Sme are non financial also.

[Northernlurker]

I reckon the op's mates think this is a 100% scholarship hence my suggestion to moan about the fees which whilst it will certainly put their backs up in one way (it would mine) may pacify their ire in this direction? Of course there's no reason why a 100% scholarship fairly won should be the object of ire in the first place....but we're talking schools and precious children attending them. I believe it is required for reason, sense and charity to be chucked out with baby and bathwater

[snorkie]

There's a big move away from 100% scholarships these days balloonslayer. The max that is offered by HMC schools at the moment is 50% and many are less than that. So a scholarship is a discount these days and only very rarely full fee remission. On teh other hand, bursaries, which are means tested, can often be up to full remission.

[BalloonSlayer]

Am I being thick but why are people talking about fees - I thought the point of a scholarship is that you get in for free, or at a lesser rate? The OP says it's a "large scholarship." I thought that was the point of the thread?

[wilsonmummy]

I think you did the right thing not telling about the school until exam had been passed, if she'd have failed it would've been horrible for her having you as her parents consoling her about failing it never mind having other parents making comments to her about it (and i could imagine some of them would have been snide).

I had a similar thing happen when i put dd1 into infants this year, i had a 2 schools within walking distance which i would have fought tooth and nail to keep my dc out of, purely because i'm within the catchment area of a poor community and unfortunatly dragging my child up is not an option to me and i'm not a snob in any way but having my child swearing and being generally disrespetful and watching how the mothers swear at them in everyday language is not acceptable to me!

I very luckily got my dd into one of the top schools and don't mind one bit having to drive for 15 mins in a morning to get her there! (which was another negative reaction i got)

So congratulations on your dd scholarship and hope she does herself proud!

[seeker]

WHATEVER you do, don't complain about the fees!!! Not if you want to keep this circle of friends anyway!

[Northernlurker]

Yes but at least then the op's friends will know that there is a cost to them - at the moment I bet they're thinking she will be getting seven years of private education for tuppence ha'penny.

[CelticUnited]

I think that could backfire though Northernlurker. Many people are nowhere near affording school fees or the luxury of being able to complain about them.

"You probably should moan quite a lot about school fees and costs in front of them."

[Northernlurker]

Oh no everyone - Mavis has run away and something Bad will happen to her because she isn't Jolly Sensible like us! Quick, quick, call the police, search the grounds, send the one member of staff who can drive off to the Big Town in the School Car with a rubber torch and a travel rug!


Or was that St Clares......?

Op - you're just going to have to let this go. Your mates think you were saying that the comp is no good and that you are pointing out that you are much richer than them. I know this wasn't your intention and they'll get over this and so will you. You probably should moan quite a lot about school fees and costs in front of them. That will help them realise it isn't all yummy green pastures on your side of the fence.

[gramercy]

Can see both sides of the argument here.

I have been on the receiving end of "Ophelia would have gone to the local school, but she's so very academic" kind of comments. Frankly you just want to squash Ophelia's mummy's face in.

On the other hand, ds is the type who wins Head's Academic Prize, music competitions, chess tournaments etc etc and hardly anyone (especially family members!) has ever said well done to him. You just accept that people's children are an extension of themselves and your child's success is an implied criticism of theirs.

[stripeyknickersspottysocks]

There is a girl at DD's primary school who has passed the 11+. I'm not envious, DD won't be taking her 11+ next year. I have no problem with the fact this kid is going there.

I do have a problem with the fact that the girl's mum is so sneery about the local comps. She is obviously totally oblivious to how she comes across. When she asked me where I thought DD would go and I said probably Comp A, she had a horrified look on her face and said "I wouldn't send my DD there", but then refused to expand on why not. Every time I see her now I think you smug, jumped-up little fucker.

I won't be congratulating her DD.

I'm not saying you're being like this at all but other people may think that by sending your DD to a private school you are looking down at their choices to send their kids to the comps.

[Merrylegs]

OP. I too think it is churlish and ungracious not to congratulate a child who has done well at something.

However, I think you know that private education can be a potentially divisive and emotive subject. So while you are not unreasonable to feel disappointed that your dd has not been congratulated, I don't think you are surprised.

(BTW, Darrel. You will get A LOT out of Malory Towers. Make sure you put a lot back).

[southeastastra]

they reacted how they reacted. i suppose they didn't have time to prepare a fake 'good for you' look.

[gonaenodaethat]

What position? They got the school they wanted?

[EdTheConfessor]

I don't think there was any sneakiness either. OP just decided not to share. If she did and it did not work out, who's to say the comments might be," Oh dear, so sorry about that. Not to fret, she's always a bright'un" or some such sentiments.

We can't second guess everything and I wish the OP will come clean why she is actually on here, other than for a lick of ginger beer..

[BariatricObama]

you sound slightly smug tbh. put yourself in their position.

[CelticUnited]

I don't think there is anything "sneaky" about not telling anyone beforehand. It could have put unfair pressure on your DD if her friends found out and made comments. Equally if she hadn't got a place there could then have been "well who did they think they were anyway" from those who like to criticise

[EdTheConfessor]

"The OP said that the people seemed pissed off. What possible excuse can there be for seeming pissed off when someone else's child does well at something?"

Exactly that.. She thought people SEEMED pissed off. That is her take on their reactions when it might not be that they were pissed off. It is more likely that they were caught offguard and their raw, undisguised and unprepared reactions threw the OP. Why else is OP sounding so reflectively sorry she did not say something beforehand to this group of friends?

We can all go on and on supplied with lashings of ginger beer well past teatime but this all boils down to how close her friendships are to these nothing-is-coming-forth people. Do they really matter and does she want to make it right? No point going into the obsessiveness that belongs to the 11+ forum.

[GrimmaTheNome]

YANBU - even if they resented any 'secrecy' (which might have been modesty, not wanting to make a big deal beforehand type of thing) or even if the way you told them seemed smug or boastful (not saying it was!) - its always nice to say 'well done' to a child who's done well.

[megapixels]

They should have congratulated your dd. You don't have to tell everyone that your dd was trying for the indie, nothing wrong with keeping it to yourself.

[megapixels]

They should have congratulated your dd. You don't have to tell everyone that your dd was trying for the indie, nothing wrong with keeping it to yourself.

[TheFirstLady]

Her Dad slipped Mam'zelle WHAT?
That is certainly not the case, Sally.
It was the new swimming pool that sealed the deal.
See me in my office. I will be firm but fair.
Ms Grayling
PS Do not forget your hairbrush.